Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent child care while parent is off sick

155 replies

NannyK62 · 25/07/2024 18:57

I look after my grandson (2) one day per week, he goes to nursery on the other days. My son and DIL both work full time.

my DIL is now off sick due to stress but still wants me to have my grandson on my “usual day”. He is still going to nursery the other days which I understand as they have to pay to keep his space but I feel like he should stay home with mum if she is off work.

I work 4 days a week myself and it would be a nice change to have that day to myself for the next month which is the length of her current sick note. I love having him but it is tiring at my age. Am I being selfish to refuse to have him? Do you think it will damage my relationship with son/DIL?

many thanks

OP posts:
JellyWellyBoots · 25/07/2024 18:58

Do they pay you for looking after him?

Original poster
NannyK62 · 25/07/2024 18:59

JellyWellyBoots · 25/07/2024 18:58

Do they pay you for looking after him?

No I offered to reduce my hours when he was born as I wanted a close bond with him so I didn’t ask for any money

OP posts:
Wherewithout · 25/07/2024 18:59

I think if she is too unwell to work she is probably also too unwell to look after a toddler all day!

gentlemum · 25/07/2024 19:05

That sounds like a tough one. She's obviously very unwell with stress and what's more stressful than looking after a two year old all day?! Rather than just say no, maybe have a conversation and say your point of view about having a break yourself whilst there's the opportunity or maybe come to some compromise. Like you go round to their house to help for a couple of hours and the rest of the day is for yourself for example?

maryberryslayers · 25/07/2024 19:05

If she is getting the other 4 days at home child free to rest, you could ask if she could have him at home with her. If she would find it too much in her current state, perhaps ask your son to have him 2 out of the 4 weeks or see if he could attend nursery for the extra days to give you a break?

OtterOnAPlane · 25/07/2024 19:10

I think it’s absolutely fine to say that you need a break from childcare. You’re under no obligation to do anything so what you’ve offered thus far is amazing.

I also think, however, when dropping out just when your DIL is really unwell isn’t great. Would you do the same if she was off with a broken leg?

Perhaps wait for the crisis to pass, then tell them that you need a break or to stop permanently.

Createausername1970 · 25/07/2024 19:10

I can see both sides, but I think if child is going to nursery as well, then there could be some movement with your day.

You would at some point be wanting to go on holiday I guess, so there would be some points during the year you couldn't help out.

Say you have been meaning to sort out a few weeks off to give you some time to catch up with other stuff, so would it be better to do this while she is off? They would had to have sorted out alternative arrangements at some point to give you a break.

Bushmillsbabe · 25/07/2024 19:10

I think it depends - is she experiencing severe anxiety/depression as a result of her work, on medication, accessing mental health support? If yes, I think it would be great if you could still support her, a whole toddler day may feel overwhelming for her if she us really struggling, bit maybe you couod come to a compromise where you care for grandson together - if you get on well it might be nice for her to have some company. I know when I had severe PND I didn't feel OK to be alone with my children all day.

Or is she OK as long as not working, in which case yes, I think it would be fine to ask her to look after her child.

She may have asked as she thinks you might miss the time with grandchild. In which case maybe split the day, so you see grandson fir a couple hours bit also get some time to yourself

Wormfanclub · 25/07/2024 19:11

I think it’s very unfair considering she is off work for stress.

However, it sounds like you find looking after DGC 1 day per week too tiring and would like to stop, which is a separate issue altogether.

It’s a shame that this is all coming to a head now, when she is already off with stress, as it will cause more stress.

It’s also a shame that you agreed to do 1 day per week if you weren’t confident you could honour the commitment. It would have been easy for them to do nursery over 5 days back when they were first sorting it out. But they might not be able to add a 5th day on now at such short notice, due to space and staffing.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 25/07/2024 19:15

I can totally see both sides however being you actually cut hours to look after your grandson then it does seem a bit unfair however given DIL now has 4 days of no work stress it’s a bit of a conundrum. I think underlying you are feeling that you need to give up looking after grandchild after all. Perhaps a chat with your son is in order so as not to stress dil further?

MaterCogitaVera · 25/07/2024 19:15

If you can manage it, it would be a kindness to continue to care for your DGC while DIL is ill. Getting better from stress-related illness generally needs quiet and rest, at least at first, and she may be overwhelmed by the idea of being at home with her toddler son all day.

You could also admit that you’re finding it tiring, and ask whether - for example - she might feel up to the two of you spending the day together at your house with DGC, to share the work, or maybe to you dropping him back home earlier than usual, so you get a few extra hours to yourself.

In the end, I don’t think you would be unreasonable to tell them that you’re finding it too hard and want to change the arrangement, but I think you would be (very mildly) unreasonable to say that you want to change things just because she happens to be at home, when the reason she’s at home is sick leave.

masomenos · 25/07/2024 19:15

You only get one day off work, your DIL is off work with stress, and she's insisting you continue to have him on your one day off work even though she has 4 other days without him?

You're having him one day per week to "bond" with your grandson, not to look after your DIL. That's your son's job (or her parents if they're willing and able). She's being v unreasonable.

NameChangedJune · 25/07/2024 19:15

yes I think if you ‘refuse’ it could damage the relationship, especially if the result is an extra day of nursery, perhaps permanently. I think you have to offer the childcare willingly and unconditionally, if it’s a struggle say so but be prepared for a permanent change to the routine.

LadyWhistled0wn · 25/07/2024 19:16

If she's got four days off already without him, one day of having at home won't hurt her.

End of the day you're his nan, not his mother. I bet if you was poorly when yours was young you'd still be looking after your children

startstopengine · 25/07/2024 19:16

I think her partner your son should take a day off and be home supporting.

Original poster
NannyK62 · 25/07/2024 19:17

Thanks for all of your input.

Just to clarify - when she told me she was off I asked if she’d still need me on that day and she said yes. At that point I agreed to continue as I understand she’s obviously stressed and mustn’t feel able to cope with him alone at the moment.

we get on pretty well and generally are quite honest with each other, perhaps I’ll suggest dropping him back a bit earlier for the next few weeks whilst she’s home. She’s off with work related stress.

I think once I realised I was running around after a toddler whilst she was taking it easy at home I felt a bit of resentment in that moment but I’m happy to be told iabu - hence asking! I’ve taken a holiday before and it’s not been an issue - I would never leave them stuck at short notice and I’d never want to give up my regular day with grandson long term unless I was no longer required.

OP posts:
LadyWhistled0wn · 25/07/2024 19:18

If it's work related stress then surely having her toddler at home isn't going to hurt her? It's not good for her to lounge about in bed all day doing nothing either!

startstopengine · 25/07/2024 19:18

Sorry posted too soon, why don't you discuss this with him, your concerns, you wanting to take a break and let him come up with a solution.

He has a sick wife and a toddler he needs to take some of the pressure here, and I'm sure whatever job or role he does he would be given some family leave which is allowed, he just needs to ask and step in.

neverwakeasleepingbaby · 25/07/2024 19:22

You mention that your motivation to look after him is to have a close bond with him. Surely this is the case regardless of whether your DIL is at work or not?

I get the resentment though because toddlers are very hard work. But as others have said, this is probably why she needs you the most at this time, when she is overwhelmed

DelphiniumBlue · 25/07/2024 19:22

I would tell her that while she's at home you'll have him for shorter days, maybe until lunchtime and then DS can maybe get home a bit early if she really needs support.
The stress of looking after a toddler is very different from stress caused by work. Is that she needs time to sort her life out? Or sleep? I'd have thought doing nice things outside with a little one can be fun, eg walk in the woods, or going to the park. You could suggest that you do a few things together.

Mumoftwo1316 · 25/07/2024 19:22

Yanbu, it's work related stress not mothering related stress. She will have four whole days a week with nothing to do but rest and recuperate.

I've been utterly at the brink with stress and ppd before, so I know what it's like, but really four days off pw, and just one day pw looking after a single child, is achievable for any MH that doesn't meet the threshold for sectioning.

Mumoftwo1316 · 25/07/2024 19:23

Is that she needs time to sort her life out? Or sleep?

She's got four whole days a week to do that...!

reluctantbrit · 25/07/2024 19:27

I think you need to start a discussion how to go forward in general. If you find it difficult and tiring than one month off wouldn't help you. a lot, you still have at least 2 years until your grandchild is in school.

I do think your DIL could compromise on you dropping to 1/2 day maybe for the length of her sick leave and then weaning off but it also means she has to ensure she has childcare in a month time or whenever you want to stop.

My aunt did childcare and was secretly very reliefed when the grandchildren outgrew the need for it. She loves them but I think it did damage a bit and she grew resentful. So better talk now.

Zanatdy · 25/07/2024 19:29

Hmm I think she should be looking after him on this day, but I do think that it might damage your relationship if you refuse. Might be worth saying to your son is it possible they can cover a day or so as you’re exhausted and hope they get the hint

Swrfannies · 25/07/2024 19:31

From one paternal grandma to another….

as you have said it’s work related stress, she is taking the proverbial!