If you have confident children - how did you do it?

[Tiredsendcoffee]

I feel we are in information overload and find myself constantly second guessing everything. My understanding regarding resilience in children is that there are two schools of thought, one is you nurture them and then they feel secure and confident (but on the other hand you might not be pushing them enough). The other is to push them out of their comfort zone so they gain confidence (but that then may leave them feeling anxious and insecure if they are not ready).

My DS has just turned 3 and is becoming more shy and clingy which is starting to concern me. I've tried to introduce changes at a slow pace but wonder if I've been doing the wrong thing.

My AIBU is that there is too much information and it is so confusing, but mostly I'm here for some help with those that have experience. Thank you.

I think a large part of it is personality but if I would recommend one thing, it is lots of free, unstructured play. Take him to playgrounds and other spaces, support him when he needs it but sit back the rest of the time and let him get on with it.

Somewhere between 20 and 60% of personality is inherited. Anxious parents often have anxious kids because it's inheritable, runs all through my family right along with being neurodiverse.

Your DS is very young right now so just be led by him. As he gets older encourage him to try new things, if they're really important ie reading/swimming then keep encouraging and keep going with it even if he's not keen as they are important skills and he might enjoy them more once he's mastered them. You can though try some different approaches (for example going swimming with you rather than having lessons for a bit or taking turns to read pages of a book rather than him reading it all). For anything else let him try it out for a few weeks and then decide if it's something he wants to do or not.

Small steps of independence as he gets older and older - getting dressed by himself, tidying his room, making him own breakfast, making his packed lunch, getting himself to school. Don't over stress it though, I was a very shy, anxious molly coddled child who went off to uni just fine and have travelled the world alone and worked in all sorts of jobs. He will be who he will be and there is only so much you can do to influence it. Support and encourage him through everything, remind him of his successes, and he'll get there.

I have never forced my children to do things before they are ready such as sleep overnight at the grandparents etc. Consequently neither of them have been ones to cry or worry about starting school or doing something new as they are very securely attached. Saying that though my ds is a shy personality, as I was, so I find gentle encouragement to step outside his comfort zone works really well to increase his confidence but also acceptance and embracing his personality type. He will always be gentle and quiet but there are positives to this as he is incredibly empathetic, kind and a great listener.

Confidence comes in different forms. My young adult children are confident in their abilities (one creative, one stem leaning). They’re not loud and would be considered reserved. As young children they were very much the hide behind mum kind of children and I did use to worry a bit about that. Just make sure he feels safe and secure and confidence will build naturally. A lot of outwardly confident people are actually an insecure mess and cover it with bravado. A lot of reserved people are actually quietly confident.

My adult daughter and teenage son are confident. Both have had stages of being incredibly shy and and my dd had severe anxiety in her teens.

My thoughts have been giving them a secure home life that’s consistent. It hasn’t been easy. Their Dad had a massive mental health break, became abusive and we had to leave. He refused help and now lives off grid and rarely sees them.

When he was seeing them there was very little stability. A parade of girlfriends, who usually had kids each tried to convince them, they should accept as siblings, constantly living house etc.

I have had one dp, who doesn’t live with us. But lives down the road and does support them and me when we need it. He will be there when ds gets home if I can’t. He is an extra person for them to go to. He doesn’t act like their Dad, but makes sure they know he is there if they need him. Dd and her friends getting harassed by a man in Leeds a few weeks ago and as soon as dd called me he was in the car on his way for them. He asked where they were, said to stay in a public place and he would call her when he was nearby.

Since he stepped back and they have consistency at home with me (it’s been about 5 years) they have really come out of their shell. Ds took my mums death really badly and we had a few steps back there. It shook his world. He is autistic and he didn’t realise people could die without being ill. Everyone he knew who had died was ill and we had warning. They could be here one morning and gone that night. It made him very afraid that his grandad would die in the same way, or I would, or his sister would. But we made sure he had an outlet for those feelings and could express them. We talked him through mums death certificate and explained it all to him. Allowed him to ask questions. Allowed him to be sad when he missed her. Helped him through some panic attacks. I was honest about my feelings. That I felt I was panicking and could breathe when I thought about not seeing her again.

I tried to recognise what each child needed and help them in a way that works for them. But as they have got older I take the road of supporting them to deal with situations themselves. I will get involved if they need me to. Give advice if they need me to. But ultimately support their decisions. Luckily neither have made a decision I really disagree with or are dangerous.

That said, I think there’s luck involved. The nearest school to us has been incredible with Ds and he has really grown in confidence since moving there from primary. They are very supportive of his autism and that’s really helped. It was lucky that was the school he got. Dd has had the same core group of friends since she was 4. One even went to the same Uni and they flat share. That’s luck.

I have been able to grow my career in the last few years so I can afford to pay for additional things for them. Dd recently was able to borrow my employers accommodation in London to attend events with prospective future employers. That’s been a lot of luck. Her Uni has been incredible for her and she has had opportunities that have been incredible. She has also chased down many opportunities herself.

and of course their Dad could have carried on causing chaos in their lives.

Plenty has been down to luck. Even my choice of how to deal with an individual situation. I think as parents we can only do what we think is the best thing at the time. How it works out is anyone’s guess.

Mine are confident though 1 is and always will be naturally shy.
Though shy she is absolutely determined in her own mind and not a pushover.
I have always been loving but slightly neglectful. By which I mean I leave it up to them to pack their bags (from aged about 5), let them make decisions about something's but equally sometimes they just had to do what was happening if they wanted to or not.
From a young age I encouraged them to do small things like pay at the shop or go and ask for ketchup at a restaurant. I let them make mistakes and though this has resulted in some issues they have learnt so much. They walked to school on their own from year 3, they went to park and shops at aged 9, to the city centre by 11. They travel all over town. I have encouraged sports as even though they aren't amazing at then they learn how to lose and get back up again They have responsibilities in the house so have been cooking a family meal from aged 10 every week.
I don't over engage with school stuff or friend ship stuff and when things fuck up I try and get them to work out why.
I do think that some kids are really over parented and they never are left alone to mess up.
At 3 though they need to be loved as well as put in lots of different situations and experiences.

I think both are true and it’s situational and how you apply them. It’s also about modelling this yourself. For example my daughter age 2 is generally quite confident and outgoing. She’s very scared of getting splashed in the swimming pool. I don’t like getting my face or hair wet. I suspect she’s learnt this from me. At the park I notice other parents often interfering in their child’s play, helping them climbing, telling them to be careful etc which I try not to do, I encourage her to do herself

My mother was always forcing us to do things, and clearly longed for cheerful, competent, outgoing children, but as her main message to us was ‘the worst thing that can ever happen to you is to stand out in a crowd’, it’s not surprising she produced anxious, shy children.

This poster has hit on something really important. A lot of us are subconsciously trying to fit in and not rock the boat: in work, in our marriages and social lives.

Up to a point this is rational behaviour but I think it’s really important to model a bit of fearlessness to children and a bit of a sense of not giving too much of a shit. A sense that it’s good to try things and it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t work.

Particularly girls. Girls will spend so much of their lives having their confidence subtly chipped away at by men and boys and patriarchy in general. They need as much self confidence as they can muster.

I got very mixed messages from my own mother: she talked the feminist talk but was a career SAHM and a naturally timid person who deferred to my dad on most things. Presumably because of her own upbringing. To her credit though she never instilled in me any of the historical girl mum crap about “not drawing attention to yourself”, or “it’s nice to be important but it’s more important to be nice”. At least she did what she was capable of to push my confidence.

On this point, it’s not about failing to comfort your child. It’s about showing them not to be afraid of their negative emotions. So eg if they are sad about something you obviously give them a cuddle bit instead of saying ‘no no it’s not sad really everythjg’s fabulous ‘ and denying their sad, you can say ‘yes it’s sad isn’t it’ and let them experience those feelings, and then if it’s appropriate give them
somerhing else to think about. Letting them feel what they feel, without wallowing in it or running away, is importantly. It doesn’t mean you getting all
enotional too, and overwhelmed with their feelings, but allowing them to feel what they’re feeling without being scared of it. In the nursery situation you describe you could agree that it’s a shame friend isn’t there. Give him a minute to be sad, then find something else at nursery he likes, remind him of that, tell him how much you love him and how you can’t wait to see him later and leave with a cuddle and a smile

Aw he is 3, they are full of contradictions at this age! I've got a 4 year old and she can be the same - shy with people she knows well, and randomly really comfortable with some strangers. I think the advice early on was the best - work in your own confidence so you model what you want them to be, and then just love them and hug them no matter what confusing behaviour they're doing that day. Another thing I'll add is that I was surprised at how shy many children are at that age. I had the impression that many 3 or 4 year olds are confident chatting to other people they don't know so well, but most of the ones I know well (DC, her friends, nephews and nieces) really weren't. I think it's just that the confident ones are more obvious and you don't notice the shy one clinging to their parent's legs.

Boundaries. Children (including teens) bloody love boundaries. They need to understand that as part of a functioning family there are rules of behaviour they need to adhere to, set those rules out and model the behaviour.

Home is a safe and secure place from which to venture into the world, come back to and venture out into again. The world isn't a scary place but, again, there are rules and behaviours to adhere to. Especially at school where you mustn't be an uppity shit to your teachers.

Read to and share books with your children and that will give them a solace they can always tap into.

Don't catastrophise things. Nothing in life is really that big a deal.

The situation you describe at nursery is a totally normal thing for a 3yo but it sounds like you are attaching way too much emotion to it. 3yos are pretty self centred. Your ds likes to play with his friend at nursery, he arrived and something was different so he didn't like it, you've then gone into overdrive about him not feeling secure enough to be left. Really, he just met an example of the world not going his way and he needs you to teach him how to move on. So, a breezy "Don't worry I'm sure x will be back tomorrow, how about we check out this digger" then cheerily wave goodbye will show him that it's all ok. Hang around anxiously hugging him and he will think he needs to be more upset. It's the same when kids fall over, they look at you and if you smile and say 'whoopsie daisy' then assuming they aren't actually hurt they get up and run off to play, if you rush over shouting 'oh my god, are you ok baby' they ball their eyes out. Obviously, if really hurt then you roll out the cuddles and the love etc.

You say that you have become very anxious, in my opinion the best thing you can do to help raise confident children is work on that. At this age they just need you to be sure of yourself and frankly as long as you are providing for their needs, being loving and not hurting them then there is no right or wrong way to do it and you won't screw him up.

@Tiredsendcoffee I think it's really common to become more anxious post children. Evolution means we've got inbuilt instincts to keep our kids safe, but in our modern world it's really hard to interpret that. I don't think we really talk about that aspect much, motherhood basically makes you a bag of nerves!

On the subject of resilience, I've been listening to "Do hard things" and it's really interesting - your local library might do free books/audio books https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0063098628. It's partly about reframing problems as challenges that can be overcome rather than threats, aimed more at adults but might be interesting.

Resilience and confidence are two different things. I have confident girls but they are not particularly resilient.

It a about trial and error and give and take. I did both school of thoughts you mentioned and made many mistakes but my husband and I have consistantly told them

• i can give you a fish and you eat one day or i can teach you how to fish and you eat everyday - they hate my fish story but i tell them it is a true one and I swear by it 🤣
• you learn from your mistakes
• whenever you te ready we are 100% behind you
• i have learned so much from them so we have always told them that we genuinely love the way they think
• they have won many negociations again we genuinely had to relant because they made their point wnd it made sense
• we have consistantly been cross at the same things: me manners and my husband honours and taking pride in your job whatever that can be
• i have also age appeopriately push them in the deep end: staying with grandparents abroad (they bilingual ans bi-cultural) alone from a young age; going hiking in the alps with dad for a week since they were 9 and 10; doing horse riding residential camps; flying alone; taking trains with changes alone - this year.
• from the age of 9 i have never packed for them: it started with us making a list together and then they packed to then doing it all. It meant we ve had a few holidays when I needed to buy socks or pants as werent packed but thats part of learning.

and also many mistakes along the way and apologising; and many arguments when they would have preferred for me to do it for them.

Oh and just to say. Be prepared as having confident teens has a flip side: they talk back, they know it all, they give you life lessons and you are always embarrassing and a nutcracker to them 🤣🤣 sometimes I tell them my lofe would be easier if they had gone to convent school 😝😝😝

Perfectly normal behaviour for a three year old. I have a very confident 16 year old. I have led by example and encouraged him to try new things. He has been brought up with consistency and routine which I think is important for all aspects of raising a child.

That is true. I’m incredibly resilient, even as a child, but not confident.

I would also say it’s a personality trait. I’ve parented all of mine the same and they are all very different.

DC1 was a very shy nervous child by nature, and although he’s still the same to an extent he’s also very popular, kind and easy to get along with. Shy isn’t necessarily a bad thing!

Dh and I are both confident and outgoing, so we kind of thought the kids would be. We gave them opportunities etc. Modelled how to be confident. Gage strategies.
Dc1 is awaiting an autism dx, he's apparently on a list, but he ticks a number of boxes. Mainly social anxiety. If he could hide in the background and only every have to speak to 3or 4 people, he would.
Ds2 was shy and clingy as a kid, became confident and has now been hit by a double whammy of high school and the kids on our street being twats. Social confidence is at an all time low there.
I feel I've done all I can do and they're going to have to help themselves a bit now.

Not just the confident ones- I get this from a kid who's too scared to go to a supermarket! Takes all my strength not to retort with that.

Your little boy sounds very normal. All 3 of my children have at times wanted/needed to be very close to me. This has manifested in behaviour as your describe in your son, wanting to come into our bed and just needing to be close. Although I'm not a massive expert, my approach has always been that I give them what they need. Obviously I couldn't not go to work if there was a sad nursery drop off, but if they want to cuddle in my bed they can, if they want me to come to a group with them I will. I think children build real.resiliance and confidence when their primary carers and home.setting are safe places where their needs (not necessarily wants!) are met. So I'm.quite firm about giving them.new things or treat snacks, but never withdraw myself from them if they need a cuddle etc. I wouldn't be comfortable just chucking them into loads of difficult situations to toughen them up. The normal rhythms of life have provided plenty of opportunities in the form of play groups nursery, school, classes etc.
As they have grown older, I can see that they all have very different personalities, but I'm confident that they will all be able to set out into the world with confidence and knowing that we are always there for them in the background. Some are.more outwardly 'confident' but they all have a strong sense of self.
Your son sounds very developmentally normal and as he struggles with different settings and separations, just make sure that there is lots of love and affection and be responsive and supportive with things he finds difficult. He'll do it all in his own time and in a more healthy way when he knows you are always his safe and loving person. Good luck.

Wow everyone, thank you so much for all of these comments, advice and insights. It means so much, I would love to reply to all but I don't think I can. I am reading them all!

Praise effort, not results

Growth mindset eg "you can't do this yet", not "it's too difficult"

Failure is part of life. And it's ok to make mistakes, feel sad, feel lonely etc at times. IMHO, we do our children a disservice by trying to ensure they're constantly happy

3 kids, all shy to start out with.

I had zero confidence for all my childhood, because my dad would tell me everything that was wrong with me, for hours, what a horrible human I was etc. I had no emotional anchor, felt no love, felt zero security for several decades. The kids I knew at school that were confident were loved and had a secure, stable home, both single parents or otherwise. They were simply loved. I swore I would do that for my own children, so I've tried to make sure, growing up, that they are told every day how loved they are, how much we love the people that they are etc, and that they will always have a stable, secure, loving and happy home with us, no matter what. But that I will never force them to do anything they don't want to do, but I do expect them to at least TRY something new (which is how I got them into Scouts).

They were all shy for their toddlerhood into the older years, but I got them to join a few clubs outside of school and encouraged them, stayed with them when needed but also left them on their own with the clubs/friends to encourage them to be independent. Scouts worked wonders for their confidence, and was the best investment I could've ever given them.