To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

If you read up about inheriting intelligence you’ll realise it’s actually not that straight forward. And just because 2 parents are smart or high achievers it doesn’t mean that the children will be. Environmental factors play a large part.

I haven't read every reply, but presumably you were not a high achiever in English grammar, because you put "me and DH", instead of "DH and I".

Also why does it matter? If he’s happy and enjoying school isn’t that the most important thing?

Don't write the poor child off yet. Einstein was told by a teacher he would amount to nothing!

My son’s nursery teacher told me he had below average intelligence at 4. To the point they were worried about his confidence in school if he was to be put in the same class as his more academic twin sister and wrote to his school asking them to ensure in reception they were in separate classes. By late primary he sailed through the 11 plus in two counties and his ed psych report had his academics in the high 90s percentiles - he achieved all 8s and 9s for his GCSEs.

it is well known a lot of boys hit their academic stride when older. I’m guessing your husbands parents helped him at home with his academics so he could cover the curriculum to go up a grade.

My parents would tell me I was not as good at maths as my older sister and brother were so they could apparently manage my expectations - imagine my shock when my IQ test came back as being in the top 2% of my age group and I was offered a place in a high school to finish that within three years and go to uni at 15.

Honestly, your son is too young to judge him against anyone let alone yourselves. Besides to be blunt if you feel he is average in English and maths - do a bit extra at home to help boost his confidence.

You're very harsh. I have written off all three of my kids over the years, but I had the decency to wait until they were 7 to make that decision.

Is your child summer born?

I have a summer born DC who has just graduated with a 1st form Imperial College. Also for 4 x Astar in their A Levels. I primary school they were completely ordinary, not even in top sets a lot of the time.

Ps my ‘underachieving’ son (doesn’t do well in exams and doesn’t play sport), was always most talked about at parents’ evening because he helped other kids, cheered people up, was standout in being welcoming or friendly etc etc. everyone would say ‘tell me he’s going into teaching or a caring profession, that personality can’t go to waste!’ Life and the world is the sum of all the different people out there. As another aside one of my friends spent his whole life striving to impress his parents. He had the best personality ever and they slowly dragged him down. Don’t do this

Yeah this, I would expect two very intelligent people to have a child that may be less intelligent than them. Also there are loads of genes involved in intelligence aren’t there, not just a few so a child will inherit a mixed bag from their own parents.

😂

I’m a complete loser (in your eyes at least) and my son has just completed his first year at uni with firsts in all seven modules. He’s autistic @urrrgh46 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Pride comes before a fall as the saying goes.

Just below average at school and in sports, with reading etc it’s all pretty normal and nothing exceptional.
It's not clear to me how a six-year-old can be below average in school if their "reading etc." is normal. How are you defining "below average", what exactly is your child below average in, and who's measured his/her level of achievement?

I live in Germany, so my children did not go to school until they were almost 7. My daughter learnt to read fast, like I did, but my son's pace was slower and he found grammar lessons difficult (though his grammar was fine). My daughter hated sports, which are compulsory here for much longer than in the UK. My son loved sports. Both are now adults, both at uni, both doing sports.

Tbf I think it’s a reasonable question to ponder, in the same way someone who is very beautiful may be a bit surprised when their child isn’t. Theres a difference to wondering about something and punishing your child for it.

I found it hard when mine struggled especially DS summer born - because one of his teachers was so dismissive of his potential and because his school year had some spectacularly smug boastful parents with autumnal girls.

Few year later he was doing really well - lots of home support a really good experienced teacher - waiting to pick him up one of those girls came running out saying how she'd done in her test - and got asked who came top - girls said my DS mother top of her voice oh no that can't be right he's thick - teacher went over to have a word luckily DS wasn't bothered - few years before that how he viewed himself and it would have really upset him - a couple of year between 6 and 8 made a huge difference to how well he was doing in school and made a huge difference how he felt about himself.

I was worried when mine struggled - felt guilty as worried they'd inherited my dyslexia - and was surrounded my faux sympathy and little and not so little digs which was upsetting at the time.

All kids are different - maybe look at why you are disappointed OP - is it worry is it people around you - but honestly between 6 and 16 there is huge change - and if he not academic at 16 it's find way though for him that give him a life he wants.

I’ve got 4 grandchildren, now all adult, borne of my DD and SIL - they * are all * completely different. That’s life. 🤷‍♀️

What a load of crap and a whole load of comments saying it’s your parenting style. Bloody hell.

Leo Kanner is argued to first recognise autism in children, autism with children who struggled with communication and simple tasks. He noted that most belonged to affluent parents who were both highly educated and intelligent.

I think you're judging your children based on yours and husbands known strengths . I'm sure if you dig a little deeper you'll find your child might excel in the things ye weren't so hot on . Don't put your child under strain to achieve in areas that's not their interest to save face for you and societal preconceptions. As guaranteed you'll be reaping the rewards of your efforts in a negative capacity in the teenager years of mental health..a 6 year old needs are to play, learn to socialise and develop skills in curiosity .

DH and I are high achievers. We have four kids;

One slightly above average while making minimal effort

One below average while making extraordinary efforts

One significantly above average who tries pretty hard but makes it look effortless because it just all makes sense to him and he wants to know more

One too small to know yet, but seems pretty smart to me.

I have come to the conclusion that intelligence is such a mix of genetics (maybe, a bit), experiences/exposure to stretching things and nature of the child. They all intermingle so much you can't separate them and predict intelligence!

Having said that, some kids are going to be naturally smart regardless of their opportunities. They will eventually shine when opportunity presents itself. And you can probably make an average kids appear pretty smart through education and experience. So with putting the effort in if you can, to give your kids the best chance they can possibly have!

@PeppermintPorpoise this a million times. I was told I was stupid and thick as two short planks by everyone. As I have high achieving siblings. What I am is incredibly creative. But let me tell u those words and the disappointment that I got from every single adult around is still with me now.
i didn’t do the courses I wanted to as I was told it was a waste of time to even bother.

I am now 48. I still remember those words and they still hurt me everyday. Don’t be that parent op

This just isn’t true.

Your child is very young to be writing them off as ‘average’. However, it’s common that parents are surprised that their child isn’t the same as them academically or otherwise.

The trajectory will probably continue on the same path as it does for the vast majority of children based on SATs, teacher assessments and GCSE’s.
Those saying the dc is only 6, don’t understand this or they have hope that they’re dc will become above average.

I expect with intelligent parents like you, you will encourage your dc to work hard and get decent grades & they’ll do well in life, although it might not come so easily as it has done for you and your dh.

What learning do you do at home? Do you model and demonstrate interest in a variety of subjects? Do you actively express interest in different people/cultures/historical events? How do you speak to those who aren't as high flying as you and DH?

I ask, as I worked as a Nanny and recall one particular "high-flying couple" had a very average child in which they were disappointed. This was London BTW, they hardly engaged with them in a stimulating way, they talked down to the cleaner and the builders, they talked on and on about their intellectual and career prowess and had little personality to show for it. Baffled as to the child's kindness, creativity, and engaging conversational skills at only 8 years old, I then met the Grandma and it all made sense, she was lovely and just like her DGC. It was a 2 week job I was pleased to see the back of and have wondered about that LO- who is probably an adult now and i hope a happy one.

The point of the above was to give you food for thought on how you actually model yourself to your child; they aren't you, they are someone else, someone different, possibly creative, active and intellectually average. So what? Also, what does high-flying even mean today? Rich? Educated?

I think some responses are a bit harsh. Of course it's natural to feel disappointed if a child doesn't have the same abilities you have. For OP this may be academic, someone upthread mentioned a very beautiful couple with a plain child, I know a sports fanatic family whose child couldn't kick a ball. This takes an adjustment period. My DC are academic and while I could say these things don't matter the truth is I'm secretly delighted. Life will be easier for them in many ways as a result.

Personality and confidence can get you far in life . If people like you they will open doors for you .