Struggle to relate to very rich friends

[Elizo]

So I am fortunate enough to not be especially hard-up, but am a public sector worker, bought my house when prices were cheaper. Good at watching money and have never had much disposable but that doesn't really bother me. We were fairly short of money as children and I am naturally very careful with money. Not to the point where I can't enjoy life, but I think about how I can't go out for too many meals etc. I know I am much luckier than most.

I have two friends who are v wealthy. Private schools, extremely expensive holidays, several houses in v expensive locations, domestic help at home - money is no object. I like them both but I feel like it is a barrier to being close. They also seem to forget that for most of us money is a barrier. I've had comments about would my children go to uni overseas, well no because the flights alone multiple times a year would be too much, let alone fees without a loan. I went to one of their parties recently and I left before the end because the boarding school, holiday, ski etc chat got too much. At one point they were laughing about how awful it would be to go to Centre Parcs. Er you should be lucky you can afford it. I have got more brazen about just saying, no, that isn't something that would be financially viable for us

YANBU - it's hard to be close to people who have a hugely different financial situation

YABU - who cares, it's doesn't matter

Is all part of life’s tapestry! I have friends who don’t have kids, I wouldn’t stop talking about my own becouse if it. I have friends rich and poor, it’s silly to pretend to be something your not. If you are uncomfortable with their wealth I would question why. If you find it boring becouse you can’t relate then should you continue this friendship? I am no longer friends with some stoners - not becouse I don’t like them, but we had little in common and I found them boring becouse I was sober :)

I get it op. It’s not a you problem. I think the more I smile and sound encouraging hearing about the new Porsche / yacht / holiday house/ private jet to go skiing, the more they think “ooh, I don’t need to filter around Mosquito, she’s cool with hearing about it” and it kind of snowballs from there.

the tricky thing is our kids are all at the same private schools but there is a massive gap between “fees taking every last penny” and fees being a rounding error in between the housekeeper’s salary and stable fees.

i have been thinking recently that I need to try and find some more normal income friends as the circle I’ve found myself in, whilst very nice people, is just too far removed from me and 99% of the population.

Unfortunately your friends appear to be not very nice and also tone deaf, not all people with a lot of money are like this. I have a very wealthy friend who would never speak in the manner in which you describe your friends talking.

Probably stuck in their own comfortable bubble.... I live in a deprived area but am lucky enough to afford a 3 monthly treat, high end meal out and troll around some expensive areas.... also know quite a few wealthy people from my home town. I really think they have no idea at all, it's easy to forget when I am away from it but if you never dip in.... well 🤔

I have richer friends and poorer ones, we always end up complaining about husbands and kids to be honest.

They sound dreadfully tone deaf. I would
consider myself well-off - we own a business, children in private school and a holiday home but I also grew up in a family where we weren’t short of anything but we weren’t wealthy either. I didn’t go abroad until I was 19 with my boyfriend and I had to save up like most people. I would also add that I love Center Parcs and despite having a good household income it is really expensive! I just think some people lose sight of things. Despite my fortunate current situation, I have had struggles over the years and I still add my shopping trolley up as I shop because money is hard earned and you never know when your situation might change. I think you need to find some friends that have more self-awareness.

I am on the other side of this, and I would suggest it can be uncomfortable for both sides. I am aware some of my friends think we have a privileged life and it is all effortless, but I have the same problems as everyone else, and some of our friends think if you throw enough money at something it will fix absolutely everything - I am sorry to say that isn't true either.

I do adapt my conversations around certain friends and avoid some subjects like the plague, but it is very tiring and I feel I have to watch what I say. I can't be as natural and relaxed as I would like to be, and I feel judged sometimes without even saying a word. I also never miss the sly comments and digs, and usually ignore them, but it is annoying.

I have friends that are in a similar position or more wealthy than us, and it is easier because we can talk more openly. I also attend parties and suppers that sound exactly as you describe, and are sometimes horribly snooty, but your friends can't censor everyone around them or be responsible for other people's comments, however those commenting about Centre Parcs and such like are usually from a place of insecurity. A small minority are always like this.

I find having friends from different circles and backgrounds incredibly interesting and multi dimensional, I have friends from all walks of life and judge them on their character and not on their bank balance.

Being wealthy doesn't give you a free pass in life, nor does it give you depth of character or a fine mind. I think you can keep an open mind, ignore the silly comments that arise from time to time and maybe start looking at the real person and not the gilded life.

If you would like meaningful friendships and not dinner party conversation - then you need to connect to your friends in a far deeper way, and start getting to know them beyond surface level.

Superficial conversations are very limiting. Take the conversation to a different level and see where that takes you, it might show you a whole new side to them that you haven't seen before - there is no such thing as a boring person in my experience, everyone has a story to tell.

And there’s me gutted because we CANT afford to go to center parcs this year before our new baby comes
maybe your friends need a little dose of reality OP, they don’t sound very nice with their wealth x

I’ve seen, on here, plenty of posters stating their dislike of Centre Parcs. Some wealthy, some not. Same goes for Butlins, package holidays, and Dubai. Making jokes about a type of holiday you dislike is hardly unusual, or a sign of an inherently awful person.

Also, they already live in reality. That they don’t share the same one as you does mean theirs is mythical.

I think a lot of people don’t fancy Centre Parcs because it’s a slightly out-of-the-ordinary holiday concept that won’t appeal to everyone. The restricted-access site, the identical chalets, the car-free policy, the cycling, the pre-determined activities…. Some people would see that and feel safe, reassured and confident; others might think it sounds restrictive, spoon-fed and a bit like the Truman Show - the ‘giant dome’ myth just won’t go away! They might enjoy a UK holiday but would prefer to rent a cottage and just go to a local cycle-trail, beach or country park for the day. Neither is right or wrong, or a criticism of someone who likes the other thing, it’s just different choices.

I think privilege high income and wealth can go to most people's heads. Private school upbringing tends to bring with it a very strong sense of entitlement as does growing up in a very high income family. It is astonishingly easy to get out of touch with everyday reality for most people.

Those with much poorer upbringing who end up much richer through luck or through hard graft plus talent tend to still remember their roots and remain more humble and sensitive.

In my friendship group I would be the friends you are talking about and if they are nice/good people - they would appreciate you having a chat about it and be suitably mortified - I would. We have all been friends for 25 years and all very different in fortunes - relationships/kids/money/heath etc We try celebrate the highs and be there for the lows but don't always get it right. If i id said insensitive things and been thoughtless and would honestly 100% want to know. I'd be so sad if I was making people uncomfortable or not spend time with me.

I bet they a new rich because no one old money would be so eager to talk like this. Therefore, yes they will be show off and thoughtless and uncaring in front of the pre millionaires.

You are missing the part where the friends scoff and laugh in horror at things they deem beneath them. Like centre parks.
If your friends with their multiple £20 million homes scoffed at things you do or would enjoy, would you still like them ?

This really is the most tired of tropes that I’ve only ever heard spouted by those that are neither.

Old money, new money, some money and no money, absolutely talk ‘like this’, by which I mean they talk about their lives, when amongst their friends.

I have one set who are very wealthy (multi millionaires) but they came from normal backgrounds and just had great business acumen and strong drive. I find them still very relatable even though they have all the trappings of serious money. Oddly the three couples I know with good jobs but massively boosted by family money are less relatable. I think they are more insulated perhaps.

I bet they a new rich because no one old money would be so eager to talk like this. Therefore, yes they will be show off and thoughtless and uncaring in front of the pre millionaires.

🙄

Posters on here laugh in horror at Centre Parcs and compare it unfavourably to Butlins. Disliking and joking about Centre Parcs, or anything for that matter, when amongst friends, the majority of which share the same opinion, is hardly unusual.

I think I probably would struggle to be honest.

I read so many times on MN of people who have friends from multi millionaires to others on benefits and I think how difficult it would be to find common ground - especially when doing activities together .

My friends are pretty much all 'average' earners, living in 'average' homes . Sure there is a bit of a difference eg carer and teacher, or a single parent as opposed to one whose husband is by far the main breadwinner - but none of us are at extremes or very wealthy / high earners .

What kind of activities do you mean, though?

I’m one of the people who has friends/family who are far, far richer than I am, and also far poorer. If it’s something like going on holidays together, we say what our budget is — we are renting a house in France with richer friends next week, and they will go on to a much fancier place after we go home. An insanely wealthy friend took us out on his boat last week. We paid for a pub meal where we put in. I will pay where I can with friends I know are on a tighter budget, or just do things that are inexpensive or free. DH has quite a few tickets for hard to get things because of his job, and we give these to people. Mostly we tend to have friends over for dinner or meet for a drink or at something like a gig or a play. I also go mountain climbing (in a lowgrade, non-technical way) with probably my richest close friend.

Fair enough @EmoCourt
You obviously have this worked out with your friends and it doesn't seem to be causing any issues for you.

I couldn't quite imagine it but I don't have any personal experience.

Of course there are exceptions to this, but...

When I was in my 20s I worked with an amazing woman boss (about mid-late 50s at the time). She was incredibly wise and inspiring and once, after a discussion similar to the OP, she calmly said 'It is very difficult to maintain friendships with people of very different incomes/wealth'. I was shocked at first, but have since come to understand what she means.

I'm not saying it's impossible! But it takes huge sensitivity, tact and kindness on both sides. On a basic level, wealthy people are just used to doing expensive activities which poorer friends can't join them in, so relationships can drift apart. It's not about snobbery - it's just money. It can be a minefield of embarrassment if one side isn't sure if the other can afford to do something with them (restaurant meal, skiiing holiday etc) and offence can easily be given.

Also, you get the situation where the wealthier friend might want to treat the poorer one - and that's embarrassing too.

I think I'm the poorest of my friendship group but it helps that I'm not naturally an envious person - I don't get hung up on inequality the way some people on MN seem to! I'm OK with them discussing Michelin-starred restaurant trips - in fact I'm fascinated - and exotic holiday without feeling threatened or like a second-class citizen.

But to deny it has the potential to cause issues is naive, I think.

They don't sound very nice. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that talking about second homes or slagging off things that others with less money do is unpleasant when some people have much less than you.

I do have some wealthy friends. I am not wealthy. Underneath the wealth they have similar problems but more money to make them bearable sometimes. Anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable I would just not see that much.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable; you move in different circles so it’s inevitable that you won’t have much in common. Probably time to distance yourself if you’re feeling out of place.

I will say though that everyone bashing them for having ‘rich’ preferences… why shouldn’t they have? They have the money to do those things over less expensive options so why not.

In my circle of friends I’m the high earner - not rich by any means, just comfortable, we both work and earn about £150k between us, fairly evenly split on the earnings. The contrast comes in that we live in a deprived area and for various reasons many of my friends don’t work or live on one quite low wage.

It can make conversation very awkward at times, and not because I’m insensitive. I’m acutely aware that we have more disposable income and am considerate of that when interacting. But at the same time while I don’t boast, I refuse to pretend we’re not comfortable. We work really hard in demanding jobs and have been doing for the past 20 years to get to this point and are damned proud of the foundation we’ve built for ourself and our child.

But when asked ‘anyone fancy (event on Facebook)?’ And I respond ‘sorry we’re away or we would have done, looks really good’, it’s not fair that I should get criticised because ‘didn’t you just go away at Easter? I cant even afford to go away once’. It’s not my fault that we made good (but sometimes very hard) decisions in order to be where we are now, while others chose to make different decisions.

Would you feel the same if you had very very poor friends OP?

Would you struggle to be friends with them because their life experience doesn't reflect yours. If they struggled to put food on the table, or clothe their kids would you see that as a barrier to friendship because it isn't your own personal experience?

If the answer is no, them having no money wouldn't be a barrier to being friends, then you are being very judgey of your friends who are better off than you.