DD’s friend ruined her shoes!

[softlykillingme]

So DD has just passed her driving test and her friend asked her to pick her up and could she please bring a spare pair of shoes. DD has just bought some new trainers and lent her those - she’d never even worn them.

Friend has since then kept “forgetting” to return them. And on one occasion whilst they were our friend turned up in the trainers.

Shes now given them back and they are ditched - there was not one attempt to clean them, the backs are squashed, covered in dirt.

I’ve told DD to drop her as a friend because I said that’s beyond disrespectful but unfortunately she feels like she doesn’t have many friends and would be very lonely without her.

Lesson learned. Bit silly giving her new trainers away…
I had a friend who always asked to borrow my handbags, jewellery etc… As she wouldn’t spend on her own stuff. A ruined handbag was my lesson learned. She’s always ask for my shoes (two sizes bigger than me!), luckily we weren’t the same clothes size… Every time I wore a nice necklace she’d say, can I have that when you’re finished with it? Your DD’s friend is just one of those people, she probably has other better qualities!

I think it’s hard being a parent for so many years when your in control of what they eat, who they see, what they wear etc and then all of a sudden they make their own decisions.

I can see how it would be hard, but you need to allow your daughter to figure this out on her own.

Poor kid, fortunately we learn from our experiences. I remember when my son was a late teen organising something or another, buying all the tickets, then either friends dropping out or others taking their time to pay. After that he was still the organiser, but had a cut off date for the money before buying tickets.
It's how they learn that not everybody is like themselves.
Your daughter doesn't need to drop her friend, she will now know not to lend her anything.

@Hillarious
Exactly!

Your daughter has to learn to fight her own battles, no matter how hard it is for you to witness someone treating her contemptuously.

you dont have to do anything but be an ear to her op, i assume you have made your feelings clear about the shoes and the so called friend

I'd talk to your DD about people pleasing. I wish someone had talked to me at that age. I'm still a massive people pleaser and it just results in dealing with constant crap.

I can absolutely imagine the emotion & backstory around this event!
Friendship can always be tricky. We talk a lot here about friends for a reason, season & a life time and we recently added in acquaintances.

Reason - doing a club together, friendship stops if you or they leave the club
Season - useful idea, it's just for a time so when we all had toddlers the same age or we were at college together
Lifetime - they grow out of the first two, so rare, so precious

Acquaintances - recent category for DD, she needs to work with people on her uni course but there's been the odd bit of bitching, this category has taken the emotion and expectations out of a long term, group. They are just acquaintances.

I had some tough times (dropped by toddler mums eventually) but this really helped take the sting out, made me feel a bit more in charge even when aware my friendships were unbalanced or a bit sparse. My teens like it, its positive about sometimes a low level of friendship quality!

If you lend something brand new out, they are never coming back brand new.

Step back and let her sort this out.

You can advise her to drop this friend and she will still do what she thinks best. And you are going to look a bit of a plonker if/when they sort this out and the friendship continues.

Lesson learned here many years ago. Don't get in the middle of a older child's friendship squabbles. Let her sort it out. Firstly it's a life lesson and second, you can't be telling her who to have as a friend as this age.

I agree with you that her friend has treated her with disrespect. I also think such friends are no friends. Please use this opportunity to teach your daughter boundaries. Why didn't she say I don't have a spare pair for you? Why should she be embarrassed? I get it she is young, but going forward tell her to start putting herself first. Can she join some hobby groups to meet like minded people? I think there are 3 kinds of people - one who are people pleaser and 2nd who take advantage of people pleasers and 3rd who are assertive and don't mind looking bad when they know they did nothing wrong. We cannot do anything about people who take advantage, so it's in our best interest to be assertive. How old is your daughter? Can you ask her to tell her friend that shoes were brand new and they are in heavily uses, so would she like to keep them and refund your daughter money or atleast get them cleaned. This friend is a trouble and your daughter will be her follower due to her poor self esteem. So guide her now.

People like to chat. It’s a chat forum. Maybe you got lost.

But she should still guide her considering daughter is still very young. Op does not have to have the final say.

This is a good post. Op, you should share with your dd.

This is a good lesson to learn at an early age. For the price of a pair of trainers, invaluable in my opinion.
sit with her and ask her what’s she’s learned from this experience.

1. don’t lend anything to anyone with either the expectation of getting it back in perfect/same condition or getting it back at all.
2. This shows her how much friend values her and allows her to step back, reflect and set boundaries.
3. She needs to look at what she could do to make new friends.

one of the things I learned young was the saying “friends for a season, friends for a reason and friends for life.” I have taught my children this and encourage them to recognise it’s ok to end a friendship or step back or assert their needs and wants. They know not to hurt anyone deliberately or maliciously. superficially this is about a pair of trainers but at a deeper level reach your daughter these lessons now. As a mum I know it hurts to see your child and their possessions “disrespected”.

Yes, friend has no shame at all. But such people are in abundance. Teach your daughter to not loan anything unless there is a pressing reason or she is happy to lose the item eg an old dress dd does not care for any more.

OP doesn't seem to be advising her dd though. She had just told her to drop her as a friend.

We can do our utmost to protect our children, but at some point we have to let them deal with the not so nice situations.

And OP bad mouthing the friend isn't helpful. What will happen if they strike up the friendship again. I assume the friend is the same age as OP's dd. And by default teen girls have tiffs and by the next day they make up again.

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time @softlykillingme

It's clear from the daily posts on here that people could do with being taught about appropriate boundaries.
I think given your daughter's current situation all you can do is encourage her to be a bit more wary with this friend in future and to try and branch out when the opportunities come up.

Sixth form is a funny time. It's relatively short and life changes dramatically at the end of it.

I agree with you that this friend is a piss take and the cheek of it would set off alarm bells for me too. But as long as your daughter knows to exercise caution with the level of trust she puts in her then it's a friendship serving a purpose for both of them that will in all likelihood fade in another year anyway. There's no point in your daughter being lonely and isolated but equally she needs not to rely too heavily on her as her only friend.

Reassure her that there will be plenty of new opportunities for friends whether she goes to uni or into work.

I am old enough to have grandchildren, but I don't have the backbone to stick up for myself, I can easily issue advice on MN and see clearly what is happening with other people and be certain about it, but when it comes to me, I am hopeless. I am afraid, lots of people are like that, irrespective of their age.

It seems as though you already weren't keen on this girl and are using this incident to get your DD to ditch her, yes she was a CF but she's young (presumably) 17/18 if her mums still fighting her battles on mumsnet.

What she did was wrong but she's a young girl. Did you never do anything wrong when you were young? My friend came on holiday with my family when we were 15 and a week into the holiday she took a photo of herself on my mums digital camera, didn't like it so deleted it and accidentally deleted the entire first week of our holidays pictures. She didn't tell anyone and I got leathered for it. Was that very shitty of her? Of course. But she was a kid. We're still friends now in our 30's and she would never dream of doing anything so shitty now. She could be a long time friend of your DD's don't let her lose her because you're not keen.

Maybe the other kids are avoiding your DD because they are wise to CF friend and don’t want to get involved. If she ditches/stands up to this frenemy she might gain a better social life. And if she doesn’t, at least she won’t be trodden on by someone who isn’t a friend.

Call me mean call me stingy but this is why I don’t loan anything ever…if someone was actually really in need I would buy them what they needed. So many people totally disrespect and ruin your stuff, hoping you’re too polite to say anything. So my answer to loaning is always nope!

Good advice

Never lend anyone anything you want back in one piece. .

I’d be fuming too, OP. I doubt this ‘friend’ is a real friend. I’d see if your DD can get some money back from her - by slyness if necessary, eg ask to borrow some money from her or say she’s going to buy X for her but needs the money in advance. Then when CF asks for the money back, your DD can mention the amount CF owes for ruining her new trainers and agree to call it quits. She should then dump the CF. CF will adversely affect your DD’s ability to find real friends.

Kindness isn’t a failing, but sometimes our default has to be No. I’m way older than your DD but I have a friend who likes to borrow things. They don’t damage them but it was becoming bloody annoying: twice a week, borrowing chargers, kitchen equipment, hosepipes, clothes, etc etc. In the end I’ve just defaulted to “No, I don’t have one I can lend you”. The requests have dropped to practically zero.

That’s a nasty way for this non friend to treat your dd. Tell your dd that it’s better to find new friends than have these loser friends. I bet she’ll be driving them around soon as well. Your dd can say that her shoes must be replaced by the same brand and size. She’ll never hear from them again afterwards. She can then move on and she’ll meet people she is happy to be with .