Struggle to relate to very rich friends

[Elizo]

So I am fortunate enough to not be especially hard-up, but am a public sector worker, bought my house when prices were cheaper. Good at watching money and have never had much disposable but that doesn't really bother me. We were fairly short of money as children and I am naturally very careful with money. Not to the point where I can't enjoy life, but I think about how I can't go out for too many meals etc. I know I am much luckier than most.

I have two friends who are v wealthy. Private schools, extremely expensive holidays, several houses in v expensive locations, domestic help at home - money is no object. I like them both but I feel like it is a barrier to being close. They also seem to forget that for most of us money is a barrier. I've had comments about would my children go to uni overseas, well no because the flights alone multiple times a year would be too much, let alone fees without a loan. I went to one of their parties recently and I left before the end because the boarding school, holiday, ski etc chat got too much. At one point they were laughing about how awful it would be to go to Centre Parcs. Er you should be lucky you can afford it. I have got more brazen about just saying, no, that isn't something that would be financially viable for us

YANBU - it's hard to be close to people who have a hugely different financial situation

YABU - who cares, it's doesn't matter

Thing is they don't sound like particularly nice people. So I'm not sure I'd worry. I've a friend who is far wealthier than us, although we don't have any money worries. We connect over the kids and general life worries elderly parents etc. she would never look down on people for where they go or what they do. I would be friends with her regardless of how much money she had because she's a good person. Are they really worth having in your life?

I actually think they are good people. They are kind. It feels more like thoughtlessness and being stuck in their own bubble...still a little jarring though, but wasn't sure if that is just me...

I absolutely relate to this. As I’m getting older the ‘wage gap’ is becoming more and more apparent in my friendships. Most of my friends are in high earning professions with equally high earnings spouses, and I’m actually really proud that the majority of my female friends outearn their husbands. I’m a recovering academic that chose to follow my passion rather than money in my career, and frankly it was a stupid move made even worse by the fact I was made redundant recently! Funnily enough one of my closest friends fantasises about leaving her corporate job for a creative passion but told me she couldn’t possible live on such a low salary (tone deaf much?!).

I’m really proud of my friends and I have survived the chat about big holidays, second homes, renovations etc. Where it’s standing to bite is with us having small children. It’s easy to say it’s jealousy, but it’s not - I feel guilt that I can’t provide the same experiences for my child that they will be able to and that I should have made different career choices earlier on.

I don’t know what the answer is, and I’m sure it will continue to bite as our preschools get older but no I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

I think circumstances can be just another thing you don’t have in common, eg I wouldn’t really chat a lot to someone who was eg sports mad unless we found other common ground. It’s whether you have other things in common really, nobody’s fault

People do forget that others are different, especially when the money isn't earned. I had friends who had serious family money but both worked (niche jobs so won't say what) so on the surface they were like everyone else there typically earning decent salaries around the £70k mark but because of the vast inheritances for quite sad complicated reasons, they didn't live on the pocket money their jobs paid, think private schools, 3 other homes (which they did let friends use for free) etc mostly they remembered but would slip up in things like holiday talk and suggest a £2k a night hotel as better than a cheap hotel, that Costa Rica is really great for kids, that it's not safe to get your child an old car, best of all, not right to let youngsters work in fast food etc part time, you never know who else works there! Oh well things do have a way of getting their own back, for various reasons their fortunes changed and they split up

Do they ever socialise with you and your other friends or are you the one who enters there bubble?

I have friends like this but they do seem to adapt when socialising with my fellow plebs! I don't think I could be friends with them otherwise! I think it's nice to have friends from different backgrounds but it can't just be about you fitting in with them. Would the boarding school chat continue at one of your parties?

I have really really rich friends and some who live in a van. They're all my friends. If you cant relate thats a you issue

I mean it sounds like a bit of a you issue really - they have wealth, they talk about it, so what? I have rich friends - they talk about private jets and buying another 20 million dollar house - it doesn’t bother me. I talk about £20 per day summer club X 2 kids being super expensive - they join in
and they understand. We have loads in common - it doesn’t sound like you have much in common. There will always be someone richer and someone poorer than you. I mean - you leaving when they spoke too much about skiing or whatever it was sounds very OTT. I can’t see the issue sorry OP - this is very much a you problem.

''At one point they were laughing about how awful it would be to go to Centre Parcs.''
I don't think its OP who struggles to relate to others.

I relate to this op. YNBU it is hard.

Perhaps enter their bubble less and socialise on more neutral ground. Can you still have conversation without it always ending up about their lifestyle? Perhaps doing activities together might be nicer or will that end up being expensive suggestions from them? no harm in pulling back from the relationships if you feel it's negatively impacting your mental health.

I actively reduce contact with some people as we are seen as the poor relation (yet i think we are lucky and doing ok!) They have just got lost in their bubble. But seem to want to "fix" our life and get frustrated that we don't just do xyz because it's not expensive in their eyes. Many Tone deaf conversations of how registry office weddings are so the poor can get married but that's below them🙈 ofcourse that's how I got married more for the reason I don't want the big spectacle wedding but they can't understand that at all.
They are Very much keeping up with the Joneses🤢

This particularly just sounds like they aren't very nice people OP was that a one off or is there lots of those looking down at others comments? Sounds like they've lost touch with the real world.

In orbit of wealth insanity through dd her friends family are lovely but the very rich do things differently- everything including holidays is last minute as money is no object which can get tricky. Also trying to encourage teen independence but they very protective and get staff to drive them round. Also
zsro chores as they have staff. In our house we are the staff!

Nice.

YANBU.

We are in a friendship group where we are by far the lowest earners. When we meet up, the others are so competitive; they never fly economy, always business class; they will only stay in a hotel suite; they casually drop into a conversation how much their home is worth, and then steer the conversation to second homes and private schools.

We are comfortably off, but meant to feel like the poor relations. One 'friend' thinks that belittling 'our sort' is great sport. Although we have had some good times together in the past, we have now distanced ourselves from the group and no longer accept any invitations from them.

Imho a lot of these wealthy in your face about money people have it all on credit and overdrafts if their parents aren’t paying up. The really wealthy are quiet about it and drive small cars and shop inexpensively. They don’t need to show off.

It’s normal, albeit sad or at the very least annoying. Normal for them, I mean - especially if they’ve never had to experience the other side.

I've had comments about would my children go to uni overseas, well no because the flights alone multiple times a year would be too much, let alone fees without a loan

Do they mean the US here? Because it’s actually cheaper to study in Europe than it is to remain in the UK for university. Some
countries still have zero tuition fees for non-EU students (not all, of course, after Brexit) and I’d be encouraging my child to look into these options. They could be getting a great education for free, coupled with the same or lower living costs and very cheap flights back and forth, plus they’ll have learnt a new language and accessed EU residency after the required number of years.

Agreed. Or perhaps ‘superficial’ or ‘slightly dim in ways that don’t sound that pleasant’? I’m a WC woman who went to Oxford, so have have circles in which I’m by far the poorest person, and circles where I’m by far the richest/only one without a physically-taxing minimum wage job. My family and ILs are almost all cleaners, binmen, taxi drivers, work in construction, delivery drivers, or work in retail.

I make no pretence of having any more money than I do among richer friends, but neither do I find their occasional conversations about their racehorses, yacht clubs or boarding school intolerable — they’re my friends because they’re clever and interesting. I don’t expect them to censor their topics of talk around me. Some of it is very interesting, actually. I got to see the astonishing private gardens of a boarding school because I went with a friend visiting his son, and I got to spend a day at a racing stables because of another. I owe a knowledge of art restoration to a minor aristocrat I’ve been friends with since university (whose mother was a debutante, which cracks me up!). It’s expanded the mental horizons of someone who was pressured to leave school at 15.

Okay but if instead they'd commented about how awful it would be to go to butlins would OP have been equally offended or nodded along?

On its own I don't know if you can make a judgement based just on that one comment.

I'd hate to go to butlins but I'd also hate an expensive safari holiday because I hate really hot weather. Lots of people would hate skiing holidays because it's just not their thing. Doesn't mean I can't recognise why other people would like those holidays but I don't think I shouldn't be able to comment that they aren't for me just because someone within hearing might disagree....

I don't see why it has to be an all or nothing situation....maybe just see the friends on their own and not attend their big parties.

Most people have something in their lives others could be jealous of if they wanted - children, a loving relationship, good relationships with parents, cleverer that you, good looking, an easier job, live in a lovely place...

How did you go to Oxford and leave school at 15?

What are the things you have in common and how did they become the basis for friendship?

Did you meet pre wealth etc

People have to be able to talk honestly about their lives when they are amongst friends. Otherwise what’s the point of hanging out together?

No one should be bragging in an unpleasant way (‘I stay in five-star hotels more often than my own house blah, blah’ etc) but if someone is asked where they are going on holiday or what their plans are for the future, are they supposed to lie to spare your feelings?

Remember that you don’t see the flip-side of some of these corporate jobs - the 4am pickup for an early flight, needing to take calls at all hours or work while away on holiday.

Only you can decide if you love your friends enough to stay friends despite the inevitable differences, but if not then that’s also fine.

But this is how people often do end up only hanging around with other people in the same socio-economic situation, because neither side can get over the awkwardness.

For my own part, I have a foot in two quite different worlds and keep them very, very separate for precisely this reason.

I actually love Butlins and those cheap holiday resorts. Ha ha !!

They’re relating to the majority of their social circle, who share the same normal. That’s, well, normal for people across all cultures and incomes.

They don’t have to pay lip service to realities that aren’t relevant to them every time they speak on something that concerns their wealth.

I have one friend who is very very rich but when we hang out we do so in an environment that is low-cost and sort of equal for everybody (we like to pub quiz together) so that means there's not the pressure of paying out for an expensive meal etc to see each other, and money doesn't come up most of the time when we talk. He's a kind person who is interested in my life and we will talk about all kinds of things (including stuff that affects everybody regardless of wealth e.g. aging parents and their illnesses, so meaningful things that we can support each other through). He's also very generous and will invite people for nice experiences e.g. dinners at his house with private chef (!!!!) so there's a sense that he's conscious of being in a lucky position and wants to share it with people.

With that said, sometimes I am talking to him and he says things that make me laugh with how out of the real world they feel (good value price of champagne in expensive bars etc). Because I like him as a person, because we have a meaningful relationship, and because I know he's always very keen to give other people those nice experiences where he can, it doesn't bother me in the way that it might do coming from someone else. I think it also helps that I have a range of friendships from people in corporate jobs like this guy to lots of people working in the public sector on wages much more like my own, which means it's not overwhelming or coming from my whole friend group so it feels more like a kind of novelty/funny thing and not something that I'm constantly stressing and comparing myself to. It sounds like for you OP it's just a couple of your friends so maybe you can find the funny side in them being so out of touch with most people's reality?! I think ultimately like any friendship you have to consider what it is that you like about those people, what do they bring to your life, and if it's more just that you used to be friends but now you don't enjoy spending time with them in the way that you used to, you can always dial down the contact. But I don't think someone being much richer has to be a barrier to being close to them, it just can be a barrier depending on the person, their personality, and how you feel about them as a whole.

My DH and I have very wealthy friends (yachts and multiple holiday homes) and also friends that work a minimum wage job and who are struggling to get on the housing ladder. We fall in the middle somewhere but I really enjoy talking to both sets of friends and they each have their own worries and concerns even though their financial circumstances are very different.

Your friends sound a little insensitive but equally they shouldn’t have to not speak about their kids school or where they are going on holiday. You have to think would you be careful about what topics you spoke about if you had a friend who was worse off than you?