DD’s friend ruined her shoes!

[softlykillingme]

So DD has just passed her driving test and her friend asked her to pick her up and could she please bring a spare pair of shoes. DD has just bought some new trainers and lent her those - she’d never even worn them.

Friend has since then kept “forgetting” to return them. And on one occasion whilst they were our friend turned up in the trainers.

Shes now given them back and they are ditched - there was not one attempt to clean them, the backs are squashed, covered in dirt.

I’ve told DD to drop her as a friend because I said that’s beyond disrespectful but unfortunately she feels like she doesn’t have many friends and would be very lonely without her.

At your daughter and her friends age I was a bit oblivious to things like this 😬 I'm not saying I would deliberately trash someones new trainers but if I did I wouldn't be able to afford to replace them and it possible wouldn't have occurred to me to do so. Perhaps it's in part because I was dragged up, neglected and came from an abusive background or maybe it was because I was young and couldn't see past the end of my own nose! My friends were similar, so wrapped in our own lives and problems at home that we could unintentionally be hurtful to one another without thinking, possibly because we had bigger things to think about idk?

Anyway, the closest friend I had back then was my friend I'd had since I was about 7 or 8 years old. Over the years (though not so much now we're adults), there have been times where we could have fallen out over similar issues. Times where one of us has perhaps been a bit selfish, unkind or rude. However at 40 we're still the best of friends and we'd absolutely be lost without each other. No one knows me better than she does and no one knows her better than me. We have been there for each other through marriage, divorce, break ups, births of children, moving and all other general ups and downs and traumas of life. I suppose what I'm saying is that unless this was done out of malice perhaps she shouldn't throw away what could be a lifelong friendship over this? people aren't perfect and I'm sure there will be times where your daughter will unintentionally upset a friend at some point, if she hasn't already, would you want her completely ditched over it?

My friends mum tried to get involved with our friendship many a time. I was the "bad influence", of course she only believed this because she had no idea what her daughter was up to (often way worse than I was)! Me and her mum get on great now and I know she's thankful her daughter has the friendship she has with me.

I think you're being unnecessarily harsh and ultimately your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions about her friendships without your interference.

Personally I would contact the parents of the friend. I would say these are trainers I purchased and that the friend abused them, can have them back but we would like new ones bought.

If child is remorseful they will continue to be friends. If not then no loss as never was a friend

This. I feel for your daughter, it's a hard lesson to learn but better it's with a pair of trainers than something more valuable.

So DD has just passed her driving test and her friend asked her to pick her up and could she please bring a spare pair of shoes.

Thats a really bizarre request-I have never lent or borrowed anyone’s shoes! I wouldn’t want to wear anyone else’s shoes and would have said no! Why did she want them?!

Yes, it’s weird her friend hasn’t given them back, but it’s equally weird to have asked for them in the first place. Does she have no shoes?

If your DD is old enough to pass her driving test then she is old enough to choose her own friends.

She needs to learn how to navigate friendships without the interference of her overbearing mother.

It’s likely that the two girls are both financially dependent on their parents still for shoes and clothes.
If that’s the case, I don’t blame the OP for being more than upset. But going on about it will cause more upset for DD who will already be feeling confused and and worried about having to be more assertive in future.
A bit of guidance wouldn’t go amiss, using the exact words her DD should have used to refuse to lend her shoes out in the first place and again, to have refused them back in the state they were in.

As the mum I would also have immediately suggested that the DD and her friend get a summer holiday job and earn enough money to replace the shoes.

If the girl is the same age as the OP's daughter, presumably a teenager, then posters should be quite ashamed of themselves for calling a child names such as a CF.

That is pure bullying.

You know nothing of this child or their upbringing.

Was the friend apologetic?

Did your dd say anything when she saw the state if them?

Will dd say no to any other similar requests?
You could equip her with ways of saying no. “ I would, but my brand new trainers were in an awful state when you returned them, so I’d rather not. Sorry”

I borrowed a very old copy of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam from a friend's mum when I was about the same age and didn't return it.

I mostly just forgot because, at that age, I was so focussed on me I made stupid mistakes becayuse my priorities were wrong.

About 10 years later I came across it while moving house. I'd lost touch with them and moved far away by then but checked she still lived at the same addresss, posted it back to her along with a note apologising profusely for my selfishness and sent some flowers to go along with it. She sent me a lovely note back 'forgiving' me.

I have never failed to return anything ever again and take great care of anything I borrow.

My point is that sometimes we do stupid things at that age - things that do not show us in a good light but that are also not lasting aspects of our character.

If this friend is, on balance, a decent friend and this was a stupd mistake I'd chalk it up as such - and perhhaps it'd be a long time until I lent her something valuable again.

'Child'? Seriously??

The DD has passed her driving test. Talk about infantilising young adults.

Why doesn't your daughter ask the girl to pay for the shoes?

She’s learned an unfortunate lesson but better she learns it now than in 10 years time when she’s considering lending someone something far more valuable.

Why doesn't your daughter return the trainers to this friend and say "Look, I "loaned" (use the air quotes) you my brand new pair of trainers and you hand them back weeks after I asked for them back in this state. I can't wear these so you'll have to pay me for them and you can have them back. I need you to transfer X amount to my bank account/Revolut account by lunchtime today as I have to replace these now and I can't afford to buy two pairs of shoes and only have one wearable pair."

Your daughter needs to toughen up and find her backbone here. Nobody likes being a doormat and being a people pleaser is not going to stand her in good stead.

The DD is doomed.
if she’s stays friends with the trainer wrecker, she’s allowed herself to be walked over.
If she abandons the friend, she’s allowed herself to be bullied by her mother (who is clearly overly imposing her views on her daughter).

Stay out of it. Let the teenager make her own choices and her own mistakes. That’s how kids learn.

I think calling the girl a train wrecker is a bit harsh, she's a young girl, she has learning and growing up to do

It’s all part of growing up to know who to trust and what a real friend is. Hopefully she has learnt a lesson and you can be supportive of her rather than telling her what to do. Maybe encourage her to find ways to make some more friends so she is not reliant on a friend’ who is just using her.

TRAINER wrecker.

she wrecked the trainers.

She shouldn't have lent her brand new shoes and if she was collecting her from her own house why would she need them ?
Lesson learned don't lend her anything again. X

Shouldn’t have lent the friend new trainers.

If your DD lent her brand new trainers to her friend she was obviously going to wear them.
Lesson learnt, I can't think of a reason why someone would need to borrow a pair of trainers unless they had had their house burned down or their suitcase lost.

Oh 😂😂

yeah that's fair, must have been tired

My kids know I would never try to pick their friends but they all know my honest opinion of them. Encourage your daughter to mix more with people at college/work and you might find she finds better people to hang out with.

Not condoning the friends mistreatment of DD trainers - but really 'ditch her as a friend because of this'what a complete over reaction on your part. Hope DD doesn't take your advice.

Why did your daughter need to lend her friend shoes? Does she not own any of her own?! Your daughter has learnt a valuable life lesson. Be careful who you lend your belongings to and what you give them to borrow! There's no way I'd have lent my friend a pair of brand new trainers, I'd never even worn. If your daughter drives, then she's a minimum of 17 years old, and capable of making her own decisions regarding her friendships. However, you need to perhaps give her some encouragement on meeting new people, so she can make new friends. I know it's hard, and I agree this 'friend' has been disrespectful, and not very nice but you need to keep out of it.

Friend had trainers from new and they’re not new anymore.
Give trainers back to friend saying they’re marked and not brand new anymore
DD asks friend to pay her the cost of the trainers
Then DD buys new pair and learns not to be so passive next time