Not trying to be inflammatory but why do people *need* more than two kids?

[ConstantlyFuriosa]

Just that.

I’ve just been looking/nosing at a neighbour’s cb page thinking the same thing. She has 7 kids, the oldest three are really unpleasant- anti social behaviour, police bringing them home, exclusions from school etc. And she’s saying she wants more. She’s a nice lady and her husband has a good business, they have a lovely home etc. I don’t understand why the kids are so unpleasant, or why she wants to keep having more of them.

Wow this is quite an assumption.
I have 4 children, a great job and no voids needing to be filled thank you very much. Happily married and husband also has a good job.
My children want for nothing.

Nobody "needs" any. People often like to think that the number of kids they have is the "right" number. But I think it's usually more emotional than that. We have 3 because we wanted 3. We have the time and money to support them. I wanted a full, happy house and that is what we have.

The people I know with 4 kids are
a) Mormons
b) have kids with 2 or more different partners - in a lot of cases they had their first child as a teenager then went on to have more later
c) had two kids then went for a third, which ended up being twins

Those with three it's a mixture of:
a) trying for a girl/boy after two of the same sex
b) Mormons again
c) third child was unplanned
d) two children with one person then split up/divorced and had a third child with a new partner
e) had first child as a teenager then went on to have two more at an "acceptable" age (usually not with the same person as the teen pregnancy, sometimes child 2 and 3 were also with two different people
f) planned second child was twins

Yes a few of my children are also autistic. So there’s definitely a genetic link. They will grow up to be kind and useful members of society . They are not neglected in any way they are happy loved and well cared for. Yes, they need extra support but it was never a consideration for us not to have them in case they also had ASD

I see plenty of parents of one or two children who don't manage to meet all of their children's needs (in my line of work). What a horrible generalisation to make.

Ooh, I’m a terrestrial life form! Fancy!

I think before removing the cap on benefits they should ensure all children and families on benefits receive appropriate education and should be a condition on lifting the cap. You want more children, ensure your existing children are educated first. Yes, we need children, but educated children. The parents need educated first. If we start with this generation we will then have less people on benefits.

to be fair though, on the whole she is right. I am an auditor and found my career stalled due to the 3 pregnancies (and literally not being in the office). Meanwhile my husbands career took off. For a lot of women, it literally isn’t worth going to work full time because of the childcare costs, and as the husband earns more they stay at home. I could afford it because of my career choices, but I had been very lucky.
very few professional career driven women that I know have more than 2.

I also realised that I couldn’t cope with the day to day running of the house whilst having a career and have moved down to part time which naturally won’t help the career either.

Until the gender pay gap is addressed and the impact of the additional free childcare hours is felt, I can’t see gender roles changing.

i should also add that I know plenty of men with 3+ in my industry. They drive me nuts when they come to forums designed to discuss how to balance work and family because we then find out their wives are stay at home mums 🤦‍♀️

It’s not hard to manage all of those things ! We have multiple calendars, a diary and reminders on phone . Dental and optician appts we book the next one each time we go as can book far in advance luckily.

Sunday in our house is bed sheet washing day !

All the dc get 1:1 time to do their homework, 1:1 time for activities plus activities as a family. Yes we are tired but it’s worth it and I feel it’s a responsibility that we do this properly as have so many. Dh works FT and I’m PT so I do have more time for things like homework help etc

There aren’t even “many” families with six children, let alone those under child protection who keep having more to get non-existent benefits. Why must people exaggerate and lie?

I have four. Biological prompting and broodiness was a big factor. The desire to have a big family around me in my old age (I know that may not happen of course but I loved our big family gatherings with my aunts, uncles and cousins when I was a child).

I had three because of overriding broodiness. I also had losses. I love children, I babysit, including overnights for people and I'm my DD's childcare. I'm considering if I'm too old to train to be a TA or work in a nursery. I'm the weirdo who will miss going to soft play when my youngest GC won't entertain it anymore.

On a different note because so many people, but especially women don't want children we need some to have more than two. We are never going to stop people having as many children as they want and the government then need to address the real cost, from cradle to grave, of families being skint.

This was an additional factor for us too, I have no family (most deceased or estranged) and dh family are all abroad so we wanted to re establish a big family for our children to have that support network around them in the U.K. for the future

I think you are mixing up ‘need’ and ‘want’. No-one has children because they want to assist the aforementioned birth rate and help the future economy, do they? They have them because they want them.

So IMO, if you can afford to pay for them yourself, and meet all heir needs, then it doesn’t really matter if you have one or four. Sadly, there’s a lot of people who’s own selfish wants mean they can do neither of the aforementioned, and it’s always the children who suffer because of it.

As one of five kids, I have to admit that’s a very impressive post. Not many people can write something that’s simultaneously so pompous, so bilious and so entirely mistaken.

I had 4 because I was mortgage free in my 30s and thought why not? All have the same dad. #notaMormon

No one needs any really. Pointless question.

In some places there is a community that values big families and others that value limiting children. Either or both may have values around accepting benefits.

People want more kids, they don't need them. I imagine they want the third for the same reason they wanted the first and second. What is there to understand?

I didn't need them. I wanted them. I would have had an extra one if my marriage hadn't broken down. Luckily for me I have a career as well, so my larger than average family is fine financially, as am I. I have never been a SAHM.

We have 3 to prove that no contraception is 100% reliable. Copper coil, she was born practically clutching it.

We didn't find out I was pregnant until 18w which I am really glad about. No big decision to make, just get on with it.

With DC3 everything changed. DH became SAHP. My career took off (as much as women's careers do take off). Life has been an adventure, much more so than if we had just the 2 DCs we planned.

Maybe be more specific in your title.

We have 4 children and the benefits cap doesn’t affect our family.

Yeah you’ve hit the nail on the head about the benefit cap being racist and otherwise discriminatory. There aren’t many families with 3+ children so my point about the “feral” 6+ child families where parents keep popping them out so they don’t have to get a job being an urban myth still stands.

I worked out the reason after three
😃