Children's services use people for their own benefit.

[Sunshineandpool]

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

I feel that Children's services were happy to use my family when they felt it benefited them. But quick to drop us when it doesn't. And it is very much to benefit them and not the child.

I don't want to go into massive detail but we were asked to be very involved with the child - myself and my children. Once plans changed my children were not able to see the child again. I continued working with Children's services and helping with whatever they asked, while advocating for the relationship between the child and my DC to be maintained. They wanted me to support contact between the child and parent which I have done. They no longer want me to do that but instead of giving me the courtesy of telling me themself they left it for there to be a huge scene with the contact staff and us, really distressing and upsetting the child.

It's all really upset me, not for myself as, as an adult I will have to get on with it. But for the children that are collateral damage.

Thank you. They were happy for the bonds to continue as long as we were useful. My heart continuously breaks for this child.

No, my efforts need to be for my DC.

The parent is too damaged, unfortunately.

They were placed with their parent on the basis of me supporting. So yes, it had everything to do with how long they were away for. I doubt they will place the child back with this person with no support.

You mean a clean break from my family - who were never in a position to have the child live with us? Or from their parents?

You know what? I normally avoid commenting on emotive threads on MN. And I was going to post to OP@Sunshineandpool to tell her my step-daughter and her family of 4 are foster carers and I make it my duty to always say to her, how proud of her I am and that she is doing an important job. I have seen the kids attached to her and sometimes only wanting her. I have seen her kids really being family with the new kids. When they have to leave, she says she prepares herself mentally to let them go, remove emotions and starts letting go.

So, it is in that respect, I am sending hugs to OP, that this was sudden for her and her children. I write to acknowledge OP's need to slowly disengage and remove the attachment and not have it happen in such a chaotic and surprising manner.

However, the needs of the kid is paramount. SW no doubt prioritised the child. For that I apologise on their behalf. You have helped the kid- well done. Now please help your won kids to understand what has happened and that the kid is now where it is supposed to be. I understand teh kid (removed) is small, so they will cope better than your DC and yourself.

Yes, SW are overworked. To them sometimes, it boils down to life or death. I understand that is inadequate, but sometimes as long as child A is well and sorted, they will be rushing to child B who might probably die in teh next 24 hours if they don't act swiftly. It is in that mad reality, they may omit to contact a person like OP. I hope I have explained it in a way that you can also see it from their perspective and all children in needs' perspective and why you and your DC who are safe with you, were not prioritised, and indeed, left in a lurch.

Yes, I have given advice to LAs in other departments in the past and stopped as they could no longer pay me, and this is the reality. Thank the tory government for austerity which is when services across the board really started to go down hill and have still not recovered.

No, adoption has been ruled out.

I'm not close to the trauma. As I said I'm not blood related.

That's very kind.

Oh, said the same without even knowing the back story. Op is upset here because she cares and that was very clear from the op.

Sounds like they no longer need you to facilitate contact with the parent. They perhaps think you are too close to the parent?? In any event I can understand that you are upset that the child has now lost contact with their extended family. If you are not a risk to the child and the child wants to see you and your children then they should be able to. Is it because of your link to the parent that they are wanting to distance the child from you?

This isn't the issue.

But there's nothing more I can do. The child has lots of photo books and cards etc from me so at least maybe when they are older they will know they had family who loved them.

I hope for their sake they can go back to their other parent. A life in foster care is not good for any DC (and SW agrees.)

You're a good person OP ❤️

Well done for caring so much.

Could you continue to buy birthday/christmas cards every year and write little letters to then for when they're older and can make the decision themselves?

My uncles SIL had a similar situation and the LAC got in touch with the family and it meant the world to them they were still considered part of the family xx

Both. It’s not in the child’s best interest. Child services look solely at the child in need.
I understand it’s a horrible situation for you and your DC, but if the prospect of returning the child to their parents is slim they will cut ties if adoption is on the cards.
You need to be laying the blame at the parent’s door, not CS

Why didn't you take the child yourself?

Sadly, no the DC has not been prioritised. This is my biggest regret. I think they will continue to be a pawn in this sorry situation. This is why I have decided to walk away as I just do not think it will benefit the child for us to be in and out of their life and it will certainly not benefit my DC either.

No, they don't think that. I am not close to the parent.

No, it is just that I am not useful to facilitate contact anymore.

I'm really not sure. I'd have to ask the SW. I'm not sure they'd allow it as it would be something they would need to facilitate. It's definitely been an education learning about Children's services and Foster care. I can see why DC get so damaged in FC even if their carers are good.

But that's not what is happening. Adoption has been ruled out. I would be in and out of this DC's life if CS had their way.

Then that does seem harsh. Unless the parent is not keen on your involvement?

I've already answered that twice.

Oh sorry, I wasn't clear.

They didn't send the cards because they weren't allowed. They just wrote little updates to them twice a year in the card, how proud they were, how much they love them etc. Sometimes they put a £5 in, sometimes they put a photo or postcard from the seaside. I think one of their kids made them a friendship bracelet one year, just little bits and pieces to show they still thought of them even when they weren't allowed contact.

The family kept them in a box and when the LAC got in contact as an adult and it was very touching.

The reasons for removal were very messy, but I think it helped to give some closure to the LAC.

No, both parents are fine with it.

I'm going to have to tell them I'm walking away and I'm dreading it.

Oh I see! Yes, I could definitely do that! Thank you for the idea ❤️

OP do you know if the child has either a children's guardian (cafcass, they'd have one if the matter is open to the court/care proceedings) or an independent reviewing officer (if they're in care they should have an IRO who chairs their review meetings and will advocate in the child's best interests)

Either of these would be worth talking to before walking away, as both can advocate and influence a plan around a child seeing extended family. Honestly if there's no supervision required and it's just a case of making arrangements with foster carers for a playdate, there isn't usually an issue. If a child is really struggling, or has a number of contact visits and it's too much back and forth then letters, cards and photos are usually encouraged.

I'm not defending the situation, but social workers know they have a legal responsibility to facilitate contact with parents, and siblings if there are any. The reality of social workers who are too busy to think about the bigger picture, not having supervision etc, is that it's not unusual for this minimum to be arranged and not actually look at things holistically and consider extended family. At the moment it's really common for frontline social workers to be inexperienced due to turnover rates and some don't even know they can do this unless someone tells them. It can be a bit like 'contacts been arranged with parents we've got X times a week at a contact centre that's covered'.

I used to work with children in long term care and would find myself reconnecting teenagers with grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends from previous children's homes etc. And honestly it was a suprise to many social workers I worked with because no one had ever suggested to them to do that, or encouraged them to take calculated risks. The reason I did it was a) being experienced enough to feel confident about it and b) having worked with older teens and young adults who had a care background and realising that they would almost always be back with family - the care system is until 18 only, and that's such a short part of life when you think about it.

You sound like a lovely person and it's a shame that you're both in this position. Good luck.

Really social work should be facilitating contact with people who are important to them unless there’s a good reason not to by which I mean there’s no safe way to manage contact. That should include extended family members to some extent. What have social work said about not enabling contact with you and your DC.