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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have you ever dropped a friend?

134 replies

asruralasitgets · 28/07/2024 21:49

And did it make your life better or have no impact.

Just dropped one of my best friends. Long story but I’ve put up with years of shit. I’m feeling down about it but I’m hoping it’s for the best in the long run.

Edited: did they ever try to make good? Did you ever give them the reason why?

OP posts:
TheGhoster · 30/07/2024 10:29

Yes. When I was younger I had poor boundaries for bad treatment - just didn't recognise it because it was my family dynamic. And I made a friend in the same creative industry as me. She had every advantage and family connection and money, but had coasted on that with little talent. I had bootstrapped myself up from 'umble beginnings and was lucky to get a bit 'discovered'.

But she really resented every little success I had. When she got work out, I would give her immediate support and positive feedback every time. When I got work out, she'd go silent for a week or two, then come back and say she'd seen it, and wouldn't comment, but 'as long as you're happy with it, that's the main thing'... And I didn't have enough confidence to realise that the problem was with her, not my work.

Then I had a bigger success. I couldn't wait to tell my friends and contacts, because I was pretty shy but this seemed a good excuse to reach out. And the moment I told her, she went straight out and told them all before I could. They were sending their congratulations to her to pass onto me, like she was my manager. If you can imagine your SIL telling everyone you're pregnant before you can break the news, such were my feelings.

And I had enough. I knew she'd DARVO me if I confronted her, and I was still a bit feeble in those days, so I ghosted her. And indeed, I got a few mails from her about how I couldn't ghost her, she was vulnerable, she was a special case who needed careful handling and I was really upsetting her, and if I would just tell her what I thought was wrong she could put me right...

I still see her online presence from time to time. She has done nothing over the last decade, living off her private income, but all she does is complain bitterly about everyone else's success, often in a really nasty way, and I realise that was how she'd always felt about me.

I'm a bit older, wiser and more feisty now... 🙂

Blarn · 30/07/2024 13:25

Yes, we'd been friends for a couple of years and she had been through a terrible time. One thing after another and I was always supportive and enjoyed our friendship. But I found her inability - to be honest, refusal - to see anything positive so draining. Everything had to be negative, even a hint of, "but look at this in your life that is going well" was shot down. She was very bad at listening to anything I was struggling with too, but I'm not a big talker like that so it never really bothered me.

She complained about how I had to pull out of something because I got the date of a holiday wrong and we were still travelling that day. My fault but it made me think of all the times I had changed my plans to see her when she was down and she never seemed to appreciate it. And then I had something where she kept telling me how she knew I'd just drop her like lots of other friends have. I had no intention of doing that at all but it was like she was pushing me to do it and I just thought, fuck this! I didn't have friends like this as a teenager out of choice, I'm not doing it now!

I do feels sad though and miss her friendship, at least when she wasn't constantly complaining. But it just got too much.

toddlepod · 30/07/2024 13:45

Yes. Fairly recently.
Known her a long time. Lots of little things led up to the rift.

Loads of niggling and upsetting comments that i overlooked for years.

But the small thing that finished it for me was when her dad had a health scare and app to see a consultant.

On what i thought was the day of his app i told her i hoped he'd get good news and good luck at hospital.

Her response was 'as i told you last week, his app is tomorrow, not today'.

It was the phrasing 'as i told you last week'. Somehow in that moment the scales dropped off my eyes.

And told her that was rude and didn't appreciate it.

Haven't had contact since. Some 3 months or so now.

brightonrock123456789 · 30/07/2024 13:47

Yeah people that drain my energy I just slowly fade out. Or people who are insensitive, or do that annoying conversational confrontation thing someone posted on a few days ago (that was brilliant btw!!)

brightonrock123456789 · 30/07/2024 13:48

toddlepod · 30/07/2024 13:45

Yes. Fairly recently.
Known her a long time. Lots of little things led up to the rift.

Loads of niggling and upsetting comments that i overlooked for years.

But the small thing that finished it for me was when her dad had a health scare and app to see a consultant.

On what i thought was the day of his app i told her i hoped he'd get good news and good luck at hospital.

Her response was 'as i told you last week, his app is tomorrow, not today'.

It was the phrasing 'as i told you last week'. Somehow in that moment the scales dropped off my eyes.

And told her that was rude and didn't appreciate it.

Haven't had contact since. Some 3 months or so now.

utterly charmless response !! Good riddance x

PotatoPie111 · 30/07/2024 14:56

Yes after 20 years. Always late and disorganised and rearranging meet ups and I put up with it because it was the way she was.

The breaking point was her and her new DP were coming to stay with us for a holiday. They never arrived, never called, ignored all my messages. A week later she rings, is super rude, doesn’t explain or apologise, starts asking for a favour. I cut her short and couldn’t do it even if I’d wanted to.

I realise now I spoke to her a week before to confirm details and she had been difficult about the fact DH wasn’t available to ferry them about the country. Still no reason not to turn up.

I heard from her once before when she wanted me to pay for her and DPs holiday home and ‘we could come and stay the night if we fancied’. I suspect this all comes from DP but there was no point continuing the friendship anyway.

PoppyBlack · 30/07/2024 15:15

toddlepod · 30/07/2024 13:45

Yes. Fairly recently.
Known her a long time. Lots of little things led up to the rift.

Loads of niggling and upsetting comments that i overlooked for years.

But the small thing that finished it for me was when her dad had a health scare and app to see a consultant.

On what i thought was the day of his app i told her i hoped he'd get good news and good luck at hospital.

Her response was 'as i told you last week, his app is tomorrow, not today'.

It was the phrasing 'as i told you last week'. Somehow in that moment the scales dropped off my eyes.

And told her that was rude and didn't appreciate it.

Haven't had contact since. Some 3 months or so now.

Interesting. If some of the details in your story were vdifferent, I'd swear we know the same person!

In my case, I asked a question regarding a friends medical treatment as it was suspected at the time that I might have the same condition. She had always talked very candidly about her health, therefore it wasn't an insensitive/ private topic and she often talked about the physical pain she was in. Therefore, when it was raised that I may have this very same problem, I thought she would be the perfect person to give advice. I asked her about her experience at a specific hospital local to us, only to receive a very curt " as I've told you before, it was actually a hospital in neighbouring county I was referred to... ". No words of comfort or help or support, just a telling off for getting the name of the hospital wrong. She put me in my place that day, as if she was pissed that I may have the audacity to suffer from the very same illness she did. This came on top of a long line of shit friend behaviour - constant last minute cancellations, talking about herself non stop, never asking anything about my life, only going to places that were convenient for her, using me as a cover for her illicit affairs (!), So much so that her husband thought I was a bad influence for dragging her out for evening drinks and having to look after the kids, whereas she was actually with her other man .... Haven't spoken to her for years now.

toddlepod · 30/07/2024 16:37

Ah! Very, very similar!

Big difference is she's not married. Divorced about 20 years ago.

Caroparo52 · 30/07/2024 18:09

Yes when I realised that encounters with my ex friend took me days to recover from because of all the chaos and drama she surrounded herself with.
In the end I had to protect my own mental health and drop contact.
Feel it was right decision for me but some mutual friends were pissed off at me for leaving them to deal with her ongoing car crash lifestyle.

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