If you have confident children - how did you do it?

[Tiredsendcoffee]

I feel we are in information overload and find myself constantly second guessing everything. My understanding regarding resilience in children is that there are two schools of thought, one is you nurture them and then they feel secure and confident (but on the other hand you might not be pushing them enough). The other is to push them out of their comfort zone so they gain confidence (but that then may leave them feeling anxious and insecure if they are not ready).

My DS has just turned 3 and is becoming more shy and clingy which is starting to concern me. I've tried to introduce changes at a slow pace but wonder if I've been doing the wrong thing.

My AIBU is that there is too much information and it is so confusing, but mostly I'm here for some help with those that have experience. Thank you.

For DD the key was the allow her to be , while encouraging her to try stuff (it probably helped that I rarely misjudged and she actually hated something) while allowing her control in saying no or not again. 99% of the time she had fun and it all was ok so she started trusting herself and me more. As she grew we also had talks about missing out because she won't put herself forward and it finally started to sink in.

There's still plenty of overthinking going on , but it's over small stuff .

@YouJustDoYou how wonderful! That is a really inspiring story of you overcoming a crap childhood to really deliver for your kids, thank you.

I also agree that I do think it is a personality trait and probably one of the reasons I struggle as it is so different to mine and my family. But DH is very much like this so it does make sense. He looks like my side, but when I think about it he is much more like his Dad.

I disagree with this. I find my 5, 3 and 1 year old very resilient. We've moved from Africa to the UK, back to Africa. We've moved house 4 times in the past 2 years for my husband's job. We've moved closer to family and away from family. We've lived a one bedroom apartment (so all in the same room and in a 4 bedroom house with more space.
I've never seen any problem or behavioural issues in my children with chenges.

People often ask me if the children felt our transatlantic move and I always say 'they're in the same family, same parents, same love, why would the environment disrupt them'. I was scared for the move because everyone tells you they'll act out or become clingy but I've honestly not seen any any difference.

I am one of 5 siblings and we're all confident. If you ask my mom she'll say it's because she was always there. We were allowed to play and explore, but when never had to look back and find out mother gone.
I think my own confidence might also play a role in my kids'? I'm assuming if an anxious mom raises kids they're going to be more anxious?

Coming back to my mom's point I recently listened to a podcast from Erica Comisar -- GOLD!
She spoke about the anxiety crisis in young children and how it's skyrocketed.
She highlights the stages of childhood development and how we are really supposed to be with our primary attachment figure in early childhood. And how the mental health crisis is spiralling out of control because kids are placed in nursery where they have to compete for attention and are overwhelmed.
I have to say, from my own experience in school (the children around me, we could sort of know whose mom's where SAHM) and in my pediatric occupational therapy practice , I can normally tell you which kids where in nursery from a very young age. Anyway I think as a society were doing our kids a disservice. They're not supposed to be in a nursery at 6 or 8 months. Daycares were started to keep factory workers kids safe, not be used en masse.
Cue the, my kid was in nursery from 8 weeks and is super confident
Please do yourself a favour and listen to Erica comisar

I co slept as long as they wanted to, let them come and sleep with me when want to, I validate their feelings and as much as I hate the label, I practiced attachment parenting with them. They knew I was always here so they have the confidence now to be themselves.

Everyone told me I'd have clingy children who wouldn't leave my side but I have the opposite

I often find with my children I'm projecting. I know I'm thirsty when I keep shoving drinks in their faces, for example. Could this be YOUR anxiety you are experiencing but feeling it as a problem for him? I'm not being critical of you, more saying that's a natural thing to happen. But you could disentangle your adult feelings of anxiety from his 3 year old reactions. He might cry when his friend isn't there. Big emotions, right?! It's probably the equivalent of being dumped or having a holiday cancelled to a 50 year old. A day of his life is worth about 3 years of mine in terms of the experience it compares with.
But that doesn't mean he is not resilient. Just comfort him and let him be him. The only thing that seems key for humans is having their emotions validated.

Don’t overthink it. Dd is 11 now. She was quite a clingy, reserved, risk averse toddler. She’s very confident, outgoing and social. I think it’s partly down to personality (she just IS outgoing and sociable which comes across as confidence) and partly down to making her feel secure when she needed it. I didn’t push her to ‘be brave’ or tell her to ‘stop crying’. I let her feel her emotions and was there for her.

As they get older, it’s also about being open and talking to them to help them navigate difficult situations. I’m a very open person. I don’t bury my head in the sand or leave difficult conversations unsaid. When she’s had tough stuff come up with friends (she has a couple friends with difficult home lives and we’ve had to make a safeguarding report, for example), we talked about it, I encouraged her to speak up to her teachers, I modelled that by also speaking to the teachers, praising her for supporting her friend and speaking up. But I don’t think it’s like something you can plan at 3. You just model that and support them through it as situations arise where they build those skills.

3 is too young to determine whether they will have a confident personality or not. There are probably extremely shy children who might not change much but I wouldn’t worry too much.

I think it’s a personality trait to some extent and just involving them in everyday tasks will help build confidence of it doesn’t come naturally.

Yes this is so true, because that's exactly what I did. Stayed and hugged him, to make it worse then the teacher commented on it too so made me feel worse about the situation. I'm good when he falls and he'd fine with that, but haven't nailed anything else yet. I am sure he is picking up on my anxious vibes.

Open communication, leading by example, not pandering to every little grumble and upset, teach a bit of reliance, don't have such rigid routines so that change isn't alien

Such a good point! My first job was retail, doesn't that help you form a thick skin!

My brother was a very shy child (he's fine as an adult) but I was always very confident. We had very similar upbringings. I think a lot of it comes down to nature, not nurture.

My older 3 children are confident outgoing and are able to adapt themselves to the situation they are in..I truly belive this has come from playing team sports outside of school. They have a group of friends they have to make the effort to maintain contact with. The youngest is not interested at all. She is confident in a completely different way. She is wilfully and stubborn. Whereas the older 3 are what I describe as "casually confident" like they take everything in their stride and maintain a curiosity to their surroundings.

I also make sure to explain the correct definition of something. Even this week one was listening to a central C song and they referred to "Traps being open on Xmas day" and asked what this was. I explained it to them. I am aware that they all have Internet access and may be told the wrong thing on line.

Me and DH have also worked hard to make a life in the UK and be confident adults. Even when we don't feel it. Imposter syndrome.

And I agree from the poster whi said working. It's important to work. That builds a whole other level.of resilience.

Being in crèche and wraparound care where they had to speak to other adults helped. Also allowing them to talk, listening when we have family dinners etc

I think the most important thing is making sure he's secure. He's too young to be forced to do things he's not comfortable with but give him lots of praise for things he's good at.
I don't think it's as simple as deciding to raise a confident child, all children are different and have different personalities. I was a shy child and still quite shy but i am very resilient and confident in situations I feel comfortable in.
My children are similar I think. At the moment we're working on ordering for themselves in restaurants!

You're absolutely right. I myself noticed his friends bag missing and assumed he was sick, then went into a bit of a panic thinking my son would panic. Cue my son then looking confused, the teacher then saying something and reacting, me trying to act all is ok. Ugh, total fail on my part. But yes, you're absolutely right.

My kids are confident teens, and we have been purposeful about building resilience by giving them regular opportunities to step out of their comfort zone and rewarding their efforts. If they wanted stuff from the gift shop on a day out, they needed to go in the queue and pay for it themselves or not have it, a simple calm choice. They ordered their own food at restaurants from a young age and we also equipped them with life skills such as swimming, making a sandwich, putting on their bedding etc which made them feel capable.

That said, we are a confident, extraverted couple, both DP and I are big personalities who enjoy connecting with people so I don't know how much is nature and how much is nurture tbh. I do think though that anxiety breeds anxiety and, based on my own observations only, the people I know who are 'helicopter' parents who do everything for their kids in my social.group, seem.to have the least confident teens.

Very true

@decionsdecisions62 that's true. Resilience comes from experience and dealing with situations.

I would say I'm quite Resilient due to dealing with some serious things since young. I would also say I'm confident because I had to trust myself to deal with these situations.

Completely agree with you

They are what they are. One of my twins is incredibly confident and outgoing. The other is very shy and anxious. They have had the same upbringing, same class at school and same experiences. This didn’t develop over time, it was clear from age 18m up, if not before.

You need to teach them social skills. Most valuable lesson ever. My mother instilled these in us was utter cringe at the time but gets you far in life. Far more important than violin lessons and further maths. You need to
model this too. Save yourself thousands in private school fees 😀

I have three boys. 15 yo twins and a 12 yo.

I wouldn't say I've done anything differently with them, but my 12 yo is the most confident child I think I've ever met - my older boys are not. None of them were particularly clingy during toddler-hood. For mine I'm pretty sure it stems from academic achievement - my older two are dyslexic and struggle a lot more than their brother. It's also just personality though - twin 1 is a lot quieter and less confident than twin 2.

OP you say you hardly recognise yourself since having kids and finding it hard with anxiety. As you said you panicked first and he then picked up on this. Then you tried to act like everything was OK so we’re sending out mixed messages which must have been very confusing for him.

Have you spoken to anyone about this?

Your world and body changes so much with pregnancy and a new baby it is easy to overlook your own needs, some of the anxiety could be unresolved PND.

You can speak to your dr or some areas have self referral to counselling. It can be really helpful.

The comments about twins are fascinating!