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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent child care while parent is off sick

155 replies

NannyK62 · 25/07/2024 18:57

I look after my grandson (2) one day per week, he goes to nursery on the other days. My son and DIL both work full time.

my DIL is now off sick due to stress but still wants me to have my grandson on my “usual day”. He is still going to nursery the other days which I understand as they have to pay to keep his space but I feel like he should stay home with mum if she is off work.

I work 4 days a week myself and it would be a nice change to have that day to myself for the next month which is the length of her current sick note. I love having him but it is tiring at my age. Am I being selfish to refuse to have him? Do you think it will damage my relationship with son/DIL?

many thanks

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2024 21:58

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/07/2024 21:57

@StormingNorman without meaning to get snobby I think there is a diffence between professionally qualified helping professionals in the public sector (midwives, teachers, social workers, doctors etc) and not so qualified admin type roles. I think those who are in the helping professions are taken the piss pity if completely by their government employees.
At my work for example we have had admin support totally removed. We now have to do all our own booking off appointments and rescheduling and sending out reports etc. it's such a waste of time but it doesn't come out of our service delivery time as we still have the same work to deliver (more actually, as maternity leave doesn't get covered) so it just pushes our workload into evenings and weekends.

  • taken the piss out of
GreatTheCat · 25/07/2024 21:58

Wtf am I hearing? She has 4 days child free, she can have 1 day with the child. If she had the flu and was in bed then I'd have the kid for her for one week, but that's hardly going to last a month.

Futurascope · 25/07/2024 22:01

OhMaria2 · 25/07/2024 21:46

She's not " off work" , she's off work because she is unwell. Please do not dump a toddler on her on the only days that she can rest.
If she had flu would you do this?

Show quote history

She has 4 days a week completely to herself

wombpaloumbpa · 25/07/2024 22:04

I think given he is still going to nursery on the other days it's not unreasonable for her to spend the time with him. Yes 2 year olds can be stressful but they can also be amazing company and maybe she could plan some fun bonding days together.

They're lucky to have you. I don't get any such support with my kids from any grandparent, I've had illness, been signed off work etc and just muddled through like you do.

I still take my kids to see their grandparents and try to promote them having a good relationship because that's beneficial for all. I feel quite jealous of people with regular reliable GP support.

Jl2014 · 25/07/2024 22:05

Well I don’t think the bonding has worked if you feel resentful with a day a week!!

YABVU. You committed to the day and now you are going back on it. The whys and wheres of your DIL are irrelevant.

KnittyNell · 25/07/2024 22:09

If she’s not capable of mothering at all it sounds as if additional official help is needed.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 25/07/2024 22:24

she’s honestly a great mum and I assumed she’d be looking forward to some extra time with my grandson but perhaps I’ve made some assumptions and she’s more unwell than she seems.

If shes a good mum, and not someone you consider to be lazy etc, then the fact she doesn't want to spend one day a week looking after her son alone does suggest a more serious illness.

You've said you get along - maybe suggest doing something with her on one of the days? Like you all go out to the playground in the morning, and maybe back to hers for some lunch, and then you leave so you get the afternoon?

Obviously you also need to consider yourself, and if you don't think you can carry on with the day a week that's totally reasonable. If it were me though, I'd do the next few weeks and have that conversation when she's back at work.

ShyMaryEllen · 25/07/2024 22:31

MaryMary6589 · 25/07/2024 20:26

This is a prime example of why people don't get on with their MILs. She's asked you for help and you think you know best.

This is why we set expectations for no regular grandparent childcare (from either side) before we had children. It is unreliable and causes so much resentment.

Where exactly has the OP sad she thinks she knows best?

She has said that she offered to have the child when her DIL was at work, and has given up a day's pay a week to do so, whilst working 4 days a week as well as the childcare on the fifth.

Now that the DIL is at home 5 days a week and has her husband there at weekends, the OP has asked whether it would be unreasonable to have a day off herself, pro temps.

She has not said she wants to end the arrangement, has not said she knows best, and has responded very reasonably to the posts suggesting that she has. To me, she sounds very generous and understanding.

startstopengine · 25/07/2024 23:15

NannyK62 · 25/07/2024 21:36

forgot to add, my son is self employed so although can be flexible with work it’s not as simple as taking a prolonged period of unpaid leave - that would only add to their stresses I imagine!

I'm sure he could take a day, is he even aware of these thoughts you have? I've been self employed and run my own business my whole working life and if my husband was sick I'd be able to juggle.

I'm not sure why he's being completely left out of the conversations, let him come up with solutions for the day you'd like to yourself.

Despair1 · 25/07/2024 23:42

StormingNorman · 25/07/2024 21:50

That’s what we hear from our friends and family in the public sector who are sick of the piss takers.

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Totally! I have experience of this too

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 25/07/2024 23:53

Wherewithout · 25/07/2024 18:59

I think if she is too unwell to work she is probably also too unwell to look after a toddler all day!

This!

Yabvvvvu

She is ill.
She needs time and headspace to get herself well.
If the person who benefits from her sickleave is you, getting a nice extra day off, rather than her taking the time she needs to get well, she would actually be defrauding the sick pay system.

If you want to back out of your agreement to support your son and DIL with childcare that's your right, you don't owe them childcare, but you should give them enough notice so they can get an extra day booked in at nursery. It's a shitty thing to do when someone is already ill and could do without the extra stress and expense but there's no law against being a shitty person.

ShyMaryEllen · 26/07/2024 00:31

It’s not a ‘nice extra day off’! Have you read the OP? It is one possible day off in a week, taken when the child’s mother has all of the rest of the week off work.

The older woman is working as well as caring for the child. The younger one is doing neither. Yes, she has work-related stress, but she’s not at work.

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 26/07/2024 00:57

@ShyMaryEllen yes I have read the whole thread and I stand by what I said.
OP is wanting to be the beneficiary of her DIL's sick pay. That it unethical.
It's exactly the same kind of unethical as if DIL took on paid employment with another employer while on sick leave.

If OP wants the extra time off she can give reasonable notice and allow her son and DIL to make appropriate childcare arrangements. She's not obliged to help out if she doesn't want to, like I said.

wibblywobblywoo · 26/07/2024 01:03

Wormfanclub · 25/07/2024 19:11

I think it’s very unfair considering she is off work for stress.

However, it sounds like you find looking after DGC 1 day per week too tiring and would like to stop, which is a separate issue altogether.

It’s a shame that this is all coming to a head now, when she is already off with stress, as it will cause more stress.

It’s also a shame that you agreed to do 1 day per week if you weren’t confident you could honour the commitment. It would have been easy for them to do nursery over 5 days back when they were first sorting it out. But they might not be able to add a 5th day on now at such short notice, due to space and staffing.

What a shame too that the OP wasn't blessed with the gift of hindsight, as you apparently were..... 🙄

Tourmalines · 26/07/2024 01:19

Oh my god , she will be having the rest of the week off . Of course she should be minding her own child. I mean , what about you ? You might need a break too . I’m a GP and it can be exhausting some days when I’ve had GC all day , as much as I love her . Ignore everyone guilt tripping you .

Tourmalines · 26/07/2024 01:25

Wormfanclub · 25/07/2024 19:11

I think it’s very unfair considering she is off work for stress.

However, it sounds like you find looking after DGC 1 day per week too tiring and would like to stop, which is a separate issue altogether.

It’s a shame that this is all coming to a head now, when she is already off with stress, as it will cause more stress.

It’s also a shame that you agreed to do 1 day per week if you weren’t confident you could honour the commitment. It would have been easy for them to do nursery over 5 days back when they were first sorting it out. But they might not be able to add a 5th day on now at such short notice, due to space and staffing.

Get over yourself with your baseless judgement.

NewbieSM · 26/07/2024 02:46

Nah this is taking the piss, it's her child who is still attending nursery so she has loads of free time doing nothing really. If her stress is work related then her being off surely means she is less stressed? You are not only older than her but also working and caring for her child for free, she can suck it up and look after her own child while she is at home. Yanbu.

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/07/2024 03:25

neverwakeasleepingbaby · 25/07/2024 19:22

You mention that your motivation to look after him is to have a close bond with him. Surely this is the case regardless of whether your DIL is at work or not?

I get the resentment though because toddlers are very hard work. But as others have said, this is probably why she needs you the most at this time, when she is overwhelmed

She's taking the piss

Many of us have been stressed and struggling juggling everything as single parents without the benefit of a grandmother and partner enabling us to have every day off.

You just have to get on with it.

SloopyDoodle · 26/07/2024 03:53

A couple of years ago I was off sick from work with work related stress for a few weeks, I actually found it really helpful when my MIL visited on her childcare day and we spent the day together looking after my daughter. It helped me to focus on the present moment rather than spiralling into the abyss at the time. Could be a potential options? I also had a day at home with my daughter on my own and I found making a list of things I needed to do just to basic function (e.g. get child dressed, brush teeth, make breakfast, do some colouring) helpful. Im not sure if this helps, it was a really horrible time for me as my anxiety was out of control.

Goslingsforlife · 26/07/2024 03:57

where is the child's father in this? If his wife is that ill, he should be stepping up,and not expecting his mum to be the solution. She has 4 days at home where she can rest. Most parents just have to suck it up when they are not well. There is sick leave from work - parenting is 24/7.

ShyMaryEllen · 26/07/2024 05:26

@OpizpuHeuvHiyo
OP is wanting to be the beneficiary of her DIL's sick pay.

How?

ebadame · 26/07/2024 06:30

Goslingsforlife · 26/07/2024 03:57

where is the child's father in this? If his wife is that ill, he should be stepping up,and not expecting his mum to be the solution. She has 4 days at home where she can rest. Most parents just have to suck it up when they are not well. There is sick leave from work - parenting is 24/7.

Yes but presumably she is very ill. If you are very ill you can't look after your kids no matter how you "should just get on with it". I agree dad needs to step up

ebadame · 26/07/2024 06:30

SloopyDoodle · 26/07/2024 03:53

A couple of years ago I was off sick from work with work related stress for a few weeks, I actually found it really helpful when my MIL visited on her childcare day and we spent the day together looking after my daughter. It helped me to focus on the present moment rather than spiralling into the abyss at the time. Could be a potential options? I also had a day at home with my daughter on my own and I found making a list of things I needed to do just to basic function (e.g. get child dressed, brush teeth, make breakfast, do some colouring) helpful. Im not sure if this helps, it was a really horrible time for me as my anxiety was out of control.

I think it would be great of OP to suggest doing something together.

ebadame · 26/07/2024 06:32

NewbieSM · 26/07/2024 02:46

Nah this is taking the piss, it's her child who is still attending nursery so she has loads of free time doing nothing really. If her stress is work related then her being off surely means she is less stressed? You are not only older than her but also working and caring for her child for free, she can suck it up and look after her own child while she is at home. Yanbu.

Another one who doesn't understand work related stress. It doesn't just switch on the moment you start working for the day. It's going to take time to recover

ebadame · 26/07/2024 06:33

ShyMaryEllen · 26/07/2024 00:31

It’s not a ‘nice extra day off’! Have you read the OP? It is one possible day off in a week, taken when the child’s mother has all of the rest of the week off work.

The older woman is working as well as caring for the child. The younger one is doing neither. Yes, she has work-related stress, but she’s not at work.

Work related stress doesn't work like that