To not let DS pull out of doing the 11-plus

[Porcuine20]

Feeling massively conflicted here and would welcome some perspective.
DS (just finished year 5) is bright, working at greater depth in everything, particularly keen on maths and science and at the moment wants to be an engineer when he grows up. Our catchment secondary isn’t great, behaviour issues, hardly any extra-curricular, below average GCSE results. We used to be in the catchment for another slightly better school but not any more since thousands of new houses were built. We’re in a county that has grammar schools and does the 11-plus, so suggested having a go to DS which he agreed to and he’s been doing tutoring, which he’s largely enjoyed and he’s made some great progress. His mock exam results have mostly been at a level where he would be in the running for a grammar school place. However, now it’s drawing near and we’re trying keep him working a bit over the summer (the tutors have a summer revision programme, as the exam is soon after school goes back in September), he is having a big wobble, saying he thinks he’ll fail, we’re ruining his life by making him work over the summer, he doesn’t want to do it any more and wants to just go to the local school.
AIBU to say he should still do it (and do these few weeks of revision)? I’m trying not to put too much pressure on, just lots of positive encouragement, we’re still doing fun days out and trips away. But we’ve all invested so much in it (including him with all the hours of tutoring and homework) it seems crazy not to at least try. I feel like if he pulled out and then his friends did it and got in (several are trying) he’d be gutted.. and I also really believe he’d enjoy the school and opportunities if he succeeded. But he is thoroughly miserable at the moment and I kind of feel like I’m steamrollering him into it… I don’t want to be ‘that’ mum but at the same time want the best for him. Anyone been in the same position, what did you do?

I would say he has to do it but doesn't need to do the holiday revision. What will be will be.

I would say he has to do it and needs to do a reasonable amount of holiday work. That might be an hr a day or it might be a whole morning twice a week. He can decide. But he is doing it.

If he fails, he'll have to go to the worse school. But that's an outcome that's inevitable if he doesn't even try the exam. Of course he should still do it!

I'd make him do it. It's such a good opportunity, it would be mad to waste it because he has to do a bit of homework over the summer.

Help him to break it down into manageable chunks. Reduce it if it's genuinely too much. Find ways to make it fun/more engaging if you can. Help him to work out a little reward for himself after he does each session. Talk to him about the bigger picture.

If he feels like this now about the work involved, is forced to take the exam, passes and hates grammar school, you're in for a long old horrible slog of a secondary school experience.

He's old enough to say what he wants and I think you should listen. You've said yourself he's bright, so he is bright enough to know he doesn't want to do this. And bright children will do well regardless. The question is whether or not you want to put all that pressure on him for the sake of a school place. I wouldn't.

(full disclosure ds1 wanted to sit the 11 plus, passed and got in. Ds2 said he wanted to sit the exam but in the August told me he'd changed his mind. I didn't make him sit the exam, for the reasons I've given you.)

Its a delicate age. I think kids this age need to feel listened to and like their opinions on their lives matter. They may be young, but they're not stupid, trust his judgement.

Ruining his life 🤣 why are kids so bloody melodramatic.
I’d be finding his motivation and probably resorting to bribery and threats of removing technology but that’s probably the worst idea 🙈

I am in a similar situation but my child is younger and we are starting preparing for 11+ after the summer holidays. It sounds like your son has a confidence wobble, absolutely he should at least try and sounds like he is on a good track. Try and build his confidence and as others said worst case promise rewards and bribery 😃😅. Good luck

If he's struggling this much with studying now, then he's really not going to cope with the pressure of a grammar school.

Are you in an entirely selective county or do you have comprehensives?

I’d def make him do it and come up with a decent treat / incentive for when it’s done regardless of result.

“And bright children will do well regardless.” I disagree here. I have a very bright child who is very sensitive and doesn’t like being disturbed. Being in a school with behavioural problems will impact her performance and concentration.

We were in this situation last year and eased up on the work over the summer - maybe an hour a week practice tests at most. Otherwise we did lots of reading and talking about words as well as word games, soduko etc. once he went back to school in September I think we had 3 weeks until the exam and we doubled up his tutor time plus practise every day. He passed.

@sunsetsandboardwalks "If he's struggling this much with studying now, then he's really not going to cope with the pressure of a grammar school"

Practising for the 11+ is the most boring thing in the world. Schoolwork isn't. Well, not as boring, anyway.

I’ve had 2 DC write and pass the 11+. I remember a few boys in my DS’s class sitting it even though the parents didn’t think they’d pass but they encouraged the boys to do it anyway as sort of a “first major exam experience.” So no pressure. Would that angle work for your DS?

We didn’t pay for tutoring, I did it myself with Bonds books with an emphasis on fun reading for vocab and getting lots of fresh air those summers. A lot of kids get so worked up because of their parents.

I’d back right off and say he doesn’t have to do the summer revision but you want him to do the test because he’s really clever and why close doors?
I always say to my dd that I don’t care what she ends up doing as long as she’s happy and healthy but I’d like her to keep as many options open as possible.

in fact I didn’t force her to do 11+ and she has ended up at an amazing comprehensive- if we had a choice of grammar or rubbish comp I’d have made a bigger attempt to get her to try the 11+

How much work is the summer revision? Maybe he does 50% of it as a compromise…

He's old enough to say what he wants and I think you should listen. You've said yourself he's bright, so he is bright enough to know he doesn't want to do this. And bright children will do well regardless

Nope. He’s 10. You make the right choice for him. That’s parenting.

He lives in a grammar school area. The other schools won’t be comps. The brighter DC are going to be at grammar schools. That’s where he should be.

Having had 1 kid at a grammar school and one at a none grammar school, I can tell you that the grammar school had by far the worst behaviour!

He's actually enjoyed having the extra tutoring 🙀Sounds like he'd be a great fit for grammar school. Some pre-test nerves and objection to the summer revision is all very normal, but you'd be mad to pull out now after all the hard work and money put in. Kids can really turn on the guilt and pull on the heart strings (without realising what they're doing, of course), but there's only a few months to go.

Talk to him. ask him what he means and why he's saying that. Calm him down, tell him why you want him to continue, tell him it'll be worth it. Ask him if maybe he had a break from studying for and week or 2, would that help. Then you can both go back to it with a vengeance.

My concern would be more that he's unlikely to thrive (or enjoy) a grammar environment if he's not prepared to put in even a few hours of studying a week over the summer holidays now.

Yes, revision can be dull as ditchwater but it's not going to stop once he passes the 11+ - it's only going to get harder and more intense, so I guess the question is - will he adapt and thrive, or struggle and flounder?

Can you compromise? He sits the test but does not do extra revision over summer. Summer holidays are so short already, I wouldn't be insisting my kid does extra work when she only has a few weeks to chill.

Nope. You can’t trust a child’s judgement on that one, because they don’t have the life experience. They don’t know what it’s like to be in a class where the other kids behaviour is so bad that you can’t learn. They don’t understand the importance of GCSEs etc in getting a job because to them a job is so far away it might be in another lifetime.

Ease up on the practise if you need to, offer a ginormous carrot if there’s something he wants (not dependent on passing the test, just doing the work and doing his best). But insist he does it, because you know how important it is.

Our son had that kind of "wobble" during the Summer holidays. We'd given him an English Comprehension and he, basically, flunked it big time. He was a whizz with Maths, but weaker at English! We got all the tears and tantrums, he didn't want to do it, didn't want to waste his Summer, etc.

We just pulled back for a couple of days, let him calm down, and then once he'd slept on it for a few days, we broached the subject again, and he had virtually forgotten and was ready to go again. We just never mentioned that particular comprehension again, so never went over it with him to explore what had gone wrong.

We gave him another comprehension the following week and he was fine with it. Went on to pass the 11+ and have 7 very good years at the grammar, both in terms of exam results and general happiness.

I agree with @sunsetsandboardwalks.

This. 3 weeks for a child of that age is abundantly enough time to get back up to speed.
I'd say no holiday revision but it will pick up when school starts.