Children's services use people for their own benefit.

[Sunshineandpool]

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

I feel that Children's services were happy to use my family when they felt it benefited them. But quick to drop us when it doesn't. And it is very much to benefit them and not the child.

I don't want to go into massive detail but we were asked to be very involved with the child - myself and my children. Once plans changed my children were not able to see the child again. I continued working with Children's services and helping with whatever they asked, while advocating for the relationship between the child and my DC to be maintained. They wanted me to support contact between the child and parent which I have done. They no longer want me to do that but instead of giving me the courtesy of telling me themself they left it for there to be a huge scene with the contact staff and us, really distressing and upsetting the child.

It's all really upset me, not for myself as, as an adult I will have to get on with it. But for the children that are collateral damage.

I've met loads of amazing foster carers

Unfortunately as you aren't blood related, contact with you isn't a priority and they will have looked at the long term plans for this child. You say they plan to go back home but also that the placement has broken down once, so they will be preparing behind the scenes for worst case scenario. Doesn't make it easy for you, but as you say the child is very young and won't understand, that is exactly why they will have done it now.

I say this as an ex Foster carer including kinship care for a blood relative and an adopter so I'm not talking from a place of ignorance.

I don't think they have their guardian anymore as not open to the court now. Which is a shame as she was good and did try to influence things in a positive light but it never went anywhere (this was about my DC seeing the child/supporting the FC.)

The IRO isn't any good. They were one of the parent's IRO when they were in care which I think is shocking! They do all sorts of dodgy things like not inviting the parents to the LAC review!

I wish it was all that easy! The FC would not facilitate contact. She is quite overwhelmed it seems and has little free time. She has been very nervous at having any contact, although that does seem better now.

I know what you mean about inexperienced SW! I come across them in my line of work. Being on the family side of it is worse than I imagined, though! And the horror of contact centres. As much as I'm devastated to not see the little boy I've grown so close to I'm happy to not have to ever see the inside of one of those places ever again!

Ultimately, though this situation has made me realise that as obviously I have no rights to see the foster child, Children's services will just bring me in and out of his life as to when they consider me useful. I never thought they would do this even, though I should have guessed with the situation with the DC. I think that would be so damaging to the child so for his sake as much as for my DC I have to walk away.

What will the child think about where I've gone to, though? What will the foster carer tell him? He'll be so confused.

I believe they should. I've done a lot of research into it and it is so beneficial to the FC.

Essentially, they just mess me about with organising contact with my DC. It's always in the pipeline but never materialises.

As for me, nothing has been said to me by CS. It's a bit complicated but I was seeing the DC at a contact centre (to support the parent but they don't always turn up or do so late and so as to not unsettle the child I see them whether the parent is there or not) and half way through contact when I had taken the DC out for a walk the contact centre suddenly realised I wasn't meant to be. Turns out CS had stopped the contact without telling me and this was about a month ago! You actually couldn't make it up! I was treated like I was a criminal kidnapping him or something!

Oh that's a real shame if you've got a tickbox IRO and an avoidant foster carer! Most foster carers that I've met have been very understanding about wider family and keen to keep the links, but I have met a few who seem to want a child to slot into their lives and begrudge having to do things specific for the child - not often but it does happen. And unless there's a massive backstory I struggle to see why an IRO wouldn't be promoting family links if the long term plan will be returning to family.
I think what others have said about creating a memory box of cards and letters for when you do reconnect would be a nice thing to do.

I will say though, it's so frustrating to read this - I've worked with many children where we would have loved for a child to have a reliable, safe, consistent family member in their life and there hasn't been anyone. To have that, and to ignore it, is so shortsighted, and it's such a shame for the child.

Sorry to hear. Hold your heard high that you care, and many strangers agree you are a caring person. Good luck.

I think with this FC she is definitely overwhelmed and busy with another child. The child has to go in transport all the time. She does want things to fit round the other child rather than what is best for him. I think a lot of pressure was put on her to keep him long term when she didn't want to and didn't feel she could cope. But again CS could have done more as suggested by the guardian - I was happy to continue caring for him on the days I usually did. It would have been a win win for me and the FC.

I honestly don't know. Adoption was ruled out on the basis the plan for permanency was for him to live with one of his DPs. I suspect he'll just languish in FC, tbh.

And yes, it's a really nice idea.

It really is. The one person who has stepped up and helped with anything CS suggested is now no longer able to be involved. And it breaks my heart. Because he could have grown up knowing us and that we were family and we loved and cared about him. That he had an aunty and cousins like the other children. That he had other people who he was special to. And that has been taken away from him.

Children’s services act in the best interest of the child. If you were supervising contact between the parent(s) and the looked after child, and that contact is no longer seen as beneficial, then yes, your support is no longer required. I’m sorry your children were upset, but the looked after child is the priority, not your children.

As I've said the LAC has not been prioritised! If he was the SW would have told me my help was no longer needed. If he was I'd be supporting his foster carer by still having him twice a week. If he was he would not have his family ripped away from him when he is already so vulnerable without even a chance to say goodbye!

You are very naive if you think the LAC is prioritised. What I have learnt is their needs come way down the pecking order.

I’m not naive. I work with Children’s Services. I’m sorry the social worker forgot to tell you that your assistance wasn’t required any more. However, that social worker will have dozens of other families to deal with, court proceedings to participate in, statements to write, assessments to conclude. It’s a very high pressure job and they presumably didn’t have time to offer you a debrief. They can’t offer goodbye contact to every family member, parents are prioritised. You did a nice thing by facilitating contact while it lasted, it would no doubt upset your DC a lot more if they were to go along to a goodbye contact as they’re known to be distressing for adults, let alone kids.

I find it so heartbreaking the way so many people seem to have such low standards for a LAC.

So he was upset? So what?
So he was damaged, well he's already been damaged.
So he is confused about where his family has gone? Well he better get used to it now he's in FC!

That people can believe it's in 'the best interests of the child' to not allow him to see loving stable members of his family, to not have any conversation around that but just do it in as traumatic way as possible and to leave him with a struggling FC and unstable parents...is this really the best we can do for these vulnerable children?

I'm afraid you've got compassion fatigue then.

I work in a very high pressure job. I don't use that as a reason to excuse not doing the best for my patients. It just isn't an excuse to say 'I'm busy!' Lots of us are. 'Oh I forgot!' not good enough! It's not ok to treat vulnerable DC like that.

There is no goodbye contact - he's not being adopted. Did you actually read the thread?

CS would be perfectly happy for us to be in and out of this DC's life. Now they have lost the one supportive family member. And you think that is ok?

@NotSayingImBatman there is no reason to break the relationship in this situation though. Its not a plan of permanent removal. The plan for the child is to return to family, and most likely if that were to fail, long term foster care (as chances are they'd miss the adoption window) In both scenarios you'd expect extended family to retain a relationship and be involved, for the benefit of the child.

I tried to read the thread but your posts are all over the place, it’s impossible to work out what’s going on. I’m sorry you’re upset but the child needs stability and, for whatever reason, the social worker has decided contact that involves you and your family isn’t going to contribute to that at the moment. Take care of yourself, and I hope you feel better soon.

This is what I mean about it being something wrong with the system. Even people who work with CS so are well aware it's a shit show parrot 'CS act in the best interest of the child' while at the same time thinking it's perfectly fine for a vulnerable toddler to be distressed and confused because the SW 'forgot.' He was screaming for me when I left.

And it's good thing I was an ok person to be around him because Contact has been going on for about 3 weeks when it supposedly wasn't meant to! That doesn't suprise me, though as there is no contact between SWs and contact centres either. Which is frightening when you think these are places meant to keep vulnerable children safe. But never mind the SW 'forgot' as she was so busy!

None of us are privy to this child’s assessments, so we really can’t say what’s best for the child. The social worker is privy to that information and has decided contact that involves the OP isn’t beneficial. I think we have to trust that the professional has got it right.

The SW has not decided that at all. Apparently she is still organising contact for my DC to see the little boy!

The DC needs stability - exactly! I was giving him stability! But I can't be in and out of his life as that is the opposite of stability. That is what CS want. Me to pop up whenever they need me. That's not fair on him.

It's not about me feeling better - it's about this vulnerable DC!

Please read a thread before making uniformed comments.

The SW has not decided that. She just wants me to see him when it suits them. So if I'm needed to take him to the dentist etc. She is apparently still arranging contact for the holidays for my DC. That will involve me looking after him. How does that mean contact involving me is not beneficial?

I know someone in that job. It's thankless, miserable and everybody thinks they know how to do it better. They have an overview that you don't have. I would trust them to be putting the children first even if you can't see it.

It’s very hard to keep track of what’s going on when you keep changing your mind about what your involvement actually is. Good luck though. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

@NotSayingImBatman I think I remember the op from previous threads. Whilst none of us know the full story, it certainly sounds to me that it's incompetence rather than an active decision to ban contact.

There's a child in a poorly matched placement with a carer who is too busy to facilitate contact, a shortage of placements and no willingness from the LA to challenge the carer or move the child because of the shortage. Relationships should be supported unless there's a safety issue, or because it would disrupt the overall plan (eg adoption, or temporarily while child is developing a bond with a carer)

Id love to say trust the professionals. I've seen care plans that have repeat recommendations year on year by IROs to explore contact with gran/cousin/family friend and it doesn't get done. It doesn't get done because the focus is on the duty to arrange contract with the parent and because the child is safe and very few social workers have the time or the headspace to do more. That explains it but it doesn't justify it.

Breaking a relationship with a family member when the family member has a bond with the child and is likely to be part of their network in future has to have a bloody good reason to justify it. Nothing that the OP has posted here or on the previous thread suggests that there is one.

Yes, adoption has been ruled out now. On the basis that he will return to a parent's care. Even though this had broken down even with me providing all the care that they asked me to. But tbh, it was more because of Children's services mistakes at the beginning of the case. It's quite a mess. And very sad.

No one else is having that problem

Where have I changed my involvement?

'Enjoy the rest of my evening?' What is wrong with you? I'm talking about a child screaming with distress and you think I'm enjoying my evening.

I hope to God you're not a SW.