Grandparent child care while parent is off sick

[NannyK62]

I look after my grandson (2) one day per week, he goes to nursery on the other days. My son and DIL both work full time.

my DIL is now off sick due to stress but still wants me to have my grandson on my “usual day”. He is still going to nursery the other days which I understand as they have to pay to keep his space but I feel like he should stay home with mum if she is off work.

I work 4 days a week myself and it would be a nice change to have that day to myself for the next month which is the length of her current sick note. I love having him but it is tiring at my age. Am I being selfish to refuse to have him? Do you think it will damage my relationship with son/DIL?

many thanks

I think your dil must be really suffering with her mh to be taking a month off work.

Perhaps your dil thinks it's best to carry on with the routine for her son's sake also? That way he doesn't know any different.

I do think a compromise is in order though, perhaps you could do 2 out of the 4 days. I agree with a pp suggesting that your son needs to take 1/2 days off also.

The OP isn't saying that she wants to end the arrangement permanently - just that when her DIL is at home all week it would be nice for her to have one day off herself.

Yes, the DIL is stressed, but the MIL is working on the days she's not childminding. It's one thing to offer to help out, but another to do a five day week so that someone else can have five days off. Why would it damage the relationship to ask someone to have her own son one day a week?

Mum is off with stress, mum is also a mum so even when stressed we have to parent.

OP I think given the fact you are also working 4 days yourself and finding it tiring it’s not unreasonable to not have your grandson, mum can relax on nursery days and parent on the other day.

Maybe meet in the middle and do a half day, tell her you are really tired and need a break. If she then has 4.5 days of the week off I think that's more than reasonable of you.

The OP needs to talk with her son and daughter in law. It's fine for the DIL to say that she'd like MIL to do the childcare but it's also fine for the MIL to say that she would prefer not to at this time.

No she’s taking the absolute mick.

She has the other days to have a break.

If she really can’t cope with one day then the dad will need to take the day off.

This is not fair on you.

I do regular childcare for my DGC and it seems to me that your DIL needs your support more than ever now. If she was signed off with a physical illness would you still feel that she should be looking after her DS?

That's difficult...if off sick she can't look after child but if not paying you you not need to give childcare...maybe dil and son should use nursery...

unless I thought she actually might be sectioned I’d be reluctant

if you want to keep it cordial I’d have an appointment so I was only able to do a half day and drop him back at lunch. Physio or something…
id then need a few more sessions…and the only slot is 1pm on X day

YANBU If it was a short term physical illness then it would be unreasonable to have her vomiting while looking after a toddler because ‘if she’s at home she should have him’ however long term stress is different imo.
She already has days where she is home on her own while the child is in nursery, work related stress shouldn’t apply when she’s off work in her own home.

I’m curious.. if it was your son off sick with stress would you still be wanting to end the arrangement?

I haven't ever received any support from anymore regarding childcare and I am a single parent to a special needs child. If you are depressed or anxious it's important to have a routine as sitting around makes you ruminate on all the things making you depressed. When you have a child you need to get on with it as you will lose your confidence as a parent. Tell her you need some time as your feeling unwell and tired yourself.

If she falls out with you about stopping for a few weeks while she’s got 4 days to herself a week she’d be incredibly unreasonable. What’s she going to do, start paying for an extra day’s nursery in a huff? I highly doubt it.

You’re supporting them loads. Be selfish for once and enjoy some very rare days off!

I would do this. Say you're more than happy to take him to help out but you need a little lighter load so you don't burn out so you'll drop him back a bit earlier? Also maybe let them know one week you want "off"? So that your son can arrange time off if needed. You aren't an employee for sure but it is going to damage your relationship if you don't tread carefully. Perhaps you could suggest you and DIL both take son out together? She might need a bit of support with him

work related stress shouldn’t apply when she’s off work in her own home.

Wow

Just wow

This!

She's taking the mick.

Not really, the world at home keeps ticking. Looking after her own child 1 single day a week is more than reasonable. Presumably she’s able to get her toddler ready, give them a bath, put them to bed. A certain level of normality remains when you have children, that’s just life.
Most people look after their own children when their are ill, this mother is lucky to have 4 days of childcare while she’s off ill.

She can't stop being a parent because she's off sick!

I agree the drs normally go for 2 weeks at a time so it must be pretty bad

Some people can't look after their own kids when they get ill and the other parent has to step up so social services don't get involved.

She can't just turn stress off like that. We don't know exactly how bad mum is here.

There is a whole spectrum of work-related stress from the relatively mild to nervous breakdown.

Unless the stress is severe (already impacting her physical health and energy levels) she is being incredibly cheeky because basically all she is doing is resting.

Your suggestion to do shorter days sounds like good compromise. Perhaps suggest dropping him back after lunch?

Then the other parent should take the day off.

Why should OP stress herself out over it.

I agree with proposing a compromise. She's not on working day deadline, so her and toddler could have a relaxed morning and get ready under their own steam. You get a lie in then too. You could pick the toddler up at lunch and take then out to soft play and have food etc. Keep them out until 4 and then DIL wouldn't be on her own for any stretch of time but it also takes the load from you slightly. I'd appreciate that as a DIL. I've been unwell recently and the support I've had from grandparents has been amazing. Couldn't have coped without them.