DD’s friend ruined her shoes!

[softlykillingme]

So DD has just passed her driving test and her friend asked her to pick her up and could she please bring a spare pair of shoes. DD has just bought some new trainers and lent her those - she’d never even worn them.

Friend has since then kept “forgetting” to return them. And on one occasion whilst they were our friend turned up in the trainers.

Shes now given them back and they are ditched - there was not one attempt to clean them, the backs are squashed, covered in dirt.

I’ve told DD to drop her as a friend because I said that’s beyond disrespectful but unfortunately she feels like she doesn’t have many friends and would be very lonely without her.

Well, your DD has learnt that the price for keeping a friendship is a brand new pair of trainers. Are you more upset than she is? I wouldn't tell my daughter to drop a friend, just to hold back on doing favours like this. This is where the backbone is needed, to say no. You just say no. No need to give a reason why.

They are young adults. Leave them to it

I did read it what’s your point?

If your daughter is old enough and responsible enough to drive, she is old enough to ask her own friend for her shoes back and if said friend keeps “forgetting” then she needs to be firm and say she’s coming round to get them or not lend them in the first place!

and her friend asked her to pick her up and could she please bring a spare pair of shoes.

She didn't have to take the shoes though.

Why did her friend need them?

I'm derailing a bit, but washing the trainers in the washing machine might help (and it can't do any harm if they're knackered anyway)

"I’ve told DD to drop her as a friend because I said that’s beyond disrespectful but unfortunately she feels like she doesn’t have many friends and would be very lonely without her."

You're not being unreasonable to say that to her but your DD is not unreasonable to not take your advice OP.

As others have said, it's a hard life lesson for her but your DD should ask her friend to replace the trainers. Friend will probably tell her to jog on, in which case DD would be foolish to remain friends, but hopefully she will come to that conclusion herself.

It's a hard life lesson for a parent to realise that our children don't always listen to our advice!

She isn't a friend. But good to know you'd be happy with your own kids being friends with this person.

What @honeyteabee said. This girl is not your daughter's friend. Try and sit down with your daughter and have a conversation that will lead her to a light bulb moment use examples that show someone is being treated disrespectfully. Work on increasing her confidence and self esteem, she needs to work out that friends like this aren't worth having.

What's the timeline here? How long did the friend have the trainers to completely trash them, and 'never attempted to clean them'. Did she have them for months and wear them everyday, because if it was less than that I don't understand how she could have done irreparable damage in a few days or even a couple of weeks.
Have you tried putting them through the washing machines stuffing them with newspaper and letting them dry.

Quick wash in washing machine and shoe tree will sort them out.

I think encouraging your daughter to widen her friendship group so that she doesn't feel that she needs to maintain these kinds of relationships is the priority. I would also keep an eye on that friendship dynamic, I had a best friend who, looking back, sabotaged other friendships I tried to make to keep me dependent on her. Your DD seems to have some self-worth issues which is really common in teens, so helping her feel like she is worth more than this will be how she sets better boundaries for herself. Her friend does sound like a CF though.

Has she not asked the friend to reimburse the cost of the ruined shoes? If not why not?

It’s what the shoes represent.

If someone asks you to return their property, you do it. If someone lent you an item of clothing you don’t wear it constantly. If you return something you return in back in the state it was given to you in - not battered, worn and dirty.

This friend has no shame at all.

But your DD wants to keep this friend. She just has to be wise to her antics and not let herself be put in that position again.

I understand why you’re annoyed but I think you need to step back here. Just boost your daughter’s self esteem and say that’s annoying, don’t lend her anything again. Then move on. She’s at least 17 so needs to figure this stuff out for herself. Having you wind her up won’t help. Say your piece then move on and focus on building her up in a positive way.

Surely friend should pay to replace if she ruined them?

Some people don’t put much store in possessions. Unless there’s a lot of history of this girl taking your daughter for granted/being unkind I would leave it now. I get wound up by this sort of stuff like you do, so I relate! I’ve learnt to take a step back.

They’re dirty not ruined.

Ohhh, a battered trainers thread featuring two young girls!

Can your DD ask her friend to replace the shoes? I think it’s completely fair for her to ask the friend to replace them if they are ruined. I know @redfacebigdisgrace is saying they’re dirty and not ruined, but I’d argue that they are ruined, as it doesn’t like a quick clean will just make them as good as new.

Life is a learning curve.

I have learnt never to loan clothes or shoes I am not prepared to lose. I have had two similar experiences - both with new clothes / both took years to return and came back damaged and unwearable.

2nd - keep her friend for time being but sit down and decide how to make new friends and then reduce contact with said friend.

also I am guessing they are both 17 - likely friend is just being immature and in a few years time when older they might laugh about it.

As she drives she is a young adult so will decide herself what she will do in the future hopefully she will see the true colours of this friend and keep her at a distance

Your DD should demand that her ' friend' reimburses her, those trainers were brand new and not worn and now they look like they have been dragged through a hedge backwards and she needs to do the right thing and cough up.

Your daughter should demand those trainers are replaced like for like and not with a cheaper pair. That will show her idiot friend she won't stand for this kind of nonsense again.

Your DD could do with not lending this so called friend anything in the future.

I would move on from the shoes and if daughter is driving friend about then make sure she gets petrol money off the friend

You are too invested by far. I can see it’s annoying but it’s only a pair of trainers.

Your daughter needs to learn to run her own relationships, and this is a good opportunity for her to do that.