To want to kick them both out

[Absolutelyraging]

It was agreed after discussion that DD could allow her bf to move in as long as he found full time work.
They both work, he full-time and dd part time.
They had started to pay towards the bills.

They had pre booked a holiday since last year and they went abroad for 2 weeks at start of July.

They returned totally skint, both having spent their entire wages during this holiday. It has meant that neither of them could afford fuel/ bus to get to work and back. They have no money for food and haven’t been able to pay towards the gas/ electricity or council tax. I don’t charge them rent as my mortgage is almost non existent now.
They have to wait to the end of the month to be paid again.

They both have ADHD so understand that impulsivity can play a part in budgeting but surely not on such a huge scale !?

He's had to borrow money off his family to fuel his car.
They live mainly on pasta dishes as it’s cheap.
I give DD the minimum to get to work and back and enough for a snack.

I’ve told DD that if it happens again she’ll have no job and bf will be asked to leave. His family are a couple of hours away so it was a long distance relationship for them.

Short of reading them the riot act, I don’t know what else to do but I’m absolutely livid !

They both say they’ve reflected on how this happened and say they got carried away.
Does anyone with an ounce of common sense get carried away to this extent?

If I did that we’d have no house to live in. Because no one would bail me out.

Well this is just a vent for a rant really but would be interesting to hear what others would do or if you’ve experienced this, how did you deal with it?

ADHD absolutely is an excuse for this sort of thing... As well as being young....and too much fun in the sun..

Maybe once you've calmed down help your daughter set up one of those accounts with different pots for things..so she can help herself in the future...
Im sure it is very frustrating (i am and my dc all have adhd or co morbids) so i do understand how annoying it is and have also worked since 16 but had was a financial nightmare til my 30s...and just only kept a roof over my head .
Oddly enough having a miser for a boyfriend got me on track!

Is she on medication for her ADHD.. at least shes working....

I Said if it happens again maybe her bf should move back to his parents as I can’t afford to bail out 2 people.

'Maybe' he should move back is too wishy washy OP, they're not going to pay much notice to that.

They will take notice of cash. Ask for £500pm from him and £300pm from your dd.

£100 each a day isn’t unreasonable at all. That assumes you have the £100 to spend. £10 a day is a lot if you’ve only got £5.

Old enough to work
Old enough to have a boy/girlfriend
Old enough to go on holiday

In that case, they are definitely Old enough to pay some rent & budget !

Start charging them rent, even if you put this away each month for them

Get them to set up a regular ISA or LISA to ensure tax free savings

Money Saving Expert website is a good place to start looking

They need to start saving for next year's holiday

Why is your DD only working PT ?

I think it's fairly common for people with adhd to be impulsive woth money. That's been my experience anyway. Hopefully they've learnt their lesson.

I am really dreading the future, as much of MN would like it:

2054: I log on to MN, 82 and with 52-year-old DC plus their partners and their DC still at home, defying capitalism and the brutal system that forces people to work full time. They are rebels!, iconoclasts, renegades! Meanwhile, I am boring, so I am still working full time and would like to cut my hours because I can't keep subsidising them
Poster1: Their brains don't develop till they are 60, you know!
Poster 2: Your DC have a home with you for life! You don't stop being a parent when they turn 50! How could you possibly think of throwing your own kin out of the house.

Exactly. I remember having to skip lunch at work in my 20s as I'd spent all my money and maxed out my credit card. You live and learn. I'd be cross if they just expected me to pick up the bills for them though and would reinforce some lessons about managing finances.

Some parents on the other hand might be rubbing their hands together with glee and celebrating that it’s not them bearing the cost

Bullshit.
I too have ADHD and at 19 had to work PT to eat while at university.
If I'd blown all my money like this I'd have faced the consequences.
In fact knowing that you have ADHD makes it less of an excuse because you can put checks in place.

Of course they have reflected etc but they should be helping themselves ADD magazine has a lot of good resources.

However OP should also be charging them a realistic amount to live.

It's not just the blowing money they are living for free and have no savings.

I'm not saying that the mistake is big, we all make them, but they should face consequences and not be bailed out. Either by paying the money back, or having no money for the next few months.

In my culture it's absolutely expected that kids stay at home until they marry but they're absolutely expected to contribute and do chores as an equal adult.
Only on MN are kids subbed to this extent.

By 23 I had a mortgage to pay.

I'm now 27.
I'd be Fuming too OP. It's bloody lucky they had someone to bail them out.

I'm surprised at the amount of slack people are cutting them tbh.

I am from a similar culture. I defied expectations and left! So did DH.

I also have ADHD and I budget extremely carefully, some would say obsessively, with closely managed spreadsheets. That's because I've developed a strategy which works and got into a habit, due to the simple fact I've lived on the poverty line for such a large part of my young adulthood.

I wouldn't say it's necessarily a good thing and I have a lot of anxiety around money. If I didn't have ADHD I probably wouldn't need to control the finances so tightly.

You cannot say (with any ND) this is not an issue for me or I have developed a strategy to manage this issue, and then assume that everyone else with the same ND can use the same strategy or not have that issue.

Been there. We call this kind of thing the ADHD tax in our house. You need to ensure your DD knows how to budget. Monzo is your friend here, they can set up lots of different pots and savings accounts and auto transfer when they get paid. Take away the need to remember each month. Also make sure you get paid by bank transfer immediately when they do. If you haven't taught her how to budget then I would suggest this is a conversation that might help.

If they both have ADHD, then budgeting properly is going to be an issue.

Having said that I would be annoyed that this situation occurred and that I was having to bail them out. They do need to pay you more for the next couple of months to repay you for what you have spent out.

My son has ASD and is on a waiting list for an ADHD assessment. His budgetting is rubbish, but he acknowledges this and we are going to be tackling this. At the moment he voluntarily gives me all his wages and I pay some into his savings, pay his driving lessons and then give him spending money each week. We have agreed that once he has bought a particular item he has been saving for, then we will change things so he has more control, but I will still be ensuring he continues to save.

ADHD is an explanation, rather than an excuse. They do need to acknowledge this was a cock up on their part and sort out a savings plan of some sort.

The issue here is not strategy or disability top trumps. It's whether something, objectively speaking, is an issue.
If it is an issue, i.e. it causes problems, an effort needs to be made to solve it.
Depending on the severity of ND it may or may not be unsolvable, but one needs to TRY.

Stimming , fidgeting for example - not a problem.

Lack of budgeting skills - absolutely a problem, that has the potential to ruin lives.

Saying 'oh I have ADHD so it's ok' isn't going to find you a place to stay when you have a CCJ, lots of debt or magic up food when you've run out of money.

P.s. you say it's not a good thing but so many others have no choice ADHD or not. They have to budget closely because they don't have the money loads of people also oversoend without ADHD.

Bottom line - OP needs to start getting them used to the real world (her daughter as well as the BF who somehow she's now the parent for too) otherwise she'll be stuck with them forever.

Perhaps op has shared her own house budget with her dd since tiny? Got her bank cards as soon as she could so dd could save £ snd spend and separate her funds?
Maybe op shows dd all this and teaches her budgeting, saving v investing and here dd still can't get it.

No-one has said that. What has been said is that considering they both have ADHD there is a reason why they are more likely to make mistakes like this and they need a bit of understanding whilst they sort it out. Throwing them out isn't going to help them get better at budgeting.

It's not infantalising to recognise a disability and the impact it can have.

You were capable of moving abroad and starting a family because you don't have a neurological disorder. It doesn't make you a better person, it's just how cards are dealt.

OP, I am 42. I'm freelance so that doesn't help, but my budgeting skills are non-existent. It has taken my daft little ADHD brain this long to get myself a different bank account into which I pay myself a chunk of money weekly. Only now am I not constantly running out of money and panicking all the time.

Give them a little bit of slack. Offer to help them with budgeting. Would you really kick them out over this? What would the consequences for your relationship with your daughter be?

But you didn't say anything about the disability. You said the human brain doesn't mature until 27. Which I disagree with.
If the OPs DD can't manage finances because of ADHD, why make her life harder by taking on the parenting of another ADHD person? Let his parents sort him out. Can't have it both ways. Either he is a functioning adult or not.

This

No one is making excuses or saying its not possible to put strategies in place but some of these replies have a nasty undercurrent of ableism and clear ignorance of ADHD.

ADHD is not an excuse ....

Yes it is. A massive reason why this has happened. As her mother, do you not get the effects ADHD can have?? Impulsive spending being one of them.

ADHD is classed as a disability and whilst it can be the most infuriating thing for those without it/living with someone who has it, it is not their fault 😐

@MrsSunshine2b The post I replied to which you commented on, wasn't about kicking them both out. PP saying ADHD is an excuse and is frustrating. Implying it should just be accepted. I strongly disagree with that.By disagree I mean action should be taken in terms of management.

Not kicking out which is a different matter. I don't think OP should kick her own daughter out, unless as a last resort.

Her boyfriend however is a different matter. She has no responsibility to him and isn't his parent to be erm helping him she has her hands full with her own daughter.

If he can't pay his way like an adult, he should stay in his family home. Or pay rent to a landlord who won't be so lenient.

Living together with your girlfriend is an adult thing to do and if he can't manage that it's his own family who should be responsible not the OP.

I didn't mention the brain. You must have me confused with someone else.

But having said that it's proven scientific fact so I'm not sure how you can disagree with human biology.

A disability by definition means a difficulty functioning in that particular area. It does not make anyone a lesser person. They are no less adult than anyone else.