To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

6 is much too young to decide if they're high achieving or not.

Take it from me, who has a 19 yr old DD and a 17 yr old DS.
At school my DD was a high flyer. She excelled at everything. Reading, writing, Maths and Science. Parents evening at Primary school was an absolute delight. She was also extremely confident and had very different likes and interests from her peers. I was beyond proud of her.
Secondary school was a different matter. She excelled in nothing and started to struggle in Maths and Science. Her confidence diminished with her peers from puberty. She was talented at drama but it gave her anxiety so she didn't pursue it.

She's now a trainee paramedic and has just passed her first year, not with 'flying colours' but a good pass. She has found the academic/science part extremely hard but as worked hard at it. She's already been in scary situations that I wouldn't know what to do in. I'm honestly beyond proud of her. How she is as a person and how she tackles things.

My DS was pretty average at Primary school. Again, extremely confident and creative. At the beginning of secondary his confidence grew and he did drama and comedy. He was extremely popular. Then puberty hit. He became socially awkward, appalling at sports and reduced his friendship group. He struggled with Maths and Science but absolutely flew in English and History. In GCSE's he scrapped a pass in Maths and Science

Its about working smart, not hard. Being productive when you need to be. I don't exactly flog my guts out and earn a very good salary. It's certainly not "a grind".

Sorry pressed send too soon.

To cut a long story short- excelling early in no measure of how well a child work do later on. It works both ways. I've seen 'slow' starters absolutely flourish and real high flyers crash hard during teen years.

Your child is fine. At 6 they have all the time in the world.

6 is too young to tell how academic they are. My DD had to some tests with the ed psych when she was around that age, the tests put her at average in some areas, below average in others. She's 13 now and won an award for highest grade average in her class. They change so much as they grow, children that are far above average at that age might end up being average once they're teens, and other children can struggle more in school in the first few years then things start to click and they come into their own. And of course there's all kinds of ways to excel, not just academically.

Your poor poor child.

JC this poor kid!

Yes my child has ASD, ADHD and ARFID didn't sit her GCSES due to issues.
She has a very different path ahead than us. She has had a difficult road already.

What is the saying? You get the child you need... not the one you necessarily want.

It has made me less judgey amd more aware of struggles to a granular point.

Far too early to gauge whether or not your child will be a high achiever. What should they have "achieved" at this age? Seriously, genuinely interested to know what this look like for you?

Their brain is still growing so if you want them to excel in a particular area, practice it. Eg. Set them 10 maths questions a day at breakfast if you value maths or go for a run before dinner if you value sport or paint a picture with them before bed if you value art.

If you and DH are high achievers and have the means to invest in tutors or extra lessons (music lessons or language lessons or sports coaching etc), go for it, but try to find something that your child values too.

Please don't write your kid off at 6 because they are average!

Also, a lot of people who do well academically do very averagely in life and a lot of people who are very average academically do very well in life. Qualities like confidence and sociability are far more important for how well someone does (in my experience) as is pure dumb luck.

My child couldn't write at 6. Luckily they weren't at a pushy primary and they told me it would come. He did eventually start writing in yr2/3 but his writing is still horrendous. He went on to do science/mathsy things and did maths at UCL :)

you cannot judge their ability at 6 believe me

Have you considered that as a result of your “high achievements” you’ve sent your child to a better school than you went to where they don’t stand out as prominently as you did?

@Kegas I think it’s too early to have reached this conclusion. Just encourage reading (together and/or by themselves) and relax.

Do you and DH have high IQs or did you work hard and pick things up fast?

My brother didn't do particularly well in school and didn't excel in athletics or anything. Much of it was because he was the youngest in his year and had ADD. He was always polite but shy kid. He came into his own at 16 when he joined a theatre group, took up guitar, and found a good friend group. Wound up going from below average grades to graduating with honours, getting a degree, and a high paying job as a 3D Environmental Artist.

Be very careful with your frustration levels and hope your child isn't aware of your disappointment in his ability. Focusing on believing he is below average will stop you seeing the good qualities he does have.

He is his own person. Your expectations, if not managed, will damage your relationship. It's irrelevant if his Dad moved up a tear at a similar age.

Focus on helping him develop into a well rounded adult who has no knowledge of his parents focus on his academic ability.

Have you not heard the phrase “regression to the mean”? Mathematically, probability is that offspring of the extremes will be closer to the average than their parents.

If the tendency was for offspring to move further from the mean, then the mean would hollow out and the population would split into two groups. That doesn’t happen. So YABU to have expected to be an exception.

it is difficult, though. A part of your self-esteem will come from your intelligence. So if you have to admire your DC despite their lesser intelligence, it downvalues one of the attributes that contributes to your feeling of self worth.

I was a high achiever all the way into my early 20s. I was academically the best, excelled at sports and have an actual talent for the arts. I got into my dream career whilst still at uni (I was head hunted).
However, I realised that I don't enjoy hard work and competition enough to grind like a slave every day for the rest of my life. Many events and school&uni all had a certain end date in the younger years but the working life (to me) is an endless slog.

So I opted out of "success". I'm a failure if anyone was to analyse what could have been... But I'm happy. I dropped the career.
I still create art to a significant acclaim - whilst also resisting the pressure to make it into a grind. I wouldn't enjoy fame either - it makes me uncomfortable and very stressed.

My twin brother started out with average achievements comparing to mine, but he's the one with a stellar career success.
We all have our own path to lead. I wouldn't judge at 6 and I wouldn't judge at 36.

I think it's this.

Your poor, poor child.

The reason they're not "excelling" is because at 6 years old, you're putting far too much pressure on them.

I regard myself as having a achieving child, in the fact that he is happy, polite has friends and is easy going. He is very average at school (below in some subject)but that doesn't bother me.

Fifty percent of children will be below average. Most children vary from skill to skill as to where they score, some will be late developers, but whatever changes, fifty percent will be below average. I don't know if that helps.

6? Really?

I was far below average from the moment I started school to the age of about 9/10. My Grandmother likes to remind me that they tested me for “learning difficulties” but it turns out I was “just lazy”. Sigh. Anyway, I grew into myself around the end of primary school. Became and stayed an A-grade student through secondary school, went to a great university, earn very well now. And now I spend my entire life convinced everyone will realise I’m a lazy, useless idiot because that’s what everyone said I was (not to me, but about me) until I was 9, so maybe give your kid a break.

DH didn’t start to excel until 14/15. He was almost expelled from school and was consistently bottom of the class. Then he knuckled down and absolutely aced his A-levels, undergrad and Masters. Again, he earns very well and is by far the most intelligent person I know, but after a childhood of being dismissed as below average, he works himself to the bone. The true definition of an insecure overachiever.

We are successful on paper, but both suffer from depression and anxiety (both medicated), both have chronically low self-esteem, and are both terribly burnt out with no end in sight (hence I’m procrastinating on MN). We both grew up feeling like we needed to earn our parents’ love by simply being better than average.

Moral of the story: prioritise health, happiness and confidence in your child, not some arbitrary measure of “success”. They’ll find their way and they will flourish, it just might not be in the space or way you want it to be. They’re a human being not a show pony.

Well, that's the problem isn't it, "expectations". Your child is an individual, even if you don't like them not being a slightly more shiny version of your "high achieving" self.

Also, 6.

I think tbh that most people expect their kids to be like them in some way or another. So if academics came easily to you it's difficult to comprehend that your child may not be the same. Not a case of being disappointed, more it's unexpected.

If you are very artistic but child can't draw a straight line or you met your partner when you both sang in choir then and your child sounds like a cat being murdered when they sing then it's often a bit surprising.

Doesn't mean that the child is less lived or you are disappointed. . I don't understand why the OP is getting so much grief

@Kegas How much do you help them with their education as a parent?

The BIGGEST contributor towards your child's success in schooling is what the parents do, not actually what the school do.

A school can only do so much for a child, and behind most successful children are supportive parents who make learning fun for their child.

I teach in a secondary school and 2 of our most awful pupils have high flying parents. The parents are SO busy with their careers and being successful that their idea of parenting is unfortunately throwing money and activities as their kids. They haven't got time to support the school, or turn up to parent evenings etc...

But she loves him regardless, though!

You need to chill out, OP.