To find it really, really hard how much screen my teen wants

[Guthealth]

13, nearly 14, year old DS wants to get up, watch some TV/do some games. I then, by giving up my time and work manage to cajole him to do stuff - we've taken day trips, done sports, he's seen friends etc - but the moment he's back, he wants to hop onto his game device again. Then, we get him off, encourage him to do other things - read books, write, go to the park with friends, we've just started doing jigsaws as a family, and we never have any devices at dinner and we always eat together - but then he wants to round off EVERY evening by sitting in front of the TV and watching an hour or two of his favourite show. Often DH sits with him.

I realise writing it down it sounds like balance, but it's really really hard work achieving that and it's often not that balanced IMO. There are a lot of hours in a holiday day and I feel depressed by his draw to the screen. I know he's not alone.

But I don't know what else I can do. We already control his gaming time - 2.5/3 hours a day in the holiday (which apparently is waaaaaay lower than all his mates). I have a time limit on his phone. He never takes it into his room.

I just feel like I'm mega controlling and I hate that - but he is simply unable to self-regulate.

I also get its his holiday and this is the world he's in.

Sorry, I don't even know what the question is. I'm just venting as I already bore the hell out of DH with this stuff (who's on my page, just a bit more relaxed than me)

Do you need everyone to agree with you op? That’s the very definition of controlling.

Des he have friends he could meet up with?

They could go to the local leisure centre/lido for a swim, take their bikes/skateboards to a skatepark, go to the cinema?

do a search for local youth centres that offer school holiday meets up so he can hang around with people his own age.

Oh God, I lost the gaming battle years ago! DS1 used to be obsessed with Five Nights at Freddy's, Bendy and the Ink Machine, Fortnite, Minecraft. I was so stressed trying to negotiate with him and just stopped. He is now 16 and only games occasionally. He might become obsessed with a game now and then for a week or two, but mostly he just wants to be out with his mates. He detached himself from gaming in his own time. I still can't believe it to be honest!

I hear you OP. My two are 13 and 15 and I hate the amount of time they are phones and tablets. I’m even finding myself suggesting they watch telly as it seems less “intense” than huddling over a phone.

If it gives you any consolation though DS is talking about selling his xBox 🤯 as he doesn’t use it anymore. There was one point in our lives when I thought it would have to be surgically removed from him.

But I do understand- and everyone here will tell you you’re being controlling but screens are so unbelievably addictive and no-one will ever convince me they are not damaging to us all. I am sure ADHD traits have rocketed massively since the advent of short form content.

So, in short, no advice, but I totally understand.

Sounds like you are doing really well OP, just keep doing what you are doing!

And I completely get family jigsaws, never thought of doing this, sounds very relaxing and fun.

Don’t be an arse @Screamingabdabz

I think others have covered lots on perspectives on screen time, so I just wanted to jump in on the side of being pro-jigsaw. They're great!! I put on a podcast, video or music and work away at a jigsaw on my dining room table whenever I get chance. It is so satisfying and soothing. Obviously it's not high-octane thrills, but it's lovely for a kind of brain massage. You can sort of switch off and think at the same time. I don't see why people have to try and make themselves sound too cool for school and sneer about it.

I think that sounds like a really good balance, tbh. It’s pretty similar to my teens.

You’re still treating him a bit like he’s 11-12, just out of primary, not 13 nearly 14, heading towards greater independence and self-regulation. He won’t learn self-regulation if he doesn’t get the chance to practice it, and failing to regulate (like failing at any skill) is part of the learning curve.

I’d particularly not worry about the evening TV. We watch something most nights as a family - maybe you should join your DH with DS in the evenings and get into a drama series together?

OP, do you REALLY realise it's the world he's in now? It sounds like you're just paying lip service to that idea.
People have jobs that necessitate 8-10h of computer time a day.
I don't relish a computerised world (as it's not my thing) but I'm slightly envious of people who feel like fish in water there.

I didn't game but my twin brother did - in those days when one had to go to Internet cafes to play with others. At 13 and 14 he'd go missing for the night and not come home until he turned up red-eyed at the school the next morning. Our DM nearly lost her sanity and we were convinced he must be on drugs.
And yet, it did no lasting harm. He's like a computer machine himself now, his speed is astounding, he still games occasionally on an evening and he is a manufacturing director in a large tech company.
I was the studious one, non-gamer and the one who kept company to my grandparents during nightly card games. I don't have a glorious career, haven't owned a TV for 22 years and still single-finger poke type...
Shoulda' gamed more 😂

He'll be alright!!

Do you not watch much TV or use digital stuff to relax - social media etc? How do you spend your free time if you have a choice? If you don’t value screen-based leisure activities yourself it’s not hard to understand why it worries you - but inherently there’s no moral superiority over reading Vs gaming, for example, if someone doesn’t do one to the total exclusion of the other. And your DS sounds like he does and enjoys other things plenty.

This - except my son at 20 has no job, no work experience, has dropped out of education, has massive anxiety, barely leaves his room & is in no way a fully functioning adult in society.

But most of his friends are fine, have jobs, at uni, have girlfriends & they still spend a lot of time online.

My son is like me, feels different & finds the world hard to navigate. But 40 yrs ago I couldn't hide out online (though I could escape in books to a certain extent). I had to learn how to cope & live & work & support myself.

So I suppose I am saying it depends on the kid.

But this sounds like undiagnosed ND.

I actually find that restricting screens per day has the opposite effect of what I'm going for and just means that gaming is this special time-limited activity. it seems to feed an obsession! I tend to let DS bore himself to tears for a day or two gaming/screens and then he finds he feels listless and bored and I can sympathise and make a few suggestions and then he's really up for getting out and about. I also found at the start of the holidays he was exhausted and needed a couple of days doing nothing and catching up on rest.

I think it depends on the DC's personality though whether they'd get to that bored state and want to do something different. I do feel for you OP as all we hear about is how terrible screens are so it is very normal to feel anxious about DC's use and shows you're a good parent.

Yeah my ds now 30 works from home.

He had 2 screens. One for work and one for games with his mates who also work from home.

He’s got the life of riley.

OP, just let it go, honestly, the only person you're working up about this is yourself (and maybe those around you )

We have a lot of screen time here, more than I'd like sometimes, but WFH & childcare combo means that sometimes it just is what it is. I do find that it really helps DS knowledge of the world around him, the things that he knows about current affairs and just what's going on generally is truly impressive.

It sounds like you're doing your best to try to maintain a good balance, and that's just fine.

Christ alive.

There's nothing wrong with the jigsaws. I like jigsaws myself, ffs. People are just saying that it's not something you can really expect a teenager to want to do with his parents all the time. Your son isn't a little boy any more.

You've asked for advice and you've got plenty of it, most of it coming from a good place and aimed at helping you to chill out about something that seems to be causing you disproportionate anxiety and stress, when it really doesn't need to. I asked why the 'screens' thing bothers you so much because you genuinely do seem really panicked about it, and it's a shame to be over-stressed like that about something that's pretty normal, that's all. People are wanting you to relax and be less anxious/stressed, that's all.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow
Yes - I don't disagree. I'm not blaming computer games. He's made a lot of good friends through it. His friends are able to self regulate now they are adults. DS isn't. I wish we had set more limits.

Honestly you’re being ridiculous. A lot of the gaming or on his phone is part of socialising as an only child. And what’s wrong with him wanting to sit and watch a show on tv in the evening with his dad?

Im not saying unlimited screen time all the time is the way to go but your expectations seem way off.

If you hate it on here, why ask?

I completely understand OP. The problem is it’s so normalised now that kids and teens spend hours a day on screens that you feel like the weird one when you feel uncomfortable about it. But there’s loads of research showing the negative effects of screen time on developing brains. The screen time solution is a good read- I don’t think there are any easy solutions to be honest, but it does at least make you feel better that you’re not alone in worrying about it, and that’s it’s a relatively new and very real struggle that parents today face, trying to get that balance right.

I do think it sounds like your DS has less screen time than many, but equally completely relate to that feeling that any second they’re not actively engaged in something or entertained in some way- they want a screen. Mine are younger than yours but we have screen free days-and yes they sometimes complain they are bored, but generally find something to occupy themselves after a while. I think it’s good for them to be bored sometimes. Sorry so massive help (and I know I’ll struggle a lot more when they’re older) but sending solidarity!

DD1 was like that around that age, literally wouldn’t do anything else unless forced to. I used to make her go for bike rides and say “It’s for the good of your health!” which made me sound exactly like my grandma! She still loves gaming now at 18 but has grown out of wanting to be on screens 24/7.

Don’t worry too much as long as he’s doing some kind of physical activity and has friends from real life, even if he mostly chats to them online. I think the worrying thing is if they get involved with dodgy forums and spend all their time communicating with incels or something.

Is this really ‘the life of Riley’? Each to their own I suppose but Christ that sounds bleak.

He’s as happy as a pig in muck.

Loads of friends who he sees all the time. He’s Mr Sociable. Despite screens.

And as he as loads of friends who do the same thing it must be something they enjoy.

Why do you think that is? What, specifically, bothers you about it so much?

".. I feel depressed by his draw to the screen. ""

I would focus on why you feel this way - what's going on there for you? Was your upbringing a particular way and you want to match that? Or perhaps the opposite and you want more for him?

I wonder if it's because you're feeling exhausted from battling with him over it? I wonder if he's annoyed with you because this is how his friends socialise because they talk about gaming when together?

I don't know any of the above, but this seems more about your feelings than his.