Or is DH? Stuck on holiday with him

[WITWHBIWAGT]

Bought lunch in a small supermarket today as per agreement. We are on holiday and needed quick food. I got a shop bought meat sandwich and some bread and hummus. It was slim pickings.

So, DC decided they didn’t want the shop sandwich and I’m vegetarian. So I said to DH, ‘I am afraid it’s the shop bought sandwich for you.’ I said it in a kind of resigned, ‘bloody fussy kids’ kind of way - I thought.

He got cross and asked why does he have to eat it? I said you don’t but DC don’t want it and I don’t eat meat. ‘So why aren’t I allowed bread and hummus?’ - me ‘I’m not saying you are aren’t, I’m just saying no one else will eat that sandwich’ - he continues ranting. I say, ‘it’s fine, we can just chuck the sandwich away’.

Anyway he goes on being cross and telling me how awful I’m being. I get a bit tearful. Oldest DC comes and hugs me. DH storms off and slams the door. Then a bit later comes angrily out and angrily eats the bloody sandwich. I try and make conversation but I’m feeling a bit upset.

DC then go off somewhere so I calmly explain that I wasn’t dictating he should have the sandwich, more was commiserating. He sulkily says thank you for explaining and then says, ‘but can you see how I might think you were dictating what I eat’. I say no I don’t, because it seems obvious to me that I’m saying oh no, you poor thing, the DC are being fussy again and you are going to be stuck with that boring sandwich.

He launches into another tirade about how awful I’ve been (I got a bit irritated with him twice in the last week - I think most people would have but that’s another thread) - called me arrogant. Said my irritation with him was as unacceptable. I asked him if he thought it was ok to speak to me how he was. He didn’t answer. Carried on his tirade until I just sat quiet for long enough. I had a bit of a cry.

Was I being unreasonable and should he say sorry for getting so angry and storming off? To be clear, I stayed calm, didn’t once shout and didn’t call him any names or have a go at him but also didn’t just apologise because he’d completely misunderstood me for some reason.

I’ve got another week of holiday left. I just want to go home but have to play happy families for DC.

Fine for him to be annoyed about it. Fine for him to not eat it. Not fine for him to have a tantrum about it and leave me crying.

Posting these situational 'he said, I said' posts on here rarely goes well OP.

You'll get someone telling you he's a sulking abusive twat that likes to make the mother of his children cry, LTB and others that'll twist your words and call you unhinged, a nightmare and manipulative for buying a bloody sandwich for someone (anyone), take the differing views on board but don't rise to them

You sound like it's all getting rather a lot for you though, counselling and now resorting to posting on here for advice, I'd be taking a very hard look at how you want your and your children's future to look. If the counselling is working then keep at it, if not, don't flog that dead horse and don't keep allowing you children to see you upset because of your husband (especially over a fucking sandwich, christ almighty)

Sending you hugs and hope you find happiness

Usual suspects on here trying to make this OPs fault.

You did nothing wrong OP, you bought the best things you could from the slim pickings in the shop. So many posters not reading posts properly and having a go at you for not buying better options.

He should have been grateful for your effort, not rude. Is this how you really want to live?

Evil nature?! Massive over-reaction about a wine and bagel debate l think

I got what there was. I made a bad joke. I can see why he might have misunderstood but it’s a very negative lens. He was not justified in a massive tirade at me though. Surely you agree it was disproportionate?

Yanbu, how bloody petty of him. Can't count the number of times there wasn't any milk or forgot to get bread and dh pretended he wasn't hungry any more. He would have eaten the damn sandwich without a word if that was all left. Well if the kids didn't want it then off course as the adult you let the kids eat the only other thing that's there. And if you don't eat meat you aren't even part of the problem.

This is not about the sandwich. This is a about a couple whose communication is sliding past each other. What you are saying and what you mean doesn't align.

Based on the three described situations, it sounds as if he is feeling you have to 'win' every minor disagreement.

He thanked you for your explanation, you refused to accept how it landed for him.
You asked him not to put bottles in the boot and then got irritated when his solution wasn't what you wanted, but didn't say what your solution was.
Then in a conversation he was having with DC, you jumped in and critcised him again.

The anger becomes disproportionate because of the constant rubbing each other up the wrong way. Resentment is building and unless you find a way to get clearer with each other, this marriage is dead

For everyone who thinks the op should have worded it differently. Do you really after running around an unfamiliar supermarket struggling to find a lunch that everyone is going to eat, quickly grabbing things and already bracing yourself for grumbles, feeling hot, tired and overwhelmed, do you really think it is your duty to craft pleasing sentences in a melodious voice on your return? I think it is more than enough to emerge with food - any food as long as it is in date. If you are a bit grumpy and frazzled, well your family should have a bit of empathy.

If there was enough bread and humous for all then why didn't you give dh the option of Sarnie or bread &h

He usually eats ANYTHING. He’s not fussy. He fishes whatever the kids don’t eat. He hates food waste. I thought one of DC or him would like the stupid fucking shitty sandwich. I made a joke based on the above and it back fired. I didn’t deserve a tirade.

He sounds an insufferable. My ex husband used to moan, carp and flounce about food which drove me insane. Next time your husband go to the shop, pick through the slim pickings and try to keep everyone happy

It sounds bloody tiresome. Is this him trying his absolute best?

If so, I think I’d be out.

I said from the start that he overreacted. He just have let it drop and not got you upset.
I was just pointing out that I could see why he was annoyed (the continued going on about it was not acceptable ).

the wine incident sounds like he might have left him feeling like he couldn’t do anything right. You told him not to do something, he then did something differently and you told him that was wrong . Without being there I have no idea of knowing whether what he did was stupid or if you made a fuss about nothing and making out you were evil is not wrong but maybe he is feeling like he can’t do anything right/dictating what and how he does things so maybe just try and be aware of that.

No. I assumed he’d rather eat than waste it. I thought two family members would like the sandwich. I made a joke. It backfired massively and led to a tirade about how fucking awful I am. Well I’m not. I did my best and he can just fuck off and find a perfect wife somewhere who will accept his shitty moods.

Usual suspects on here trying to make this OPs fault.

I am so glad someone else notices too! I'm expecting some more, one in particular. A little while ago, they started going on to the relationships board telling women in very abusive relationships to just do better too. It is so toxic. They are starting to stand out thank goodness.

OP, you did nothing wrong and it must be awful walking on eggshells and minding what you say constantly. Living like that is not good for you. I hope you are in a position to make plans to leave, this must be awful for you and your children.

Please ignore that poster @WITWHBIWAGT , they are just here to upset you.

So you can see his POV.

Why not just say that to him and say how you understand how he could have misunderstood.
You chose to claim to not see his POV/misunderstood which meant the argument carried on and escalated.

There is no point in doing couples therapy if you’re not going to communicate properly.
That includes trying to see each others POV.

I’m sure there are a lot of wrongs on both sides.

Perhaps forget about the couples therapy and use the money to take the kids on a trip separately considering this one has been ruined for them.

The bread and hummus was for us all. The sandwich for either DC or DH - I thought both options were a bit shit. I was on my own. It was slim pickings. We are abroad.

Would the counselling money not be better spent on therapy for your kids? Inflicting them with walking on eggshells, tension, the man's tirades and tantrums will be damaging them.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your ‘D’H sounds like a horrible bully. Is this the life you want?

But when you were in the supermarket, what did you consider/discuss for him to eat?

Anything? Nothing? Or was he always going to have just leftovers

I am not out to upset her. I have a lot of sympathy for her and have said his behaviour is out of order. But the question of the post is AIBU or is dh, so I am pointing out where he is coming from in response to the question.
if all she wants is sympathy then fine but ask for sympathy rather than a question about which one is being unreasonable in a situation where both have done things that have annoyed one another and got overly annoyed by it

Me be it's time to reconsider the marriage. Either the couples counselling is working or it is not.

How will you cope if you part?

Let this one go and cheer yourself up creating a bright shiny future without him. It's a thought exercise, nothing more, but you need to start thinking along these lines if things do not get better. This behaviour cannot be allowed to continue, if only for your kids.

He didn’t use the words ‘evil nature’ I was using hyperbole. But lengthy tirade that left me very clear as to all my failings and how it’s all my fault. But yes. Massive over reaction to normal marital stuff.

To be honest it's not really about the sandwich. It's bigger than the sandwich. The sandwich is just a symbol of bigger issues. You have my sympathy OP. Men can be moody annoying arseholes who act like teenagers. I have one of these at home too. It sounds like you need a little break from each other... absence can make the heart grow fonder, or at least give you some space to think about things.