To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

It’s about current attainment at 6-10 ish not ability IME. Our gifted kids in primary were often in tutoring, being pushed at home, Kumon, etc. Problem was labels can stick & too many think ability fixed.

It is not always a correlation. And if you're both high achievers it can feel like you'd expect your dc to just fly academically like you did.

But it's a humbling day when you realise that your dc are indeed individuals. Please never let your disappointment show.

My dd is dyslexic and so struggles with some aspects of traditional academics. It's shit enough for her to have to get through 14 years of schooling having to work so much harder, when her brother is sailing through with what appears to be very little effort.

My dh found it harder than me to accept, he worries she won't be as successful -financially mainly. After a little adjustment (from him mainly, which he never let on) we both support her in what she is good at and get her as much help as we can to help her pass "academic" subjects too. She's so bright and loves to learn, I wish she found it as easy as we did, but we love her and are proud of her for who she is, even if that means may follow a different path to us (or not, who knows, it doesn't matter).

I'm sure you are supportive yourselves, and 6 is so young anyway, but if your dc isn't like you and your dh that's just as awesome.

Love the children you have, not the ones you wanted, as they say.

If you want to foster them in this way, it's through communication and stories. These build the foundations for language and ability to express themselves.
You need to guide them towards having qualities that encompass "the characteristics of effective learning"
Intelligence isn't necessarily genetic. A lot of high career people think that because they both have a high IQ that they're child will naturally be high achieving and they don't need to do anything. There's a study that has come out that studied parents who worked from home in lockdown. Because they had to work hard to keep the family income, they weren't taking into consideration the child's development and need for communication, that then put that group of children at a disadvantage and behind their peers when it came to reception class.

It's not all doom and gloom, the youngest Oxford professor couldn't speak until he was 5. But if you want you LO to thrive in this environment, you need to put the work in. Not school... You. It's going to be a lot harder than starting this when they are 2 but it's better than writing them off.

You don’t know what you’re going to get.

OP - if you are still reading, you may find in families like yours, where learning and understanding things just comes naturally, where you are just good at stuff like sports after being shown what to do, you’ll have a culture of expectation. “Average” will seem like failure.

but average is normal. Most kids are average. Try to think about how you can support your dc.

6 is still young and they might not have found their ‘thing’ yet. My eldest was below average in English and Maths at age 6 (from her end of year reports) and I probably felt similarly to you (I’m a high achiever too). She’s now 13 and has just got an amazing set of end of year exam results from school, is a talented artist and her organisational skills put mine to shame. She is autistic and was overwhelmed in a noisy infant classroom - she’s is a much smaller, quieter school now and also worked out ways to be able to focus as she got older. My youngest is less academic but has the ability to get on with anyone, is well-liked and brilliant in a team - his social skills I think are going to take him far in life. I grew up being a real people pleaser and feeling that my worth was tied up in how good I was and how well I did at school - which has done me no favours really and I’ve learned the hard way that academic achievement doesn’t necessarily equal success and happiness. I’d look for your child’s strengths and build on them, read to them lots, give them lots of experiences and trust they will find their own way. You can’t change their IQ but you can help them work with and enjoy their individual strengths.

Just what exactly were you expecting of a 6 year old.

A child prodigy?
A musical genius?
Fluent in 5 languages?
A black belt in karate?
An elite athlete, an invitation to join an Olympic team?
A Nobel prize winner?
An acclaimed author?

Seriously! Get your expectations in check & let your child be a child. Wait until he/she is an adult, far,far away from you before you start voicing what a disappointment they are.

Both the father of my son and I aced school, have degrees, masters and PhDs... both now have good jobs with good salaries... My son is developmentally very behind. Not just a little below average but so below that he has been deemed too "special" for "special" school! And I am not disappointed in him at all!!! He is affectionate, fun-loving and brings joy to the whole family. Who gives a flying anything about what things children are above or below average on... What matters is we love them and bring them up to be loving, happy, good people! With all due respect, get your priorities sorted... and accept your son for who and what he is!!!

Inheritance always tends to move towards the average. Two average parents tend to have a child a bit more above average than themselves, two very intelligent parents will have a child a bit more average than themselves etc. Same with height etc. Otherwise we we would end up with people with extreme characteristics.

However, age 6 is very young- I work in a school and often average children fly in the later years and catch up with those that seem to be further ahead and vice versa.

Quoting @FancyBiscuitsLevel :

you’ll have a culture of expectation. “Average” will seem like failure.

but average is normal. Most kids are average. Try to think about how you can support your dc.

And this.

I went to the same secondary as my cousins. We had a conversation recently where I was moaning about my ds's secondary, all the disruptive behaviours etc. I said its not like our school used to be. And they laughed. I was in the top set and they weren't. My ds 's classes aren't streamed. They said all the stuff I moan about happened in their classes - I just didn't see it.

Being a "high achiever" can blinker your view if you've been coddled with similar people all your life.

Yup I was average until about GCSE level then came into my own.

🤯 6!

Did school holidays just start in England? Batshit threads abound.

I think it's scary that parents expectations of their children are unbelievably unfair; everyone has different abilities and potential in different areas. To be comparing at this age and hoping they will do better is very worrying. Of course parents should support their children in achieving their full potential but to be expressing disappointment is very worrying. I know from experience just how competitive some parents are. Describing their 'straight A ' sons and daughters in the coffee room at work and coming in on the day of results bragging about it all. Asking for your child's results so they could compare!!!!!!
All very worrying, to the detriment of the child(ren).
Can you imagine how the children/young people feel when their best isn't good enough???

My son (a summer born child) was significantly below an average all the way through primary and the early years of secondary school- he was in the lowest set for just about all subjects. His father and I both excelled at school.
He was eventually diagnosed with slow processing disorder and allowed extra time for exams etc. From about the age of 14 he started to do really well and is now just about to graduate from a top University.
It’s just too early at age 6 to know how things will turn out.

I do kind of see what you mean OP, not that I think it is ok to write your child off academically at 6, but because I think it is normal to expect your children to be similar to you.

But if you think about all the adult siblings you know, how many are identical to each other or are carbon copies of their parents? It is totally normal for children to inherit a mishmash of different characteristics from
not just parents but wider family. Just as your child doesn’t necessarily have your hair colour, so they’re not necessarily going to have the same skills or interests.

I have 3 siblings and we are all so different in terms of academic ability, academic success, and professional success (which are all completely separate things), and yet we had the same parents and the same upbringing.

My kids are tiny but I can already see that my 6yo is very musical and creative, and physically very daring, whereas my 3yo is more cautious, but logical, loves pattern and numbers. I can’t wait to see how they develop.

YABU to think that you are above average in any meaningful respect.

I think the other thing this highlights is how ridiculous it is that we put so much pressure on kids to be ‘smart’. Academic intelligence is just one form of intelligence, there are so many other important things about a person; maybe they’re creative, maybe they’re kind, maybe they’re confident and a natural leader. You don’t have to be academic to achieve in life or, more importantly, be happy in life.

We need to shift our thinking away from ‘they have to be in top set or xyz’ because quite frankly it means shit. People can do well at school and have their life take a different turn, people can ‘fail’ at school and have their life turn out so well in many areas.

At the end of the day, if you focus on raising a well rounded individual then there are many other ways they can ‘succeed’.

I have a few high achieving friends whose kids aren’t exceptional in the same way. One of the things is they are off being high achieving and don’t invest as much time in their kids as their parents did in them. I probably don’t either.

also at 6 one of my kids was top of the class and the other near the bottom academically really struggling. 4 years later the one who hated school is top of their year and the other in the middle somewhere. Could all change again and I’m way more invested in how happy they are.

You are very brave to bring this up on this forum!
I would agree that it is unusual but not unheard of.
I have 3 children- The first 2 were very much above average academically, the third not so much. Child 3 is a wonderful person - very popular, warm and kind but below average academically, however, they have above average personal qualities which I believe will stand them in good stead in the future.

Check eye sight and hearing if you haven’t already . and help when they are struggling with something though make sure you are using the current methods ( CGP books are great ) read to them loads and take them to lots of museums and zoos and play board games with them . Then just relax and make sure they get to try lots of fun things to . Kids develop at different rates and are not all the same . Our most average at 6 now has a first in a science subject .

This. Give your head a wobble OP, your poor child. Already a disappointment, really sad.

There will always be people above and below the average, that's simple Mathematics,. I seem to recall years ago some politician saying that s/he wanted 75% of children to be 'above average', it made a really good discussion for my Statistics lesson that day! Remember that nothing we read on these pages is verifiable and that it's perfectly obvious that there are those for whom this is just Vanity Road.

Exactly what I was about to say. Accept your child as he is FFS. If he hasn't already picked up on your disappointment, he soon will.

6?! Come on, you need to take a big step back. Let them be a child.