Or is DH? Stuck on holiday with him

[WITWHBIWAGT]

Bought lunch in a small supermarket today as per agreement. We are on holiday and needed quick food. I got a shop bought meat sandwich and some bread and hummus. It was slim pickings.

So, DC decided they didn’t want the shop sandwich and I’m vegetarian. So I said to DH, ‘I am afraid it’s the shop bought sandwich for you.’ I said it in a kind of resigned, ‘bloody fussy kids’ kind of way - I thought.

He got cross and asked why does he have to eat it? I said you don’t but DC don’t want it and I don’t eat meat. ‘So why aren’t I allowed bread and hummus?’ - me ‘I’m not saying you are aren’t, I’m just saying no one else will eat that sandwich’ - he continues ranting. I say, ‘it’s fine, we can just chuck the sandwich away’.

Anyway he goes on being cross and telling me how awful I’m being. I get a bit tearful. Oldest DC comes and hugs me. DH storms off and slams the door. Then a bit later comes angrily out and angrily eats the bloody sandwich. I try and make conversation but I’m feeling a bit upset.

DC then go off somewhere so I calmly explain that I wasn’t dictating he should have the sandwich, more was commiserating. He sulkily says thank you for explaining and then says, ‘but can you see how I might think you were dictating what I eat’. I say no I don’t, because it seems obvious to me that I’m saying oh no, you poor thing, the DC are being fussy again and you are going to be stuck with that boring sandwich.

He launches into another tirade about how awful I’ve been (I got a bit irritated with him twice in the last week - I think most people would have but that’s another thread) - called me arrogant. Said my irritation with him was as unacceptable. I asked him if he thought it was ok to speak to me how he was. He didn’t answer. Carried on his tirade until I just sat quiet for long enough. I had a bit of a cry.

Was I being unreasonable and should he say sorry for getting so angry and storming off? To be clear, I stayed calm, didn’t once shout and didn’t call him any names or have a go at him but also didn’t just apologise because he’d completely misunderstood me for some reason.

I’ve got another week of holiday left. I just want to go home but have to play happy families for DC.

Agreed and a bloody selfish prick too.
He needs to grow up.

It wasn’t about the sandwich. There are deeper issues in your marriage that you’re obviously both experiencing. Maybe try to have a good talk and try to understand each other’s perspective, then start couples therapy when you get back home.

She says they are already going to couples counselling

Why the hell would anyone bother with a marriage like this? I use that term loosely!

Yep, you've done it. You've won first prize in the Stupid Comment Competition. Well done!

Seriously, if this is your level of understanding, I don't think you should be allowed on the Internet without adult supervision.

Oh sorry I hadn’t read all your replies so I didn’t realize you are in counseling already. It sounds like you’re both in negative sentiment override - you can look it up. It’s from research by John and Julie Gottman. He’s also critical and you’re defensive (two of their four horsemen of the apocalypse). It’s hard to change and improve relationships when they get this bad, but it is possible if both people really want it. I’m not sure how long you’ve been in counseling-maybe you need more time or a different therapist. In the meantime, try to think about how much you really want this marriage to work and try to agree together not to argue like that again in front of your children. If you are reduced to tears, I’m imagining you feel really unseen and like nothing you try works. A good therapist should be able to help turn that around, but only if he commits to being disciplined with his side of things. Good luck!

My word, he sounds like an utter douchebag, and you sound like a lovely person. And a tired one. Can't be much of a marriage constantly walking on eggshells, practicing every sentence in your head in case it triggers poor DH and his little feelings. And if DC sees this, it's time to go. If he kicks off again on your trip, don't beg him to understand or reason with him, just tell him to piss off.

All in all-he sounds like a bully looking for a way out. Sorry OP but from your description this sounds like a relationship on its last legs. Don't let him put all the blame for that on you though. Wishing you well x

Fuck-ing hell. Yes! Yes! Yes, of course it’s disproportionate. Please remain certain of this, despite what the lunatics on here and your twat of a husband might tell you. You are 100% correct here. This is your husband, your one time love of your life we’re talking about, making you cry over sandwiches. Hell me and dh piss each other off all the time, and he eats anything, calls himself the dustbin and I would 100% joke about him having to eat the crap sandwich but I know, when push comes to shove, he’s mature enough to realise a frantic holiday lunch isn’t the time to make a stand on the issue and would eat the bloody thing.

Oh my goodness, it’s a sandwich… either eat it or go and get something else! Why would you make it a big deal

Manchild looking for a way out.

OP, I'm sorry about so many of the awful responses you've had here and the many people would benefit from literally reading any of your replies before wanging on about the fucking sandwich.

Your husband seems like a truly nasty person and you seem very smart, sensible and thoroughly exhausted. I'm glad you can see that you do not deserve this behaviour. Being a bit snippy or fed up is human nature and we all do it. But what your husband does is far beyond that and you know it, hence the posts here and your couples counselling.

Counselling won't work with people like your husband. He doesn't think he is wrong, ever, it seems. So why would he listen to a therapist? He doesn't want to change. Therapy isn't advised with abusive men anyway. They can use it against you.

I hope you are able to find peace away from this man. And fuck the ham sandwich and all those riding or dying for it in this damn thread.

I'd sack off the couples counselling and have counselling by yourself.

Yes, specifically focusing on self worth so she can leave his sorry ass

Because we are looking for your approval I think. I don't really get it myself. If it's something important I've said and sure it was heard. I'll just say, is that okay? If she wasn't listening then she would say sorry what? So I'll just repeat myself. No reason to get annoyed, we are both in a car hopefully one of us is busy driving whilst the other is either dealing with something on the phone or just relaxing starring at the surroundings. I do admit that whoever wasn't listened to would say 'doesn't even listen to, to busy on their phone' but it wad given as often as got. It was a running joke at the type of arguments people have for no real reason

@WITWHBIWAGT

Do you know American psychologist Jon Gottman and the “4 Horsemen of the apocalypse” in marriages? Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness & Stonewalling.
Might be useful to read it, will validate what you’re going through.

But I agree, sounds like classic narc I’m afraid.

Hope you get a few nice days on your holiday & can take yourself off for a bit X

To be honest, I’d say this is more about other issues in your relationship than a sandwich. It’s almost like the straw that broke the camels back kind of situation I think. Perhaps you need to reflect on what other things might be irritating you both in your relationship and thrash those out and clear the air. Hopefully it will make you both feel better. Best of luck.

Holidays can get fraught. When you think about it you're stuck together for 2 weeks and can't reasonably have time for yourself. We often had arguments on family holidays. The kids would bicker.Differences over food and where to go. I think most people have some small issues

This^
we always give DD first choice and then distribute what’s left between us. In your situation @WITWHBIWAGT I wouldn’t even say “sorry” or “I’m afraid” I would say to my DH: It’s for you then. He could throw it away in principle if he wasn’t so keen (calmly without tantrums) but realistically he would probably ask if there was enough hummus, then add some hummus to the sandwich and eat it. End of story.
So it’s not about sandwich at all.
I wondered a bit if your DH was very hungry. I’ve noticed that some people don’t tolerate hunger well. However your DH absolutely went way too far in his accusations and no hunger was an excuse for this.
It reminded me my sister’s first husband who always competed with their DC for her attention and couldn’t understand why she wasn’t focused just on him with DC being afterthought. So they are divorced now.

He’s being bloody childish .
its a sandwich 🥪 I’d eat it and say oh that’s a bit disappointing but never mind but that’s because I’m not ridiculous

I pity the children.

Why are you taking responsibiltiy for his feelings and reactions? He is a grown man.

IMO sounds like you have been trained by him to take on abuse and toxicity. The fact that your child had to give you a hug makes it clear the whole family is suffering from your husband.

It's about a bid for connection, as described by Gottman. Here's an interesting article about it https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/

It's easy to see it's not about the sandwich at all.

If OP had come on here with a reverse, people would be saying how dare he dictate what she eats, "is he always this controlling".... etc.
She would have been justified in losing it based on the 2 tiffs from him earlier in the week.
But as it's a man, how dare he!

OP, if your relationship is worth fighting for, do that but as others have said, having to be consoled by your kids is damaging to them.
You could have walked away, even if it's to go to the bathroom.

You're both wrong to argue & cry in front of the kids.
Again, it's not the sandwich.