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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a bit pissed off with my 18 year old?

111 replies

JMSA · 27/07/2024 02:49

My daughters are supposed to be spending this weekend with their dad (every second weekend with him), but my 18 year old asked if she and two friends could sleep here tonight instead. They wanted to have drinks here while getting ready to go out, have their night out and then come back here to sleep. I'm closer to the city centre, so it's easier for them.
Not a problem, this is her home.
One of the friends has been to our place to stay loads of times. The other hadn't been here before and I wanted to make her feel welcome (as I tend to do with my girls' friends). So I took in a tray of drinks and nice snacks while they were getting ready, and left them to it.
While they were out, I entered the room to put some bedding on the trundle bed.
There's stuff everywhere! Bits of snacks that have been partially eaten and discarded, glasses empty or half filled with drinks, wrappers lying around, the wooden floor sticky with drink, etc.
I had a bit of a tidy up - I wouldn't normally do that but they wouldn't have been able to get into bed with everything lying around - especially if they're a bit pissed.
I don't know, it just feels like a pisstake. Yes, they were slightly merry before they left. But it would have taken them two minutes to jointly bring through their dishes and bin their rubbish. They're all leaving at around 10am tomorrow, as they have plans, so there's no way it was going to be done before they left.
It's not the first time I've had to have words with my daughter about this. I mean, if she doesn't respect her home (or me!) then she can hardly expect others to.
I feel like telling her not to have any more sleepovers here, on what is supposed to be my weekend off.
AIBU or am I being spectacularly uptight? It's true that I don't like mess Grin

OP posts:
Iloveeverycat · 27/07/2024 12:40

No dea why you mention not having your weekend off. They are 18 you didn't have do do anything for them. If they wanted drinks and snacks they could have got them. You could of just left it there. You cleared up because you wanted to so no point in moaning about it after.

YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 27/07/2024 12:58

I’m 30 and I leave my bedroom in a right state when I go on an evening out. Last minute outfit decisions, clothes strewn everywhere, hair products, drinks glasses, shoes, bags etc.
As long as it gets cleaned up eventually. And nothing mouldy. That would be my limit.

mrsm43s · 27/07/2024 13:08

Keep out of her room, she's an adult! And you can't "ban sleepovers", because again, she's an adult and this is her home.

I have similar aged young adults, and I wouldn't dream of disrespecting their privacy by wandering in and out of their private rooms as I pleased.

YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 27/07/2024 13:26

mrsm43s · 27/07/2024 13:08

Keep out of her room, she's an adult! And you can't "ban sleepovers", because again, she's an adult and this is her home.

I have similar aged young adults, and I wouldn't dream of disrespecting their privacy by wandering in and out of their private rooms as I pleased.

Well the room is in the OPs house so she can very much do what she likes.

WeeOrcadian · 27/07/2024 13:28

She's old enough to drink
She's old enough to go out
She's old enough to tidy her room

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/07/2024 13:49

mumedu · 27/07/2024 04:23

You shouldn't be providing alcohol to her and her friends. They were tipsy and disrespectful.

@mumedu

always the Mother’s fault eh? It wasn’t OP that made the mess!

they are 18, adults, legally old enough to drink.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 27/07/2024 13:53

It is disrespectful op she is 18 not 8 and should have had a quick tidy up before she went out.
Yanbu

LookItsMeAgain · 27/07/2024 14:04

My advice would be to have a word with your 18yr old daughter and say that while you've put up with the way she and her friends treat your home when they are getting ready, that you're really disappointed when you went in to collect glasses/plates/whatever to see the state of the room.
Going forwards, if she is having guests over, she treats the room and your belongings with respect. Otherwise, when she moves out, you'll not let her know when you visit her in her place, and you'll treat her place as she treats yours. Bring sugar puffs and extra sticky sweets when you do visit! 😂
In all fairness, she shouldn't be leaving rooms in a state and her friends are probably only following her lead.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/07/2024 14:10

I wouldn't be bringing up trays of drinks and snacks for a group of teens on the piss. They'll just treat you like a waitress!
Teens should bring their own drinks, and then if they want to sleep in a messy room when drunk that's on them. Of course if once they'd gone your daughter hadn't tidied then give her a stern reminder. Once she's slept off her hangover!

Bluebonnet100 · 27/07/2024 14:20

I agree with you, JMSA. It may be her room, but it is in your house. Plus, food crumbs/debris left sitting around attracts bugs such as ants and roaches. Not to mention mice and rats. Those critters don’t care if the crumbs are in her room, they will decide they need to explore the rest of the house to see what else is available.

Your house, your rules.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/07/2024 14:23

Bluebonnet100 · 27/07/2024 14:20

I agree with you, JMSA. It may be her room, but it is in your house. Plus, food crumbs/debris left sitting around attracts bugs such as ants and roaches. Not to mention mice and rats. Those critters don’t care if the crumbs are in her room, they will decide they need to explore the rest of the house to see what else is available.

Your house, your rules.

This!

End of!

cupcaske123 · 27/07/2024 14:26

Don't take food into her room, there's no need. Sleepovers? She's 18. It's her room and she's old enough to clean it up herself.

Choochoo21 · 27/07/2024 14:55

YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 27/07/2024 12:58

I’m 30 and I leave my bedroom in a right state when I go on an evening out. Last minute outfit decisions, clothes strewn everywhere, hair products, drinks glasses, shoes, bags etc.
As long as it gets cleaned up eventually. And nothing mouldy. That would be my limit.

I agree!

It’s common knowledge that the room gets messy when getting ready for a night out.

Its very telling that you went in twice (and mentioned that it’s not your weekend to have her).

You need to back off a bit and let her be a young adult.
If she’s generally a nice, respectful girl then leave her to get on with it.

Malahide · 27/07/2024 15:41

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 27/07/2024 13:53

It is disrespectful op she is 18 not 8 and should have had a quick tidy up before she went out.
Yanbu

I take it you’ve never gotten ready for a night out in a rush then? Or parented teenage girls before?

capstix · 27/07/2024 18:14

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/07/2024 14:23

This!

End of!

Surely this post should have ended "Vote Trump! Make America great again!"

TheSeagullsSquawk · 27/07/2024 19:04

I don't really get any of this - it seems very fussy/infantalising to bring drinks and snacks into her room. Although alternatively just kind!

But I do think you are showing some signs of inability to separate her from you. Eg the disrespect of 'your space'. She's a teen/adult. You roll your eyes at her and tell her to sort it out.

Is this a 'you can do what you like when you have your own house' situation? My Mum was like that. I did A levels went to uni - never came back.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 27/07/2024 19:10

YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 27/07/2024 12:58

I’m 30 and I leave my bedroom in a right state when I go on an evening out. Last minute outfit decisions, clothes strewn everywhere, hair products, drinks glasses, shoes, bags etc.
As long as it gets cleaned up eventually. And nothing mouldy. That would be my limit.

Same here. My bedroom looked like a tornado had gone through it when I was getting ready for a night out when I was 18!
Now I'm pushing 40 with 2 kids and the entire house looks like a tornado has gone through it when getting us all ready to go out for a special occasion! It gets tidied up next day....

Onthemaintrunkline · 27/07/2024 20:50

WeeOrcadian · 27/07/2024 13:28

She's old enough to drink
She's old enough to go out
She's old enough to tidy her room

Absolutely

Bluebonnet100 · 27/07/2024 21:32

capstix · 27/07/2024 18:14

Surely this post should have ended "Vote Trump! Make America great again!"

Oh, yes. Let’s make it political. Has nothing to do with politics, just respect.

MasterBeth · 27/07/2024 21:49

Uptight. Adult's bedroom. Keep your nose out.

Malahide · 27/07/2024 21:55

Bluebonnet100 · 27/07/2024 21:32

Oh, yes. Let’s make it political. Has nothing to do with politics, just respect.

Most parents would respect their adult child by giving them privacy in their own bedroom.

itsmylife7 · 27/07/2024 21:56

Do not tidy the room up.

OldTinHat · 27/07/2024 21:57

From experience, close their door and ignore. Not your room, not your problem.

capstix · 28/07/2024 07:58

Bluebonnet100 · 27/07/2024 21:32

Oh, yes. Let’s make it political. Has nothing to do with politics, just respect.

Not making it political. Just taking the micky out of the poster's clearly authoritarian domestic bent. Sorry you didn't get it.

Fluufer · 28/07/2024 08:09

It's her room and you didn't even give her a chance to tidy up. A bit of mess for a few hours isn't going to hurt anyone.