To find it really, really hard how much screen my teen wants

[Guthealth]

13, nearly 14, year old DS wants to get up, watch some TV/do some games. I then, by giving up my time and work manage to cajole him to do stuff - we've taken day trips, done sports, he's seen friends etc - but the moment he's back, he wants to hop onto his game device again. Then, we get him off, encourage him to do other things - read books, write, go to the park with friends, we've just started doing jigsaws as a family, and we never have any devices at dinner and we always eat together - but then he wants to round off EVERY evening by sitting in front of the TV and watching an hour or two of his favourite show. Often DH sits with him.

I realise writing it down it sounds like balance, but it's really really hard work achieving that and it's often not that balanced IMO. There are a lot of hours in a holiday day and I feel depressed by his draw to the screen. I know he's not alone.

But I don't know what else I can do. We already control his gaming time - 2.5/3 hours a day in the holiday (which apparently is waaaaaay lower than all his mates). I have a time limit on his phone. He never takes it into his room.

I just feel like I'm mega controlling and I hate that - but he is simply unable to self-regulate.

I also get its his holiday and this is the world he's in.

Sorry, I don't even know what the question is. I'm just venting as I already bore the hell out of DH with this stuff (who's on my page, just a bit more relaxed than me)

I have given up the screen argument with DS16, it caused immeasurable conflict and drama and had more of a negative impact on our family life than the issue in the first place. To be honest I'm delighted to see him occasionally gaming chatting to friends rather than on tik tok. The issue I have is walking around the house watching tik tok and not engaging, or eating while watching a phone. I choose my battles and they are the only basic rules. He is very outdoors and active so it's not a huge concern.

Younger DS 11 could watch screens all day, moving from tablet to switch etc. I have now blocked YouTube during the week on all devices. I don't mind gaming especially ones where you play with friends. We do have daily screen limits but they are 2 hours week days and often more at weekends, I feel it's too liberal but the alternative is constant stress. He also needs more time than other as he is ND and needs to regulate after school.

I admit I have told DC that I won't count watching live TV as screentime, ridiculous I know but I'm hoping they might accidentally educate themselves by watching something quality for once.

I get it OP. I have a teen the same age and I don’t like him being sat glued to a screen for huge chunks of time, Mine doesn’t like jigsaws these does but he does like board games and also the escape room type games you can get which are good to do as a family.

It sounds like your son has a nice balance of activities so I think it’s just a case of relaxing as he gets older.

OP, plenty will tell you on here you’re wildly unreasonable and every teen can and should have all the screen time they need as part of healthy emotional maturation.

But there’s a reason Silicon Valley CEOs don’t let their teens have smartphones - they’re designed to be addictive, and these guys know exactly how much they alter - even hinder - brain development. They aren’t good for any of us, but young people with plastic brains have a far greater risk of longterm issues from heavy screen use than older people.

On top of that, gaming and phone screens are totally different to watching TV/reading/whatever other “equivalent” someone wants to present as comparable. They use different parts of the brain and watching even the most emotional images on a TV screen don’t have the same developmental implications as the same things on social media or computer games.

YANBU, OP. I hate that parents are put in this position now where something we’ll look back on as hugely damaging to children is forcibly normalised by tech companies, and embraced by people who can’t be bothered to parent.

Ignore the rude posters here. I have a teen and often feel similar. Each day we do some constructive things like doing a bit of learning, also jigsaws, walks and board games. He does have a few hours gaming with friends, but I am being fairly lenient because it gives him safe interaction with friends (better than traipsing around town) and I have made it clear that the reason he is allowed to play a lot now is that when term starts he will have more homework and so no gaming in the week. We do watch TV in the evenings but that is nice family time. I think that you are doing a good job of providing balance and that is ok.

I admit I have told DC that I won't count watching live TV as screentime, ridiculous I know but I'm hoping they might accidentally educate themselves by watching something quality for once.

I'm the same. It seems mad when my parents were always telling me to switch off the TV in the 80s! But at least with our telly, it feels different from the PC because it's in the front room so it gets them out of their rooms; it's a sociable activity (sometimes); it's a talking point; and as you say, it teaches them a little about the world. I'm not against gaming per se, but the insularity of it worries me sometimes.

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time tbh, I can understand where you're coming from as it feel like without input from me my 3 would be on a screen all the time and a screen is the default option when they are bored. None of them read books any more which makes me sad.

When I think about it though they actually do a lot, it's just I am so used to thinking about my own childhoods I assume it is wrong to have more than 30 mins watching TV a day as that is what I had. In reality, its fine to have chill days, some days they watch more and some less.

I also love a jigsaw and we have family lego which we all chip in at completing, we just don't sit down and have it as an activity anymore.

Nowt wrong with a jigsaw! DS rolled in from the pub a couple of weeks ago with a mate and I came down to check on the dog (who had just had an op) and the two of them were sitting at the dining room table drinking buds and doing the jigsaw that I'd left on the dining room table. 🤣

I also used to worry about his screen time, but the older he gets, the more he manages his time better IMO.

i totally get you. I was lucky that DS got into sports around this age. It wasn;t anything I did. He just fell intos sports. He's now 20 and has just bought himself a Nintendo, but hopefully he will be smart enough to regulate his use. I am not that sure 14 year olds can, and I would struggle with it.

I've only read the OP but you sound like you are doing a fantastic job. Keep doing what you are doing. I know it's hard.

Does he do anything other than play games on his computer? I ask because mine was/is a computer buff and he programmed from an early age. He wrote programmes for school and even won a prize. That was many years ago. Now, in addition to programming and website design, making videos plus other things, he plays chess and poker online.

I don't think watching TV programmes for a couple of hours in the evening is at all unusual, most of us do that and some for longer. There is often some good and interesting stuff on TV (sometimes not, I find Saturday evening television quite banal).

You do other things with your boy, it's not all screen. Don't worry, he is still growing up and I'm sure he will be fine.

What are his other hobbies or interests that don't involve screens?

The easiest way to naturally limit screen time is to keep them busy doing other things, whether thats playing sport, a part time job, practising hobbies like dance/drama/music, creative/art hobbies like drawing or sewing or woodworking. In person socialising with friends that isn't via a game.

Proper board games are a good alternative activity.

Can you help him identify a summer exercise goal, or offer pocket money for jobs around the house to keep him busy & off screens?

I know what you mean. My Ds used to have a lot of screen time and it was clearly messing with his head. We have stopped gaming now and just watch BBC stuff (and MN!).

People seem so anti tv these days. When I was growing up 30 years ago we all started our days with 'Live and Kicking' Nickelodeon etc.
Went out for the day then came home and had movie marathons in the evening during the holidays.
I didn't have gaming consoles but lots of my friends did and we all spent loads of time on them. I don't remember any of our parents having any issues or trying to limit time.
We have all grown into well rounded adults and many with our own businesses and well paid jobs.
Honestly, I would relax about it.

I get you OP - you are working hard to keep his life balanced. I have been working all week and ASD DD12 has been on screens most of the day and not left the house. It's not games - her obsession is Sonic the Hedgehog so reading fan stuff and watching videos. Once I finish work today I have a similar challenge to you - to get her to have a more balanced daily life. If I can get her outside every day, I will be happy. It will be hard work for me, a difficult aspect of parenting!

I agree with your unease. Mine are younger and a bit less screen time than your son (but not much less, so probably more relative to their ages). What I hate is that it's a constant battle to keep it down to the current level, which basically seems huge to me. (I was a child, admittedly, who only watched TV about once a week.) What I hate most of all is the beginning of the assumption that being on a screen is the default mode, the only true form of relaxation, etc.

On the other hand, I'm not sure that DH and I model great behaviour. We are trying to use our phones less, but it's still a lot of email checking during holiday day times, WhatsApp,searching for things online etc.

One other thought: how much pocket money does he get? And do you give him extra in the holidays for trips out?

My parents (early 90s) were very generous on both accounts and so I was able to go out and see a film with a friend, have an ice cream in a cafe, go into London and mooch about the shops etc. I was also allowed to buy a book a week during the summer holidays and would spend time at the bookshop choosing one, then reading it! (Also a certain amount of time at the public library, but it wasn't very good.)

Don't know your financial situation but would he go out a lot more and be on screens less if he had more to spend? 14 is a bit young for a job but it's not impossible if you have nice neighbours who want babysitting or gardening.

Completely agree with this.

Allowing young developing brains unrestricted access to screens and all that short attention span content is a massive experiment and we don’t know the full consequences yet.

What we do know is that we have a huge problem with teenage MH and behaviour in senior schools. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.

I think a lot of the PP are trying to justify their own decision to give up the battle because it’s too stressful.

If you haven’t already, watch The Social Dilemma.

It honestly sounds like you’re doing well. Screens are so addictive and it’s really hard for teens to self regulate. It’s not easy for you to constantly hold the boundary but you’re doing him a world of good by doing so, and the more he practices (at your insistence) the more balanced he will be about them.

I've got an autistic teen of the same age plus slightly younger sibling.

I try to balance quality and quantity. DS2 naturally watches more mind-bending crap, but is easier to get out for exercise and will happily go out for bike rides etc.

DS1 watches more quality. The internet gives him the material to feed his in-depth special interests that are hard to access in other ways. He's dyslexic so reading is not a relaxing, pleasurable way to get information (ditto DS2), and the detail he thrives on is rarely avaliable in the bite-size visual form that he enjoyed when he was young. He regulates by playing creatively/ strategically and immersing himself in special interests. He's not interested in RL socialising. He's got a long distance friend (who moved) that he games with online and his sibling, and that fills his social need.

I view it as what is he not doing by being on screens being the bigger issue than the screens themselves. The majority of days, I aim to get him out for some fresh air and movement. He still has a couple of sports activities in the evening so I pace around those. At school he is one of the fittest in his PE class.

The reality is that he's in the awkward gap between childhood and adulthood, mine more awkward than average. He's got the growing out of most physical play, but is delayed on independence and doesn't have usual levels of social motivation to fill the gap. He works hard at school that costs him a lot of mental energy that needs recovery. He still does some sports and I try to make sure that all bases are covered, but trying to keep screen time to a minimum out of principle is unrealistic for us. He can't just sign up to a gym and fill time there, and other interesting places to get out and burn energy like trampoline parks get pricey. A picnic and playground doesn't tend to cut it any more!

Capping screen time to sensible social hours is important, as is making sure they have a variety of mental and physical experiences, but I wouldn't be stressing over a young teen defaulting to screens as relaxation time for multiple hours per day. Don't sweat it too hard.

It is bloody hard work trying to find the balance.

At the moment it sounds like you need to let go a little, for example the watching TV in the evening doesn’t sound problematic, especially as your DH is also watching. Maybe you could ease back on the control of this a bit?

I think you are doing all the right things with getting him off the gaming for a bit every day but you have to also find a way to let him learn to self regulate. I don’t know how you do that though, I had lots of battles with mine about it!

BTW - I like the family jigsaw idea 😀

The only way he can socialise with his friends is gaming if that's all his friends are doing and a couple of hours of TV before bed isn't that bad.
Tbh most 13/14 year olds wouldn't be seen dead doing a family jigsaw - so chill out a bit

I'm going to go against the grain and say "keep up the fight". Recommend Jonathan Haight's "Anxious Generation". It talks particularly about smartphone use on adolescent brains, but also has a large section on "opportunity cost" which you touch on in your OP. Time on mobiles, games consoles and TV means they aren't out with friends 'practicing' being adults and having formative experiences that they need to become successful adults.

My DC are younger than your son, and have a tablet, watch loads of TV and films etc, but I do limit both. The tablets turn off after their set time that day, and with the exception of the first day or two of schools hols when they are extremely tired, or when we are travelling, I switch things off (including the WiFi if necessary) and give them chores, send them on an outing, get a friend to come round, etc.

I know it's a struggle but my point is you are fighting the good fight! Sounds like you've got the balance right OP.

I find it insane that people think “leave him alone he’s 14” is acceptable parenting. it is actually concerning.

the addiction to the internet and screen time is proven to be linked to anxiety and depression, but you know what ignore active parenting and “leave him alone”

you’re probably a little bit uptight with the stress it is causing you, but when he’s older he will be thankful he didn’t have a childhood which was glue to tablets and computer skills and probably will have higher emotional intelligence and communication skills (as non of these kids seem to communicate effectively outside of the tablets and screens)

just set the 2.5 hour rule a day, keep the controller and remotes in a place where he has to ask for them and return them, then he won’t be tempted and will have to find something else to do.

Whyis having a different opinion rude?

I think you’re doing a really great job. I’m a teacher and have taught young kids to adults: you can tell the difference between kids who’ve had unlimited screen time and those who haven’t. He won’t thank you now, but when he’s older , he will .