I would swap with her in an instant

[Cookiecrumblane]

I am a sort of clever woman, financially secure, good at what I do. I have lots of friends and family around me, despite being single.
Today I met a woman through a friend, ten years younger than me. She was upset at losing her job last month, she had tried but made a serious of errors and was eventually sacked.
Even as she cried, she looked beautiful. She told me about her various problems, not being able to pay rent, her debt, her self esteem.
And I thought how much I would love to be that pretty. She was distraught, but even with all that was going on, she was served first and efficiently in the bar. Men held doors and beamed at her. They crossed the street to walk closer to her.
I have never had that. And so what good is education, my job, my success. Because ultimately she'll end up ok. She is more likely to get a job and when she does people will praise what she does much more than they praise people who look like me.
Is that mad? That I would swap with her in an instant, even to be jobless and at risk of losing my flat, just to feel visible?
I'm sure men don't feel this way.

As someone on the “other side” of this, I find some of the comments on here really unfair. I have always been pretty, not beautiful, stunning or drop dead gorgeous but I have been told I have “pretty privilege”. It’s infuriating to be seen as only getting a decent job, promotions and praise because of my looks. I have been the centre of office gossip for having affairs with my male managers because they see how good I am at my job, driven and hard working I am, yet my counterparts who don’t take as much care with their appearance and receive the same promotions and praise, are never the subject of these rumours/gossip. I am bloody clever!

That's wild! You would rather not have control over your life just to look 'pretty' 🤔 why don't you try to improve you, lots of beauty treatments, that you could afford out there. What is it that you don't like about yourself?

Yeh, under 30 you have the looks you were born with, over 30 you can make use of all kind of support.
Best start with the answer to the question, “Why does it bother you so much?” The kind of men who make these judgments are generally very boring. At best.

True. Otoh, if you are average looking you probably still get harassed, just not as much as pretty or ugly women. None of us escape male aggression unfortunately.

I worked with someone that all the guys swooned at. She was tall and attractive but I didn’t get why even the married guys were paying her too much attention. She had a charming accent. She had help handed to her. She needed to be hand-held but keeps moving up. Married young to a guy with an amazing job. It all looks good on paper. Everyone seems to fall all over themselves. But when I was her line manager I noticed that she wore lots of bracelets to cover a lot of scars on her wrists. I knew she frequently vomited after eating. i also know her family put insane pressure on her.
You never know what goes on behind closed doors. I’m sure it feels like the girl you met has it easy. Have you ever met someone that was beautiful and didn’t age so gracefully or was disfigured? You never know what you’re wishing for OP.

Yes, and if you buy into those superficial values, aging is much more stressful. For a woman who has traded on her looks all her life and mostly ignored character development, I'm sure it's quite devastating. Hence the popularity of cosmetic surgery, Botox, etcetera.

Someone told me a long time ago that more tears run down a pretty face than a plain one. I can vouch for that as I was young, pretty, naive and got exploited by men up to the hilt. I would love to have had what you have - get a bit of therapy!

I know someone a bit like this. She’s intelligent, but completely lacking in common sense and brings chaos everywhere she goes, which everyone puts up with because that’s how she is and of course she’s very beautiful. She’s had some amazing jobs that she blags her way through doing the bare minimum. I’ve tolerated her because it rarely causes me a huge inconvenience, I’m pretty laid back and she’s an in-law so not really up to me, but there have been a string of events recently where I just can’t get over my annoyance so I’m finally drawing a line in the sand. She’ll probably barely notice (despite the fact I’ve actually made excuses and stood up for her many times to my DH), but I think beauty only gets you so far, eventually people are annoyed/disappointed enough to have had enough (+ age catches up with all of us eventually!)

Love how you’ve so neatly unpacked the jobs you think a ‘pretty’ woman might be good for (menial) and that the pinnacle of them all is ‘model’. Guessing the shadowy ‘boss’ isn’t one of them, or even female at all? 😂

I used to actually think this way in my 20s. I had quite a traumatic upbringing and clearly had a multitude of issues which years of counselling has helped me understand.

I used to be so jealous of Marilyn Monroe's beauty. Why would someone so beautiful take their life?

Because it means absolutely jack that's why! It is actually so liberating and wonderful to be a little bit invisible. I currently have the most horrific health problems. My quality of life is so poor. I've lost almost everything including the ability to care for my own child now. So I am alone all day in severe pain, unable to move properly and out of treatment options.

Do I now see how ridiculous this way of thinking I had when young really was. Yes. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes an obscene amount of severe suffering to appreciate what really matters.

Most entry level jobs now will include a requirement of the skills mentioned by the PP, typing is a big part of many jobs nowadays, even manual trades need to do risk assessments, reports etc. Most places have a phone. The aforementioned assessments and reports have to be kept somewhere.

And the model comment I believe was in response to how many women are actually considered "beautiful" enough to meet that criteria.

I am so sorry to hear this. 🩷
You are absolutely right. Suffering does put this into perspective.

The first thing I thought about reading this was ludicrous. I have never pinched a girl's bum. Or even thought of it, However when I was young and presentable a well-known actress patted mine.
But to be serious, the moral of this lament is that envy is a sin and worse still a depressant. And being down and out financially is a lot worse than being good at what you do, making a good living and not having to worry about money.

It isn’t nonsense and I think people are being really rude to you.

I used to be very pretty but unfortunately I’ve piled the weight on. You are so right that people treat you differently. I feel like I’ve lost myself and I don’t recognise me in the mirror.

If you don’t feel like you’ve ever felt that I understand. But if you can’t change it you need to find something where you find some joy in your life or else you won’t really enjoy yourself x

Well unless you’re so ugly that people take one look at you and throw up I don’t understand 🤔 The thing with extremely attractive young ladies (like my daughter) is they get loads of hassle from disgusting creepy men, lots of times, every day. Other girls are bitchy and jealous of them so friendships are tricky at times.
Also they get depressed as they get older because their validation disappears and then they don’t know who they are.

Oh yes, she’ll be fine because she is pretty…..

WTF - one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read on Mumsnet.

I can’t recall ever responding negatively to an OP before but I seriously think you need to take a look at yourself as you’ve a serious empathy lack if you could think this.

I made this mistake once with someone I was at school with. She died of cancer at 30. Left behind two sons. She was still beautiful.

1. Being pretty brings its own problems
2. looks fade

It would be extremely disingenuous and unrealistic to say that looks don't matter, or that they do not sometimes (or even often) give an advantage.

Is this a joke? I'm apparently more aesthetically pleasing than average, it's not helped me through life at all. As evidenced by the woman you describe it doesn't guarantee career success, financial security or happiness. It can actually be a hindrance as bitter jealous women can be bitchy, and men treat you like a trophy.

Get some counselling.

Looks fade

Spot on. Don't put yourself down OP. You sound amazing in yourself with all your achievements. PRAISE YOU

You have friends and family "despite" being single? I wasn't aware that being single was a potential barrier to these?

And all these "men". Men holding the door for her and beaming at her and crossing the street to walk closer to her? Really? Where on earth were you? You and this decade younger friend-of-a-friend willing to grizzle in front of pretty much a stranger in public??

Yes it is mad. Unlikely she has it half as easy as you think, double edged sword and all that.

I was fairly attractive when I was younger and now I'm in my 40s I do sort of miss it sometimes... but then I remember that I didn't enjoy being groped (a number of times), being consistently underestimated and feeling nervous around groups of men.

I don't know where your heads at but sounds like you might need a bit of therapy to work this through. Oh and stay away from social media for a bit!!

You really need to give your head a wobble. You're ridiculous

Because ultimately she'll end up ok

Is that mad?

Not necessarily. And yes it is.

Of my most beautiful friends: one is dead; one’s DH died of cancer young and she was a SM for 10 years; another is a SM with donated sperm as a result of poor man choices; one couldn’t have kids and her DH dumped her as it was a dealbreaker for him; one married a rather louche man and lives abroad far from her friends. They’re all ok financially as they’re bright. But looks themselves didn’t bring them the happy ever after women fantasise about.

Also - personally I find male attention quite annoying.