If you have confident children - how did you do it?

[Tiredsendcoffee]

I feel we are in information overload and find myself constantly second guessing everything. My understanding regarding resilience in children is that there are two schools of thought, one is you nurture them and then they feel secure and confident (but on the other hand you might not be pushing them enough). The other is to push them out of their comfort zone so they gain confidence (but that then may leave them feeling anxious and insecure if they are not ready).

My DS has just turned 3 and is becoming more shy and clingy which is starting to concern me. I've tried to introduce changes at a slow pace but wonder if I've been doing the wrong thing.

My AIBU is that there is too much information and it is so confusing, but mostly I'm here for some help with those that have experience. Thank you.

My DS seems to be a mix of shy and confident which I suppose confuses me more. Can be clingy and shy around new people, but equally will wave and say hello at strangers walking past and often is happy to go up and play with children he doesn't know, even older children. I guess one thing about him is he is possibly more cautious than shy. If there's something he isn't enjoying, do I then keep encouraging him to do it or after awhile if he still doesn't like it, let him stop? I think this is where I am getting the confused in terms of when to push and when to comfort.

Right now happy and safe in the knowledge mum is always going to be there for him is all you need to do.

There is plenty of time for you to encourage his confidence.

But understand every child is different, he may never be overly confident, some people aren’t. Even as adults some times all we need to feel confident is knowing we’ve got parents that will be there for us.

@mollyfolk I agree. One of my friends, who’s a lovely person, is a fixer-type Mum and it hasn’t done her young adult children any favors. They’re now not making good decisions, because they have no idea how to navigate life. Mum (and Dad) have always shielded and rescued them.

I’ve recently heard that the eldest (mid-20’s) is in massive debt and yet again, her parents are trying to rescue her. 🙁

Our twins are nearly 3 and so far are totally different with confidence even though raised together. One is more confident physically, going swimming, doing physical activities. The other is more confident intellectually to try new things (like getting alexa to play a song)... we have always encouraged them equally so I think a lot must be personality. And giving them space to go off and make mistakes and fail/fall over etc I think is good for them!

This is how I parent to ensure I am boosting confidence

1. who is the child? Don’t go into parenting generalising your child. They have a personality. They have temperaments and they are also learning from you. They are taking things in from their environment. There are elements of them that will be their core personality and you will see that as they grow. There are also many parts of them that will change.
2. OK now I know who my child is -e.g. cheeky, quiet, love company, enjoys to be alone etc. keep learning with them. The process of you as a parent loving them no matter who they are and no matter their personality builds confidence. My daughter was super shy at 3/4 - all the way until the age of 6. She was selectively mute. I loved her throughout. Yes I did push her to talk, but we also had some of the best 121s. I fought for teachers to meet her where she was and I believe them witnessing us fight their corner adds to confidence (as they grow up be weary of encouraging bad behaviour though)
3. Find out their interests and invest your time, money or both in it. If they love painting, paint with them. If they like jumping around the house, do a sport etc

3 is still young. My daughter is 12 now and so confident! She will speak to adults and say what is on her mind. But she is shy sometimes and a stropy teen. I would say they throughout her childhood I’ve encouraged her to use her voice in her own way.

We nurture ours. However his educators made a point to ask us to let him do more for himself to gain confidence. Kids gain more confidence when they can do more stuff on their own.

I think personality, school, parenting style (i.e allowing them to make their own mistakes/trusting their judgement) all play a part, but I saw a TikTok recently referencing a study that found the most self confident, resilient kids generally were ones who worked from a young teen on, and I can see from my own how that has shaped them. Because let's face it, when you have a job as a 14/15yo, you're going to deal with some shit. Learning how to navigate that is a great lesson in finding your worth, and how you can relate to everyone from peers, teachers, bosses and other members in the community you wouldn't normally interact with.

I have 3 children. 1 x extroverted and confident. 1 x shy worrier 1 x so horizontally laid back, I have no idea

They are all very close in age and I parented them as a group.

I think they are intrinsically who they are. I've always just tried not too think too much about it but just try to enjoy them and delight in their company (harder now they are teenagers)

90% genes 10% gaslighting.

If they get clingy going to something new I'm very much a "nothing to worry about, you'll be fine, I'll be back later byeeeee" type of parent.

I think that means that they gradually build up the understanding that these new daunting experiences are fine. The more they show themselves they can cope with them the less worried they get.

But mostly genes

I would say that listening to what they say, anything they tell you -try not to dismiss it even if other things are going on at the time. Everyone likes to be heard. But you don’t have to fuss or pander in response.

I think personality plays a large part. One of mine is confident. The other two have had to be built up but the confident one started off that way. They all feel like they have a voice though.

My dd 6 is confident, to an extreme. Sometimes needs reminding to rein it in a little. She chats to any stranger, first on a dance floor, first to want to perform something, and goes into a new holiday club (doesn't know anyone) with zero worry.

I have always encouraged her to speak for herself, have belief in herself, told her she's wonderful etc... but I think it's just her personality more than anything.

Lots of nurturing and love, and sport when they’re old enough. Turned my shy 5 year old into a quietly self confident teenager who can hold his own in any situation.

Both of my DS ( age 23 and 21) are very confident but if I recall correctly, desperately clingy as toddlers.

I immersed them in activities, ds1 was/is naturally very sporty and ds2 more into performing arts. I think it's more of the opportunity/ activity that they became involved in that helped with confidence. Both dp and me are very confident people but we both had very difficult childhoods and came out of it in a bit of "fight" mode ( not aggressive but not up for shit off anyone)

I have a pretty confident 19 year old. I totally agree that personality plays a large part here. But, then for me, a secure base is so important and within that loving, safe environment to let them fail and be OK. Let them do challenging stuff, acknowledge in the moment that they are feeling scared, worried, angry, etc... and that's OK.

I think there are opportunities every day for this, from trying a new food to jumping in at the swimming pool, always having new experiences. But also to bigger things like disappointments (friend not at nursery) and sadness. They can't be always be happy, and every time they are not happy it's the perfect time to discuss what they are going through so they can understand and manage their feelings. I think that's the key to confidence and contentment.

Music! Learning an instrument helps with discipline, relaxation, teamwork. Gives them a way to meet people. My DC have had amazing experiences which have developed confidence and resilience. Nurturing and encouraging them out of comfort zone.
And we pray for them every day.
If not music, something else which can be a lifelong passion at whatever level eg hill walking, swimming. They don't have to be the best at something but something they love is a great gift.

The best parenting advice I ever had was unsolicited and from a complete stranger; an older woman with whom i'd struck up a conversation in a cafe. My daughter was a few months old and I'd commented on how I could already see she had a completely different temperament/character to my eldest. Not in a critical way just in an, "I'm amazed it's so obvious," way.

She said, "Parent the child you have. Not the one you wanted or the one you think you should have. Not the one in the books but the one right in front of you."

Someone had said similar to her and she said it had really helped.

The meaning being that theories/schools of thought are great but they are just that - theories. Your child isn't interested in theories. Some children are naturally more confident, outgoing and some children are naturally more reflective and like to sit back to get the measure of a situation before getting involved. Just like adults...

Resilience comes from having confidence in their abilities, confidence that you will he there for them, making mistakes and learning from those etc.

I did similar to a pp - from a young age they were encouraged to ask for the children's menu or where the toilets were. They received support and encouragement. I didn't jump in to solve all their problems for them but gave them strategies for dealing with it themselves. Let them know it's OK to make mistakes and don't be embarrassed by them if they are not doing something in the way you think they should. Don't compare to other children.

When I could tell they needed more from me, I gave it.

I let them see that they could do things by themselves but they knew I was always their safety net.

They had a safe space to voice their thoughts and feelings. And I was one of those 'only on MN' parents who didn't shout. They were told off if they were naughty but it was respectful. I didn't mock or shame them. I listened to them. They felt they had some control. Not that they were in control ever but that they always mattered.

They're now 26 and 18. Both are confident but it took time through repeated experiences of 'mattering'.

Your son is 3. He's very, very little. There will he sometimes when he feels confident and others when the world and the people in it are huge and scary. Watch for what he is telling you about how he feels in a specific situation and respond to that..

Don’t rush to fix things.
Be curious when they seem fearful rather than dismissing (oh don’t worry etc)
Let them take small actions by themselves and small risks
model confidence

anxious parents raise anxious kids.

Kids gain more confidence when they can do more stuff on their own

Yes.

They don't gain confidence or resilience from having someone always be there to do it for them. They just learn that they can't trust their own judgement or that they are someone who can't do stuff. They have to be allowed to do and fail but also that it's OK to fail and try again later. They see that you trust them and that's where resilience comes from.

I was uber shy as a child.
As an adult, I went on to do teaching and public speaking, and can happily stand up and talk in front of a room full of hundreds of people.

I was certainly not mollycoddled (1970s childhood, so pretty strict!), so it's probably a mix of having a secure family background and being pushed out of my comfort zone. Supportive teachers help too.
But the reality is that folk have to work this stuff out for themselves - to an extent, confidence is an act you learn to put on, even when you're not feeling it.

A generally do the second option possibly more with my oldest who is a very confident child. My younger child is shy and hesitant about trying new things though. I don't think we've done anything majorly different.

You keep saying you are worried you will screw up your child. I'm of the thought that we all screw our children up one way or another, nobody is perfect and we just learn to live with it. There's a very small book called How to Traumatize Your Children: 7 Proven Methods to Help You Screw Up Your Kids Deliberately and with Skill. You might find it gives you some perspective on the different types of parenting styles.

Ah I relate! I got like that after having one of mine. I think the fact you’re making this thread shows that you’re aware and these feelings won’t last forever, so I wouldn’t worry from the ‘modelling behaviour’ aspect. Fake it til you make it!

I found the book The Danish Way of Parenting super helpful. The kids need an ‘internal locus of control’ - basically testing and trusting their own limits rather than a parent helicoptering and going ‘careful!!’. Same in social situations, let them go up to other kids and make friends etc.

DD was the clingiest baby/ young toddler ever. The original Velcro baby, coslept, contact napped, always wanting to be on me at any point. I just went with it really, let her cling as much as she needed. I chose childcare around the type of child she was - so childminder, really small setting, very similar to me in lots of ways - DD settled with her really easily.

By the time it came to start school nursery at only just 3, she was straight in without a backwards glance - she’s now about to turn 4 and we’ve never really had a wobble there. She’s very confident socially, will chat to other children and adults happily. Takes on new situations quite willingly, and physically is incredibly confident, resilient and determined - she never bloody gives up once she’s set her mind she’s going to be able to climb/ ride/ get over etc something.

I don’t think we’ve particularly pushed her to do any of these things - maybe swimming which she went through a phase of absolutely hating and getting upset but we did keep at that because for me it’s a real essential. She now loves it, and is able to jump in/ manage a very short distance without any flotation aids.

I think a huge part is just her personality. I would like to think that the very secure attachment we’ve built from day 1 has helped, but ultimately I think it’s just who she is. Also, she’s not even quite 4 yet so I’m aware there’s plenty that could change.

We do keep her fairly busy and she does a lot, has experienced lots of groups, classes, different environments etc. But again, mostly because she seems to enjoy that - if she was a different kind of child maybe we’d do less.

I do try to notice and encourage her strengths/ specific behaviours rather than just blanket ‘oh you’re so clever’ or ‘oh you’re so good at that’. So I’ll say ‘wow you kept going with that even when it was tricky’ or ‘I noticed you felt a bit nervous before we did that, but you still did it - that’s amazing, how did it make you feel?’

My eldest is the same age as yours, but I've taught teens for many years.

For me, no1 is listen to your kids and value their opinion/judgement (in things that are appropriate for them to have judgement on.) Give them a chance to speak.

It's really clear in secondary school when we meet kids who aren't listened to at home. Their opinions are never sought. They're always asking "is this right?" and afraid to put pen to paper. It's illuminating when you meet the parents and see how they interact.

Even at 3yo, you can ask your child to explain their opinions. For example my dd is a fussy eater. But we encourage her to justify her preferences "I don't like it because it's too crumbly feeling" etc and it all helps her feel confident in her opinions. I listen to her suggestions but I still get the final say. So you can start young in that kind of way.