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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a bit pissed off with my 18 year old?

111 replies

JMSA · 27/07/2024 02:49

My daughters are supposed to be spending this weekend with their dad (every second weekend with him), but my 18 year old asked if she and two friends could sleep here tonight instead. They wanted to have drinks here while getting ready to go out, have their night out and then come back here to sleep. I'm closer to the city centre, so it's easier for them.
Not a problem, this is her home.
One of the friends has been to our place to stay loads of times. The other hadn't been here before and I wanted to make her feel welcome (as I tend to do with my girls' friends). So I took in a tray of drinks and nice snacks while they were getting ready, and left them to it.
While they were out, I entered the room to put some bedding on the trundle bed.
There's stuff everywhere! Bits of snacks that have been partially eaten and discarded, glasses empty or half filled with drinks, wrappers lying around, the wooden floor sticky with drink, etc.
I had a bit of a tidy up - I wouldn't normally do that but they wouldn't have been able to get into bed with everything lying around - especially if they're a bit pissed.
I don't know, it just feels like a pisstake. Yes, they were slightly merry before they left. But it would have taken them two minutes to jointly bring through their dishes and bin their rubbish. They're all leaving at around 10am tomorrow, as they have plans, so there's no way it was going to be done before they left.
It's not the first time I've had to have words with my daughter about this. I mean, if she doesn't respect her home (or me!) then she can hardly expect others to.
I feel like telling her not to have any more sleepovers here, on what is supposed to be my weekend off.
AIBU or am I being spectacularly uptight? It's true that I don't like mess Grin

OP posts:
Slinkyminky22 · 27/07/2024 02:53

You don't know for certain they weren't going to tidy it, so I think YABU.

JMSA · 27/07/2024 02:54

Honestly, they wouldn't have.

OP posts:
guessmyage11 · 27/07/2024 02:54

She's 18, cut her some slack. You should have given her chance to clean it up herself tomorrow... then if she hadn't then fair enough be annoyed, but you've gone in and done it for her

ladycardamom · 27/07/2024 02:54

YABU a bit. It's her room. Leave her to clean it up. Don't provide snacks and drinks next time.

Slinkyminky22 · 27/07/2024 02:55

Have they done this before?

Are they generally respectful?

You seem very certain.

JMSA · 27/07/2024 02:55

She'll be leaving at around 9.30am, and will be gone for the rest of the weekend.

OP posts:
JMSA · 27/07/2024 02:56

Slinkyminky22 · 27/07/2024 02:55

Have they done this before?

Are they generally respectful?

You seem very certain.

Generally lovely, respectful girls.

But yes, they've left a lot of mess before.

OP posts:
wandawaves · 27/07/2024 03:08

AIBU or am I being spectacularly uptight?

Spectacularly uptight.

Edingril · 27/07/2024 03:13

18 year olds can clean up after themselves so leave it for when she is free but her room leave it

There is no point cleaning up after her then complaining but I also have no issues in saying if it keeps up no one can come over though

I don't see why 18year olds are treated mature in one way but cleaning up after themselves is not something they are expected to do?

Thomasina79 · 27/07/2024 03:14

Leave the mess and let her tidy it up when she is back.just shut the door. You are enabling her. This will teach her more and help her cope when she has her own home. At the moment the magic fairy is doing it for her. Albeit a resentful magic fairy!

BelindaOkra · 27/07/2024 03:19

Uptight.

Lucy377 · 27/07/2024 03:19

Leave it. They could have brought out the dishes themselves tonight or tomorrow morning. Then just leave it like that. Her room her space.
They are youngsters enjoying themselves. They don't care if there's some crisps in their bed.

Malahide · 27/07/2024 03:29

You are taking a total non-issue and blowing it out of proportion OP. Surely you remember being 18? What you are describing is a perfectly normal bedroom after having multiple teenage girls getting ready for a night out in it. Be realistic - it’s hardly going to be spotless or tidy in the slightest.

Your DD did not ask you to come in and clean it. Leave her room (and private space) alone.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 27/07/2024 03:33

She's a big girl, an adult who's old enough to go out on the piss with her mates, she doesn't need her mum bringing snacks or making up beds. Let her grow up a bit and just leave her to it next time. If the room is still filthy when they go to leave in the morning, by all means say something.

101Nutella · 27/07/2024 03:47

YABU.
you voluntarily provided snacks etc then added conditions to it, which weren’t communicated and then got upset that no one met them.

you now want to ban sleepovers even tho it’s ’her House too’, except when she doesn’t clean immediately even tho she was going out?

changing goalposts here. I would leave until morning and remind her to do it before they leave. I wouldn’t clean before a night out.

W0tnow · 27/07/2024 03:58

Totally not unreasonable. I have an 18 year old and she’s done this before, with her friends. They’re all lovely, but yes, they can be thoughtless. I made it clear that they need to leave the kitchen as they found it, <before> they leave on their night out.

Im not interested in promises to tidy it up the next day. I’m an early riser and I like to walk into a clean kitchen in the morning.

lol at attaching conditions to providing snacks. It’s common courtesy to tidy up after yourself at that age.

I’m happy to make up extra beds and provide drinks and snacks. I love seeing them all in the morning and making coffee and tea. I love remembering what a fun age 18 is. They are great girls. You were thoughtful to welcome them and provide pre-going out drinks and something to eat. Being thoughtful should go both ways.

NeverHadHaveHas · 27/07/2024 04:00

Unclench.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/07/2024 04:03

Who the hell spends time tidying up once ready to go out?

I don't recall you mentioning them asking for room service, so if you hadn't taken drinks and snacks up there, there wouldn't be the fall-out for that up there.

You are being spectacularly uptight, yes. If they want to wobble in and then sleep in a room filled with crap... let them.

It's her room, not the whole house - if she and her friends had taken over the whole house and left it in a shit-pile, I'd think you had a point, but you're meddling (no need to go in there, lob the bedding in or leave it outside the door, they should have sorted it before they left) and finding things to grump about.

Discotrousers · 27/07/2024 04:10

I think just don't provide drinks and snacks in her room OP tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

Scarletrunner · 27/07/2024 04:11

Discotrousers · 27/07/2024 04:10

I think just don't provide drinks and snacks in her room OP tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

This obvious solution

PaminaMozart · 27/07/2024 04:14

Scarletrunner · 27/07/2024 04:11

This obvious solution

Absolutely.

NB: I always had a no food - other than the odd bag of crisps - in bedrooms policy.

Onthemaintrunkline · 27/07/2024 04:17

W0tnow · 27/07/2024 03:58

Totally not unreasonable. I have an 18 year old and she’s done this before, with her friends. They’re all lovely, but yes, they can be thoughtless. I made it clear that they need to leave the kitchen as they found it, <before> they leave on their night out.

Im not interested in promises to tidy it up the next day. I’m an early riser and I like to walk into a clean kitchen in the morning.

lol at attaching conditions to providing snacks. It’s common courtesy to tidy up after yourself at that age.

I’m happy to make up extra beds and provide drinks and snacks. I love seeing them all in the morning and making coffee and tea. I love remembering what a fun age 18 is. They are great girls. You were thoughtful to welcome them and provide pre-going out drinks and something to eat. Being thoughtful should go both ways.

Edited

Totally ageee

MinniesCountdown · 27/07/2024 04:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MrHarleyQuin · 27/07/2024 04:22

I remember when I first went on holiday with my mates at 18 and my clothes being everywhere in a crumpled heap in the apartment. Even a year later having been at university for a year I decided I didn't want creased clothes and was a bit more organised.

mumedu · 27/07/2024 04:23

Discotrousers · 27/07/2024 04:10

I think just don't provide drinks and snacks in her room OP tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

You shouldn't be providing alcohol to her and her friends. They were tipsy and disrespectful.

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