To want to kick them both out

[Absolutelyraging]

It was agreed after discussion that DD could allow her bf to move in as long as he found full time work.
They both work, he full-time and dd part time.
They had started to pay towards the bills.

They had pre booked a holiday since last year and they went abroad for 2 weeks at start of July.

They returned totally skint, both having spent their entire wages during this holiday. It has meant that neither of them could afford fuel/ bus to get to work and back. They have no money for food and haven’t been able to pay towards the gas/ electricity or council tax. I don’t charge them rent as my mortgage is almost non existent now.
They have to wait to the end of the month to be paid again.

They both have ADHD so understand that impulsivity can play a part in budgeting but surely not on such a huge scale !?

He's had to borrow money off his family to fuel his car.
They live mainly on pasta dishes as it’s cheap.
I give DD the minimum to get to work and back and enough for a snack.

I’ve told DD that if it happens again she’ll have no job and bf will be asked to leave. His family are a couple of hours away so it was a long distance relationship for them.

Short of reading them the riot act, I don’t know what else to do but I’m absolutely livid !

They both say they’ve reflected on how this happened and say they got carried away.
Does anyone with an ounce of common sense get carried away to this extent?

If I did that we’d have no house to live in. Because no one would bail me out.

Well this is just a vent for a rant really but would be interesting to hear what others would do or if you’ve experienced this, how did you deal with it?

Very immature and short sighted of them. But on the upside at least they
A. Came home safely
And
B. Didn't come home pregnant

I thought they'd be younger.

They messed up and you're rightly pissed.

I wouldn't kick them out, but you can make them pay you what they owe with the next month's rent or instalmentally. Never to early to teach them responsibility, especially if they're impulsive. Adults don't get to not pay their bills without penalty because they have ADHD, so this is a great learning opportunity.

Yes, I agree with the 4-5 years younger and have read that too.

For those asking why dd is only p/t, it’s because she had quite severe MH issues prior to adhd diagnosis and getting any job was a huge achievement.
She’s on meds and coming on in leaps and bounds. It’s like black and white for her so I’m am hugely proud of her from that point of view.

She is applying for increased hours and for a more senior role though.

Not a biggie problem as far as I'm concerned. Let it be a lesson for them. Young people can cause much bigger 'problems'. Let it go

There's nothing wrong with P/T if she's generally earning enough to pay for the essentials.

Maybe cut her some slack then? She blew through money on a holiday but isn't that better than her being stuck at home struggling with poor mental health like in the past?

Sounds like she's making really good progress.

I understand you are annoyed with her at the moment, but there are lots of reasons to be proud of her too so I hope once you cool off you can repair the lost trust.

My adhd dd (20yo) would be encouraged/told to put some money aside in a 'pot' in Monzo.
This is sensible, has been done (before she went to a festival) and we talked about why it's a good idea. She knows that's the best thing to do.

But....Those pots are not inaccessible.

Her impulsivity whilst on holiday would have her moving said money from the 'saving' pot to her 'spending' pot. No thought of the consequences in one weeks time. She would be living for the here and now of that moment.

Yes, she is unmedicated (we're working on this). And yes, this is a constant occurrence despite knowing beforehand it's not the best idea.

That's what impulsivity in severe ADHD looks like. She CANNOT help it.

You can lock pots, you could also keep it for her and have her call you.
Of course, there's a limit to what this can do, if she spends it all and needs it for essentials your not going to leave her destitute

Spoke to dd and she says she has ‘pots’
Trouble is she can move them!

I appreciate everyone’s input on this thread. It’s helped put things into perspective.

I have ‘ chilled’ and in next few days will be having a discussion with them both regarding bills, future goals, saving and spending.

They have previously said they want to save up to move out but obviously they’re struggling with it. So maybe charging them “ rent” and putting it aside for them is the way to go.

Definitely charge rent. And not a tiny sum, a meaningful amount.

If you are going to save it, don’t tell them you’re saving it. (He won’t get any money anyway, you’d be saving it for dd).

Ha ha I and my friends were like that in our 20s - and I bought a house at 21 so was always robbing Peter to pay Paul to keep afloat! (Yes - I know how lucky I was to be able to do that back in the 80s).

I worked in a bank and we weren't allowed overdrafts - but used to cash cheques in the local Tescos knowing they took three days to be presented. You could do that twice a week up until payday......

We also could get credit cards. I don't advise debt but as a one-off to bail themselves out your DD and BF could do something like that to tide them over.

But mainly I did whatever I could to earn money. I did evening bar work and weekend mobile bars for weddings and clubs. I was on call for the cashpoint machine getting jammed. I did vote counting for local elections. I took in lodgers.

When you have the budgeting chat - talk about work ethic. If they want to spend they have to be prepared to earn the money!

It’s a learning Curve. Learning to live by a budget is an essential life skill.
sit them both down and go through their wages and bills with them. There’s no excuse for them not to be saving

Mmmm, tricky, I never really did this, even as a youngster as overdrafts and credit cards were trickier to secure in the 90’s but mostly I had no back up plan or support. I often under budgeted on holiday and ran out of money! I do understand that ADHD plays a big part in this and at least they are recognising their mistake and hopefully learning from it. I have friends (with ADHD) who earn a good salary who do this most months but personally I think the clear boundaries you have set are a good lesson for them for the future.

Seriously? OP has to bail her adult daughter out after she spent all her wages knowing that she had to pay to get to work, feed herself and contribute towards household bills. Why wouldn't the OP be angry, she is having to dip into her purse because an adult has no care or control.

So they’re living paycheck to paycheck like most people who even have more responsibilities like than them like kids. You’re over reacting

A lot of people I know don't charge their kids rent as such... But they take the money from them and put it aside for a house deposit for them. It then teaches them they can't live for free and shows them how to budget.

FFS isn’t it obvious why she is angry?

I pressed UANBU by mistake. They are young. Christ I did much worse things at that age. I only fully matured at around 26/27 and made better decisions then. I’d just be glad they had a blast and lend them 50 quid to get through the rest of the month. You need to relax.

No. It's their first holiday together. Both have ADHD and they fucked up, it happens. Young people do occasionally and generally their parents help them out and help them not to do it again.

Lots of people on the side of the young couple, I’m on mums side. They have had a great time, she’s not been on holiday but has all this to sort. I wouldn’t have had any safety net so it made us more realistic with ours . This didn’t mean taking over all that mess , I applaud how fair she’s been but bf needs to go home. I wouldn’t help again.

It’s their second holiday together. Last time they came home with surplus cash so I wasn’t expecting this.
And @restingbitchface30 , it’s not just £50, it’s feeding 2 adults for over 2 weeks as well as getting them to work and back daily.

We’ve talked about it now and they’ve learned ( I hope). They will be paying rent which I’ll save towards a deposit for them ( they don’t know).They will be saving too and we’ll review in a few months.

It’s actually not the money I’m so concerned about. It’s trying to get my head around how anyone could make themselves so skint they can’t afford to go to work, then expect that someone else will unquestioningly pay up.

It can’t be dismissed as just a mistake.

I’ve put it down to the ADHD for now and moved on.

@Absolutelyraging did you find out what they spent all the money on?

DD said it’s because she took her bank card, paid contactless and lost track of how much she was spending. Lots of little things adding up. I think same for bf but even then they have little to show for it.
Last year they both took Euros in cash and put it in 14 envelopes for their daily budget.

Little things adding up to thousands.. and nothing to show for?

Sorry OP, but more likely fancy restaurants, casinos, alcohol or drugs.