Or is DH? Stuck on holiday with him

[WITWHBIWAGT]

Bought lunch in a small supermarket today as per agreement. We are on holiday and needed quick food. I got a shop bought meat sandwich and some bread and hummus. It was slim pickings.

So, DC decided they didn’t want the shop sandwich and I’m vegetarian. So I said to DH, ‘I am afraid it’s the shop bought sandwich for you.’ I said it in a kind of resigned, ‘bloody fussy kids’ kind of way - I thought.

He got cross and asked why does he have to eat it? I said you don’t but DC don’t want it and I don’t eat meat. ‘So why aren’t I allowed bread and hummus?’ - me ‘I’m not saying you are aren’t, I’m just saying no one else will eat that sandwich’ - he continues ranting. I say, ‘it’s fine, we can just chuck the sandwich away’.

Anyway he goes on being cross and telling me how awful I’m being. I get a bit tearful. Oldest DC comes and hugs me. DH storms off and slams the door. Then a bit later comes angrily out and angrily eats the bloody sandwich. I try and make conversation but I’m feeling a bit upset.

DC then go off somewhere so I calmly explain that I wasn’t dictating he should have the sandwich, more was commiserating. He sulkily says thank you for explaining and then says, ‘but can you see how I might think you were dictating what I eat’. I say no I don’t, because it seems obvious to me that I’m saying oh no, you poor thing, the DC are being fussy again and you are going to be stuck with that boring sandwich.

He launches into another tirade about how awful I’ve been (I got a bit irritated with him twice in the last week - I think most people would have but that’s another thread) - called me arrogant. Said my irritation with him was as unacceptable. I asked him if he thought it was ok to speak to me how he was. He didn’t answer. Carried on his tirade until I just sat quiet for long enough. I had a bit of a cry.

Was I being unreasonable and should he say sorry for getting so angry and storming off? To be clear, I stayed calm, didn’t once shout and didn’t call him any names or have a go at him but also didn’t just apologise because he’d completely misunderstood me for some reason.

I’ve got another week of holiday left. I just want to go home but have to play happy families for DC.

Sounds like my ex. All woe is me if I dared to make a slightly negative remark towards him. Holidays were always the worst. It was almost like he couldn't cope with being with me and DC, though more likely found the change in routine difficult. He has ASD, it was a pattern of behaviour. I only realised after he had to move out how much I was on edge all the time, and it was beginning to affect the DC. It was a relief to say he wasn't coming home. We're all much happier. He has a small life, a low paid job with no responsibility, no responsibility for the kids, time to do what he wants.
And I've found myself again! It's not easy but I love my life now.

He sounds absolutely vile.

@WITWHBIWAGT

I’ll tell you a couple of things I’ve noticed.

Some men hate spending family time with their kids, unless it’s all about them and what they want to do. But they know that saying this out loud makes them a shit dad and partner . So they act like arseholes when they are there and hope that their wife will say ( as suggested up this thread) “ ok you just go off and do your own thing while all do all the parenting “.

They also like to pick fights on holiday, so they can dump their resentment at actually having to be there at all.

Some men think that they shouldn’t have to do any of the grunt work of parenting, especially on holiday . They think that’s women’s work . Like buying lunch or letting the kids have first choice of food because they are kids.

Some men think they should always come first, which is hard with young children as they are also self centred. But eventually they learn that life is better if daddy always gets his own way, otherwise he will sulk and spoil things.

Does any of this sound familiar ?

The thought of your DC rushing to comfort you is heartbreaking, OP. I bet he feels like he's treading on eggshells as much as you are. As someone who grew up with a dad with lots of triggers and a filthy temper I can tell you it's a horrible atmosphere in which to grow up. It cuts really deeply. So, with the greatest of respect, I'm going to say your couples counselling clearly isn't working and for the sake of your children, you need to put your marriage out of its misery.

She's explained this about 50 times already.

I was on my own, we were in a hurry. I got what I thought would work ok. He was badly parked and so I had to hurry. It was functional food rather than nice food.

Yup. Agree.

This has nothing to do with the sandwich @WITWHBIWAGT.

It's usually something fairly inconsequential that will open the relationship floodgates.

Ok compadre.

Some men hate spending family time with their kids, unless it’s all about them and what they want to do. But they know that saying this out loud makes them a shit dad and partner . So they act like arseholes when they are there and hope that their wife will say ( as suggested up this thread) “ ok you just go off and do your own thing while all do all the parenting “.

Your whole post is spot on @1VY

My ex was exactly like this, which is one of the many reasons he's an ex.

Let him sort the food for the rest of the holidays.

I'm not sure that's fair.

But sometimes there's ways of doing the same thing that are considerate and not considerate.

Generally when I a relationship is good we chose the most considerate option. Because we don't want to upset the other person and for them to leave

When we've already checked out of a relationship, we pick the expedient option regardless of potential hurt. Because if they're upset we'll that's there fault if they took the worst possible interpretation right?

I'd be pretty upset too if I was always an afterthought. I'm not at all convinced it was an overreaction of the OP's DH. Just genuine hurt

Hmmmm, I can see how he could have initially misunderstood but then he overreacted totally. It seems to be tension in your relationship coming out.

I'd be pretty upset too if I was always an afterthought. I'm not at all convinced it was an overreaction of the OP's DH. Just genuine hurt.

@Icedlatteplease You've written a little story here that the OP's husband is "always an afterthought" but it's hard to see on what evidence you've formed that opinion.

I don’t think I’ve ever fallen out with my husband whilst we’re on holiday!
we’re both off work, no stress and get on great!

WHO had a go over the sandwich???

You said it first.
Thousand times better without a husband than this 💩.

Before buying anything, couldn't you ask them what they fancied? That's what I don't get. Conversely, haven't any of them got the gumption to say 'let's talk about lunch'.

I'm going to tread gently here because I don't know if you refuse to get it or genuinely don't understand. The OP has explained that it was slim pickings in the supermarket and she wasn't particularly thrilled with the idea of bread and hummus. The sandwich was for one dc. What she said was perfectly reasonable, many mums and dads eat whatever the kids don't want. She couldn't eat the sandwich because it had meat in it, no doubt if it didn't she would have offered it to her dh first then had it herself if he didn't want it. As not to waste it.
To sum up, he wasn't an afterthought, there was nothing in the supermarket to choose from so she got what she could.

I got a bit irritated with him twice in the last week

Honestly OP is sounds like you’ve both been grumpy with each other.

Why were you left with such crap options for lunch? Or just get enough hummus and bread for everyone if the sandwiches were that rubbish.

Fantastic resonating post; and thankyou for reminding me why I kicked mine out 18 months ago. No more of this sort of shit for me.

I have a “d”h who is prone to getting hangry. Storms off hunting for food, returns angry I somehow pushed his buttons.
But when pointed out, will reflect and agree that he, insert any excuse here such as; didn’t eat enough breakfast, really wants pizza, can’t find the bike shop he’s searching for or needs more substantial meals than me.
Apples and bananas are his friend.

This all sounds miserable OP. Where are you holidaying that those are the only food options? Understandable that you are all on your last nerve.

Your DH could very well be an arsehole but sharing one supermarket sandwich and a bit of hummus for a meal is clearly a bit shit and I'd be snappy too.

It wouldn't have mattered if they'd printed out a three-page shopping list for her – the shop was poorly stocked so she grabbed what she could. He reacted like a dick.