Struggle to relate to very rich friends

[Elizo]

So I am fortunate enough to not be especially hard-up, but am a public sector worker, bought my house when prices were cheaper. Good at watching money and have never had much disposable but that doesn't really bother me. We were fairly short of money as children and I am naturally very careful with money. Not to the point where I can't enjoy life, but I think about how I can't go out for too many meals etc. I know I am much luckier than most.

I have two friends who are v wealthy. Private schools, extremely expensive holidays, several houses in v expensive locations, domestic help at home - money is no object. I like them both but I feel like it is a barrier to being close. They also seem to forget that for most of us money is a barrier. I've had comments about would my children go to uni overseas, well no because the flights alone multiple times a year would be too much, let alone fees without a loan. I went to one of their parties recently and I left before the end because the boarding school, holiday, ski etc chat got too much. At one point they were laughing about how awful it would be to go to Centre Parcs. Er you should be lucky you can afford it. I have got more brazen about just saying, no, that isn't something that would be financially viable for us

YANBU - it's hard to be close to people who have a hugely different financial situation

YABU - who cares, it's doesn't matter

I have rich friends and tbh we don't see each other much any more. Rich people like other rich people, so they can do expensive hobbies with them or go on very expensive holidays or go to each others enormous houses and play tennis. We started to feel like the poor relations and it wasn't a nice feeling.

This. Also I think it would depend on what context I met the friend. If we bonded over a special interest or something awful like grief, I don't think it would be a problem. But if I was introduced to someone and got chatting about say where we were going on holiday and they couldn't handle it or we just had nothing to say to each other, it would be more that we had no common ground/experience to maintain a friendship.

I think it is thoughtlessness and insensitivity, and in some cases, blithe ignorance. We have some distant relatives who are rolling in it, and we don't see them all that often (weddings & funerals mostly), but they will occasionally come out with some corkers. Of the "Well why don't you just (insert ridiculously expensive solution to minor domestic problem)?" variety. Buying a larger house, for instance, when I happened to mention that I'd like a dishwasher but our kitchen doesn't have enough room for one. Well - doh.

We are comfortable as a family, but live in an area with lots of high income people/families. I’m friends with and know a lot of people who I’d classify as rich.

It works when you meet on a level that’s not about money and just get on as humans. I’ve got a number of friends in this category who are lovely, kind, funny and caring people. It helps that they know that I can go out for meals with them, but not super fancy and don’t even question it. I can go to the theatre, but I’m going to be up the back and top not the stalls. I can go to gigs but if it’s too expensive I’m going to give it a miss. Similarly if they do something, or talk about something I can’t afford that’s fine too. They go on holiday more than me to nicer places but they’re excited for me that I’m going to my cheaper less fancy holiday. Their kids went to private school, but they were not dismissive of state education and were as interested in how my kids were doing as I was with theirs.

When it’s not worked is when they’re conversations have felt dismissive and that I’m lesser than them because of income or circumstance. I’ve also had times when they’ve made me feel like I’m their token poor or working class friend to diversify their group. In these circumstances I’ve just moved on and not kept the friendship.

if it was me, then id cover up my finances when chatting or have a cover, then study what the rich rich prefer etc, so i can talk the talk and enjoy the conversations, usually once you get others talking then its mainly a matter of listening but understanding their views

But we are talking about your actual friends here, not some random you met at a party — they know you, where you live, what you do for a living, that you didn’t grow up with yachts, a butler and a second home on the Côte d’Azur.

OP, do you also struggle to relate to people poorer than you, those without children, much younger or older than you, people who do very different jobs, people from different cultures or religions, those less able bodied?

Why single out people who are richer than you unless of course you dislike them purely because they are wealthy.

Just play along with it (fake ott posh accent) “oh yes, little Tarquin loves his travel/fois gras/hitting the slopes/ travelling in 1st class/cant wait to be bundled off to boarding school etc” “no we never eat McDonalds/go centre parks- thats reserved for the peasants” with a comedy look of disgust on your face.

oh god that sounds utterly painful. Youre going to either have to put up, stay friends or distance yourself from them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ha ha! I mean I’m sure they won’t notice if I just drop my second home into the conversation…

Proper rich people have fantasticly sensitive antennae and can't be fooled!

Haven’t read the whole thread but wondering how did you become friends in the first place?

But are totally insensitive when it comes to other people's lives?

NC for this.
Where to start?
Well, in my case, it was the end of a few friendships once some newspapers thought publishing my earnings was newsworthy!

So I agree with the pp who said rich pp like other rich pp. I am actually sweet and love people. I have seen wealth, and have also been brought up to know it was not the be all. Then dad died, so worked day and night etc etc etc. I liked what I did so it made me a lot of money in the process. See, it was not the reverse in my case.

So, I already started dropping friends who wanted £20 off of me every time we went out even when they suggested it, including when they have come to my house uninvited. Also, found it hard to get anyone to go out with when I had the 5 mins break as they can't afford it and it was something I needed to do to relax and not expensive at all- I think it was a way to make me pay for them as could afford 2 tickets.

By the time earnings were advertised, I was down to a few friends. The thing is, I don't make money the central part of my being: I love going for walks in parks (I could do this daily- alone or with company), for lunch meet ups, I prefer tea (just normal herbal tea); prefer homemade food so restaurants are rare occurrences, can relate to all- also thanks to my job- HOWEVER, I found pp think as I have a bit of money, I should be spending it on them or even on myself (I would live in a 1 bed flat if that is what suited my needs- I was brought up to ONLY buy things I need and hate waste of anything: food, time, money, energy, effort.) When I get something I want, it is as a treat which I enjoy thoroughly. I am also v v generous- even my own mum asks me to rein it in a bit- however I detest the thought of being expected to spend on anyone and on anything, just because.

Along the way, I have come to also understand that rich people have a lot of money because they don't really spend it- I mostly fell into this as I was working all hours so had no time to spend, which I have also just got used to. I invested too as could only travel once a year, so I am now addicted to investments- boring, safe investments. The amounts of money spent by pp who can't afford what they buy, astounds me.

Luckily my own family doesn't care whether you have £5 or more; so they remain my very very best company where we genuinely relax and share joys in everyday life. They are irreplaceable and priceless. So I am always thinking of ways to spoil them as a thank you for being great human beings.

Edited for obv mistakes as nursing a summer cold! Sorry.

Yes possibly, which is why they normally want to hang out with other rich people I guess!

I don’t think it has anything to do with their incomes. I think they are just complete arseholes and if they weren’t wealthy they would just be arseholes about something else.

Because of my career I have several friends who have multimillion pound incomes, a few who come from huge generational wealth, and of course many more who are in the more average range. None, and I do mean non, of the wealthier friends act like this. Not ever.

Sounds like a different type of scenario. I very much suspect OPs friends are high earners but spend every penny of it (and probably more) as visibly as possible.

Your account is contradictory. You say "Also, found it hard to get anyone to go out with when I had the 5 mins break as they can't afford and it was something I needed to do to relax." I could imagine this being a problem. We don't have lots of money but do socialise a lot. So if someone is happy going out for a coffee or a pint that is fine, but if you prefer to do things your friends can't afford then it is harder.
But you then contradict yourself by listing a lot of free or cheap things you say you love to do.
I have one friend who has become pretty well off. We still see each other, but less than we used to. Every time I suggest going for a drink, she agrees but then suggests instead a pretty expensive restaurant. In spite of what she says, she prefers to do expensive things. Fine, but it limits how often I can see her.

Also rich people do spend money. Who do you think are buying the nice houses and clothing? It is simply that there are class differences in what they buy. So a barbour jacket for £300? Essential for country wear. Branded jackets at £300? No way! What a waste of money!!

This old trope again? I’m sure it’s occasionally true but mostly it’s just something people tell themselves so they can imagine the world is fair. But I can tell you from long experience that most people who spend a lot of money have a lot of money to spend. Exactly how much credit do you think people can get, and for how long, without the means to pay it off?

Is Barbour not a branded jacket? They appear to be quite conspicuously labeled but maybe there are more subtle ones that I just don’t recognize because the brand name is on the inside.

I spend a lot too: multi million dollar homes, first class travel but I don't make it central to my being and daily interactions. when I spend time in the company of those who have similar or more and they go on about it, it doesn't affect me- in fact, I can enjoy hearing it all. some of it earned, some passed on- it also doesn't leave me bitter as most other pp who mainly earned theirs like me, do.

however, you may know I have 3 homes, another would know I have 2. how many is never part of convo. when pp complain about costs of holiday, I don't find it necessary to show I go to some cool 5* places without paying a penny. yes, I am private and prefer keeping it that way, just to avoid chancers.

I am also on a board of a charity, and those who know me, must find it interesting that I need every spend properly thought through and justified, esp when funds are costed elsewhere. when necessary, I won't just sign off on 300 without understanding where it was coming from and if it is needed/ can wait.

Agree this is a trope.

I know a lot of rich people. None of them drive knackered small cars. The only person who does is me, and I am not rich at all.

The school car park is full of brand new defenders, teslas and discoverys. These are RICH people, they have immense amounts of money. They are not parvenus sticking it all on credit!

I really doubt any multi millionaires spend time on mum's Internet chat forums 😆

Long-term friendships are often formed and strengthened by shared experiences. Creating an understanding, trust, and a sense of shared history.

Additionally, when friends go through significant events together or challenging times, like overcoming difficulties or supporting each other during tough times, these shared moments can also create lasting relationships and trust. Such times may have no reflection on financial differences. Just pure understanding and empathy.

Maybe she's a good friend, but it doesn't work in a that social group. I have very good friends that I prefer to see on a one to one basis or in a group that we both feel comfortable with.