To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

SIX!!

Ungently OP, get a grip of yourself. You poor child. Burdened by the weight of your expectation and apparent disappointment. You may think they’re too young to pick up on it, they’re not and it will remain with them unless you rapidly adjust your thinking.

Random question - were you on the pill when you got with your DH? There's studies that show it affects who you choose as a partner.

I think a lot of how your babies are is to do with how your genes merge, not just to do with your individual intelligence.

That said, it's no bad thing if your child isn't gifted , they could still have an amazing life - and besides there's plenty of average six year olds who end up as gifted/accomplished adults.

So because your 6 year old hasn't finished university, they're not a high achiever?

You may be a high achiever but, my god, you're certainly not at parenting if this is your attitude towards a 6 year old child.

Awful attitude!

I can understand your disappointment/expectations.

We are all different. Your child is likely to be amazing at plenty of other things, he just might not be academic. Not everyone is suited to the way schools teach.

IMO, intelligence isn't necessarily genetic, another huge part of it is dependent on the child's experiences.

In the nicest possible way, if there are no learning issues or ND, has he had lots of different experiences? So, not every child would be good at sport, but those that regularly go to the park, soft play, swimming lessons or even do a relaxed sports club for fun, generally have better coordination and gross motor skills than those that don't.

Do you read a bedtime story every night, does he do some art and craft? Do you go out to different places such as museums, theatres, parks, woods, seaside.

I am not judging your parenting, just trying to explain that the more the do/exposed to, the more they learn. Just a fact that reading, being active and creative is great for brain development and concentration. However, it doesn't mean he'll be academic.

A lot of kids change between 7-11. But you aren’t unreasonable to feel what you feel.

time to reassess. You clearly had just assumed academic work would come easy to your child, it won’t. So you might need to push more. Hear your child read daily, play maths and word games. (You might even need to join the mums who listen to times tables in song form in the car).

budget for tutoring in secondary, consider it from year 4 onwards anyway for maths and English. Do they play an instrument? Learning to read music helps with maths ability.

your child is not you, good grades won’t just come easily, that’s not the same as saying good grades are impossible.

It can work the other way too. My parents were very average at school and so was I. My two younger siblings were high achievers and nobody else either side of the family were academic.

Chill out huni x

Not at all! I live in a University town where it's really common to have two extremely high achieving parents (lots of Head of Uni department/hospital Consultant combos) and for the children to be behind, because they are ND. The parents are often ND too (in a more 'high functioning' way) which is what helped them achieve their career success in the first place!

At 6 I really wouldn't panic, OP. Children develop at different rates and at their own pace. Some children achieve at typical levels and then accelerate later. Others seem advanced at 5/6 and then level out. Some will remain average. At this age, their birth month can make a big difference to achievement levels; the impact of autumn v summer born will even out over time.

FWIW, DH and I would probably both be considered academic high achievers -DH has an Oxbridge degree, I have one from a top RG uni (not that it was the Russell Group back in our day!), we have done well in our respective careers. And our eldest July-born DC really really really struggled in Reception/Y1/Y2. We'd have been delighted with average! He was bottom table for everything, needed lots of interventions, eventually managed to reach academic averages towards the end of Y5/6, only really hit his stride academically in Y8. But he ended up with excellent GCSE and A level grades and is currently doing well on his chosen university course. If you had told me all this when he was 6 I would literally never have believed you.

It's a marathon not a sprint, as the saying goes. Keep supporting him and enjoying time with him, be proud of him, tell him you're proud of him. Instil a good work ethic, encourage him to enjoy school, talk to and read to him lots. He'll get there.

I think being a parent means you start to analyse and maybe lay aside what you thought was normal and standard. And that’s hard.

DC (7) processes numbers and words differently to me. As it happens he’s also very bright, but it’s a different type of bright to me (and DH) at the same age. I don’t have that inner window to how he learns that I was expecting.

I was shy at that age. He’s not.

I react quickly and tend to bear a grudge. He doesn’t. I have never been sporty. He is. I’m musical. He’s not. It’s been a learning curve. And I’ve learnt from him, while tailoring our activities to how he thinks and his interests rather than mine.

There are times when I discover I’m mourning what I expect to have been doing with him based on what I enjoyed as a child. I’ve also discovered new interests and new ways of looking at things.

If you look around you you’ll see several cases where the children are very different to their parents. I can think of two talented football players in my circle whose son trips over his own feet. An outgoing, musical friend whose daughter is neither.

But we do all learn from each other and get to see first-hand other ways of being.

I've been a primary school teacher for 26 years.

I have often had to inform high-achieving/middle class parents that their child is average. It's very common for them to immediately ask if their child can be tested for dyslexia; as though that can be the only explanation.

Just to add that any natural ability your child may or may not have can only flourish with support and guidance from parents. Ask yourself if you are really doing everything you can to enhance and encourage your child’s education. Or are you leaving him to it because you believe he should naturally be able and you are too busy with your apparent high flying careers.

Agree with this.

I actually think the most important things you can learn at school aren’t the subjects themselves. The most important things are learning how to work hard, and learning to be nice to people.

If you can nail that, you’re winning.

Also wanted to add, just because you are high achievers doesn't mean that you are highly intelligent.

Some people become high achievers from lots of revising, extra tuition, working over their paid hours. Whereas others just 'get it' and don't need the extra time to study, revise or work. Yet, on paper, both would have the same results.

Or maybe just try to deal with your ego issues, OP.

It is unusual tbh.

ours aren’t at school, lots of my family aren’t academic but are very able / skilled in non academic areas

id be surprised if my children werent

what support do you give your child? What level of involved you have in their learning?

We need to give children the space and resources to find their niche. The world is full of averagely high achievers who were never going to set the world on fire but were bright enough (and their parents had sufficient resources) to be "hothoused" and ended up with boring degrees from relatively good universities and a job in something like conveyancing or the civil service which provides quite a nice life, but they're bored out of their brains because it isn't their passion and they've never been given space to explore what makes them passionate. At some point we need to ask what the end result is that we are pushing our children for.

I feel beyond sorry for your child. How absolutely awful to judge a 6 year old against your expectations of what they should achieve. You need help.

Right, I'm going to take my horror and sideline it for a sec.

My son is a very academic kid, high achieving and motivated. Parenting him to excel is a piece of piss.

My DD is different. She does okay at school but her heart is somewhere else. I'm a better parent for having had her, and she's taught me that the important thing is finding their passion and chucking everything you have behind that. Nurture the person they are!

Kids learn at different paces, my "below average child with considerably above average intelligence parents at age 6" is now an adult, has an excellent degree and doing a very unusual job, think one that it cited as an indicator of being really hard and complicated, not rocket science but similar!

At age 12 she began to pick up, not younger

Good god. I hope you don't express these feelings to your child.

I put YANBU because intelligence is biological and environmental but then I read your kid is 6 so you’re being really silly 😂

I was just about to make this point. I have met many senior board members over the years who are not particularly bright, and that’s being polite.

Lets hope he doesn’t grow up to want to become a bricklayer 🤣 op would disown him.

6 years old?! Yes YABU.