Children's services use people for their own benefit.

[Sunshineandpool]

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

I feel that Children's services were happy to use my family when they felt it benefited them. But quick to drop us when it doesn't. And it is very much to benefit them and not the child.

I don't want to go into massive detail but we were asked to be very involved with the child - myself and my children. Once plans changed my children were not able to see the child again. I continued working with Children's services and helping with whatever they asked, while advocating for the relationship between the child and my DC to be maintained. They wanted me to support contact between the child and parent which I have done. They no longer want me to do that but instead of giving me the courtesy of telling me themself they left it for there to be a huge scene with the contact staff and us, really distressing and upsetting the child.

It's all really upset me, not for myself as, as an adult I will have to get on with it. But for the children that are collateral damage.

Thank you. I completely agree.

It is devastating to have people trying to justify this kind of practice.

I agree- it is incredibly hard to follow what exactly is going on. Also why if you were there to facilitate contact between parent and child was your own child even there in the contact centre? None of it makes much sense.

What I think is happening is:

• SW have concerns about birth parents ability to look after three year old, child removed.
• plan in place to monitor one parents ability to parent and as part of this supervised contact in place.
• OP asked to assist with facilitating contact in contact centre- picking child up and bringing them and staying in room in contact centre.
• OP includes own child in this- maybe in car also? Unclear.
• SW complete assessment and it is decided parent won’t be having child back and they will be in long term foster care.
• OP no longer needed to facilitate contact as child not having regular contact with birth parent
• OP is upset as this means she also won’t be seeing child as frequently but is keen to remain doing so.
• SW has made vague promises to allow some form of visiting with child to OP but this has not been forthcoming and OP feels let down by SW for not prioritising contact.

have I got the salient points?

Ok, I'll try and explain more.

Always had a normal aunty relationship with the child and my DC. Then the resident parent became unwell and the DC was put into foster care. At this point the other parent wanted the child to live with them and I was asked to support. I looked after the child regularly and obviously they continued their relationship with my DC. But our relationship became closer as we were together so often. Unfortunately things broke down with that parent and eventually it was decided for contact to go to the contact centre with me there supporting.

Not exactly but similar.

Resident parent became unwell - child removed

Child transitioned to live with other parent with me caring for child 2.5 days a week plus support on other days (child still having contact with other parent.)

Placement breaks down, contact moved to my house/continued support on top of this when asked by CS

Goes to court - decision not to adopt, child to be in long term foster care but plan still for child to be reunited with parent. Foster carer not coping does not want to keep child. Guardian suggests I return to caring for child twice a week/DC's relationship is maintained

Further break down so contact moved to contact centre with me supervising - parent not always turning up/being late - I saw child regardless/continued support on top of this when asked by CS. Now my DC do not see child as at contact centre only. Promises of contact to be organised for my DC and child

Contact continues at the centre. I take child for a walk today. All of a sudden the manager realises the SW has said due to parent not turning up contact is reduced and now under supervision of contact supervisor (3 weeks ago!) She comes running up the road and I have to go back to the centre and child is taken by a supervisor while screaming for me. I speak to manager and discover what has happened. Not one word from the SW. Once the manager realised I had no idea she was very nice. But initially she thought I was just ignoring the instruction of the SW.

So I've not been banned from seeing child and apparently there are still plans for him to see my DC and when they need me to take child somewhere I'll be asked. But if they can just cut my time with him so drastically with no regard to how this will feel for DC, I feel like I need to take a massive step back.

Hope this makes sense and explains more.

Sorry just to say the guardian's recommendations were going to happen/still in the pipework but basically never happened.

You're not wrong. Social workers can be very manipulative individuals, I've seen with regard to adult social care. They only care about the client and checking boxes, not the impact which their demands may have on others.

It takes seconds to create a baby but maybe if parents actually parented and not left it to other people then there would be no need for the endless work load of social workers and other organisations to fix the mess

People should have a license to have children

Sorry you’re going through this, but it’s still not clear exactly what you think social services should do. They have not banned you from seeing the child, you can arrange that with the foster carer. They don’t have the ability to mandate and arrange visitation as you aren’t the parent.

I'm really sorry for everyone involved in this situation that this has been the outcome. It really is tragic for the poor child.

There is so much that could be better about the system and of course it sounds like it would be better if you could be more involved, but you have to recognise that using your help 'when it benefits them' is CS doing the best they can under incredibly difficult circumstances. Your posts are, at times, very difficult to follow and it can come across that you feel there is a personal vendetta against you and your DC at times. You also recognise yourself that you "don't have the energy to fight it anymore. I'm having to walk away for the sake of my mental health" and therefore surely have the empathy and ability to understand that this will also have been the case for the SW who you feel might not have done their best at communicating with you? That SW is dealing with life and death on a daily basis and, whilst giving more consideration to what is in the best interest for the LAC in question would be ideal, giving a 5 star service is, so sadly, not always an option within such underfunded, understaffed conditions.

Also, just to offer an alternative perspective and to highlight that yours luckily isn't the only outcome in scenarios like this, my husband and I short term fostered a nephew, as did my BiL and SiL, always with the hope that his parent might be able to turn her life around to have him back. We did everything we could do support her but eventually felt that returning to his parent wasn't in his best interest. We worked tirelessly with SS and it was actually us who found a long term foster carer, who has since fully adopted our nephew. We did everything we possibly could to maintain contact and the outcome has been that he is very much a part of all our lives. I'm so sorry that this hasn't been the case for you, but luckily there are happy stories too (however few and far between).

I wonder what you would like from this thread (genuine question)? I don't think bashing SS is productive (no SW goes in to it for the money, life balance, or glamour) but I do understand venting can help to get things off your chest. The only other options are to continue to be there to support in any way you can (you mention helping with dental appointments etc, surely that's a good thing?) and to either work with SS or do whatever you can to make the overall system better.

It really feels like that often. Even the impact on the vulnerable DC often doesn't seem to be considered.

Sometimes people get unwell, sadly.

No, I can't arrange that with the FC. She doesn't do that. And yes, they can arrange visits as we've been discussing with them for months!

The point being that as you say CS need the help of family members. But they have now made it so difficult that they have lost that help. So how is that a good outcome? I'm sorry if my posts were hard to follow, I was trying to not to give too much information away and was also incredibly distressed last night. I'm having to walk away from a 3 year old that we all became incredibly close to. I love him so much. No, I don't think there is a personal vendetta at all which was why I said the 'system is wrong'. We have had an amazing SW but many not so good, sadly.

I also deal with life and death as I'm a nurse and I'm sorry but it is not an excuse. It is not ok what has been happening. I don't believe the SW couldn't have put plans in place (and this isn't just on her but the managers too) a long time ago to ensure consistency for the child, I don't believe she couldn't have dropped me an email and kept me informed. The system doesn't work. The contact centre blame the SWs and the SWs blame the contact centre. I'm not asking for a 5 star service. But sadly if you use people they will walk away and now there will be a lot more work on CS's. It hasn't helped anyone. This wouldn't have happened with the SW we had a while ago so I know I'm not expecting the earth. It's sad when I think back to that actually as to how things have just got worse and worse with the last 2 SWs. I also have a couple of friends who are SWs so again I'm aware that I'm not expecting anything extraordinary.

And I'm happy for you. Maybe you understand how heart breaking my situation is then?

The main thing was venting. But I do think making people aware of how the child's best interests are not always met. That these services are failing vulnerable children. I think that's important.

I don't believe it is good for the DC to not know if or when we will be there. For me to just disappear from his life at the drop of a hat. I'm thought about it and I just don't think that's fair. I think it would be very damaging for that to potentially happen over and over. And it is damaging to my children too. Little boy will be distressed and confused but he'll get over it. But I can't allow that situation to happen multiple times.

I'm really sorry that the whole thing has happened and I really do understand how heartbreaking it is.

I just struggle with the 'CS didn't do this so now they've lost me / my help' sentiment, as it sounds like they do still want your help with certain eg dental appointments. I completely appreciate you want more than this for you / your dc / the LAC, but it sounds like there is an issue with managing this their end, for reasons we on Mumsnet won't ever be able to fully understand and support you with. In which case, continuing with whatever they DO want you to provide assistant with is surely the best thing that you can do right now, rather than completely walk away and cut off your nose to spite your face?

If the foster carer doesn’t want you to have contact there is nothing social services can do about it.
I know someone who fostered a family member full time for two years. When the child was reunited with their parent, the parent stopped all contact between the child and the family member who had fostered them. They even went to court to get visitation and did not get it.
And that was with fostering full time, not assisting with contact visits.
You don’t have any inherent rights to see the child.

It's not to do with cutting off my nose to spite my face. It's to do with what is fair for the DC involved and what will cause the least damage.

Maybe I'm not thinking clearly enough but I just don't think it's in the child's best interests for me to be in and out of his life. If I take him to an appointment he'll want to come back to mine but can't. Then doesn't see me for another indefinite time.

It's not that she doesn't want us to have contact. She would have been happy with the guardian's suggestion. She just doesn't want to facilitate it. But CS can and have facilitated visits. The foster carer does not have parental responsibility so has to do as the SW says. She can't decide who sees the child.

But I know I have no legal right. And that is what has made me think. CS if they wanted to or more likely not that necessarily but just through neglecting to sort anything out could stop the child seeing us permanently at any time. I don't want to risk that happening when he is older, I think it is better to bow out now.

I spoke to one of the parents and said I was going to take a step back and they were begging me not to.

Sometimes I wish I'd never got involved. I feel bad saying that because the child is a little poppet.

I don't know what to do for the best.

Foster carers DO NOT make decisions on who has contact with a child in their care as you rightly said and in fact are required to support it no matter what their thoughts are on the situation. If the sw agrees it is in the child's best interests then you need to hold them to that and keep nagging them.to set it up. Keep on at the soc worker and reviewing officer to get a schedule set up.if you think that will benefit the child. Email and complain to the managers if needs be. As you no doubt know sw are massively overstretched and snowed under so.it really is a case of persevering as those who shout loudest get things done. Good luck

Thank you and yes I know. I just don't think I can do anymore than I have and as you say every little thing has to be pushed and pushed for. I think I have to accept I'm not able to do that to the extent that it will be beneficial to the child.

In all honesty I couldn't face ever having to go back to the contact centre. The way the supervisors are I don't know how any parent can stand it. Luckily we didn't have to have much to do with them, but their attitude no matter who you were was that you had no clue about looking after a child and they knew everything. Sorry, just venting now. It's been such a stressful year and a half.