Struggle to relate to very rich friends

[Elizo]

So I am fortunate enough to not be especially hard-up, but am a public sector worker, bought my house when prices were cheaper. Good at watching money and have never had much disposable but that doesn't really bother me. We were fairly short of money as children and I am naturally very careful with money. Not to the point where I can't enjoy life, but I think about how I can't go out for too many meals etc. I know I am much luckier than most.

I have two friends who are v wealthy. Private schools, extremely expensive holidays, several houses in v expensive locations, domestic help at home - money is no object. I like them both but I feel like it is a barrier to being close. They also seem to forget that for most of us money is a barrier. I've had comments about would my children go to uni overseas, well no because the flights alone multiple times a year would be too much, let alone fees without a loan. I went to one of their parties recently and I left before the end because the boarding school, holiday, ski etc chat got too much. At one point they were laughing about how awful it would be to go to Centre Parcs. Er you should be lucky you can afford it. I have got more brazen about just saying, no, that isn't something that would be financially viable for us

YANBU - it's hard to be close to people who have a hugely different financial situation

YABU - who cares, it's doesn't matter

Most of my friends are on similar financial standing as me. One school mum that we (group of 6-8 mums) used to include just completely failed to read the room though. We'd be out to lunch and she'd be complaining that the villa they had rented in some Caribbean island was too windy as it was the wrong end, or the fact they would only be skiing twice this year, or their cinema rooms' air con wasn't working... we'd nod and say yes must be frustrating etc etc, meanwhile reeling at the sheer expense of it all.
Friendships are often formed over similar experiences and lifestyles. It can be hard if there is a huge disparity.

I know a self-made multi-millionaire and he happily goes to Center Parcs a couple of times a year and stays in a treehouse (even though he has a villa in the south of France, massive house in Florida, penthouse central London apartment he leaves empty except when he's visiting the city for fun etc.). So I think they were just being snobby tbh.

DH and I were in top 10% of earners all our careers so not hard up and due to being good with money are far better off than would be usual. I have a friend married to a multi millionaire. Her house is amazing she has a show kitchen and a kitchen she uses, how lovely is that! Anyway she is still the sunny funny girl I met first day of primary school, it is no bother.

Nothing to do with money but the thought of centre parks or posh Butlins as I call it does sound shite but I would keep that to myself and for that they are twatty.

I know someone who's going to uni overseas on a completely free scholarship.

Therefore by definition, cheaper than uni in the UK.

University in the UK is ££££££. Year 1 fees for my DC = £9,250.

Anyway. if you don't like them, don't be friends with them.

I know what you mean. This is why I think it is thoughtless rather than anything else. There was a point when a few of them laughed at the fact their children only turn left when they get on a plane. I nearly choked on my tea…

Oh FGS OP what are they supposed to do, not make jokes and not talk about these things because you are around? Wouldn't you find that patronising?

Well yes, that’s their reality - why shouldn’t they talk about/make jokes about it when amongst friends, the majority of which are in the same position as them?

When someone in a poorer financial situation makes comment on that, they’re generally not expected to make mention of those in an even poorer one. Not every statement has to be qualified with a privilege check.

I had a friend (now sadly passed away) who was from real old money. Very wealthy. We met at an activity that we both happened to enjoy and got on. She was quite happy to have lunch at McDonalds and never made me feel less than her because I had hardly any money.

ha ha - maybe!

I agree. They may be kind in some ways, but they are also judgemental arse holes.

@jeaux90 if you are making those kind of jokes, you are showing yourself to be a not very nice person.
I mean I would not go to Dubai. I do not make jokes in front of people who may wish they could afford a holiday in Dubai about how awful it would be to have a holiday there.
People often reveal their real attitudes through jokes.

I feel this way about my SIL. She used to be incredibly down to earth and grounded. Her DH has just gotten wealthier and wealthier over the years and now two decades later, I find even the simplest of conversations with her quite difficult, as they are off the charts wealthy. She is always asking questions I can’t engage with – about private schooling though my kids don’t go, what we think about a family safari for £4k each, when we’re going to extend our kitchen (to the tune of £100k), to book my daughter in at a riding school with her daughter for £500 a term. Etc etc.

She is a lovely person, but has just completely lost sight of how everyone else lives.

The hilarious thing is that DH and I actually do really well in life with £200k joint income and do have a lot to show for that, but it’s laughable how much further true wealth can take you and how even at our income level we still can’t talk on the same level.

mitogoshi
People do forget that others are different, especially when the money isn't earned. I had friends who had serious family money but both worked (niche jobs so won't say what) so on the surface they were like everyone else there typically earning decent salaries around the £70k mark but because of the vast inheritances for quite sad complicated reasons, they didn't live on the pocket money their jobs paid, think private schools, 3 other homes (which they did let friends use for free) etc mostly they remembered but would slip up in things like holiday talk and suggest a £2k a night hotel as better than a cheap hotel, that Costa Rica is really great for kids, that it's not safe to get your child an old car, best of all, not right to let youngsters work in fast food etc part time, you never know who else works there! Oh well things do have a way of getting their own back, for various reasons their fortunes changed and they split up

do you hear how mean you sound? They’re your friends?

This. Until recently I felt fairly well off, have a good job, decent income, we don't really want for anything.

We were at a party and were talking about childcare, how I needed to make it work around my work and keep it affordable, another women asked if I had considered a fancy private nursery and then moving DC into the school attached and then said 'well I suppose if you're a lower earner it's maybe not possible'

I knew these people existed but have never had a conversation with one before, it was the last conversation we had thank god. Personally, I wouldn't choose to socialise with people like that because clearly we don't have much in common, I don't have inherited wealth or the income to privately educate my children, work in a different sector and to be honest, can't see past that comment

I said I was pressured to leave school at fifteen. My parents were keen for me to leave and get a job. I refused.

I have two friends, equally wealthy. Two sons at a top public school, multiple houses around the world, skiing and sailing is normal for them.

And yet she is my closest friend. We had babies together, she is completely down to earth and yes, ok, they have more than me. I'm a single mum so only one income, but she's as happy in my kitchen eating home-made lemon drizzle as I am at hers. We like the same things. She works just as hard as I do.

It really doesn't bother me.

@AvrielFinch no I don't make those jokes but I guess you are missing my point. Which OP responded to....if they all decided to not talk or joke about it in front of her, would that not be patronising?

@jeaux90 I do not think the joke is appropriate anyway in front of anyone. It betrays their real attitudes. Horribly judgemental and quite snobby.
Its fine to say you would not want to go to Centerparcs. But to laugh at those who do (even if they are not present) is an awful attitude.

I think a lot of people get caught up in their own bubbles. I had a friend say to me a few weeks ago that she was gonna take it easy this summer and not work too much because the kids are growing so fast…the girl works approximately 4 shifts A MONTH, I just wondered what on earth she was saying that to me for as I work 9-5 5days a week and she knows that…

Erm I hate center parcs and might laugh about going there. Whats it’s got to do with money? Considering it’s bloody expensive too, even less.

I’d also rather take my £3k or so elsewhere on holiday.

@Mirrorcat why is it a joke? Why is that funny?
I am not saying you have to like centreparcs, but what us funny about not liking it?

I think OP's friends sound tone deaf. Laughing about how awful a Center Parcs holiday would be, IN FRONT of someone who would be in the lifestyle bracket to go to Center Parcs, is insensitive. Read the room.

Generally I think that income-gap friendships need a bit more consideration (probably on both sides) than friendships with people with a similar amount of money.

We are well off (not private jet, multi-mansion super-rich, but high income). Most of our friends are in a similar position. Talking about schools, holidays, house renovations, shopping etc is a bit easier with them; I don't have to filter things, and I also don't have to worry about suggesting expensive outings or restaurants for meeting up. I also have friends from my childhood who are lower income. We still have a lot in common and never run short of conversation. (I would say that I actually talk about the important stuff in life with all my friends, but with my higher-income friends then I don't need to worry about straying into the superficial rich-bitch stuff as well.) But with my lower-income friends then I check the cost of possible meet-ups before I suggest them, and I don't start whingeing about the fact that our pool boiler is acting up and the pool is getting really cold.

This is it. I don't mind chat about whatever they are doing. Asking me if I am considering private healthcare or schools feels bit thoughtless because on a single public sector income, er no I am not. When I say that wouldn't be affordable it takes a minute to process and suggests a lack of perspective to me. I have a very hard up neighbour. I won't be going on about my foreign holiday or asking if she is going on one because I know she is short of cash!

Ohh

good that you didn’t leave

@AvrielFinch honestly how do you cope with actual comedy? Or do you walk round mortally offended at everything.

The point was, would the OP prefer they patronise her and not talk about their holidays, their experiences and views etc in front of her. She said she might find it patronising yes.

Stick to what they are watching on Netflix and how the kids are doing?

I mean people talk and joke about their lives, latest thing OP was talking about was the fact they have private healthcare and she doesn't.

I suggest OP ditch these friends as they seem to keep pissing her off.