Or is DH? Stuck on holiday with him

[WITWHBIWAGT]

Bought lunch in a small supermarket today as per agreement. We are on holiday and needed quick food. I got a shop bought meat sandwich and some bread and hummus. It was slim pickings.

So, DC decided they didn’t want the shop sandwich and I’m vegetarian. So I said to DH, ‘I am afraid it’s the shop bought sandwich for you.’ I said it in a kind of resigned, ‘bloody fussy kids’ kind of way - I thought.

He got cross and asked why does he have to eat it? I said you don’t but DC don’t want it and I don’t eat meat. ‘So why aren’t I allowed bread and hummus?’ - me ‘I’m not saying you are aren’t, I’m just saying no one else will eat that sandwich’ - he continues ranting. I say, ‘it’s fine, we can just chuck the sandwich away’.

Anyway he goes on being cross and telling me how awful I’m being. I get a bit tearful. Oldest DC comes and hugs me. DH storms off and slams the door. Then a bit later comes angrily out and angrily eats the bloody sandwich. I try and make conversation but I’m feeling a bit upset.

DC then go off somewhere so I calmly explain that I wasn’t dictating he should have the sandwich, more was commiserating. He sulkily says thank you for explaining and then says, ‘but can you see how I might think you were dictating what I eat’. I say no I don’t, because it seems obvious to me that I’m saying oh no, you poor thing, the DC are being fussy again and you are going to be stuck with that boring sandwich.

He launches into another tirade about how awful I’ve been (I got a bit irritated with him twice in the last week - I think most people would have but that’s another thread) - called me arrogant. Said my irritation with him was as unacceptable. I asked him if he thought it was ok to speak to me how he was. He didn’t answer. Carried on his tirade until I just sat quiet for long enough. I had a bit of a cry.

Was I being unreasonable and should he say sorry for getting so angry and storming off? To be clear, I stayed calm, didn’t once shout and didn’t call him any names or have a go at him but also didn’t just apologise because he’d completely misunderstood me for some reason.

I’ve got another week of holiday left. I just want to go home but have to play happy families for DC.

Thank you. I needed that! X

He sounds awful how he kept going on but I really don't like supermarket sandwiches and would be annoyed if I ended up with the rubbish option by default, DC or not.

You told him that he had to have the sandwich rather than giving him the choose of food.
you used negative language when saying it which is automatically going to make it seem like he’s getting a raw deal.
you said it in a fussy kids kind of way but you didn’t choose a Sandwich for them that you would have been willing to eat yourself.
presumably if the sandwich was for the kids you picked up something else with him in mind that then he didn’t get to have. So you knew he would like that more. You deliberately set up a situation for you to have a lunch you’d like and him to get something a bit rubbish.

can you not see how it would come across and why he might be annoyed.

He sounds like hard work

I have to say, I'm the one that ends up being Mummy Dustbin, "hahabloodyha". But you know what, sometimes I want the nice bit of meat, not the scratty fatty bits, or the last biscuit, or the first choice of whatever. Most of the time I don't mind, if they are happy, I'm happy and I'm really not fussy. But if my husband bought something that was rubbish that neither he nor the children would eat, I'd be a bit cross. Just going from your posts, it kind of feels that you might have (maybe unconsciously) done it on purpose. He ends up with the rubbish shop bought sandwich whilst you and the kids get the nice fresh bread and hummous. Couldn't you have just bought more bread and hummous rather than something that really you knew your husband would be resigned to eating?

No. I bought a sandwich I was pretty confident one of DC would choose over hummus and bread and to be honest I thought DH would would want it too. There were no veggie sandwiches and I thought bread and hummus would be second choice for two family members. There was enough for us all to have the wonderment of hummus and bread, regardless of the sandwich situation. I’m not a horrible person despite what my DH would have the world believe.

How long have you been in counselling… and how likely is it to change? Do you think it’s worth exploring him leaving?? Kids witnessing this type of emotional abuse (door slamming etc) is considered abuse by them witnessing it. The reaction of your child hugging you means they were expecting a drama. That’s not right is it.

So if there was enough bread and houmous just tell him the options and let him choose for himself.
you did try and dictate what he ate so he was correct. You might have thought you were making a joke but it doesn’t sound like it came across that way

I Fucking hate it when men ruin holidays with shi tty moods. Leave him at home next time or go away on your own.

Sorry you are having a shit time. He was v unreasonable. While you did the shopping, where was he? By the pool? You did the best you could with very little choice. He didn't love it. Tough. Next time he can come with you or do the shopping himself.

OP was tasked with getting the food, there wasn't much choice so she came back with what she could find and apologetically offered her DH a sandwich that had been available. If he really didn't like what was on offer he could just have said "No thanks, I don't fancy that. I'll pop into the shop and see if there's anything else."

What do you mean by 'it's a pattern' op? I would be hacked off if dp said this to me and vice versa I think.

You’re not unreasonable and normally I’d think he wasn’t either - holidays as a family are high stress and can bring out the worst - but your wee one coming to give you a hug is telling ☹️ know that this isn’t about a sandwich and if you can when you’re home liberate yourself.

I asked him not to load single bottles of wine on top of other bagels in the boot as they would be liable to drop out and smash. He then piled them in with bags in the back seat. So I said ‘why have you done that?!’ - irritated. That prompted a long tirade about my evil nature.

He was lecturing one DC about some irrational belief - one that DH holds about something different - I said ‘but you think that about X, which is the same thing’. He got very angry and sulky and a long tirade followed.

That is the last two examples.

I think the relationship is over for both sides, arguing about something trivial like this must be exhausting, kids know it, you know it. Sorry op, hugs xx

So why would you not say

"Would you like this as well as some hummus?"

Not "this is shit, sorry you have to eat it?"

One shows some care for the other person's feelings, the other shows a complete disdain. Did you not discuss in the shop what he would like? It seems strange your at pains to mention that, despite the slim pickings you bought the bread and hummus for you because you are a vegetarian, the shop bought sandwich for your DC because that's what he had in his lunchbox, but presumably you did also as a group select something for DH?

Although When couples have stopped being nice to each other, the relationship is dead in the water anyway.

Well. In retrospect, a holiday may be wasn’t the right choice but I had a shit year last year and we haven’t had a holiday since before covid.

Big, and good, questions. Too hard to answer on this thread.

He WASNT an after thought. The meat sandwich was with one DC in mind who usually would go for it. I also didn’t think hummus and bread would be the better option. There were NO nice sandwich options. I was lucky to get what I did!

YABU

He was being over sensitive and he acted childish and it’s not fair on the kids.
But my DH telling me that I have to have the crap sandwich would really annoy me (even if he didn’t mean for it to sound that way).

He sulkily says thank you for explaining and then says, ‘but can you see how I might think you were dictating what I eat’. I say no I don’t, because it seems obvious to me that I’m saying oh no, you poor thing, the DC are being fussy again and you are going to be stuck with that boring sandwich.

This is where you’re being most U though.

You discussed it and he thanked you for explaining and allowing him to see it from your POV.
He asked that you gave him the same treatment and see it from his POV and you refused and carried on the argument.

Most people in that situation would have heard their partners POV and agreed that if they felt you were dictating what they can eat, then you understand why they’d be so upset.

He seems to be able to communicate better than you.

Obviously there are a lot of issues which is why such a minor thing has had such a big impact on you both.

Stop the couples counselling . Go on your own. He sounds like a pain in the arse.

I didn’t have a go at him over a sandwich?!

Exactly.

What is he, a fucking toddler?
Throwing a tantrum because he didn’t want a meat sandwich. Awful behaviour.

Sorry OP. This is the sort of thing that mine will sometimes fly off the handle about and just go off on one that's all out of proportion. Your story sounded like the kind of bizarre experience I've had a few times too. I have no idea what the matter with them is - he's normally perfectly normal.

Anyway no suggestions just solidarity

Same here, if we’d had a strip about a shit supermarket sandwich we would have told each other to get a grip and we would have been back to normal..

the fact your child hugged you is a telling tale.

Perhaps I wasn’t clear. HE carried it on. He said ‘thanks for explaining but…’ and a tirade ensued. The only thing I did to keep it going was not agree with his view that his anger was understandable. It was disproportionate and he interpreted what I was saying in a very negative way and on another say he’d have laughed along with me. Trouble is I never know when we will laugh together about this kind of thing and when it will trigger a tirade.