I would swap with her in an instant

[Cookiecrumblane]

I am a sort of clever woman, financially secure, good at what I do. I have lots of friends and family around me, despite being single.
Today I met a woman through a friend, ten years younger than me. She was upset at losing her job last month, she had tried but made a serious of errors and was eventually sacked.
Even as she cried, she looked beautiful. She told me about her various problems, not being able to pay rent, her debt, her self esteem.
And I thought how much I would love to be that pretty. She was distraught, but even with all that was going on, she was served first and efficiently in the bar. Men held doors and beamed at her. They crossed the street to walk closer to her.
I have never had that. And so what good is education, my job, my success. Because ultimately she'll end up ok. She is more likely to get a job and when she does people will praise what she does much more than they praise people who look like me.
Is that mad? That I would swap with her in an instant, even to be jobless and at risk of losing my flat, just to feel visible?
I'm sure men don't feel this way.

Really gorgeous women seem to attract horrible men - the type who cross the street to walk nearer the beautiful woman 🤢 ew. Just be yourself OP.

@XChrome A flood of tears.

Do you have some sort of body dysmorphia? Very few people are unattractive. And, of course, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. I've had multiple men tell me I'm beautiful. Others couldn't give a fuck about me. Horses for courses etc.

yes, I agree with you. The men who felt 'challenged' by me, and did spiteful things, like get me fired from jobs, or just so intimidated that they were paralysed. The jealousy of other women, a couple of whom downright sabotaged my chances of finding a man, or tried to destroy my happiness. Not all the time, mind, and not everyone, but it happened ALOT. A woman needs to be a 4,5,6,7 out of 10 to have easy going relationships with men (if I can use that old ,sexist way of assessing looks). Next to none of the men were interested in me as a person, and were always surprised when I spoke.

That is mad, OP. External beauty doesn’t last - at least not in western culture. I’d vote for being a competent, capable, intelligent, effective person any day regardless of looks. If looks are your main asset, you’re always relying on others, who let’s face it, are possibly only interested because of those looks - while they last.

I have a super beautiful, but not terribly bright friend. She married for money, got dumped and now lives as a single mum in poverty. She has never worked. I on the other hand have my own career and money to rely on no matter what happens in my marriage. I’d vote for that position of strength any day.

I’m sure life is easier in some respects for very beautiful people eg less likely to be convicted of a crime etc, but I think being capable is worth more in the long run. PS I’m not saying they are mutually exclusive, but in your example the woman is clearly being fired for not being great at her job.

Oh they do.

To a degree.

They don't confer life satisfaction, it has no correlation to the quality of a persons life, except in the rarest of situations where you could argue luck also intervened.

It's an advantage only in some contexts and can be undermined and mitigated by any number of life variables.

Money is a far stronger advantage and predictor for success than looks alone are.

Joan Collins said she has known many beautiful women whose quality of life would have been better if they were less beautiful.

Those are the women who in their 50s feel invisible.
I've never been good looking. Am fine with that. In my 50s and don't feel invisible, quite the opposite. People like or don't like me for who I am and that hasn't changed.
People who are good looking might seem to have it easier but they attract the guys that want them for their looks. That's not basis of a happy marriage I don't think.

The original poster really needs a reality check.

You are crazy. Don't be mad. What you've got is worth far more than a pretty face.That fades whereas you will continue to build on your accumen and abilities. Looks don't last. Most likely the men looking her over would run at the hint of all her problems, after sex with her, of course.

Not for a minute.

I've gone from being a striking looking youngster to being an average looking middle aged woman. As do we all eventually.

You're missing the point that you've got everything you could need. She hasn't.

I’m sure she would swap with you in an instant! Clever! Successful! Financially stable, friends and family Around you

Maybe take comfort in the fact that looks don't last forever.
Besides there's more to life than looks - being intelligent and having your self respect are way more important than being good looking.

If you were a man, you wouldn’t be “single” but “available” ahah!

I totally get you. Spend time with her, it seems you both could take a bit of the other. It is an equal footing than to both want to learn and lean on each other. Great friendship possibility.

Good luck 🌺

This. My sister is beautiful, I am not. Out of the two of us I’ve always had the more attractive boyfriends and have been treated better than her. We do the same job, not in the same company. We’ve both got to the same level. On nights out I’ve seen men and women behave horribly towards her. She’s a lovely person and deserves better.

There are many statements and assumptions in this thread from the OP making me smh but the one which is really getting on my tits is the repeat assumption that the pretty woman would be at an advantage with the ex employer or interviewing somewhere new as she is attractive.

The implicit assumption behind that is that those decision makers - the bosses - are attracted to women, most likely a heteronormative man, and make bad decisions based on that.

I interview and employ tens (sometimes hundreds) of people annually and I am far more interested in the success of my company to put physical attractiveness ahead of competence.

I was pretty good looking and charismatic etc and had a lovely existence until 10 years ago when I got chronically ill which changed my looks, my whole life. Don't be so bloody shallow!!!!!

I must look like Margot Robbies better looking sister then, the miscreants I've managed to attract over the years.

I remember a time when attention got so intrusive that I used to dress in black, and baggy clothing to put men off.

It was shit- I wasn’t taken seriously.

I still have a card written by an old boss, which says… you did this job as well as- no, better, than a man.

I was so grateful. I had sent in a perfect application for that job, but had been told by someone who worked there that they weren’t considering it because I was female. I asked whether he minded if I made a fuss about that and he told me to go ahead because he was furious about it.

I got the job, but was never completely sure that it was because I was the best applicant, or because I’d made that fuss.

My leaving card from my boss is something that gave me the confidence to go ahead and put myself out there.

That was SO much more important than getting served first at a bar; getting in free to clubs, or all the other stuff which came with being pretty.

And just to update- I’m now 58, and remarkably dull looking… but I’ll always remember that card.

This.

I've been told even as recently as 2 days ago (won't bore anyone with the story) that people (and they mean MEN) treat me differently than they would if I wasn't as 'attractive' as others say I am. I'm nearly 40 and I always thought people were being nice to me because I'm quite a bubbly person, I'm quite happy to chat to anyone. Apparently that makes me very naive.

I have a had a whole host of issues throughout my life, I would love to have a good job and own my own home. I feel like a failure and some random man giving me a smile or serving me first doesn't enter my head - it doesn't take away the real issues.

And getting attention absolutely does come with huge drawbacks. Men do try to speak to me whenever I'm out and I do feel I have to pacify them to a certain degree if they outright ask me for my phone number or whatever 'just in case' they turn nasty as some have.

This poor young woman is struggling and probably doesn't even realise she gets any extra attention. These will just strangers being helpful in her eyes. She does not want to date all these random men, she's simply going about her own business.

I hope you tried to be supportive and gave her good advice while hiding your jealousy.

There is a more sinister side to the attention you get when you are considered attractive or pretty. Being stared at all the time is deeply uncomfortable, imagine being out with your family or friends and some creep is staring at you all evening. Or being cornered and lunged at in a lift by a colleague who has fallen for you … but never actually ever spoken to you … or being groped when your 14. Or getting seedy comments from men when you go out without your husband.

I get what you’re saying but the old saying of be careful what you wish for really does sum it up. Pretty privilege my arse.

Why on earth would you want such superficial validation from men of all things?!
Looks fade, be proud of all your achievements and your stability

You posted at 1.30am. Had you been drinking by any chance??
I suggest you flap yourself round the face with a wet kipper and think about the things you have, and have achieved, rather than the one thing that's out of your control. I'm sure we've all known people who are average looking but everyone loves because they're charismatic, fun, kind, intelligent etc and equally there are people who are on the surface very attractive but who are complete airheads. Who would you rather spend time with? Get a grip.

The friends of mine who are the happiest in their lives, with fulfilling jobs, happy relationships, well-adjusted kids are not necessarily the most beautiful ones. They’re the ones who made best life choices - about education, career, partner, property, finances etc.

I’m a bit confused with your post. In the one breath you say that the woman you knew wasn’t beautiful in your world (thoughts) yet she was adored by her ‘beauty’ by others? and that ‘beauty’ saw her through.

I agree that being ‘beautiful/attractive’ is not a curse and will almost certainly help in general day to day life.

I am loathe to admit this out loud, but 40 years ago I was an actual “beauty queen.”
I thought it was absolutely fabulous at the time - I was 17 - but then the inappropriate comments from men of all ages began. They evidently thought that because I was in the public eye they could say anything they wanted.
I had to prove myself in every class education-wise that I was more than my looks.
I was fortunate that people who knew me knew I was kind and generous and compassionate.
I was thrilled when that year ended and I was anonymous at university.
And then there was the rape.
@Cookiecrumblane you’re sorely mistaken if you think pretty girls have all the advantages.
Be confident in who you are and if you aren’t, work on yourself — don’t long to be somebody else or in somebody else’s life. It isn’t the dream you imagine it is.

You need to wake up girlfriend. You can see with your own eyes how unhappy she is. Why would you wish for that? She probably got a job that she wasn’t qualified to do and look what happened! Be happy with yourself and try and be a genuine friend.