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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not trying to be inflammatory but why do people *need* more than two kids?

365 replies

ConstantlyFuriosa · 27/07/2024 05:01

Just that.

OP posts:
Scarletrunner · 27/07/2024 07:36

A woman with 5 children was interviewed she was struggling financially - but there is never, in these conversations a question about the father/s - if the interviewer would just say ‘ and how much does the father contribute’ - it’s just ok now for the fathers not to be part of the conversation -but surely for the DCs well being who their father is matters, ignoring the extra cost to the tax payer.

Dominoeffecter · 27/07/2024 07:38

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 27/07/2024 06:12

From what I’ve observed from knowing families with 3 or more children is that they aren’t brought up properly imo.

yeah they do extra activities and go on holidays, but that doesn't mean the child’s wellbeing and needs are fulfilled.

with each child people have, the parents standard of care declines. I don’t believe you can have 3 or more children and fulfil all their needs and shape them into a well rounded, decent, unscathed adult.

Things get missed the more children you have like:

  • dental hygiene
  • personal hygiene
  • clean bedding, clothing etc
  • the child being able to have their own bedroom (this becomes really important as they reach puberty)
  • helping with homework and extra needs children may have like speech therapy etc
  • one to one time with their parents
  • shoes and clothes that aren’t handed down and fit properly.
  • teaching children things like manners, respect etc

The things above take up a hell of a lot of time and there’s no way they’re done properly with more than 2 children.

I’m sorry if you had a bad experience growing up, I have 3 children and can assure you it can more than easily be done, I’d get what you are saying if someone had 6 or more and no help though.

GingerPirate · 27/07/2024 07:44

Why do people need kids at all? 😁
It seemed as bizarre to me at 13 as it does at 45.
I couldn't cope if it wasn't for my child free life.

TinyTeachr · 27/07/2024 07:49

Yumyumm · 27/07/2024 05:37

The people I know with 3+ kids are shm and don't have careers. I often get the feeling they're trying to fill a void - they're bored/lonely etc and can't afford the children they have, but keep going anyway. People on here will shoot me down, but I don't know any women with 4 kids that's got a great job!
One person I know has 8 kids!! Though they can afford it as her husband earns enough.

What do you define as a great job?

I'm a teacher. I love being a teacher. I was a teacher before I had children, or had decided how many I wanted. I'm good at my job. Is that not a good job by your standards?

I am part time. That's a choice I made because I think it's in the best interests of my 4 DC. I work 0.8 compressed into 3 days.

My mum was a SAHM. She was and is amazing. Please don't say that people have more than 2 children because something else is lacking in their life. It's not accurate. I have 4 children because I love children and I love spending time with family.

Your attitude also implies that "live to work" is the only way to be. Why shouldn't someone derive pleasure and meaning from other things? Hobbies, volunteering in the community, family....

pinkstripeycat · 27/07/2024 07:50

ConstantlyFuriosa · 27/07/2024 05:19

No issue, per se. Prompted by the two child benefit cap. Am interested in perspectives.

I didn’t even know there was a 2 child benefit cap until labour got in and it was mentioned on the news.

Years ago it was definitely “a thing” where if folk had 3+ children people would say they’d had them for the benefit money. Was the money so much that it would have been worth having more children for, especially as it decreases with each child? I think if it has stopped people having DC to claim the money it’s a good idea.

I’ve noticed child benefit going up a lot and really fast this past year but only the past year.

If it had gone up this much when DC were little it would have made a huge difference to us as we really struggled financially. I used to donate a couple of pounds to school to take unclaimed clothes out of lost property at the end of each year.

traintocatch · 27/07/2024 07:51

IneedAbiggerWindchime · 27/07/2024 05:39

I've got five and I'm an academic. Definitely not bored or lonely but really enjoy children. Does it compromise my career severely? Heck yes. But I don't care because I value the kids more.

Show quote history

So who is looking after the kids? I have 2, a career, worked part-time while they were in primary school. They went to a a creche before school. No family to help us and it's been tough. We do like to live a full life and ensure both children are exposed to lots of opportunities and equal upbringing.

I do know a lot of people rely on parents/in laws when they decide to have more children. Even if I had this opportunity I would not have had considered it.

autienotnaughty · 27/07/2024 07:51

@TheSpoonyNavyReader

It unlikely all large families claim benefits as in UC.

But accessing schools, dentist, hospital, libraries and other public services. The majority do.

WaitingForMojo · 27/07/2024 07:54

FateReset · 27/07/2024 05:24

This puzzles me too. You would think, after the second child they would ask themselves if they can afford to have a third and give it a good upbringing, without the first ones missing out.
I sort of understand when people have 2 boys yet desperately want a daughter and had hoped their second was a girl, this seems a fairly common reason for having 3+ kids.

Why after two? Who decided that two children is the acceptable number after which these decisions should be made?

WaitingForMojo · 27/07/2024 07:55

I have four. Because I wanted them. I didn’t need them, but I didn’t need the first. My life would be infinitely poorer without them. Nobody needs any kids at all, if you mean ‘need’ as in ‘will die without’.

berksandbeyond · 27/07/2024 07:55

I have a family member who couldn’t afford the first one (had to get another relative to buy them a £40 cot otherwise the baby wouldn’t have anywhere to sleep) yet they’ve had 3, in a 2 bedroom council house. Presumably because having babies is one of the few excitements or achievements that they have in life. If you’re never going to be going to university, getting promoted, buying a house, travelling etc then a baby can provide you with a fair bit of entertainment/ attention.

KimberleyClark · 27/07/2024 07:57

berksandbeyond · 27/07/2024 07:55

I have a family member who couldn’t afford the first one (had to get another relative to buy them a £40 cot otherwise the baby wouldn’t have anywhere to sleep) yet they’ve had 3, in a 2 bedroom council house. Presumably because having babies is one of the few excitements or achievements that they have in life. If you’re never going to be going to university, getting promoted, buying a house, travelling etc then a baby can provide you with a fair bit of entertainment/ attention.

This is true sadly.

IneedAbiggerWindchime · 27/07/2024 07:57

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 27/07/2024 06:12

From what I’ve observed from knowing families with 3 or more children is that they aren’t brought up properly imo.

yeah they do extra activities and go on holidays, but that doesn't mean the child’s wellbeing and needs are fulfilled.

with each child people have, the parents standard of care declines. I don’t believe you can have 3 or more children and fulfil all their needs and shape them into a well rounded, decent, unscathed adult.

Things get missed the more children you have like:

  • dental hygiene
  • personal hygiene
  • clean bedding, clothing etc
  • the child being able to have their own bedroom (this becomes really important as they reach puberty)
  • helping with homework and extra needs children may have like speech therapy etc
  • one to one time with their parents
  • shoes and clothes that aren’t handed down and fit properly.
  • teaching children things like manners, respect etc

The things above take up a hell of a lot of time and there’s no way they’re done properly with more than 2 children.

Just because you aren't capable of doing all that and providing all that, doesn't mean others aren't.

Galoop · 27/07/2024 07:59

Well no one needs kids, most have them because they think they should and most chuck them in nursery as soon as they can ... people have kids all the time in less than ideal situations

Lourdes12 · 27/07/2024 07:59

Biological instinct. Man and woman have sex, children gets created

GoatyBoaty · 27/07/2024 08:00

Long time lurker here, but first post.
Something about this question made me want to reply.

Personally my first baby died a few days after birth and I had this incredible biological urge to be a mother. I went on to have 2 more children, but the thought of one of them dying was sometimes on my mind. I felt incredibly fortunate to be able to have my children; but I suppose by having another child a part of me thought I'd still have 2 (living) if anything happened to one of them?!.

I also wanted a family that I didn't have growing up.

I love my children dearly, however I was somewhat naiive about how challenging 3 children could be. Especially as a perimenopausal working mother who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. One of my children almost certainly also has ADHD (awaiting assessment - another story) and another with possible dyslexia/ dyscalculia.

Yes financially it's a bit more difficult but finances aren't the biggest issue we have as a family, the neuro divergence in our household is!

MushMonster · 27/07/2024 08:00

Why do we need this thread?
Or any of the latest ones with stupid questions?
Like the one asking why people get married?
This sounds like a non- human action, to be honest.
Who needs to ask these questions? No one. They may not want children or marriage, or to buy a home, or a car, or to work, or to sleep 8 hours or whatever.
But nobody needs to ask other why they want to.
I am fed up of the why.....? Threads that make zero human sense.

Feelingemptybutgood · 27/07/2024 08:00

I have a very large family. Don’t want to say an exact number but it’s more than 7 and less than 10!

I have ASD and I don’t usually tell anyone this ever but it’s an obsession and I can’t stop until age no longer allows me to have dc.

MrHarleyQuin · 27/07/2024 08:01

RampantIvy · 27/07/2024 05:52

High birth rate is an extremely serious environmental problem. And that's also an understatement.

What is the answer?

Show quote history

Immigration, but some people aren't very keen on that.

souptalk · 27/07/2024 08:01

One can have as many kids as they want, provided they can care for them, emotionally and more importantly financially.

Kendodd · 27/07/2024 08:02

Jjiillkkf · 27/07/2024 05:46

Low birth rate is an extremely serious demographic problem. And that's an understatement.

It's only a problem for humans, for every other life form on the planet, its brilliant news. I'm with them.

Feelingemptybutgood · 27/07/2024 08:02

GoatyBoaty · 27/07/2024 08:00

Long time lurker here, but first post.
Something about this question made me want to reply.

Personally my first baby died a few days after birth and I had this incredible biological urge to be a mother. I went on to have 2 more children, but the thought of one of them dying was sometimes on my mind. I felt incredibly fortunate to be able to have my children; but I suppose by having another child a part of me thought I'd still have 2 (living) if anything happened to one of them?!.

I also wanted a family that I didn't have growing up.

I love my children dearly, however I was somewhat naiive about how challenging 3 children could be. Especially as a perimenopausal working mother who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. One of my children almost certainly also has ADHD (awaiting assessment - another story) and another with possible dyslexia/ dyscalculia.

Yes financially it's a bit more difficult but finances aren't the biggest issue we have as a family, the neuro divergence in our household is!

I’m so sorry for your loss, I also lost my first (late in second trimester) and I do feel that kick started what became my obsession with having a baby in my arms . Flowers

Galoop · 27/07/2024 08:03

berksandbeyond · 27/07/2024 07:55

I have a family member who couldn’t afford the first one (had to get another relative to buy them a £40 cot otherwise the baby wouldn’t have anywhere to sleep) yet they’ve had 3, in a 2 bedroom council house. Presumably because having babies is one of the few excitements or achievements that they have in life. If you’re never going to be going to university, getting promoted, buying a house, travelling etc then a baby can provide you with a fair bit of entertainment/ attention.

This is really quite insightful and I think you may be onto something there

radio4everyday · 27/07/2024 08:03

Starter knows that most people think that you should only have the kids you can afford, and agree with the cap. Child protection families mostly have large numbers of kids......

Ruffpuff · 27/07/2024 08:06

Because I accidentally had one at 21. I always wanted two. However, being so young I wasn’t in a financial position to have another at the time. I wasn’t exactly happy in my relationship with the father either.

At 27, I have now built a good career and I’ve found a loving, amazing partner. In the next couple of years I would like to have two more children as I’d like the experience of watching two close in age grow up together- and I don’t want my first born to feel like it’s just him and another baby…I think he’d adapt better if he’s the older one with two younger siblings.

I can afford it and it’s something I’ve always wanted. It will have an impact on my career somewhat as I’d like to go part-time for a little while afterwards (like I did when I had my first). Nevertheless, we can manage and I have my partner’s support.

So, my question is, why wouldn’t I?

IneedAbiggerWindchime · 27/07/2024 08:06

traintocatch · 27/07/2024 07:51

So who is looking after the kids? I have 2, a career, worked part-time while they were in primary school. They went to a a creche before school. No family to help us and it's been tough. We do like to live a full life and ensure both children are exposed to lots of opportunities and equal upbringing.

I do know a lot of people rely on parents/in laws when they decide to have more children. Even if I had this opportunity I would not have had considered it.

Show quote history

It's funny, because no-one has EVER asked my DH who is looking after the kids. Sexism at play.

I have no family support to care for the kids. I do some very part-time academic work in the evenings when DH has the kids. I home-school them and take them to lots of places during the day. This way they get more opportunities. No reliance on parents here.

I don't have to work at all, I just to it to keep my hand in. I could easily go full time but would rather be with my kids.

Most of my kids are actually grown now and they are very complementary about their childhood and us as parents. My mother had two kids and was pretty emotionally unavailable and I definitely did not have support to have my needs met. I have aspired to be different and it seems I am succeeding.

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