If you have confident children - how did you do it?

[Tiredsendcoffee]

I feel we are in information overload and find myself constantly second guessing everything. My understanding regarding resilience in children is that there are two schools of thought, one is you nurture them and then they feel secure and confident (but on the other hand you might not be pushing them enough). The other is to push them out of their comfort zone so they gain confidence (but that then may leave them feeling anxious and insecure if they are not ready).

My DS has just turned 3 and is becoming more shy and clingy which is starting to concern me. I've tried to introduce changes at a slow pace but wonder if I've been doing the wrong thing.

My AIBU is that there is too much information and it is so confusing, but mostly I'm here for some help with those that have experience. Thank you.

I honestly think it comes down to the child's individual personality. I have a 6yo and a 3yo and they both seem confident, the 6yo especially. She has never had any problems going up to people if she wants to ask a question and she never seems to doubt her ability to do something. Sometimes I wish she was a bit more cautious but I'm sure that confidence will work well for her when she's older if she can keep hold of it. My 3yo is a little more unsure but if he's shown how to do something, he becomes more confident and he definitely follows his older sister's example. There must be something in creating a secure environment for confident children but I do think some kids are just more confident by nature.

I agree with PPs that the child has its own personality and that’s a big part of it. But 3 is an age of rapid development and change, and they can develop sudden characteristics that they grow out of in a few months, then something else comes along. I wouldn’t worry too much about a 3yo becoming clingy, unless it persists for a long time, is very disruptive or was caused by some very upsetting event.

I teach university students and the numbers who have no self confidence is unreal. I think mostly it comes from parenting. Kids aren’t allowed to do anything on their own any more and to fail at anything. They need to be set tasks (age appropriate) and be allowed to take risks and learn to assess risk for themselves. As others have suggested, getting them to speak up for themselves is a brilliant start. Make them responsible for a couple of things around the house and praise their effort not achievement

Not just around the house. Children don't thrive unless they're being given freedom which involves a certain amount of controlled risk.

So get them climbing (in controlled conditions, such as walls, low/ high ropes trails), throw them in the water (with you in it to watch them), let them cross a road by themselves, make them speak to the librarian or shopkeeper, send them to the shop when slightly older, let them explore a nearby town with friends in their teens. Don't speak for them. As soon as they can talk, have them speak to others.

Play games and let them fail and succeed based on merit. My 8-year-old was ecstatic the day she beat me at chess for the first time, having failed 100x before. Genuinely beat me; I didn't let them win. Play sports and let them experience incremental success. They will start on the bottom rung and get better. Let them do chores and experience the consequences. Even some video games help.

Every confident person knows their strengths and their weaknesses. The more children know about their own, the more confident they will become.

Be their constant. If they 'need' -be there. Creat a sanctury at home. Absolutely no reprimanding. You creat certain routines / times which flow along . You creat a safe / interesting space to live. Be a great example/ role model. .Teach Fun things/ have fun adventure...Do all this and they will grow big and go out into the world, be captains of industry.

At 3, it's definitely creating a safe base stage. I'd let my dc run around, walk across logs and climb up trees and climbing frames. Just some physical and appropriate achievements.

I'd also give them some chores like laying the table and helping to tidy up.
Chores are linked with self esteem and gives a really good attitude of mucking in and getting things done. Increase the chores as they get older and it will serve them well as adults.

Don't let them give up easily. If you know your dc enjoys an activity once they're there or you can see the benefits of it, keep them at it even if they moan about it.
You'll know if they actually don't enjoy it so of course, no point in forcing it.

Helping them with school work helps confidence at school. I did a fair bit of extra work with my dc. Not tiger mother level but enough so they knew what was going on in school and were working a bit ahead.
It also gives a desire to do well.

Get them to order their own food and drink when out or to ask where something is.
Have lots of conversations with them and discuss topics with them so they have an opportunity to share their opinions.

Don't "rescue" them if they can do something themselves. Encourage them to keep trying.

Take them out to museums and places where they can learn about the world. Read interesting books and watch documentaries.