To find it really, really hard how much screen my teen wants

[Guthealth]

13, nearly 14, year old DS wants to get up, watch some TV/do some games. I then, by giving up my time and work manage to cajole him to do stuff - we've taken day trips, done sports, he's seen friends etc - but the moment he's back, he wants to hop onto his game device again. Then, we get him off, encourage him to do other things - read books, write, go to the park with friends, we've just started doing jigsaws as a family, and we never have any devices at dinner and we always eat together - but then he wants to round off EVERY evening by sitting in front of the TV and watching an hour or two of his favourite show. Often DH sits with him.

I realise writing it down it sounds like balance, but it's really really hard work achieving that and it's often not that balanced IMO. There are a lot of hours in a holiday day and I feel depressed by his draw to the screen. I know he's not alone.

But I don't know what else I can do. We already control his gaming time - 2.5/3 hours a day in the holiday (which apparently is waaaaaay lower than all his mates). I have a time limit on his phone. He never takes it into his room.

I just feel like I'm mega controlling and I hate that - but he is simply unable to self-regulate.

I also get its his holiday and this is the world he's in.

Sorry, I don't even know what the question is. I'm just venting as I already bore the hell out of DH with this stuff (who's on my page, just a bit more relaxed than me)

Sure, always happy to hear opinions. But presented with some respect for others' choices

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I know it's a contentious issue. I don't know what the answer is, but I guess I'll keep striving to try and ensure balance. I need to loosen up a bit, for sure, but I won't be letting DC have unlimited screen. That's definite.

I have 3 teens, well, one now 20s, so just out of teens. Its tough parenting teens, because they now come with free will and opinions. You can encourage, but ultimately i think you need to take that step back. All 3 of mine are gamers. One is also incredibly outdoorsy and will be on his BMX/scooter/skateboard daily and games in the eve with his friends to relax. I wont see him when its daylight generally, hes out and about trying to pull off a new stunt for a new video, edits and uploads the videos too. He travels to all different places to go to new skateparks and meet people he has seen on SM. Another is 100% gamer focussed, he runs a server for one game with 100s of users, runs a large online group for another planning activities and sponsored events, they do day 1 of release events on games and compete to get ingame achievements and world firsts. He manages and leads groups of adults to a shared goal. He mediates disagreements within the group of 40+ people to achieve the shared goal. The third is more balanced with socialising and tech, will go out with mates most days, enjoys hiking and camping, reads so much i fear she will run out of books before she finishes school, draws at a level that blows my mind, atleast 3 hours a day is fully dedicated to revision already a year before exams as her goal is all 9's but is also heavily involved in a game that streams and gets 5000+ viewers on a regular basis, interacting with people and teaching how to do things in the game and now feels somewhat pressured to continue the teaching esp to girls in gaming.

All 3 are enjoying their summers the way they want, but along the way are using technology to develop skills that can be transferred in life depending on what path they want to take. Do i wish the first would spend some more time with us? Yes. Do i worry the second is spending way too much time online? Yes. Do i worry the third is going to burn out as theres always 3 things on the go and putting so much pressure to get grades and help others online. Yep.

But they have to make their own choices. And we have to let them.

We held out with Smartphones until our dds were thirteen nearly fourteen, (and this was a while back) for all of the reasons you state but after that when their friends become very important to them, I suggest it becomes quite hard because you risk making dc social outcasts and sm almost more enticing if you ban it completely.

Instead we put strong limits in place and both girls had lock boxes where all our phones lived on a bookcase shelf. So at 13/14 yrs phones were allowed for 30 mins after they got home from school. Then locked until they had finished hwk and dinner. Then they were allowed an hour before bed (but not immediately before bed). No phones overnight. And none in the morning at all before school. And at their school, they were allowed phones with them but were confiscated if seen in use by a teacher.

We revisited these rules at sixteen but still phones downstairs with ours at night.

DH and I also did a lot of research (NSPCC and CEOPS) about on-line safety and relayed this info on a regular basis to dds.

It was easier because I only worked mornings at that point and I was able to encourage and facilitate lots of phone-less extra-curricular activities like swimming and dance which I couldn't have done as much if I was working ft like I am now. .

I think you need to be balanced about it and not too extreme because in my day we had separate calendars, alarm clocks, notebooks, journals, radios, maps, TVs, encyclopedias, dictionaries, cameras and calculators etc and spoke to our friends on the family land line phone - and we used them all regularly - but nowadays all of those things are incorporated in to one device.

And the very best way of inculcating balanced screen use in teens imho is to set a good example yourself.

I understand your anxiety.

My 45 year old brother was and is obsessed with gaming. He still lives a 15 year old teenage boy with our elderly father.

My nearly 14yo has more screen time than this. I'd rather she didn't, as it's just a big ole time thief, but here we are. While it's of little benefit I don't think it's a massive disaster.

The only issue I have is that sometimes she gets shirty if I ask her to disconnect for some reason, but that gets short shift from me, and a reminder that if she can't self manage to some degree then I'll impose my own restrictions which might not be what she has in mind

Sounds like you're doing an amazing job and his screen time is very balanced.

It's not realistic to expect zero hours per day. Surely you parents also watch tv, use laptops and phones about 1-3 hrs per day? That's the usual statistics. In the modern world it is what it is, to stay connected.

As long as he does other things too, like sees friends IRL, does homework, has interests beyond gaming, does some exercise, he's probably totally fine.

It’s 2024. What teen is going to sit and do a puzzle.

Teenage DD1 and I do a jigsaw puzzle for 30mins every evening - it's become a really crucial part of our wind down before bed as it is really relaxing. That said, she is a keen gamer as well and some of the games she plays involve a great deal of creativity (there is one game where she can design a house and then design the clothes for everyone living in it). We are quite strict with gaming time (1hr per evening) but struggle more with smartphone screen time.

@Galoop I don't want to be harsh, but you should be really concerned if your child has no friends. Screen time will only make this worse and further retard his social skills. Can you join him up to some clubs or something?

I don't know why you assume he doesn't do clubs? He does. He doesn't have any contact with anyone from school or clubs outside of those times. I am really concerned, but don't see what more I can do about it.