To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

This! DS is now thriving after SEN diagnosis and getting the right support.

He’s 6. My middle child is a very high achiever
and it wasn’t until he was 8 his teacher said she thought he was a genius and we genuinely thought she was joking. He’s just a baby

I do dislike the term “below average child”. It’s very global and dismissive. It doesn’t account for children’s individuality and strengths in various areas. It doesn’t reflect their developing personality and character. It just makes life a rat race of academic and sporting achievement from the outset. For most this doesn’t lay the foundation for a happy life.

I'm wondering if this might be ASD in the parent. There seems to be a real lack of empathy here. I wondered if it might be worth the parents seeking ASD assessment for themselves?

Same here.

I sort of understand what you mean, even if I don’t really approve of the way you have expressed it. I was a very academically able child, and my DH and I are very high achievers in the traditional educational sense.

My older child is academically able but has neurodivergence related issues that make him very hard work to parent. My younger child is more emotionally stable but struggles academically and has a diagnosis of dyslexia. I struggle a lot with the fact that our modern education system doesn’t value his areas of strength and so he’s judged as being not very bright, etc. the issue, as far as I can see, is with our societal expectations of primary aged children and not with him or his ability, but I do worry about this disconnect between his ability and measurement thereof and what that does to his self esteem.

I think you have unreasonable expectations of a six year old. They haven’t had time to achieve anything yet. And what ambition do you really have for them anyway except to be happy? Achievement isn’t only measured one way.

The trouble with having expectations is that they will definitely be picked up on by your child sooner or later, even if you think you aren't letting them know that.

What we become in life depends on many, many things and not just on the biological aspects of 'intelligence'. Nurture also plays a very, very important part. How much time do you spend interacting with him, imparting knowledge to him about things he is interested in, praising him for doing things well etc? Because that will have the biggest influence on how he gets on in life.

Not everyone is Academic but it doesn't mean they aren't intelligent. Please try not to be disappointed, because I'm not sure that you have anything to be disappointed about and it will harm your son if you continue to think like this. He's 6 and you have no idea who he will be when he grows up

People can just be arseholes. It doesn’t mean they’re autistic.

Very true.

😂😂😂😂😂

6!!!!!!!

Expectations are a fast route to resentment and disappointment

An acquaintance of mine taught a child age 10 who she openly admits to describing as a boy who she suspected would not acheive university grades. His parents were both lawyers. The child eventually went on to university & achieved a masters degree in the subject that inspired him. He found school teaching methods boring but eventually set to work to achieve his grades.

Please just love them for who they are. I wasn't academic, I wasn't sporty, i have no outstanding talents and my parents, especially my dad never let me forget. In fact when I got into uni my dad's comment was "It's a second rate place for second rate people". and his nickname for me was "T T" which stood for "totally talentless" I have spent so much of my life feeling thick, talentless and worthless. My core belief is that I am not and never will be good enough. Obviously, I can argue with myself that this is objectively true as I have a lot of qualifications and have always worked. I did the reverse with my child, I let them know that I loved them for who they are, of course I wanted them to do well at school, but more from the point of view that passing exams opens doors to opportunities rather than something for me to boast about and bask in the reflected glory.

I was raised in a country where 6 year olds aren't yet in school, so their parents wouldn't even know if they're "academic" or not. 6 year olds are tiny anyway and the idea of such a small creature being academic (or not) is ridiculous. Unless you're the mother of Mozart or something.

You're being silly.

Perhaps your child has a kinder and more forgiving nature.

IQ is not the only virtue.

You don't say what you've done with your child OP, only what you and your DP have achieved, which is by and large meaningless. Yes it would be unusual for two high achievers to have an underachieving child. At 6 it's too early to tell, so this is just for argument sake, but it's not really down to genes, more what usually happens in high achieving households. The parents usually read a lot, both themselves and to their children. The parents usually have a lot of "cultural capital", they will visit interesting places with their children and foster an attitude of curiosity and exploration. I say usually, because of course those things don't always happen, and it's much more difficult to become a high achieving child without them.

There's a lot of OP-bashing on this thread - I think "disappointment" is not a wise choice of word, but I do find it endlessly fascinating what combination of genes appears in each child.

And it is perhaps surprising when you assume they'd be mini-yous, but they're simply not. None of my DCs turned out as academic as me, only one is as sporty as DH....but then I see other attributes which have come from MY parents or siblings. Why has DS got curly hair? Why is DD1 never wrong (oh, hi there DM 😁)? It's a glorious mishmash of genetics (plus environment, of course) which makes them all unique and amazing. I suppose it would have made their lives a little easier if they were sporty, popular super-brains but I'm delighted none of them inherited my big nose.

I agree. Golden rule: do not communicate your disappointment to your child.

Book smart parents with no real Parenting skills

I agree. At my 10 year old parents evening, she said he was achieving just below average. He's one of the oldest in his class too. I was surprised for 3 reasons. 1) Both myself and Dh are fairly intelligent with good jobs, etc, so I assumed he would follow. 2) No one has ever said this before on any other parent evening. 3) He has excellent emotional intelligence, and he remembers absolutely everything. He is inquisitive. He questions everything. He can tell you anything about tanks and military vehicles. He is like a walking encyclopaedia. I know where his skills are.

I feel for your child, also would like to add that just because a child underachieves does not mean they have sen.

Have they been actively supported and encouraged or left to their own devices cause smart parents produce smart children?

Wow. Poor kiddo.

Oh god I hate people thinking sport and academia are all there is in the world- what a boring and cold world it would be if all we had were academics and the ‘head down and push on’ sporty people.