To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

Memories of the late Chris Woodhead, the first head of Ofsted, talking about the appalling standards of spoken English on the Radio 4 breakfast programme, 'Me and John were told............', I almost crashed the car, or should that be 'me almost crashed the car'??

Schools are obsessed with quantifying everything children do and it doesn't necessarily include things like problem solving, creativity, critical thinking, leadership which are harder to quantify but probably more vital for future academic/ career success. Just because your DC isn't scoring highly under the school's criteria doesn't mean he is or will be forever more below average. Are you sure you were recognised as high achieving at that early age? Even if he continues to perform at a below average level, don't write him off. He will undoubtedly have talents in other areas.

That is very interesting and makes so much sense🤔

Dh left school at 15 with no qualifications and I was distinctly average in school but my children have all done very well for themselves in the end.

The highest earner of my three adult dc had only just started speaking at school at 6, never mind reading or writing but he got better Higher/Advanced Higher results than his older brother who was considered a “high achiever” in primary school. Then their much younger brother, who had the Covid years at the start of secondary school and was diagnosed with ASD and DCD finished school with a, fairly unexpected, near perfect, set of exam results. It’s far, far too early to tell who they are going to be at 6. Mine were also all rubbish at sport except swimming at which they did well but doesn’t count for anything at school!

My advice (which you probably don’t want but I will give anyway) is firstly, stop worrying and change your mindset, accept that he’s running slightly below average at the moment and look at whether there could be anything affecting his learning. Make sure he has had his eyes tested by an optrometrist and get his hearing checked. Does he have difficulty writing because his hand get sore. He could be hyper-mobile or just lack muscle strength. Then lots and lots of learning through play. Baking, counting with toys or object, cut and stick to match sounds and words that he is doing. Practice writing them in the sand, flour whilst baking, bubble bath in the bath, chalk on the drive etc. Read to him and with him all the time, signs when out, sauce bottles on the table, comics etc. consider music lessons once he can sit still long enough. Ds1 and 2 started with violin, Ds3 with piano, he’s a great pianist now and loves playing for pleasure. It’s another string to their bow (pardon the pun) and definitely helps academically. Most of all, boost his confidence. Tell him how clever he is and praise every little achievement. He will be fine and so will you.

Oh gosh! Maybe he was swapped at birth!

I get that our expectations for our children can cause us to feel disappointment.

i think that’s really normal to have that thought sometimes.

But i think probably you should get your head sorted around it quickly and stop comparing them to yourself and their dad. And then a can start to wonder at the ways they are different and are wonderful themselves, and no doubt better than you at other things.

children are great at challenging our beliefs and prejudices.

School is very different these days, and a lot of the work is very hard for the majority of the children. I would ask yourself,
Would you both be high achievers in learning todays curriculum.

I know a couple of high achieving families where the youngest members have been diagnosed with processing disorders. Both kids are now getting the extra help they needed

Are you & DH workaholics who leave the kid in the care of school + a nanny and not been keeping an eye on what they do? If both parents are high achievers focussed on their jobs, this is where I have seen the child fail.

They might just be a late developer. It’s a bit soon to be wondering if he is Oxbridge material.

There are lots of things that can affect school performance.

DH and I are both very academically success (not in other ways) and have two DS. Our DS7 is very studious and academically talented, which was apparent incredibly early, but he's autistic and somewhat lopsided towards technical subjects.

Our DS4 had the nickname 'ordinary L' for a long while because he was super cheery, uber friendly and... utterly unexceptional. He's very likeable, but it was impossible to teach him anything and, personality wise, he's a bit of a fruit loop.

It turns out that DS4 is also autistic, but also hypermobile and has possible ADHD. He's sufficiently smart that it shows up on a neurodevelopmental assessments, possibly even as smart as his brother, but you just can't tell because - unlike DS7 - he's not a nerdy kid. He just wants to hang with friends and all of his brainpower goes on that. Due to the ADHD-y and hypermobile elements, he struggles to hold a pencil and has the attention span of a cocaine-snorting goldfish.

It might read like I'm disappointed in DS4, but I'm totally not. They're just different kids. It's unclear which of the brothers will do better in grown-up life because social skills are as least as important as academic achievement. I always say that, if DS4 and DS7 ever set up a company together, DS7 would be the chief technical/operations officer, and DS4 would be the investor-charming CEO. One of them is serious and swotty, and the other is a complete charmer with a thousand-watt grin.

Not that stupid. ASD generally starts to present itself at around age 5 (or younger for some kids). I would agree it’s a bit much to panic about a 6 year old being average, but the possibility of SEN might still be a sensible consideration.

6? Ara stop, they're fine. If you want to spend a bit more time with him at homework time or doing something fun but educational at the weekend grand. Summer camps are a good option too. Keep putting the bit of work into him and regularly stay on top of homework, school things, diet etc. One to one attention is very important at this age. If your working, make sure if factored in regularly. Its all you can do really. I wouldn't overthink it. You could keep an eye on any learning challenges or even eyesight issues too, just in case but I wouldn't overly worry

Or even bullying or social skills can affect performance too. I'd say he's fine though

I was a high achiever because it was the only way out of poverty. My kids, having grown up comfortably, are lacking that desperate drive.

And to be fair, all that high achieving only got me as far as teacher, because I was looking for instant safety and wages, rather than having the luxury of drifting for a few years to find what I wanted to do- like my better off friends.

A couple of mine are like this - when they work as a team they are amazing

I get it. I have always been a fast reader and good speller; both my DCs are dyslexic with slow processing, and one has ADHD. It is hard when they are so very different from you. But it has made me more patient and of course more understanding. I probably used to be arrogant.

Your are being very unreasonable. We were ranked at school in my part of the world. In yr 1/2/3 equivalent I came last or second to last in the end of year ranking. I now have a very professional/Study heavy career. I only got interested near the end of primary school, before that I could not be bothered.

I think the OP has been given a rather hard time on here. She hasn’t said that she’s shown her child that she’s disappointed - in fact, she hasn’t written very much.

The comments that her child is not excelling academically because of her parenting are unpleasant.

A couple of people has said that the child may be good at art / music / drama. I cannot say enough that these are not “soft” options. I am / was academic but I find music theory rather a hard slog (am learning an instrument as an adult). Successful actors are often extremely academic (I am thinking of people like Emma Thompson and Natalie Portman). Art GCSE / A level is stacks of work.

There is a good chance that this child will be absolutely fine. If they do seem to be struggling then it would be worth seeking some help (if only to make school easier and more fun).

A child's brain is something like 20 percent developed at birth and 80 percent developed at 3, and the child's intelligence, interest, character, stability, emotional developed etc etc etc is all thought to depend on the stimulation they get in those 3 years. The theory is that a child who spends time with someone who is dynamic, caring, loving, intelligent, interested etc and are given a lot of opportunity to move around and also are taught various skills such as sport etc, they are going to be more stimulated and more likely to have a more developed brain and abilities. In terms of emotions the more time spend with people they have a strong emotional connection with is goiing to be relevant. And also it is thought that hobbies and interests and character etc, like motivation, is going to be more similar to parents the more time they spend with parents.

No idea how much this applies to your situation though.

I think that people who are high flyers can find it difficult and a commitment, basically, to put their career on one side and to dedicate their brain power to kids stuff for a few years. It depends on what they can afford, too. Obviously there is the emotional pay off for most parents though.

There are other factors too. The national curriculum is different now compared to when we were at school. The pressure on children is different and schools are different and the world is different. Some kids are going to be late achievers because of higher levels of stress when young maybe.

What is the difference in circumstances between your and your DH’s childhoods and your own child’s?

Your poor child.

I really don’t see how you could be worried about his academic record at his age! Kids all develop at different rates and excel at different ages. I was really intelligent and advanced when I was little but just an average student at Uni. My sister was average when little but ended up getting five As at A level and becoming a lawyer. Your expectations are nonsensical when he is still so young.

Its only a sensible consideration if there are actually signs of neurodivergence present. Being academically average is not an Autistic trait.