To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

This says more about you as a parent than it ever will about your child.

6!!!!! This is such a sad thread. My husband and I are very high achievers- both published, got a PhD and a handful of masters degrees between us. My eldest has special needs and an EHCP. My youngest has no obvious SEN but is 'working towards' in a few areas. It would never have crossed my mind to be disappointed. Plus they're only little... they've got many years of education to improve (as far as they are able). I'm really sad for your child.

Well, fuck me, just when I think I’ve read it all. Poor child.

My OH had a very high achieving father who couldn’t help but show his disappointment in OH low academic grades when he was young. I don’t think the ‘not being good enough’ feelings have ever left him. That’s in spite of him being rather successful to the point where my in laws, including his siblings, don’t make an important decision without getting my OH’s opinion first.

OP - wait and see before forming any opinions.

Do remember Dh at sports day saying “wtf we are both sporty!” as both ours trailed in last.

You are being absolutely mental op. And yes often clever couples have below average kids and vice versa. Dh blazed a trail to Cambridge both his parents left school at 16 and did blue collar work - no one in their family had even been to university at all let alone Cambridge.

Are they happy and healthy? If so, count your blessings.

They could be going at a different pace but are you doing everything you can with them? Reading, talking, exploring?
If you are, they'll reach their potential whatever it may be.

@TheMightyWanderer
True. It's so incredibly stressful trying to stay ahead day-in, day-out. A debilitating fear of being "a failure" has more common with success than any special ability in the matter.

The odds are, OP will have a successful child - driven ahead by the mental monsters of failure.

It makes me sad to read this.

It is a good day if my DS has a shower and not contemplating suicide.

To be disappointed with the academic achievements of a 6 year old child is ludicrous!
Please don't waste these wonderful years with your ds/dd focusing on academic attainment.

I have 3 dc, now late teens/young adults. They have all received the same upbringing and education, yet they are all totally different and walking different paths. I didn't expect (or want) 3 clones of myself of dh!

Let your child be a child. My god.

With my first I felt very similar. I didn't realize how much I was pushing him until he was about 11 and he said to me "why is it bad that I am average"? It really hit me. He was a lovely kid who had 3's and 4s in school was a bit above average in sports but had no ambition to be anything other than what he was. It was a wake up call for me.

I was a really high achieving child and very academic throughout school, my DD is also 6 and has struggled with reception and year 1. I remember very vividly worrying about it one day after the teacher had spoken to me to say she wasn’t expected to meet any expectations at the end of the year except social and PE. I took my DD to her swimming lesson that afternoon, she had just moved up to the next group, and I saw her immediately start chatting with another little girl she’d just met, and jump in the pool with a massive smile on her face and I was suddenly so glad she was HER and not ME. She is so happy and so confident and friendly- I was never ever like that as a child , I was an awkward nervous wreck! And from then on, although I do try to provide an extra bit of support outside of school for things she’s finding hard, mostly I just don’t worry about it. Because she is who she is, and that’s fabulous.

6

you’ll look back at this post in the future and realise how ridiculous you sound.

Surely the only thing that matters is that they are happy/healthy and not little shit bags? they are 6, cut them some slack. Even if they were 16 and didn’t achieve more than you or your partner, I don’t think you should feel disappointed. They can still go on to have a decent career without amazing GCSE results etc. It’s not the end of the world. Unfortunately with an attitude like yours and high expectations, you will only increase the pressure on them which in turn will result in them achieving even less.

Really don’t worry, OP. At 6 your child has yet to reveal their talent or potential. They might turn out to be very creative, or have an entrepreneurial bent. Also people have very different learning styles and capabilities. It may be that your child hasn’t found theirs yet.

Your child could well be ND and that’s worth exploring, along with other possibilities. If that turns out to be the case, you’ll be doing them a favour by getting an assessment so that you can make sure they have the tools to progress and succeed in life.

I actually totally understand where you are coming from OP. DH and I were both high achievers. DS is autistic and whilst ‘high functioning’ and very capable academically by all accounts, he refuses to take part in any formal learning and will not be ‘tricked’ into reading/writing/maths. I feel desperately sad at seeing a child I had envisaged being really high flying (and he does have the ability) completely stagnating.

There is always a poster like this. You are allowed to express your feelings. I felt just like you when my children were very young.

I wouldn’t set much store by labels at all. My XH was a high achiever at school but peaked when he got into Oxford at 18, achieved nothing thereafter. My first DC was labelled a plodder at school but as soon as she left those confines she thrived and is doing brilliantly at 32. It’s a long old race 😊

Definitely this

I also came on to say this but have been beaten to it , so that a child of two highly intelligent parents can be of average ability.

Love this 👏

Fgs OP, they're 6.

Let them be a kid, love them for who they are, cop on to yourself!

I suppose it depends what you value or view as ‘success’ for your child?

My child has significant learning needs following an injury when they were young (typically developing prior to the accident). Similarly myself and my husband are high achieving and had some set expectations on how we thought life would turn out with our child, as people do. And that was how things were before- we were always so proud when she learnt something new- that she could walk before some of the other babies that we knew.. maybe secretly quite smug that she counted very young too. It was all lost. She had to learn it all again and painfully slowly, it was very hard for her.

We learnt very quickly that we don’t need to place our expectations of her in her academic ability, but that the things that are really important to her and align with her values are the true indicators of success. For her, her relationships are the most important thing and she is SO successful in this. She has friends, carers who adore her and so many people that love her.

This is so much more important than anything we used to be fixated on, we got a bit stuck in the social ‘norms’ of what ‘success’ Is, it’s really made us re-think everything we thought we knew (in lots of therapy) and we’re all a lot happier for it.

And that’s okay just as long as your child gets wind of you ever feeling like that, even if you tell them after the fact. It weighs so much. I was that child and it did damage. My parents never said they were disappointed but I felt it anyway. The child can never even get an inkling of any kind, even if they grow up and change, to even know your parent thought that really hurts.