To find it really, really hard how much screen my teen wants

[Guthealth]

13, nearly 14, year old DS wants to get up, watch some TV/do some games. I then, by giving up my time and work manage to cajole him to do stuff - we've taken day trips, done sports, he's seen friends etc - but the moment he's back, he wants to hop onto his game device again. Then, we get him off, encourage him to do other things - read books, write, go to the park with friends, we've just started doing jigsaws as a family, and we never have any devices at dinner and we always eat together - but then he wants to round off EVERY evening by sitting in front of the TV and watching an hour or two of his favourite show. Often DH sits with him.

I realise writing it down it sounds like balance, but it's really really hard work achieving that and it's often not that balanced IMO. There are a lot of hours in a holiday day and I feel depressed by his draw to the screen. I know he's not alone.

But I don't know what else I can do. We already control his gaming time - 2.5/3 hours a day in the holiday (which apparently is waaaaaay lower than all his mates). I have a time limit on his phone. He never takes it into his room.

I just feel like I'm mega controlling and I hate that - but he is simply unable to self-regulate.

I also get its his holiday and this is the world he's in.

Sorry, I don't even know what the question is. I'm just venting as I already bore the hell out of DH with this stuff (who's on my page, just a bit more relaxed than me)

He’s nearly 14. He’s trying to detach from his parents.

Mine was on games all the times in the holidays. He was playing his mates. At least l knew where he was.

He still evolved into a fully functioning adult and member of society.

I think for everyone's sanity you need to chill out a bit!
Is it really so terrible that he wants to finish his day with a few hours of his favourite show? What would you rather he do, a jigsaw? I can't think of anything more boring and I'm a fully functioning adult!
As long as they are getting plenty of fresh air and doing a hobby/sport I think you need to let go somewhat, at 14 most kids want to be using their tech.
It is a battle of your own making.

I think that sounds fairly good, tbh. You can control when the internet is off if you’re worried, e.g. about all-night gaming. But I mostly think you can relax a bit.

I think Mumsnet has led parents to believe that 'screens' are basically akin to allowing your child to do crystal meth in the living room during breakfast. They're really not. Your child is 14, not 5.

Gaming is a pretty normal and perfectly valid hobby for a teenager and honestly, unless he's spending all night gaming neglecting everything else in his life, he's absolutely fine to spend his leisure time playing games and chatting to his mates.

Watching a couple of hours of TV in the evening is completely bloody normal! It's what most people do with their evenings, frankly. Most of us who grew up in the 80s and 90s did very little else.

Well, he actually loves doing a jigsaw for a bit. I'm sorry that doesn't meet your standards as a fully fledged adult. Each to their own. We would probably find you quite boring - and definitely rude.

He's actually not gaming with mates at the moment. Hes on a game that they're not playing.

But I agree that I'm being uptight and I need to chill. I find it really hard around this topic

I know what you mean its really hard to get a balance isn't it ? Mine is the same. Once they get to this age they just don't play in the same way ..be it sports or family games etc. Think you have a pretty good balance just stick to that. I try to take mine out for a treat so they have some one to one time with me and they chat a bit more. They are pulling away from us and this is totally normal. But at the same time you have to have some limits and expectations. It's hard !

Is there a reason you find this topic particularly hard, though? It sounds like you're really anxious about it, more so than most parents of teenagers I think. Ultimately, your son is a teenager, and at this point he probably ought to be able to choose to spend his leisure time doing what he enjoys. I don't think you can really expect a teenager to spend their days doing family jigsaws and so on forever. It's pretty normal to relax with a TV show in the evenings and to play games. Gaming isn't a passive activity at all, and actually neither is most TV - unless he's watching eight hours of Love Island, when he's watching TV he's engaging with a story, or laughing, or learning.

Were your parents very anti tv when you were a child?

Stop being so hard on yourself OP. It sounds like your son has a better balance than a lot of 13/14 years olds.

That's much less screen time than my DS of the same age is getting!

If he's seeing friends, doing sports, eating, washing and maintaining a good-humoured relationship with you and the rest of the family, I don't think you should worry

Can we please park the comments on family jigsaws? It's one of the many things we do actually enjoy - not often, but in holidays for a little bit a day. We also host a lot of friends/gatherings, do a lot of stuff e.g. treats, amusement parks, holidays. We like jigsaws. It's pretty soothing and for us - fun. Thank you.

He’s nearly 14- leave him alone !
he’s not doing anything unusual for this day and age . Yes you do sound controlling - he’s not a toddler ! Let him make his own choices on how to spend his down time !

I do find it so strange that I come on here, I totally admit to finding this topic difficult, that I'm being controlling etc - and yet some of the comments are so scolding, almost sneery, as if I'm not aware.

It's really annoying and it makes me hate Mumsnet.

Thank you for your pleasant tone.

Thank you

What we see: teens being zombies in front of a screen and not moving for hours.

What my 14yo does: chats to mates, watches shows, writes coding, plays games, discusses games, does homework, reads about new games or games strategies...and other things I look blankly at him when he explains 😂

I don't think it's as bad as we initially think. It's perfectly acceptable for an adult to spend their evening in front of a quiz show, then a couple of soaps, then a drama - on a screen for four hours...

Carry on op. I think you have the right balance there.
There's nothing wrong with watching tv but too much gaming can be a problem.
Get him into good habits now as it's harder when they're 16 and gaming instead of studying for their GCSEs.

Honestly I have the same worry about my 13 year old. I don't limit screen time when he's at home just can't go on until after lunch and still has to do his chores etc. He goes out a couple of times a week to meet his mates and then does something with me on a weekend. Playing online games is how he socializes so I'm not as rigid in the summer hols.

I think you need to get tech savvy and let the tech do the work for you. Rather than feeling like a nag just set up access so he physically cannot use these things at certain times of day.

Nothing wrong with jigsaws. We occasionally have one on the go, and all of us dip in and out of doing a few pieces when we're in the mood. With screens, I think that not all screen time is equal. We tend to have family screens in the evenings, where we all watch something together, or me and the kids will watch a show we like - I see this as family time where we spend time and laugh together about what we're watching. If your son is watching a show in the evenings with his dad, I'd probably let that go. It seems like he's doing lots of other things during the day so I wouldn't be too worried.

You sound like you’re doing an amazing job OP. What a lucky lad that you’re working so hard to engage him and keep him family facing. Bloody love a jigsaw. Even if he’s spending too long on it at least you’re there putting some restrictions in place. Teenagers are absolutely obsessed with their phones/gaming and so often there is no effort to try to get them back into the real world. I’m a teacher and have kids telling me they spend 11/12 hours a day on a screen at the weekend. It’s horrifying.

Nothing wrong with jigsaws or getting him to play a board game as a family but aside from that I’d just let him start to organise himself a bit more unless you have concerns around screens and his behaviour .

It sounds like he's got a really full life. In the holidays we remove screen restrictions almost fully and our DC self regulate. They generally get a good balance. Is it worth attempting a more relaxed approach and see if he self regulates?

It’s 2024. What teen is going to sit and do a puzzle.

Stop treating games like the devil. They require skills and decision making. They’re social. They’re fun. They’re even recommending them to older people to keep the brain active.