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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a bit pissed off with my 18 year old?

111 replies

JMSA · 27/07/2024 02:49

My daughters are supposed to be spending this weekend with their dad (every second weekend with him), but my 18 year old asked if she and two friends could sleep here tonight instead. They wanted to have drinks here while getting ready to go out, have their night out and then come back here to sleep. I'm closer to the city centre, so it's easier for them.
Not a problem, this is her home.
One of the friends has been to our place to stay loads of times. The other hadn't been here before and I wanted to make her feel welcome (as I tend to do with my girls' friends). So I took in a tray of drinks and nice snacks while they were getting ready, and left them to it.
While they were out, I entered the room to put some bedding on the trundle bed.
There's stuff everywhere! Bits of snacks that have been partially eaten and discarded, glasses empty or half filled with drinks, wrappers lying around, the wooden floor sticky with drink, etc.
I had a bit of a tidy up - I wouldn't normally do that but they wouldn't have been able to get into bed with everything lying around - especially if they're a bit pissed.
I don't know, it just feels like a pisstake. Yes, they were slightly merry before they left. But it would have taken them two minutes to jointly bring through their dishes and bin their rubbish. They're all leaving at around 10am tomorrow, as they have plans, so there's no way it was going to be done before they left.
It's not the first time I've had to have words with my daughter about this. I mean, if she doesn't respect her home (or me!) then she can hardly expect others to.
I feel like telling her not to have any more sleepovers here, on what is supposed to be my weekend off.
AIBU or am I being spectacularly uptight? It's true that I don't like mess Grin

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 28/07/2024 08:11

Teen has messy bedroom, who’d have thought?

Bedroomdilemmas113 · 28/07/2024 08:14

I really don’t like mess, my house is immaculate and my kids are very good at tidying up after themselves.

However, in these circumstances even I wouldn’t give a toss! I’d honestly be more concerned if she stopped the getting ready vibe to make everyone tidy up. Let her have fun.

If it was still like that the following evening, she would be up for adoption though!

Dancingmonkeyfeet · 28/07/2024 08:17

18 year old girls do not start tidying up when they are half pissed and on their way out.

They just don’t 😂

Just say - next time don’t fuck your room up
when your getting ready.

ssd · 28/07/2024 08:38

Bloody hell op. You need to unclench . And quit with the bringing up little trays of snacks to make the friend feel welcome, they aren't 10 and this isn't Abigails party. Step out the room and leave them to it.

rainbowstardrops · 28/07/2024 08:51

Well I certainly wouldn't have gone in there and tidied up! If they can't get into their beds because of the mess then tough! They'll probably be too pissed to even care!
It is disrespectful though but they were excited about their night out and tidying up probably wasn't high on their agenda!
I'd be having a chat re going forward though

Shinyandnew1 · 28/07/2024 08:56

But yes, they've left a lot of mess before

If you knew that, and it bothers you, taking a tray of food and drink into her room was probably not the best idea!

mirrorlife · 28/07/2024 08:56

Step back a bit. Bringing trays of snacks up and then going in to tidy up- it’s all a bit over-involved.

Better to let them experience the natural consequences themselves- they didn’t make the bed up so they have to do it at the end of the night when they are tired. Next time they’ll be more
organised. No need for you be be a martyr doing it for them then feeling cross about it.

LegendInMyOwnLunchtime · 28/07/2024 09:03

So what if it is untidy; it’s her room.

Sticky floor? No damage done.

They were excited getting ready, 18 year olds are a bit feckless.

It’s her room.

She’s 18. Why didn’t you give her the sheets for the spare bed and leave her to it?

And it’s quite intrusive to 18 year olds, going in with drinks, going in amongst their stuff with sheets.

Telling her she can’t have friends to stay because of this would be a wild over reaction

BuggeryBumFlaps · 28/07/2024 09:05

My dd will do this before a night out, but it's always cleaned up the following day. I tend to just shut the door and not look

cansu · 28/07/2024 09:07

You didn't even give her 24 hours to clean up! You didn't need to go in her room. You are being intrusive and yes uptight.

socks1107 · 28/07/2024 09:47

I've gone in after my daughter and friends have gone out, cleared a space on the beds so they can come in and get into bed easily. This is so they don't wake me banging about!
But the mess? I'd have ignored it and been pleased she was having a good time

stripycats · 28/07/2024 10:07

You seem to think you did her a favour by allowing her to stay when she was supposed to be at her dad's. You say of course she could as it's her home, but everything else about the post indicates that you feel aggrieved that she wasn't more grateful. I think that's sad. My kids also go to their dad's every other weekend so I do get it as, much as I miss them, I enjoy not having to think about food when they're not there, but I find the sense of resentment from you that she made a mess when she wasn't 'supposed' to be there anyway quite sad.

I also wouldn't dream of taking up trays of snacks and drinks to teenagers. They don't want that, ime. They want to be left to get on with it and to sort themselves out with anything they want. Stop being a martyr and let them get on with it. Tidying up the next day after having people round and then a night out is absolutely normal as communal areas were not affected, particularly as you were the one who took the stuff in there anyway! They obviously weren't going to tidy up once they'd been drinking so why did you add to the mess potential when you weren't even asked to?

IcecreamWhatSandwich · 28/07/2024 10:43

YABU, it honestly seems like you were looking for a way to feel put upon.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 28/07/2024 18:52

I'd love to have those days back again.
And be less uptight.

Lilacapples · 28/07/2024 18:58

No you’re not being unreasonable and definitely not uptight!

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 28/07/2024 19:03

The problem is she knows you will do it!!! Leave it next time and make her deal with it!

sunshinerainstorm · 28/07/2024 19:04

I'm double their age and when I'm getting ready to go out for a night out I leave my room like a shithole - that's tomorrows problem. It's stressful enough getting ready without having to tidy all the crap up before you leave.

Chill out.

pinksheetss · 28/07/2024 19:09

Yep YABU

They were heading on a night out, you don't know for a fact they wouldn't have tidied in the morning.

A bit OTT on your part

Getonwitit · 28/07/2024 19:09

Why is your 18 adult daughter still being shoved between her home and her fathers home every other weekend ? She isn't a child.

Bignanna · 28/07/2024 19:11

OP - you have every right to be fed up! Perhaps you have been too lenient and welcoming. They’re taking advantage of your good nature. Being messy and inconsiderate is. NOT a right of passage. Just say this can’t happen again the future, they must leave the room tidy, and no food will be taken to the bed room. Why do parents allow that anyway?

Cherrysoup · 28/07/2024 19:12

I would have left it for her to do, tough shit if they couldn’t get into bed, they’d have had to tidy up, then, wouldn’t they? She’s 18, not 8, although I’d expect an 8 year old to be capable of tidying up their own room too.

JLou08 · 28/07/2024 19:17

You're being uptight. Im not even sure why you would go in her room. At 18 she is more than capable of making up the bed and tidying her own bedroom.
I remember leaving the house in a mess getting ready for girls nights out. It's really not that big of a deal. I survived stepping over some mess when I rolled in drunk and managed to clean it up the next day.

redskydarknight · 28/07/2024 19:18

I had to check the daughter's age as, apart from the alcohol, I'd have assumed she was about 12.

if your daughter wants to have friends round she can sort out her own drinks and snacks and sleeping arrangements. She can also leave her room in as much of a tip as she wants and you shouldn't be going in when she's not there.

Yes, I agree you need ground rules around leaving food and drink around, but if it was only going to take 2 minutes, then you simply ask her tomorrow morning to make sure she's not left food and drink about and it can be done then.

coincidentally my daughter is also 18 and planning to have friends round tonight. Other than a discussion about what would be acceptable noise levels when it gets later, I am not remotely involved.

Hummingbird75 · 28/07/2024 19:19

I wouldn't like this either, but I think it is an overstep to go in there and tidy it up. You are not a maid.
I would say unless she can be respectful she will only be offered water going forward.
Its okay to lay out your expectations of conduct in your home.

redskydarknight · 28/07/2024 19:24

Hummingbird75 · 28/07/2024 19:19

I wouldn't like this either, but I think it is an overstep to go in there and tidy it up. You are not a maid.
I would say unless she can be respectful she will only be offered water going forward.
Its okay to lay out your expectations of conduct in your home.

18 year olds tend to sort their own drinks ... I'm not sure the threat of water only, will have the desired effect.