To want to kick them both out

[Absolutelyraging]

It was agreed after discussion that DD could allow her bf to move in as long as he found full time work.
They both work, he full-time and dd part time.
They had started to pay towards the bills.

They had pre booked a holiday since last year and they went abroad for 2 weeks at start of July.

They returned totally skint, both having spent their entire wages during this holiday. It has meant that neither of them could afford fuel/ bus to get to work and back. They have no money for food and haven’t been able to pay towards the gas/ electricity or council tax. I don’t charge them rent as my mortgage is almost non existent now.
They have to wait to the end of the month to be paid again.

They both have ADHD so understand that impulsivity can play a part in budgeting but surely not on such a huge scale !?

He's had to borrow money off his family to fuel his car.
They live mainly on pasta dishes as it’s cheap.
I give DD the minimum to get to work and back and enough for a snack.

I’ve told DD that if it happens again she’ll have no job and bf will be asked to leave. His family are a couple of hours away so it was a long distance relationship for them.

Short of reading them the riot act, I don’t know what else to do but I’m absolutely livid !

They both say they’ve reflected on how this happened and say they got carried away.
Does anyone with an ounce of common sense get carried away to this extent?

If I did that we’d have no house to live in. Because no one would bail me out.

Well this is just a vent for a rant really but would be interesting to hear what others would do or if you’ve experienced this, how did you deal with it?

yes but saying "ADHD therefore impulsive with money" is like me saying 'I get dizzy on ladders" when you know stuff about yourself then you have to take mitigating measures, put the money you mustn't spend out of your reach and (for me) get rid of the tall ladder!

I say that my son's ASD/ADHD "explains" his behaviours, rather than "excuses" them.

Saying it's an excuse, in my opinion, implies that it doesn't matter and doesn't need to be addressed.

Well @Willyoujustbequiet we will have to agree to disagree on that but I see from the OPs update that she is a moderate earner and wants to tell the boyfriend that if there is a repeat of this, he has to move out. Which I think is perfectly fair. She is under no obligation to support two adults, one of whom is unrelated to her. Ableist or not.

They have no responsibilities, so they blow their money

They pay no rent
You give them money if they run out of money

Do they have ?
Emergency savings
Savings
Over draft
Pay into a work pension

Bank of Mum & Dad

I didn't say she was.

But a bit more understanding as to how a neurological disorder can affect her own child wouldn't hurt.

ADHD is not an excuse.

… how to say you know bugger all about ADHD - or neurodiversity or brain development in the under 25s - without saying it. Because, yes, it is an excuse/explanation.

OP, they messed up. Hopefully they will learn from it. Knowing they had ADHD, had they been my DD and her BF, I’d have spoken to them and made sure in advance that they had put aside money for when they got back/checked they had savings for the month. But both my kids, sisters, brother and myself are ADHD (with lashings of ASD) thrown in. They are staying with you, so very fortunate on this occasion they don’t have a landlord/co-tennants that they’ve pissed off.

I’d sit down with them and have a conversation - discuss how they will need to budget to repay you any money you are subbing them along with the money they owe you for rent. Make clear that you are (rightly) unimpressed (and rather pissed off with them) and that they need to do better next time. Support them in setting up an account to start saving for future cock ups (as there will be many). TBH, given my experience with my two, I’d have been bloody stunned they made it there and back without mishap, injury or losing their passports along the way - but my expectations are probably lower than most 🤣

And I do share your pain, having one at home whose ADHD has seen her drop out of 6th form twice, apply to tech college and change her mind about the course twice already before we’ve even started. ADHD is difficult to manage. There are some great psychotherapists who are brilliant for helping young people ADHD/ASD become better at regulating impulses (and anxiety, etc) who might be worth investigating, too.

I'd be pissed off. Before I get loaded for it being a long time ago, I'm in my early 30s. At 22 I lived in a foreign country, with a bf, rent/ bills/ car all of that. I am sure we messed up in some places but over all manged and there was no one to bail us out.

Yes well you're not going to kick them out. But I would be making sure DD knew that this was a one time thing. If she doesn't sort it better the next time she won't be bailed out by you.

You have a choice to go up a ladder or not. You don't have to be up a ladder 24/7.

No one is making excuses but it's not comparable.

Exactly
Also @CharlotteRumpling completely agreed. Not a single person on the thread has said OP should kick her daughter out. But she owes BF nothing
Also ADHD or not, OP has no mortgage but that doesn't mean she's made of money. She's a sole moderate earner and considering how much bills have shot up .. what if she loses her job...etc.

Maybe BF family should be paying OP his keep!

Do you think ADHD, or any neurodivergency is similar to dizzy spells and the need to avoid ladders? That's like suggesting a physically disabled person just puts away their wheelchair and gets on with it.

The attitude of some posters here is appalling.

Sparrowball - I agree

You get dizzy if you go up a ladder so you make a choice not to go up a ladder. Someone with ADHD does not have a choice about it. It is there with them permanently

It's shocking isn't it. Even by mumsnet standards.

What’s their long term plan?

The good old Mumsnet superiority, sent down the mines as children and earning 6 figure salaries at 30, also managed to bag a 7ft husband who earns more along the way.

I don't want to be that person, but actually, this "fact" is commonly misunderstood.

The researchers in this study studied adults UP TO 27, and found that the brain was still continuing to develop at 27. They then stopped the research.

It's highly probably that the brain continues to develop throughout your life (until it starts to decline with old age I suppose). So, no-one has fully matured and we are all continuing to learn and develop and should probably give each other a bit of grace.

We also know that people with ADHD are maybe 4-5 years delayed compared to NT people in their brain development, so these young adults, at 22 and 23, are more like 17/18 developmentally and are doing their best.

The daughter and boyfriend have jobs and have organised themselves to go abroad on holiday. So they are clearly high functioning enough to be able to hold them to the same financial expectation as anyone else that you pay your own way and prioritise your bills/roof over your head before having a good time. That is not being ableist. OP can have the discussion with them on what “reasonable adjustments” she can make with them that helps them do that but it does them no favours to let them just go “what am I like” because landlords and utility companies expect to be paid.

It wasn't actually me who quoted the 27 figure but yes I'd absolutely agree with your comment regarding a 4/5 delay. Dc pysch said as much. That's why posters saying they climbed Everest or whatever at the same age is an utterly pointless comparison.

Why doesn't your DD work full time? Is she still in education? If not I'd be expecting her to up her game and find more work hours. In future insist on payment towards food/bills the month in advance. I'd be suggesting DD opens a savings account too but appreciate she may not listen to you. Being 22 is not an excuse. Neither is having ADHD because my DS has it too and he has to pay his mortgage and knows he must put aside the money for mortgage, council tax, gas and electricity all before he buys food. Then he saves a small amount for emergencies and then whatever is left is his to spend how he pleases. My DH helped him work out how much to set aside and then he did direct debits. He also knows if he wants a holiday he has to do overtime or cut back on going out/takeaways.

Would they be open to help with how to budget through the year? If they are saving every month, this shouldn't happen again?

I would be pissed off too in your position, but it sounds like poor planning on their parts, so they need to learn from their mistake.

I have ADHD, I don't think blowing all your money on a holiday is an ADHD tax.

ADHD tax is delaying shopping around for car insurance when you're nearing renewal.

It's forgetting to use vouchers until they expire and are no good.

It's not claiming on your house insurance until it's too late.

It's not banking your HMRC tax refund cheque until it's too late.

Lesson learned for next time hopefully(for them), why don't you make them pay you back next month? So they learn what the consequences are and that they have to live on a budget with no treats to make up for being frivolous on holiday.

ADHD tax is different for different people. I don't do any of the things you mention.

My ADHD tax is constantly losing things and needing to rebuy them, and wasting money on tickets for events/public transport by forgetting or being late.

These young people have a different one.

I think that if they were really apologetic and had a plan to pay you back (and you are able to cover bills for now) then OK. But if they've just told you that there's no money and expect you to sort it out then that's crap, especially for the bf who you are doing a massive favour to by letting him live there.

Also this shows that, regardless of what they've told you, they have no savings and no immediate plans to move out.... which is more worrying!

yes it is. Their choice was to put money they shouldn't be spending out of their reach before they went into the risky exciting situation.

Galoop · Today 02:09
Don't blame it on ADHD...

Absolutely. Having a condition that's characterised by impulsive behaviour is no excuse for impulsive behaviour.

Next we'll have blind people blaming their blindness for not having seen things.