To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

Christ alive....you can't judge how high an achiever a kid is going be by age 6.

Just for balance, I know someone who's dd was put up a year aged 8 because she was so bright. Coasted all through school and is now jobless after leaving school with 3 GCSEs.

@EI12 jeepers!

I wonder if that is because these are the parents who put of having kids until they are older?

Possibly. And again most of them sought help and advice and sometimes people with a lesser education during the 40s didn’t have the same resources. I love reading the research though - he noted that often the parents were obsessive about their child’s development.

Also things can turn round fast dd1 always pretty bright but failed her two gcse mock science (never clicked with it during covid years which none of us realised). We all panicked got a shit hot tutor she worked hard ended up with two 8s for her grades in the actual GCSEs and 8s and 9s for everything else as expected.

Life is long and both my DC have turned things around dramatically, after having their own struggles. Don't write them off at 6, 16 or 26 even.

I knew a boy in my year at primary school who won a scholarship to a local private school aged 11. 200 children took the exam and only the top 10 scorers got scholarships. I knew the girl who came 11th as she ended up at the same comp as me. She was an excellent all-rounder, bright, sporty and artistic. She was also a tad bitter about how she’d narrowly missed out on a private education.

Anyway, seven years later, this boy left his private school having barely scraped passes in his A-Levels. I don’t know why, but I’m guessing he couldn’t be arsed.

Jesus Christ... a person (or a child) should not be valued by how academic they are or by how much they achieve! Everyone is different and our worth is not measured by how clever or talented we are. You should try to love your children for who they are.

Also the top academically don’t often have the best lives. Our most successful local friends both have mediocre a levels and low level degrees from not great universities have fab easy lucrative jobs gorgeous family and hordes of friends. The cleverest lad my father ever taught had a breakdown lives by himself and works in a book shop.

TBH, I’d just add to this even though it’s a really obvious point - academic success does not equal happiness, far from it.

The quality of our relationships in life is the biggest determining factor in our happiness. Your aim for your kids should be that they grow up with good self esteem, confidence, kindness, humour. Any child who has those attributes will have a good and happy life, whatever they end up doing.

A Levels are often a crunch point for gifted children. I went through all of school doing the bare minimum work and coming out with As and A*s. Then I did my A Levels (and was forced into subjects I didn't like) and crashed and burned as I had no experience of anything that required sustained focus and effort.

I have known several people in my life (including a sibling) who were very very average intellectually as younger children - but who went on to great things academically eg Oxford, medicine and so on.

So… I wouldn’t put too much expectation on them at 6.

Oh stop it. Children cannot be parented into achievement if they haven't got it in them. No amount of parenting could have made me a sports star nor even remotely adequate at sports.

I think many parents over estimate their own importance.

Dh realised at 12 he was “on his own”. His parents were and still are quite baffled by him. Still don’t think they fully understand how well he’s done. His mum is from another country his dad staunchly working class both left school at 16. They were certainly not hot housing! His head teacher at his (state) school saw his potential and supported him to Cambridge.

Lol yeah I could've had singing lessons from birth and still sound like a screeching cat 😺

Disappointed? Wow.

I don't know how receptive you'll be to this but I strongly urge you both to get counselling to explore why you feel this attachment to and identity with your child's academic talents. I mean this seriously, not as snark or to be nasty.

This will become obvious to your children, whether you think you hide it well or not, and get in the way of your relationships with them. It will also damage your childrens' mental health. I really mean it, you need to shift your perspective on this.

This obviously matters to you and I hope your DC never realises that. XH and I are both very intelligent, that didn't give either of us expectations about our kids intelligence. I'm intelligent enough to know that genetics isn't the only factor, depending on the study 50 to 80% correlaton in adults, and that heredity and educational outcomes are a lot more complex than that. You could just as well be disappointed that you egg and his sperm didn't pass on the right genes or that you haven't provided the correct environment. I'm not saying it's your fault there's no fault here. I'm saying IQ and outcomes are more complex than just genes.

Also your child is 6, why are you deciding who they are now? IQ has shown to be far more hereditary in adults than in children. My DS couldn't count to 10 when he was 5. I didnt pigeon hole him. I worked with him where he was, he's 8 now and topping his grade in maths, which just goes to show you can't tell at 6. His brother's IQ is in the top 2%, but he's getting solid Bs. I only know his IQ because it is part of the tests done with Autism assessments where I live. IQ isn't the only factor in outcomes and genes aren't the only factor in IQ and you shouldn't be pigeon holing your 6 year old.

I thought further about this. Children do grow and develop at different rates and comparisons are the thief of joy. A six year old's ability, unless there is a recognisable problem, probably isn't indicative of the future. My sister had a boyfriend back in the day. Couldn't read before 11, went to uni though because it all came good. Love and encourage and see what happens. If he's not an academic, he may be brilliant at game design or gymnastics or whatever. My daughter was slow to read-as was I apparently but I had forgotten (sister took great joy in reminding me) but I went to uni as did my daughter.
Hold fire, Kegas and give your boy a hug.

6 is very young to know. I agree with others it does seem unusual that the child of two very academic parents would be significantly less than average so I would bear that in minds
Of course it's fine to secretly be a bit disappointed. In the world we live in now , being academic gives more choice and opportunity career wise which tends to lead to an easier more comfortable life.Who wouldn't want that for this child. I know I do.

They were doing fine if they got to sixth form.

So, conversely, does that mean you expect all children of low achievers to just be dossers? 🙄 Why do we even bother to invest so much in schooling if there's no confidence that the children will excel?

You've written your child off at 6!! How utterly miserable omg

I was thinking the same

As a primary school teacher, I have seen many children who appeared very average or below average at age 11 go on to do spectacular things. One of my daughters struggled with maths but is doing just fine with her Classics PhD! Relax..develop the whole child and see where they lead you. It's far too early to make a judgement and if your child senses this at all, you could seriously damage their confidence or willingness to try new things. My four are all grown up now and have achieved things which amaze me ..not the things I dreamt of..but the right things for them. Wait and see who your child is.