If you have confident children - how did you do it?

[Tiredsendcoffee]

I feel we are in information overload and find myself constantly second guessing everything. My understanding regarding resilience in children is that there are two schools of thought, one is you nurture them and then they feel secure and confident (but on the other hand you might not be pushing them enough). The other is to push them out of their comfort zone so they gain confidence (but that then may leave them feeling anxious and insecure if they are not ready).

My DS has just turned 3 and is becoming more shy and clingy which is starting to concern me. I've tried to introduce changes at a slow pace but wonder if I've been doing the wrong thing.

My AIBU is that there is too much information and it is so confusing, but mostly I'm here for some help with those that have experience. Thank you.

I should also add, I don't think children are particularly resilient and they do seem to get rattled with changes from my observations now having one myself. But is that normal or a new thing?

Does it matter now though? As long as they are happy, safe and healthy that’s all that matters.

you never meet an adult who you think “wow they were shy/confident at 3/4/5 years old”

you clearly are a fab mum to be worrying about this, but don’t. Every child is different!

I have two confident teens. When they were growing up I think the main advice I can give is to model confident behaviour. How is your own confidence OP? We would encourage the kids from a young age to order from the menu, to ask where the toilets were in a museum, to ring the doctors (with support) to speak with the receptionist. We haven’t been afraid to be guided by what they were comfortable with eg. my daughter has travelled on trains independently since the age of 13 across the UK, with changes, to meet family. We have also always had students from other countries to stay with us from when they were 3 and 5. They have grown up conversing with people over dinner that they have just met. We have encouraged both children to earn (a very small) wage asap, my daughter has worked from 13 to her current age 15 nearly 16. Camping has also helped their confidence, cooking round the camp fire, sending a group of kids off to wash up, meeting other families. Hope this gives you some ideas.

I'm of the create a secure base school of thought. I think individuals have personalities and some children may be more cautious and more shy. It can take some people longer to open up or make friends.

Thanks for replying! :) That is honestly what I am worried about, I hate seeing him upset and that I am somehow going to screw him up. Today his best friend wasn't at nursery so he started crying and didn't want me to leave so then I think why does he not feel secure enough for me to go. He's been at the same nursery for a year now and knows the teachers and other children so should feel comfortable.

Nurturing your children and making them feel secure is key, obviously. However, I think the art of allowing your children to fail and learn from mistakes is quite lost in this world of modern parenting where everyone gets a trophy just for showing up.

@shapesandnoise I used to be super confident, lots of friends, friendly to everyone. Now I am an anxious mess after having him, always worried I'm doing something wrong, constantly have 10 things on my mind. Tbh I don't recognise myself.

My kids were v shy at that age and still shy in general. But they are confident within domains where they have practice, so travelling on public transport (London kids) and academic work.

I think a secure base is very important. If a child knows they have a secure adult to come back to, then they can go explore.

I've parented my two the exact same. 18yo is outgoing, confident, resilient. 15yo is scared of everything, won't speak to strangers and can't cope with change. I think there's only so much you can do.

I've always thought that having a secure attachment to parents/suitable adults allows children to go out and explore the world with confidence. Knowing without question that they are loved and have a secure place in the world. It's not about always catching them when they fall but striking the balance between comfort and challenge eg learning to ride a bike because someone is encouraging you to do it but knowing they'll still love you if you can't do it or need extra practice.

@Aquamarine1029 I just saw something the other day where you shouldn't be reassuring your kids and trying to make them happy as then they don't learn to deal with that emotion and become anxious later as they 'fear' being worried or unhappy. But then it also seems counterintuitive as the first thing you want to do is comfort and reassure your child

Thanks everyone for the replies, and apologies in advance for overused words like resilience and anxiety, but just wanted to use common terminology

It's impossible to parent two different child the exact same way. It simply doesn't happen. The children are different people. One is an elder sibling, the other is the "baby." You are a different person when you have your second than you were as a first time parent. Every child in a family has their own unique upbringing.

You can reassure your child without trying to force them to be happy. You can reassure them that being sad, angry, disappointed, embarrassed, etc, is a perfectly acceptable way to feel, and when they can identify those emotions and why they are happening, they can then learn how to manage them.

Personality is the main decider. My youngest is 100% the most confident. Decent schools also encourage independence and confident parents help !

Don’t mistake extroversion and risk-taking for self-esteem. A child can be shy and risk-averse whilst still having rock-solid self-esteem if they know that it’s absolutely OK to be themselves and not be pushed out of their comfort zones to conform with the “this is the best way to be” expectations of random relatives, teachers and peers.

I have one confident extrovert (DD, 19) and one shyer introvert (DS, 15), but he’s getting more confident.

I agree with PP’s that creating a secure base is important (my parents struggled to do that due to physical and MH problems and it definitely made me more anxious because I couldn’t be sure whether they’d live or die at times-and I I had no one to share this fear with ).

Also talking to them and empathizing when they’re worried or feeling insecure. That doesn’t always mean shielding them from challenging situations, it’s more advising them on how to cope with them. My DS, for example is intimidated by certain louder, more confident people at school so we’ve discussed how he feels and whether, tbh, he’s actually interested in being friends with them. Often, his conclusion is that he’s not really so he’s fine with his real friends!

I also stress that everyone has their own path in life and you need to figure out yours, rather than compare yourself to others. That’s why DD is confident, she isn’t bothered by what other people are doing, she’s got her personal trajectory. She also accepts that she can’t be friends with everyone or please everyone all of the time.

I suppose what I’m saying is encourage them to develop a strong sense of who they are.

Absolutely. It’s what can make adult sibling relationships so complex — you each had different parents, and a different upbringing.

OP, I agree entirely with a pp who says modelling confidence, letting your child see you trying new things, and failing without it being a catastrophe, are all key. I’m the eldest child of two timid, frightened people who were afraid of anything new, terrified of authority, reluctant to do anything for the first time etc. My mother was always forcing us to do things, and clearly longed for cheerful, competent, outgoing children, but as her main message to us was ‘the worst thing that can ever happen to you is to stand out in a crowd’, it’s not surprising she produced anxious, shy children.

It took me years into adulthood to unpick all those ‘the world is just waiting to get you’ and ‘you’re going to fail, and everyone will laugh” messages. I’m a confident adult, but it would have been easier not to have to work so hard.

Both mine were pretty clingy as children, or rather, they preferred the people they knew and cried loudly with anyone else, til around pre-school/school starting age. I just let them be like that, separation anxiety seemed pretty normal and one wasn't great at going to pre-school either.

Once they got a bit older, so 5/6 upwards, I would say both were a lot more confident, one thing I've always done is get them to speak for themselves, so if we went out, they had to order off the menu themselves politely, same for asking for an ice-cream, if they didn't ask themselves I wouldn't do it for them which seems a bit harsh but it's important for children to start to interact as independent at a certain age (I think they were about 6 upwards for this), They are both extremely talkative, loved dogs, so would ask people if they could pat their dog and got used to interacting with new people.

I also think modelling confidence helps, but letting them know everyone gets anxious or worried before a new thing, or a big event or performing and that doesn't mean you don't do it, but that it's ok to be worried about how you come across and still have a go. I get nervous sometimes still myself, I don't want them to think that being confident is just a personality thing because it isn't, it's a set of skills that people can get better at even if they find it not as natural or a bit more anxiety inducing than others. You can learn to be a good speaker, or present well or make conversation for the most part.

I agree that personality plays a massive part. I think a parents job is to be aware of that personality and provide reassurance, opportunity and security to a naturally quieter, more cautious , shyer child. But definitely not to try make them into something they aren’t.

Theres so much pressure for children to be visibly outgoing, chatty joiner-inners. It’s absolutely fine not to be like that though . It doesn’t mean there’s a problem, there’s been some deficient parenting etc. And children can be confident in some situations and cautious and more wary in others. Same with adults. I can join an interest group where I know no one with no difficulty, but the thought of going to a party where I know very few people absolutely terrifies me and I’ll not go unless I absolutely have to. I can be assertive in some situations and find it very hard to speak up for myself in others. We are all a mass of contradictions.

100% personality for my two. One takes after me, the other takes after his dad. One makes friends in an empty room and is known as a character, would always be the first to put his hand up in class and loves acting. Youngest will barely speak outside the house, very introverted and would never offer an answer even though I would argue he is probably the more capable of the two in a log of ways.

I'm not shy, I find it quite hard to see all the ways his shyness affects him. People constantly assume he is a toddler because he's small and speech delayed. He absolutely hates getting upset in public and holds all his tantrums for the second he gets home. Quite often asks to leave people's houses and go home if he feels overwhelmed

Well, it's early days but DD at 6.5 is very confident. She puts herself forward for everything. We went to a magic show the other day and she was front row centre begging to be on stage. At that age myself, I'd absolutely have hated anything like that. I was very shy. My parents were the 'be seen and not heard' type. I was always told to be quiet and not be annoying or boastful. I didn't want this for DD and I've tried to raise her differently saying to be proud of who she is and she can achieve what she sets her mind too.
But it's nothing particular I've done apart from praise her and tell her I love her.
Maybe it's in the genes though. Her dad's side are very cocky 😅

3 of my kids are very confident (almost too confident). One is more shy as he’s very sensitive, but he is physically extremely confident. Im not sure if it’s nature or nurture, but one thing I am is quite hands off. I don’t solve their problems for them, I let them climb the trees or the rocks, if they hurt themselves I’m available with hugs but I don’t fuss, if they want to do something I back them up but I don’t helicopter them. I didn’t teach them strangers are something to be avoided, of course they were taught never to go anywhere with strangers but they talk to strangers all the time in the park or on the tube. My eldest has been travelling around London alone since year 7. She is in debate club and debates on stage in front of the whole school, at 15 I could never have done anything like that. We’ve had a few adverse childhood experiences in our family and they’ve come through difficult times with a lot of resilience.

Is it not more that you shouldn’t try to fix everything. Like if they suddenly said that they won’t go to school without their blue socks but they are in the washing machine. They feel sad without the socks. You reassure them and comfort them that they’ll be fine without the socks , you don’t run out and buy them a new pair or keep them home from school.

I always offer an ear and comfort but I don’t try and bend backwards to make the world go their way.

Not read the replies though I seen personality mentioned as I was scrolling to give my two bob bits worth

Confidence is a personality trait I would say in general terms. People that are outgoing are considered confident and people that are reserved aren’t considered confident.

That’s not to say reserved people aren’t confident or confident people aren’t shy underneath but how you present to the world (whether it’s an act or not) is how you will be perceived.