Grandparent child care while parent is off sick

[NannyK62]

I look after my grandson (2) one day per week, he goes to nursery on the other days. My son and DIL both work full time.

my DIL is now off sick due to stress but still wants me to have my grandson on my “usual day”. He is still going to nursery the other days which I understand as they have to pay to keep his space but I feel like he should stay home with mum if she is off work.

I work 4 days a week myself and it would be a nice change to have that day to myself for the next month which is the length of her current sick note. I love having him but it is tiring at my age. Am I being selfish to refuse to have him? Do you think it will damage my relationship with son/DIL?

many thanks

If a GP has signed her off for a month it's going to be pretty severe

Fine not an issue. But "work related stress shouldn't apply at home" shows shocking ignorance into how stress affects a lot of people. It can't just be switched off

I'm assuming this, although it's what we all have to do. Perhaps you should speak to your son as I don't think YABU, however it probably will damage your relationship so it may not be worth the fall out. Could you compromise and maybe do a half day?

I don’t know anyone who would take time off of work for stress for a month unless they were on the verge of a breakdown. Most people don’t want to have to hand in a sick note saying they’re stressed, it’s usually the last resort. Retracting your childcare obligations in your DILs time of need is pretty low, just retract it when she’s back at work if you don’t want to do it anymore.

Without giving away too much detail, she had a history of poor MH and has been off a number of times over the years - I’m assuming this is why the GP issued a longer note?

she’s honestly a great mum and I assumed she’d be looking forward to some extra time with my grandson but perhaps I’ve made some assumptions and she’s more unwell than she seems. We live very close so I’ll try and catch her tomorrow after drop off and see if she needs any other support.

Thanks again all - interesting that everybody has such different opinions, makes my feelings feel valid either way to be honest!

I have total sympathy for mental health after having severe pnd myself. However I recently went off with work stress and while I kept my dc at nursery on his two nursery days, the other 3 I kept him home with me. It wouldn't have occured to me to have kept him at his grandparents and for me the two days child free were an absolute life saver!

I think the four days are enough if I'm honest. It doesn't mean you can't still spend time together on the day you aren't meant to have him but she must realise that she is in a very privileged position to have those four days to herself while off with stress as a parent.

But that doesn't mean OP has to do it

Why are you even asking her? If you don't want to look after him while she's home then don't.
If it damages your relationship with her permanently then she's an entitled brat and you're better off without her.
She's using you for free childcare and you're tiptoeing around trying not to upset her.

If she's been signed off sick she must be really struggling. As you've said yourself, running around after a toddler is hard so I think it would be really unkind to withdraw your support now.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to ask for shorter days though. So if you usually do something like 8am-6pm, something like 9 or 10 til 3 or 4 might split the difference a bit.

@Franjipanl8r I don’t know anyone who would take time off of work for stress for a month unless they were on the verge of a breakdown

Really? In many large organisations it’s often used as extra leave. The NHS in particular is
riddled with long term leave, I highly doubt in
all those cases it was the verge of a breakdown.

I know someone who extended their mat leave by a month with stress leave. It took no
more than one phone call for a month off.

Now none of this is in every case but let’s not
Pretend there isn’t a huge number of people on sick leave who can absolutely go about their daily life.

Gosh, very judgmental and harsh

I dont think you are being unreasonable.

She has the rest of the week whilst lo is at nursery to recuperate, I dont think its unreasonable for her to have her child that last day.

I think maybe you need to have a conversation about them upping nursery after the summer holidays, nothing wrong with being honest about how exhausting it is for you looking after lo and working.

I think the time to discuss this is after your DIL is well enough to return to work. I would not be expecting her to look after a toddler if she is suffering with stress. If you are struggling though speak to your son about dropping the day.

We looked after our DGDs as toddlers and babies for one day a week and now they are at school I miss those days so you might find the same.

This is a prime example of why people don't get on with their MILs. She's asked you for help and you think you know best.

This is why we set expectations for no regular grandparent childcare (from either side) before we had children. It is unreliable and causes so much resentment.

regardless of the fact that she’s off with stress, it sounds like perhaps you are ready to pull back on looking after your grandson? This is fine OP if you have reached this conclusion. I really would encourage you to talk to your DS about this and discuss how you could scale back your childcare commitments in a way that works for you but also perhaps isn’t immediate so as to lessen the stress for DIL.

I would say that it really is only worth looking after your grandson if you genuinely enjoy it. It sounds like perhaps this is not the case anymore (2 year olds are exhausting! No judgement!) and you need to be honest with yourself and your DS.

SPOT ON! I am confident that those who don't get paid sick leave are rarely signed off for stress. Excuse me if I sound cynical but this is my experience

Unfair

Really…I really don’t know anyone who would willingly take time off work sick with stress unless it was critical. If like you the OP assumes there are plenty of work-shy freeloaders about and the DIL is taking the piss, then good luck to the OP making that assumption!

I don't think it's unreasonable to say to her there will be a couple of weeks you can't have him. You're working full time, she has her husband at home at the weekends and DC is in nursery 4 days, even if they just stay home on that one day she should be fine. Given she is not at work and away from the source of the workplace stress one day a week at home with her child should be manageable.

I totally understand how you feel. Your DIL is having 4 days away from her son whilst he is at nursery so has plenty of relaxation time. I think it is more than reasonable that DIL looks after him on the day that is normally allocated to you whilst she is on stress leave. I fully appreciate how you would like to have that day to yourself. Unfortunately, I think it may not be be received in that way by your son and DIL. So you have to weigh it up! Personally, I would probably not take the risk of upsetting your relationship. TBH, they may think that you don't want to change the arrangement. I totally disagree with those posters who are implying/suggesting that you are being unfair/unreasonable/being too much.
Hope all works out OK. You sound a lovely grandma

Again, the OP has not said that she wants to end the arrangement! Just that she would like a day off a week at a time when the child's mother is having four days off a week.

Surely all parents still look after their children when they are unwell?! It’s part of the job isn’t it?!

I’m baffled by so many responses suggesting a mum couldn’t possibly look after her own child because she is stressed with work. She has 4 days a week of complete solitude! Most mums I know would enjoy the opportunity of looking after their child one day a week if they are normally working full time.

If she worked part time and was signed off with stress, she would still be looking after her child on her usual days. Work related stress should not stop someone caring for their own child! I would find spending time with my child an enjoyable distraction during my time off work

OP I really struggled with my MH in my first 18 months - 2 years back in work post maternity leave. Eventually I had a complete break down and was signed off for 6 weeks. Firstly, I hope your DIL is okay; has she got ongoing support from her GP?

My parents were my childcare one day a week too. They knew I was off and so on those days they still helped so I could recover as best I could (some days I truly couldn’t get out of bed) but they just did a shorter day, they came at 10 and dropped back around 3 just before the school run. Could you suggest something like that? From my experience, it would really help and I’ve never been more grateful for that support when it happened to me.

And someone else upthread said about inviting her out with you and the toddler. That way she gets a bit of normality, spends time with the little one, and can have your company. If she's up to it.