To want to kick them both out

[Absolutelyraging]

It was agreed after discussion that DD could allow her bf to move in as long as he found full time work.
They both work, he full-time and dd part time.
They had started to pay towards the bills.

They had pre booked a holiday since last year and they went abroad for 2 weeks at start of July.

They returned totally skint, both having spent their entire wages during this holiday. It has meant that neither of them could afford fuel/ bus to get to work and back. They have no money for food and haven’t been able to pay towards the gas/ electricity or council tax. I don’t charge them rent as my mortgage is almost non existent now.
They have to wait to the end of the month to be paid again.

They both have ADHD so understand that impulsivity can play a part in budgeting but surely not on such a huge scale !?

He's had to borrow money off his family to fuel his car.
They live mainly on pasta dishes as it’s cheap.
I give DD the minimum to get to work and back and enough for a snack.

I’ve told DD that if it happens again she’ll have no job and bf will be asked to leave. His family are a couple of hours away so it was a long distance relationship for them.

Short of reading them the riot act, I don’t know what else to do but I’m absolutely livid !

They both say they’ve reflected on how this happened and say they got carried away.
Does anyone with an ounce of common sense get carried away to this extent?

If I did that we’d have no house to live in. Because no one would bail me out.

Well this is just a vent for a rant really but would be interesting to hear what others would do or if you’ve experienced this, how did you deal with it?

Well exactly. Some people have children of their own at that age and are budgeting for food and clothing for another human.

It does no good to a 23 year old to say they don't understand what they're doing and are reckless with money. They absolutely understand and it's this attitude that fosters it.

@Tourmalines they will know he's overspent, but they won't know he's living rent free? They are two separate things.

If bf earns 1300 for two weeks work.earli 20s I want his job..I'm.a teacher and don't earn that and I am 30years older than him.

He shouldn't be living rent free anyway, that's a whole other issue. They should both be paying a small amount of rent which could be put into a separate savings pot.

Indeed. I would probably ask my DS how he was managing to live without paying any rent though.I wouldn't let it slide.

The ADHD will have played a big part. DS is like this, cannot manage his money. Two of them would have doubled the impulsive behaviour.

It’s probably good that you gave them a bit of a shock, but calm down about it now. See if they get themselves straight after being read the Riot Act. Longer term, they need to be able to budget to live independently.

Your reaction is really over the top.
What does kicking them out do?
This has been a one off event, it’s not not ideal but it’s not like they’ve done this every month.
It will be a lesson for them. Theres nothing wrong with them living with the consequences of their actions and eating pasta every night for dinner.

Yes, he doesn’t have to tell them about the rent . But maybe he has . Do they care ? Maybe yes, maybe not .

SunflowersMidwinter
yes sorry, everyone should probably never be used! Well done, Id love to be that organised (you’d hate the way we operate here but it’s who we are really!!) Have a good day

ADHD - Could you help set them up a small savings scheme? Or overcharge on something and do it for them? This is slightly babying them but considering the ADHD angle?

tbh early 20’s I burned through money and lived in my overdraft but still thought new clothes every month, went out and went on very cheap holidays.

If they did not have OP then were would they be?

They do not have a fall back position with that sort of financial acumen.

I think to want to chuck them out is a bit severe and I think them having to ask for lifts/ borrow money for fuel etc is an already embarrassing lesson for them.

However, at 22 and 23 they should be financially responsible enough not to blow their entire pay packet on a holiday, especially with accommodation already paid for!

OP I think you need to sit down with your DD regarding setting up a savings account for herself. If you’re not going to charge them rent then I think you must stipulate that if they’re to live with you then she needs to be saving that amount in a help to buy ISA and a savings accounts. You want proof that she’s a regular saver, so you know if she gets herself in a pickle again then she will have money aside to fall back on. I think that’s a very fair compromise as you’re helping set her up for the future. If they don’t like it well they know where the door is. Good luck OP.

I wouldn’t kick them out, BUT you are right to be annoyed. They are not kids and there isn’t really an excuse. I knew how to budget at a much younger age than that and people need to take responsibility for their own finances.

Op apologies if it's been missed. They need urgent financial education.
Do you yourself have a spreadsheet?
We do, well I have a list which I write each month and dh has his spreadsheet.
Each month by 9 30 on pay day each penny has been assigned.
X to bills /essential x to holiday (small amounts each each month) x to weekends spends x to car fund and so on. X to short term saving, x to longer term saving

Can you sit down with them and get their wage and ask them to break down their expenses like this?

If necessary they can draw cash out and put it into physical tins each month.
Then by the time of the next holiday they will have plenty saved

Many many young people rich and poor don't understand money op. I would think of this as a teaching opportunity.

• sorry and I show dc this list each month.

*what other people do and don't kmow about money is entirely irrelevant. These two people don't know, it's not taught anywhere.
This is a learning moment.
I would also charge a nominal rent op even v small amount.
I would also make living there a stipulation of seeing proof they start to save towards holidays and extras and proof of proper money management.

@Tourmalines that's the point I was making! Not sure what you're trying to say to me?

My original answer was in response to a PP saying weren't his parents unhappy with him living rent feee.

So I answered..... perhaps they don't know?

Which is what you've now said.

@DahliaRose3 flowers are more gentle 🤣

I would say it's a life lesson for them.
Similar happened to my son when he was about 21.
I do think you are completely over reacting if everything else is OK though. It's not a tragedy, just a fuck up.

Have they been taught to budget? For some people it's common sense, for others they need to be shown. I have always been good ( except once when I was 19 and went to Ibiza) because it was drummed into me from a young age that you spend your money on 'bills first, then some in saving and then the rest is fun money, but make sure you have enough until you get some more'

To all those who say they did/would have done the same - what would you have done if you had no one to bail you out?
Struggled until I next got paid and learned my lesson!

If they did not have OP then were would they be?
They do not have a fall back position with that sort of financial acumen.
what's the point of this question. They did have the op to fall back on. This will be a massive learning curve and they will know that they messed up and how to avoid it next time.

If any mn on here that are criticising the young couple have never dropped the ball and made a mistake,then fair enough but most people when they are young have made budgetting errors. Mine was buying far too many clothes. However I soon learned. This young couple will no doubt learn as well.

I’d be fuming, OP. They’d be gone if it was my house - at that age they more than capable of standing on their own two feet.
Fuming? Blimey! They over spent and were daft. Maybe be annoyed but fuming and kick them out is just ridiculous if there's no other problems 🙄

Has your DD got a savings plan?
Have you taught her how to budget?

I think your approach is the worst of both worlds to be honest. Overreacting by getting very angry with them, but also not expecting the money you’ve subbed and missed bills to be paid back? That’s not teaching them anything.

I’d use this as an opportunity to explain that you got mad because you were frustrated that they are bringing in more as a couple than you are, but you are paying almost all the expenses. So that needs to change, and they will be expected to start paying some bed and board. Even £500 between them is a great deal, and they can decide between them how to split it. (Though I’d then be checking your DD isn’t shouldering the lot!)

This. You’re extreme and shaming them. They are living very frugally now.

Stop trying to make them 40 somethings. The human brain doesn’t fully mature until 27.

Be kind OP. I can’t believe you’d consider chucking your own DD out of your house. Sometimes you have to allow people to make mistakes and still love them. Are you perfect in every area or your life? No one is.

I have ADHD and impulsive spending has been an enormous issue for me. Don't underestimate the impact of this, especially with two of them having the same challenges and not providing a grounding influence to each other.

At the risk of sounding like I'm blaming you, which will no doubt get some backs up, what support has DD had with her ADHD? What was she taught with regards to budgeting and life skills as a child and teen? In my case, I received no diagnosis or support as a kid and not even a single scrap of information or advice about how to navigate bills, saving, budgeting, investments, mortgages, pensions. I know this is true of lots of people and so some will say "that's life". I also know lots of people, especially ADHDers, have suffered massively as a result and I feel strongly that it's a massive part of being a responsible parent to prepare your children to handle their finances. I take that responsibility very seriously with my own children. Perhaps you did too and DD just isn't taking responsibility for using the skills she was taught. But if not, I'm not sure it's very fair for you to be "livid" with her.

On these threads, people also argue that your children are your children for life and deserve a home forever and ever in these tough times. OK, i will buy that. But when did it become accepted practice to also have to take in their partners and have to parent them too?

The human brain doesn't mature till 27?! By that age I had moved to another country, managing my own finances, and started a family. We are really infantilising this generation and doing them no favours.

This seldom works. They will never be independent if they can't even pay the nominal amount they are paying you. But they are earning a reasonable amount so should afford their own place. I'd say 3 months maximum at yours then out.