My Dad expects me to help him at his work during the summer holidays

[alwaysonreply]

I am in my mid 20's and I am a supply teacher who lives at home with my parents. My Dad is very insistent on the fact that the school holidays for me are not holidays but that I am unemployed because I do not paid in the holidays, my Dad is self employed and runs a business and has told me he expects me to help him out free of charge during the holidays some days because I am now unemployed until September.

I want to make clear that I pay rent to my parents and can afford to pay the same amount of rent during the periods when I am not working and getting paid?

I suspect I have ASD and part of my problem is I hate confrontation and I am not very good confident at putting my views across especially like someone like my Dad who I love and he has many good qualities but he always thinks his opinion is right and everyone else is wrong.

What I am worried about is whether I am being a bit mean in feeling reluctant o do what my Dad has informed of his plan and I worry dude to my fear of confrontation I will just along with what he wants me to do so I keep him happy. My Dad is good at putting his views across inn a good way, he claims that because I am single and have no kids, that I will be very bored during the summer holidays and it will give me something to focus on and it will only be a couple of days a week still giving me plenty of time to chill out. However it feels like he is telling me what do and controlling my life when I am an adult. Do you think that's correct?

Either you pay rent and he leaves you alone or you don't pay rent and you work for him for "free" he cannot have both

I agree with the others, just move out as it sounds like you're still in the parent/ child dynamic. Sounds like it's time to stand on your own two feet.

Is it a family farm by any chance? Most farmers don't like to see anyone living on the farm idle whilst others muck in, especially unemployed people.
I haven't decided if yabu or not, you say you pay rent - full market rent? Or a bit of board? Do you cover all of your food, gas electricity etc? Ie are you living as a fully independent adult or a long term teenager pulling a face because you have been asked to help?
Need more info before deciding if dad is controlling or frustrated!

The dad wants them to work for free

As you said you have ASD I'm wondering if being out of routine is something that's caused you distress in the past and he may be suggesting the work from a place of genuine concern? You won't know until you talk to him though. Show him that you can advocate for yourself and make your own decisions then he may back off.

The perks of working in a school is the holidays, why should you be made to work them?

I don’t think you should be expected to find work or work for free just because you have a job with good holiday perks.

This - I have a friend who works in a school and she has told me a few times that the way she is paid basically still covers school holidays. I don’t see having 6 weeks off as being “unemployed” in this context. That’s kind of ridiculous.
It’s even more ridiculous for your dad to think you’re unemployed, but not want to pay you if you did work for him. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I’d put my foot down here and say no - or at least, just help him when you want to and be unavailable otherwise! He has a massive cheek.

I do cleaning in a holiday camp and I am unemployed (by that company) between seasons. I have to register my interest to return when they reopen each spring, and obviously don’t get paid extra during the rest of the year to compensate!

I think if a business owner suggested to annyone else you should work for me for 6 weeks but I won’t pay you we’d call that exploitation. Yes you can work for him if you want but he should be paying you. Alternatively if you want to earn some extra cash there’ll be temp work available that pays at the least minimum wage. He’s got a cheek.

Teaching is incredibly stressful. You need a break.

Do yourself a favour and just say no. I know that's hard but you Dad is bullying you into something you don't want to do for his own gain.

If you really don't want to say no without an excuse, maybe say you've had an email from your HOD and you've all been given a scheme of work to re-write over the break (white seemed to happen to me every bloody summer when I was teaching!).

Maybe book yourself a cheap week or so away at a caravan or something, so you get a break from his whinging?

It's good to work on standing up for yourself and being assertive - often very much needed in your profession, unfortunately!

I think you'll feel better for putting your foot down, OP.

"I'm sorry but legally I can't be required to work for below minimum wage"

Point him towards:
https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1998/39/section/1

And also, move out.

This. Living at home and paying "rent" very, very rarely equates to living independently with all its attendant expenses and lack of niceties. Rent in my city for example would be at least £900 a month (not including bills) for a room in a shared house - not a luxury house either. You'd have to share a kitchen/living room with strangers and take your clothes to the nearest launderette for a start. I am absolutely sure that, apart from not paying market rent, the OP enjoys certain privileges and a level of care whilst living with her parents that she wouldn't get in the real world. If her dad is asking for help for 2 days a week in the summer, I think that's a fair compromise and pay back. Life is not a one way street.

Unpaid? That's taking liberties especially if you're still paying rent.

You need to have a conversation, not necessarily confrontational. Do you have plans for the summer that you need to tell him about? If you think he's going to steamroller you into doing it so it's going to be difficult to live with then you need to start planning your future away from home.

What nonsense. I mean OP can say she won't do it, but it's really not illegal to work unpaid in the family business

Supply teacher pay is worked out differently. There is a daily rate, if you worked every day then you would earn a similar salary* to a teacher on a contract, but you wouldn’t have the same benefits. It is swings and roundabouts, the benefits are flexible working and choosing where you work ( or don’t work!), the downside is the possibility of no work because schools can’t afford to pay for supply cover. You also miss out on other benefits, like sick pay, career progression, and maternity benefits, plus no additional training.

• supply daily rates are a lot lower than they used to be.

If I were you OP I would spend the summer getting my cv together and looking for a permanent job. It really doesn’t do your career a lot of good to spend too long doing supply work. Contact schools you liked working in, tell them you are looking for permanent work and see what response you get. Schools are finished but senior management will still be around, especially if they have staffing issues for September, which many schools will have.

You pay rent, I would ask him how much your rent will be subsidised as you will be working with him OR maybe see if your mum could intervene

Does the OP pay for rent/food/bills during the summer when she has no salary? Does she share household chores/gardening equally with her parents? Does her mum offer her support when she's unwell. Do her parents ever cook her meals or do her washing? Do they ever give her lifts to work or social events? Does she pay the going market rent for her room and all the amenities/home comforts? I rather suspect I know the answer to these questions. As I said in my previous comment, life is not a one way street, although you'd never believe it reading Mumsnet.

Your Dad is wrong, but why are you working as a supply teacher long term? Get a perm job, better pay and pension for you, less money to the middleman for the state, and your Dad can go take a walk.......

"... my Dad is self employed and runs a business and has told me he expects me to help him out free of charge during the holidays some days because I am now unemployed until September."

Your dad is being a cheeky fucker here. If he wants to employ you, he needs to pay you. If he wants your time and efforts for free, he needs to - at the very least - ask nicely, and consider that you are doing him a favour.

Where is your mother in all this? Does she agree with your dad? Is she aware of his demands?

I'd also be looking to move out. Tell him you plan to use your free time checking out flats, rooms, houseshares etc. and will therefore be unavailable for skivvying.

You’re an adult. Say no. Or negotiate a fair wage if you want to do it. But working for nothing isn’t on - especially if you’re paying your way through the school holidays. You say he knows how to get things across, I suspect he’s a bully and used to having his own way. I’d start looking for alternative accommodation.

OP has clarified that she pays her way during the summer holidays. If what she pays covers what she costs then why should she work for him for nothing ?

Just say

Re: working
‘if you pay me, I’ll think about it. I can do 3 days a week’

in a text. It’s easier.

Exactly.

I bet her parents do plenty of things to support her and I doubt the OP pays full taxi fare for every lift, full service wash rates for every wash her parents do, full restaurant prices for every meal her parents cook, so why is it suddenly enormously important she is paid for helping them?

It's just being part of a family

This is life telling you that it’s time to move out of your parents’ house & start living your life as an independent adult, OP.

I don’t have ASD as far as I’m aware, I’m now 57 and felt exactly the same as you do with my father. He was very controlling and always right and couldn’t take confrontation. Apparently I needed to see in his words was a trick cyclist (psychiatrist) whenever I challenged him! In fact he was the one on Valium (now known as Diazepam), he was a nightmare.

Even when I left home he was still opinionated about my life choices, tough shit, I had a life that my mum always wanted and has even told me she was envious of my choices. My father passed away 11 years ago, my mum is still unsure of herself after years of his control.

So he wants to take advantage of his unemployed daughter? I agree time to move out.