DD’s friend ruined her shoes!

[softlykillingme]

So DD has just passed her driving test and her friend asked her to pick her up and could she please bring a spare pair of shoes. DD has just bought some new trainers and lent her those - she’d never even worn them.

Friend has since then kept “forgetting” to return them. And on one occasion whilst they were our friend turned up in the trainers.

Shes now given them back and they are ditched - there was not one attempt to clean them, the backs are squashed, covered in dirt.

I’ve told DD to drop her as a friend because I said that’s beyond disrespectful but unfortunately she feels like she doesn’t have many friends and would be very lonely without her.

and your question is...

Your daughter is old enough to drive so she is old enough to have a backbone to ask her friend for her own shoes back.

Clearly you didn’t read the OP.

Why would she lend out brand new trainers she hasn’t even worn yet? And why did her friend not have her own trainers?

Your daughter can obviously drive so why didn’t she just drive over to her friends the next day to collect the shoes? Why leave it so long?

Your kid needs to grow a backbone. She will encounter many people like this in her life. Toughen her up.

She won't do that again...

Poor DD. Its a hard lesson to learn.

... and????

I would be very upset if it was my daughter's runners that were ruined.The friend is a CF. Please try and encourage your daughter not to lend her anything ever again. Also try to encourage her to seek out more friends without ditching this one if she is going to feel lonely.

There are no circumstances in which I would lend brand new unworn trainers to someone. Why did she need them? Does she not own shoes? Your daughter was silly to do it and now she knows not to lend people your stuff! Up to her whether she continues the friendship or not. I’d not be keen personally to stay friends with someone like that.

This is a great life lesson for your daughter.

If the friend's behaviour is usually OK I wouldn't be asking my daughter to stop the friendship

However I am hoping your daughter will be more on her guard going forward and that her CF ALERT has been recalibrated...

In your shoes OP (absolutely no pun intended acrually)I wouldn't be too happy w the friend

Your daughters shoes your daughters choice to lend them
Its ok to be a bit annoyed but not up to you to interfere.
Do speak to your DD about not putting up with crap from people though

It's up to your daughter if she continues the friendship or not. She was daft to lend someone her brand new trainers though.

It’s a hard lesson to learn, but I’m not sure what you’re hoping for from this thread, @softlykillingme?

It’s just one of those lessons learned when you’re young. ‘Don’t lend anything you don’t want to lose permanently’ is just life experience, your daughter sounds like she’s old enough to deal with this herself.

YABU. Stop trying to wreck your daughter's relationships and let her live her life.

Live her life with friends who treat her and her property with contempt?!

Lifts, refusing to return property, ruining property

Her mum is right to try and guide her.

your DD is prioritising her ongoing friendship with this girl over the trainers. you may not agree with that choice, but it's her call to make. as long as this isn't a persistent and repeating issue that you DD keeps whinging to you about then not sure why you're giving it head space

Giving advice is one thing, but telling her to drop her friend is way too much.

Stupid to lend brand new shoes but at least she knows friend is a bit of a knob

Speaking as a daughter who was once a teenager not too long ago. I feel you need to be honest with you daughter and tell this (Not)friend is not really her friend & she deserves better. Know from what you've said she would rather keep this friendship. But she does seem a kind generous person who deserves better.

Others have said don't interfere in your daughters life but just once or maybe twice tell her plain - "you deserve better" - then let it go. Whatever you do dont go into protective Mama Bear and challenge the friend about the long term borrowing & shoe damage.

Reading your post what stands out for me is this is not shoe damage its repetitive shoe abuse. Plus her refusing to return them and then when she got fed up of being asked cruelly destroying them in an act of vengeance. (Not)Friend has obviously tugged on the heartstrings "oh let me borrow them/wish they were mine" and then out of jealously of your daughter attempted to take them for herself. When that failed she callously wore them into the ground.

I'm guessing she is jealous of your daughter. Maybe your family has more money or maybe she envies her something else (a boyfriend, happy home, better school grades).

Don't beat yourself up. You are a good mum.

You are not being unreasonable.

Also might add somebody worked hard to pay for these shoes.

I can see if your daughter bought them it might more her call to decide to let it go but if you, her Dad or a grandparent gave them as a gift then it will make it really hard to swallow.

The shoes been given to make your daughter happy and all they've brought is stress and disappointment.

Don't be too hard on OP people as if this had happened to me my mum wouldn't have gone to mumsnet as a wise woman looking for advice and support

No she would have given the (not)friend a piece of her mind!!

Did your dd first ask the friend to replace the shoes? Feels like that would be a more valuable lesson in self-assertion.

And you wouldn't be pissed off? Her daughter obviously has self esteem issues and the girl is using her. Why everyone thinks because she's old enough to drive it's not a problem.

Op I would encourage your daughter to make better friends, is she working/ hobbies/ uni etc.

She lent her brand new ones as she felt embarrassed by the state of the only other pairs she owns - which aren’t many.

I just don’t want my DD to put up with shit behaviour from someone purely because she’s scared of being lonely. She doesn’t have her school friends anymore since they went to Sixth Form and she went to college and they leave her out.

So tell her that she needs to toughen up. Give her strategies to avoid being in such a situation again.

Otherwise the next thing will be her car …

Being a people pleasing doormat isn’t the gateway to friendship. It’s the gateway to a life of CFs who will take advantage.

We all learn the wrecked new trainers lesson at some point when we are young. The main thing, for you her parent to do, is to coach her how to handle the situation in future. And maybe try and boost her self esteem so she’s not so eager to set herself on fire to keep others warm.